Parent With a Pro

Once, when I was 16 or 17 years old, I got up the guts to tell my mom "No" right to her face...once. Holy moly, if only that were the case for us as parents of sassy, spirited, and strong-willed kids!  My kids were born with the word "No" on the tip of their tongues, just waiting to be used daily.  Many times daily.  Defiance is honestly one of the things that wears me out the most.  When I hear my kids get up in the morning, one of my first thoughts is "I can't do another day of defiance." I don't want to feel that way any more and I don't want any of you to feel that way either.  Because of that, I am over the moon about today's episode! Alan Brooks, LMFT gives us not only one way to respond to defiance, or two ways, he gives us SEVEN different ways for you to choose from! After you listen to this episode, you won't wonder what to do in a defiant situation, you'll wonder what you did before this podcast.

Ooooh, few things irritate me more than back talk!  Can I get an, Amen?!  Backtalk just feels so disrespectful! I have to say that my visceral response to backtalk is to ground my child until they can apply for social security. Since that's not an option, I'm grateful that Jeff Tesch, LMFT has a healthy, effective way to respond to back talk. Next time your little whipper-snapper says something rude to you, you are going to respond like the in-charge adult that you are. Won't that feel great?  

On my side of the family, we only have kids that are sassy, spirited and strong-willed (it may have something to do with the fact that 5 out of the 6 grand kids are adopted).  One of the things that has been most surprising for me is how much emotion these kids have!  When they are happy, they are intensely happy.  When they are upset, they are intensely upset! Watching these kids get so upset has been hard for me. I keep drawing a blank on how to help them and just find myself repeating "calm down" over and over again. That's why I am so jazzed about today's episode!  Mike Fitch, CMHC gives calming techniques that are specific to your child.  By the end of the episode, you will know how to create an "emotional emergency kit" for your kids. (Bonus: these techniques are great for parents, too.  Kids aren't the only ones with big emotions.) As a companion to this episode, Mike and I created a list of calming technique ideas for you to download.  Test the different calming techniques on this list to find what works best for your child. Download the list!  

Does this scenario sound familiar? You're somewhere public: the grocery store, the park, or a restaurant.  Your child starts to misbehave in one way or another. Time freezes. It feels like everyone's eyes are on you, watching to see how you are going to handle your little sidekick.  You ask your child to behave, they get worse.  You threaten, bribe, beg and they still continue to misbehave.  What do you do? If you have found yourself in this situation, you're going to want to listen to this episode. Mike Fitch, CMHC provides clear, actionable steps to follow when your child misbehaves. I have to say that I was surprised by some of the steps. By the end of the episode, when everyone looks at you wondering what you're going to do, you'll be able to wink at them and say "I've got this". For those of you with the disease I call "MOMNESIA", Download our Discipline on the Go guide below!

Tell me I'm not alone. I can't be the only parent that feels like they're going head-to-head with their strong-willed child EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.  I thought parenthood would be a series of one Hallmark moment after another. Instead, it's one power struggle after another.  A battle of wills. I don't know about you, but I am tired of the power struggles.  I want peace and happiness in my home.  I want to be able to make it through a bedtime routine, homework, or chores without feeling like I have to suit up for battle. That's why I interviewed one of the best therapists around, Jeff Tesch.  Jeff has a proven strategy for quickly diffusing power struggles.  He teaches all his clients this strategy, uses it with his six kids, and has used it with the twenty-nine different foster kids who have come through his home.  This man knows what he's talking about! After listening to this episode, you will be able to quickly diffuse power struggles in a healthy and loving way.  Are you looking forward to the relief that's going to be?  I know I am. As a bonus, I have created a PDF Jeff's steps for you to print out.  Post it on the fridge, put it in a folder, tattoo it on your forehead, whatever you need to do to become a pro at diffusing power struggles. Download it Here.    

