Parenting On Purpose

#3 – The Walls- The Power of No When we train our children that our “no” means “no” everytime, no exeption,  we place boundaries around them.  It gives them a sense of security that there is a constant.  If we are not consistent with no or they are able to negotiate their way out of “no”. If this is the case this ultimately can cause a sense of frustration in our children.  Think about how many times at various sports games how frustrating it is when the referee or official is inconsistent in their calls.  Then the rules of the game don’t really matter.  It is the same in our homes. Check out our whole series on “The Power of No” by clicking here.    

#27 Admit When You Are Wrong There is a phrase that can work wonders in a marriage, employment, friendship, even a parent child relationship and yet many adults really struggle with saying it.  Simply saying, “I’m sorry, I was wrong,” can break down barriers and even begin to bring healing to relationships.  If it is so powerful then why do we have such a hard time with it? Probably, because it forces us to swallow our pride and put someone else’s needs/opinions in the forefront. This is particularly hard for many parents to say to their children.  Some feel that it is admitting that their judgment isn’t perfect or that there is weakness in an area.  But why isn’t that ok to show our children? There will always be times that we don’t make the perfect decision, we are human and make mistakes.  Having a humble spirit and admitting when you are wrong to your children will help them learn how to do the same.   Listen to today’s topic for more insight.

#2 – The Foundation Of Life One of the things that is extremely important to how secure a building is, is its foundation.  If there is a crack or it is not a secure foundation then the building will not stand.  The first major storm or winds and it will shift or crumble.  It is the same with our children.  What we lay as the foundation for living is equally important.  That needs to be our relationship with God. We want our children’s faith to stand the tests and the temptations when they leave our home.  The number of youth group kids that leave church after they graduate high school is staggering, research shows it is anywhere from 65-94%.  Why? Because there is not a firm foundation built.  Church becomes just a way of life or something to do, they miss that a relationship with God is something that the entirety of life is built on.  Make sure that you as a family are making that a priority in your home.  Check out the series that we did recently about how to cultivate your child’s relationship with God, by clicking here. Take the time to set your child’s life up on a firm foundation!    

#1- The Motivational “Why” The first thing that we need to do as we look at the 30 things that we must train our children in before they go out the door, is check our motivations as parents.  Where do our priorities truly lie?  If our priority is our job or solely providing for our family, then we will spend all of our time, energy and ultimately ourselves on that.  When we get home our spouse and children will get the “leftovers”.  We need to make the choice, daily sometimes, what our priority is.  Our priorities need to be first and foremost our relationship with God, next our marriage, and thirdly our children.  Of course we need to provide for our family but that cannot ensnare all of our time and energies. As you drive home or get up in the morning, pray and make the choice of what your priority is.  That way you go into your time with your family intentionally.  There is no way to train your children in these thirty areas if we are not intentional and treat training as a priority.   Choose, through your relationship with God, to make your relationship with your spouse and children your first priority!    

Why This Process is So Important Through out parenting we have to remember that it is about the process not the end result.  Teaching our child how to have the discipline to make changes is very important even if the fall short of the original goal.  It is more about the process and discipline.  For those of us who are more end result type people it may help us to focus on why it is so important for our children to learn this discipline.  Why is this such an important exercise. We have developed such a “victim mentality” in our culture today.  Victims think that it is “not my fault”.  This is “just the way I am”.  I am this way because this happened to me or my parents…  Now while it is true our past tends to shape who we are and many in today’s society have been through some horrible things.  At some point we do begin to make decisions for ourselves and we have to be responsible for those choices.  Many have been so caught up in a destructive pattern that they ultimately don’t know how to change.   This is not something that a parent wants to watch their child go through.  That is why it is so imperative that we help our children learn the discipline of change.  Being able to see the things/areas in their own lives that may need to be worked on and be able to […]

Cheer Your Children Into Change First we start out by identifying the area that we need to change.  In our children’s case we help them to process an area to work on.  Utilize the family discussion that we mentioned earlier, processing what we would do differently if we were allowed a do over from the previous year. Next we can teach by example. Which is why it is so valuable to do this together as a family. Be open with your children about what you are going to do work on.  Then allow them to observe your personal self discipline as your work toward your goal. Next we have to find the fine line between helping our children and nagging them.  For instance, if your child has decided that they want to do better at keeping their room clean, don’t consistently ask when are you going to clean your room.  Even worse would be using their goal as a weapon, “Remember you said you wanted to do better this year in this area.” Help them with the how to’s of achieving the goal, such as going up to their room ten minutes early to straighten before bed. We next have to decide to be our child’s biggest fan.  Find something to cheer about everyday.  When you walk by them straightening their room encourage them, even if you are thinking “finally!” Cheer if they remember on their own to head up to their room […]

