Speculative Grammarian Podcast

The Boustrophedon-Plummerfeld Hypothesis and Futurological Linguistics; by Jay Trones, of the Futurological Linguistics Association, Rice University; From Volume CXLVII, Number 2 of Speculative Grammarian, February 1993. — Recently I found myself "fortunate enough to find such occasion" (Pyles & Algeo, P.46) as to weasel the word 'boustrophedon' into a conversation. After having expounded on the many joyous properties of this word, I entreated my fellow conversational participant to remember the word, and attempt to become one of those few and proud who have used it casually in non-academia. In a subsequent discourse with my native English speaking informant, I asked her to recall the illustrious word. Her response was 'plummerfeld'. (Read by Josephine Whitford.)

The Tribesman; by Aya Katz & Leslie Fish; From Volume CXLVII, Number 1 of Speculative Grammarian, January 1993 —— Once a fieldworker hiked into unknown terrain, / Seeking someone to question, he came. / When he asked of the natives what language they spoke / There was one who was glad to explain. / Behind lay a linguist, as well as a saint, / Who would translate the Bible for them. / Would decipher the code of their language so quaint, / And secure for himself lasting fame. (Performed by Leslie Fish.)

A 21st Century Proposal for English Spelling Reform; by H. Sanderson Chambers III; From Volume CXLIX, Number 2 of Speculative Grammarian, January 2004. — As is well-known to all educated people—and if it’s not well-known to you, then you’re not one of us—the early part of the 20th century was the heyday of the Simplified Spelling movement, which sought to reform English spelling on the grounds that it was “mard by absurdities and inconsistencies”. So what, you might say? Well, among other things, the simplifiers claimed that the spelling system kept English from being adopted as an international language: “A language, in which to learn to spel imperfectly takes two ful years of scool-time in the countries where it is spoken, does not recommend itself to the forener as a convenient medium for conducting his relations with other foreners”. (Read by David J. Peterson.)

Reanalysis of Spanish by Naïve Linguists; by Chesterton Wilburfors Gilchrist, Jr.; From Volume CLV, Number 1 of Speculative Grammarian, September 2008. — While sitting in the Linguistics Lounge the other day, I overheard some first-year grad students discussing the day’s Spanish class. My eavesdropping turned out to be much more interesting than I had anticipated. (Read by Trey Jones.)

Letters to the Editor; From Volume CLI, Number 3 of Speculative Grammarian, July 2006. — To the most respected editors, In the fall I’ll be a first-year grad student in linguistics at R—— University. A couple of the current fourth-years told me that the International Phonetic Association was adding several new symbols for sounds that have previously been considered to have questionable status as phonemes. They said that the most contentious new addition was double-dot wide-O, a nasal-ingressive voiceless velar trill. (Read by Declan Whitford Jones and Trey Jones.)

Where No Researcher Should Tread; By Cowell R. Augh, Ph.D.; From Volume CLVI, Number 3 of Speculative Grammarian, May 2009. — We, the linguistic community at large, owe a great deal of thanks to our esteemed colleague Quentin Popinjay Snodgrass for alerting us to the dangers of lexicalism. A hero of his stature doesn’t come along every day, and it would be wise of us to pay close attention to his advice—and, may I say, it is my general belief that many of us have done just that. There are those, however, who either remain ignorant of the horrors of lexicalism, or deny its ability to corrupt the minds of students and academics alike. “Everyone in my department abhors lexicalist theories of grammar!” chortles John T. Department Chair. “Why should I remain on guard?” In times of war (for, realistically, what is this if not warfare?), though, one must be prepared for anything—especially when the enemy appears in the guise of an ally: language itself! (Read by David J. Peterson.)

The Effect of Coffee Consumption on Adults’ Average MLU at the Breakfast Table; By Suzy X.; From Volume XVI, Number 3 of Psammeticus Quarterly, May 1989. — Dear Sirs: When Mommy fell asleep at the computer during her third straight all-nighter and accidentally erased her doctoral thesis, I wrote this to help her out. She graduated with honors, and so I thought I’d do a paper on it and send it to you, since I’ve heard it’s your kind of thing. Please do not print my full name with this article, because I am not allowed to use Mommy’s computer at all. Thanks, Suzy X. (Read by Mairead Whitford Jones, with Declan Whitford Jones, Joey Whitford, and Trey Jones.)