When I talk to parents of sassy, spirited, and strong-willed children they use one word to describe themselves: exhausted.  I can totally relate and I think you can, too.  It is a tiring to be a parent of a sassy, spirited, and strong-willed child.  First, you have their intense emotions to deal with, then you have the constant disciplining, most likely you also have power struggles, high energy, and button-pushing as well.  This can leave ANY parent feeling completely drained. In today's episode we talk about parent self-care, how critical it is, and the three most important things you need to do to stay sane while raising your sassy, spirited, or strong-willed child. Let's get started. Self-care In case you don't know what self care is, here is a quick definition for you: Self-care is any activity that you do voluntarily which helps you maintain your physical, mental or emotional health. It can help you feel healthy, relaxed and ready to take on your work and responsibilities. Why self-care is critical There are so many reasons self-care is critical. Taking care of yourself is critical to your mental and physical health.  It is what allows you to be the type of parent you want to be.  It's also what allows you to feel happy and content even though you are raising a more challenging to raise child. When you are running low on self-care, it becomes really challenging to care for your kids.  You may find yourself being less patient, less engaged, less happy, and a less effective parent all around.  While it is SO hard to give yourself permission to care for yourself while there is so much demand on your time, it is absolutely essential for your long-term happiness. The Three Most Important Things You Must Do to Care for Yourself Eat well: we need good fuel to be able to keep up with your little sidekicks!  Let's face it, they have more energy in their pinky fingers than we do in our entire bodies!  If we neglect eating well, we won't be able to keep up, we may get sick, our blood sugar will be low, and we will all be HANGRY!  I know that no one wants to be around me when I'm hangry. Exercise: Ah, the "E" word.  Luckily, for self-care you don't need to do anything crazy rigorous to release happy endorphins.  Studies show that a daily fifteen minute walk around the block reduces stress, depression, and anxiety.  We can all do fifteen minutes.  Do yoga, jog, walk, bike, punch a pillow, whatever.  Just find something that you love and get moving! Sleep: Mike talks about this in our episode, but I wanted to add that I went to a conference taught by a neuroscientist, and the studies behind the need for sleep were incredible.  Just like exercise, getting adequate hours of sleep can reduce stress, depression, and anxiety significantly. We often cut into our sleeping time staying up late enjoying "no kid" time.  I wish we didn't have to choose between adequate sleep and more episodes of This Is Us, but the reality is, we do.  And if the scientists were to tell you which would keep you happy longer, they would tell you to ditch the Netflix and go to sleep. How to Find Pockets of Time for "You Time" Quiet Time It's OK to have a designated quiet time everyday.  This won't work for everyone's schedule, but if you can make it work for you, do it.  Establish a half hour that you teach your child to play on their own while you do something that is strictly self-care.  Oh, this is so hard for me.  First, getting my child to play on their own is tough, but if you do it consistently you will eventually train them.  Second, I have a tough time sitting down to read a book when I have dirty dishes on the counter.  However, we now have permission from a therapist to TAKE A BREAK. Other Pockets of Time

If you've ever wondered what things you can do to improve your child's behavior, you need to listen to this episode. Therapist, Mike Fitch teaches the techniques that EVERY parent needs to know.  These tips work for sassy, spirited, or strong-willed children. Here's an overview of today's episode: Simple Techniques to Improve Your Child's Behavior or Cornerstones of a Happy and Healthy Home: Cornerstone One: Consistency *Note: If you listened to or read the section on consistency in Episode 004, skip to the next cornerstone. Consistency from all who parent your child(ren) in YOUR home. Inconsistency among parents is EXTREMELY common. Parents often revert back to the way they were parented when they themselves become parents. Even if you didn’t like the way you were parented, it's what was modeled for you. Additionally, one parent will often be more lenient and one more strict. The longer this goes on, the more extreme each parent will be in an effort to compensate for the other parents strictness/permissiveness. How to become consistent in your approach. First, take five minutes to brainstorm a list of(not shooting down comments in this brain storm session) what you see your overall goals for your children being. It may look something like this: WHAT WE HOPE FOR OUR CHILDREN That they become happy, healthy adults That they become contributing members of society That they are independent people who have developed the necessary skills to move out on their own when they’re eighteen Have self-confidence Know that making mistakes is OK After your brainstorming session, circle what is most important to you. Hopefully, you will be on the same page and have a clearer vision when you are done. This is critical because, when you can see your destination, it’s easier find out how to get there. Consistent with your approach and with follow through Being consistent will teach you kids that you mean what you say and that you will follow through. It teaches them that they can't get away with things if they just keep pushing and pushing. It teaches them that you are indeed the alpha in your home, not them. Consistent for an extended period of time “Many parents have good ideas, but try it for a week then give up. They just need to give it more time.” -Mike Fitch CMHC Research shows it takes up to a month of consistency to start to see changes.. You are retraining your family. They are used to behaving a certain way and for you to be behaving a certain way. Cornerstone Two: Choose a Good Parenting Curriculum to be Consistent With There are so many parenting books, classes, etc. out there, it can be overwhelming! How do you know which parenting curricula are good and which are garbage? Here are three questions to help you select one that will be best for your family. Does this curriculum match the healthiest parenting style? (Read all about the healthiest parenting style here.) Is this parenting curriculum free of shaming techniques? Shaming destroys self-esteem and has no place in the home. Shame does not motivate us to do better, rather it makes us feel like we can't because WE are the problem, not our actions. If my boss were to use the techniques I'm learning about on me, would I want to behave better? Here's an example:One recent parenting book recommended drawing a mark on your child's arm every time the child made a mistake. If your boss were to draw on you every time you screwed up, how would you feel and would you want to improve your behavior? You'd likely feel awful and wouldn't want to improve.