Being Moldable Each age group has different areas to work on.  I have heard an illustration pertaining to raising children that I believe fits for goal setting.  Raising children is like pouring cement for a foundation. (their life’s foundation)  Early childhood/elementary school you are pouring the cement or setting up rules boundaries, guidelines.  Teaching them things like “no means no”.  By middle school the cement is poured but is still fluid. The kind you can move around with a shovel.  By high school age the cement is starting to set it is thicker but still impressionable.  Adulthood is where you have to crack it to move it around. (Why it is harder for us to change unless we have been consistently open to change and things we need to work on in our lives. Allowing ourselves to be moldable.) This is what we need to think about as we are guiding our children through the process of learning the discipline of change.  We don’t want to become so set in our ways that we cannot be teachable and moldable for what God has for us.  Being set in their ways or having the “well that’s just who I am mentality” doesn’t make someone very easy to be married to or have as an employee.    

The Process of Teaching Self-Improvement Our culture as a whole tends to be very undisciplined.  Like we discussed yesterday the concept of a New Year’s Resolution has almost become a joke in today’s society. The whole idea of “oh, the diet will start tomorrow” is how we have begun to treat all aspects of change.  This attitude has unfortunately trickled down to our children.  Many of whom have the attitude “well that’s just the way I am” so the concept of changing ones self for the better maybe a foreign one. Many parents in an attempt to help their children have set goals for them.  This is not a bad thing but it is even harder to pursue a goal set by someone else.  What do we do as parents then? We need to train our children to be goal setters.  (more on this topic next week) This is where you can utilize the process of a family discussion over the table and share with each other what you are going to change in the next year.  You can look back over the year together and say if what would I do differently if I could get a redo in one area.  This could be a springboard to a discussion on goal setting for the year to come.    

The Importance of Giving Your Children the Tools to Improve Themselves Many things come to mind when we think of the old year passing and a new year beginning.  We process the passing of time, either look forward with excitement or dread what is to come in the new year, but many of us think of it as a time of new beginnings. It is a time for creating resolutions.  It has almost become a cultural joke how quickly we allow our “resolutions” to fall by the wayside.  What does this teach our children, however? What does the word resolution mean?  It means the act or process of resolving, the act of analyzing a complex notion into a simpler one, solving, something that is resolved, determined or mended.  A synonym for the word resolution is the word courage.  Now that is food for thought. How do we take this word literally and become resolute about things that we need to change? Better yet, how do we take this concept, the true one, and utilize it for parenting and help our children use the new year to process how they can make changes for the better in their lives and relationships?      

The discussion of Santa will stir up different emotions in Christian circles. For some, Santa totally distracts from the message of Christmas and so there are very strong feelings against Santa. Others feel strongly that there is no harm in the fun of Santa.

We can use traditions at Christmas to point back to the birth of Jesus, which is the reason we celebrate Christmas. Choose to look for ways through the holiday season to point back to God’s gift to us.

A thought to ponder, what if Jesus spent Christmas with you, what would you do differently? What would the focus of the day be, would it be about the presents or about serving others? It is ironic that the very person this day is celebrating, so often, we forget to honor.

When you are focusing on something other then yourself or the gifts that you are getting, then it is easier to be content. An easy way to do this with children is by creating excitement for giving gifts to others

Christmas season can be very stressful and overwhelming to parents. There are so many parties and activities. Probably the most stressful is the feeling that we must give our children a perfectly magical Christmas experience. And of course have found the perfect gifts. We are still at the beginning of the month so it is a great time to sit down, take a breath, and set some priorities.

Encouragement The final “E” in the training process is encouragement.  Think about your parenting style.  Are you an encourager?  What do you encourage for?  Many of us encourage our children when they do great in sports or when they do well in school but have a hard time encouraging the small successes every day.  Teaching our children to have an attitude of serving others is something we must reinforce through encouragement.  One idea, which we have discussed before, is starting a family board in the kitchen.  On this board you can write up when one of your children does something to serve another person.  Even something small should be written up.  If it is a white board you can make a weekly game to see who has the most acts of service by the end of the week and reward that child. In order for us to be able to encourage our children we have to be very aware of their actions in order to catch them “doing right”.  It is so easy to get caught up and either not pay attention when those good moments happen or be too focused on the difficult behaviors and miss praising the good. However you choose to encourage your children make sure that you do it.  It is a big part of reinforcing the behavior and positive reinforcement is most often what make the good behaviors a habit!!