Today we get to learn more about why your child behaves the way they do. Last week, we learned that the factors that most affect your child’s behavior can be put into two categories: Nature and Nurture. Let’s review what the differences are between nature and nurture: Nature: Internal influences/factors Your child’s genetics (family history) or if they were born pre-maturely. These are issues you child will deal with their entire life If diagnosed early on, you can proactively give your child the tools they will need to be able to become happy, healthy adults Nurture: External influences/factors (further discussed in next week’s episode) The environmental factors that affect your child’s behavior: Events at school, trauma, parenting styles, etc. Note: some parents take too much ownership of their child’s behavior and some parents aren’t taking enough.  We hope to help you see if there is something you need to tweak as a parent or if you are doing great and your child is the one that needs some additional help. More About Nurture: External Influences We will start with the most important factor....PARENTING. The most important lesson that any therapist will teach you about parenting is that consistency is key! Consistent parenting approaches and consistent follow through from everyone in your home who is the parent/guardian is critical! Inconsistency among parents is EXTREMELY common and not something to be ashamed of. However, it can create a wedge between partners while also teaching children that if they don’t like the way you’re parenting, they can just approach the other parent. Being consistent with follow through will teach your kids that you mean what you say and that you will follow through. It teaches them that they can't get away with things if they just keep pushing and pushing. It teaches them that you are indeed the alpha in your home, not them. We know being consistent is SO hard, especially at first, but consistency will make your life so much easier in the future! You need to be consistent with the healthiest parenting style. We want you to be consistent with the type of parenting that is best to be consistent with. There are four different types of parenting styles, but only one that is the healthiest for you and your kids.  We’ll use scientific beakers to represent the parenting styles.  We’ll call them Beakers A-D. Beaker A Characteristics: This beaker in very narrow from the bottom to the top. This represents parents who have very narrow boundaries and freedoms from birth on. Children in these homes are always told what to do and are expected to do it immediately, no questions asked.  These parents focus on discipline and not on warmth or connection with their kids. Outcome: These children may respect authority and learn to be hard workers. However, children of these parents will often do one of the following. First, they will move out, experience freedom for the first time, and go WILD. Second, they will seek a relationship where their boss/partner tells them what to do all the time. They were told what to do all growing up and standing up for themselves/thinking for themselves is very uncomfortable.   Beaker B Characteristics: This is a wide beaker from the bottom to the top. This represents parents who give their children very wide boundaries and freedoms from birth on. These parents rarely let their children experience consequences to their actions. They bail their children out of difficult situations. They may try to put their foot down occasionally, but when the child starts pushing back,

Some kids are born sassy, spirited, and strong-willed while others become that way because of their external environment.  It is essential to better understand why your child behaves the way they do so you know what to do to help them.  I know that this understanding has been critical for me and I hope that it will be for you as well. Let’s get started: Nurture: External influences/factors (further discussed in next week’s episode) The environmental factors that affect your child’s behavior: Events at school, trauma, parenting styles, etc. Nature: Internal influences/factors Your child’s genetics (family history) or if they were born pre-maturely. These are issues you child will deal with their entire life If you diagnose early on, you can proactively give your child the tools they will need to be able to become happy, healthy adults Genetics Family history is a great tool to know if something is going on.  If someone in your family has a mental health disorder, chances are very likely that your child will deal with it as well. POSSIBLE MENTAL HEALTH ISSUES YOUR CHILD COULD HAVE Autism: Characterized by delayed speaking around age two or being into something obsessively (i.e. trains, Legos, etc.)  Your child will need a diagnosis from a pediatrician. High-functioning Autism: These kids present themselves as 90% typical 10% atypical.  They are very rigid thinkers, tend to see things in black and white.  This is harder to diagnose and is often missed by pediatricians.  Parents of these kids can tell that something is going on, but can’t quite figure out what it is.  A counselor that specializes in children will be able to diagnose. ADHD: These kids are usually very happy, positive kids with tons of energy.  They are generally very impulsive.  They act-stop-think instead of stop-think-act ANXIETY OR DEPRESSION: This can be harder to recognize as a parent because younger kids will not exhibit the usual signs of anxiety or depression.  Rather, they will have angry outbursts as a way to release the anxious or depressed feeling they have.  These kids need help knowing how to process their emotions. OCD: This is a sub-category of anxiety.  Children in this category are trying to calm their anxious feelings by counting steps, washing their hands repeatedly, etc. These kids are very easy to set off. OPPOSITIONAL DEFIANT: This child fights you on everything, not just some things, but everything. They can have angry outbursts as well.  Parents of these kids can feel like no parenting approach is working. CAN HOW OR WHEN A CHILD IS BORN AFFECT THEIR BEHAVIOR? Yes!  A child who is born early didn’t have a chance to have their brain develop fully.  They often have autism or exhibit some mild autistic behaviors. ADOPTION Without making generalizations, there is always a chance the birth mom used some sort of substance during pregnancy drug abuse.  There is also a high-correlation of mental health issues in birth moms such as impulse disorders, ADHD, depression, and anxiety. WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW There is hope for all kids, no matter what issues they may be born with.  When parents are helping proactively, most kids will grow up to be happy, healthy adults. Sign up to receive our free eCourse "5 Super Powers Every Parent Needs"

In today's episode of Parent with a Pro, we talk about understanding who the sassy, spirited, and strong-willed child is. Experts say there's different tools for different categories of children​. Knowing more about what category your child fits and will help you know which tools to use for your specific child. We have the tendency to lump all three categories into one but they are different kinds of kids. However, they all do fall under that umbrella category of difficult children. Here's a quick overview of today's episode: The Sassy Child Has so much attitude Talks back a lot Wants to argue with you on everything They will eventually do what you’ve asked them to do. Just with an attitude. These kids want to be heard first before they will do something.  The Spirited Child Loud, energetic Oozing with emotion When they’re happy, they’re tons of fun When they’re upset, they throw really big tantrums The Strong-Willed Child Refuses to do what you ask them to do You literally have to force them to comply Very defiant Hopeful tip: There is often a reason for this behavior and with the proper skills, you can see improved behavior from your child. Is my child’s behavior age-related? It is challenging to know for sure because each child is on their own, unique developmental journey Age 2 is too young to know because a child does not have a clear understanding of right and wrong, they are too early in their developmental journey. (NOTE: some autism can be detected at the age of two. It manifests itself as delayed speaking) Age 3 is a very defiant stage of life for most toddlers. However, you can start to see more sassy, spirited, and strong-willed tendencies manifest themselves. How do I know if I have a sassy, spirited, and strong-willed child? Could my child have additional issues? You need a professional to diagnose the following issues: ADHD, ODD, autism, anxiety, OCD, depression (These can all manifest themselves as a sassy, spirited, or strong-willed child) In the meantime, do a self-assessment by asking yourself the following question: Is my child’s behavior similar to the behavior of other children their age? If the answer is “yes”, your child may simply be experiencing a normal phase. If the answer is “no”, you are most likely dealing with a child who is sassy, spirited, and strong-willed.

Season 1 Episode 1 About Parent with a Pro Welcome to our first episode of Parent with a Pro! In this episode you will learn: About me, the founder of Parent with a Pro The purpose and mission of Parent with a Pro