That Story Show

James decided that if God has a dad he’s done with Christianity. This based on an email from a middle schooler. This week’s clean comedy stories: John was asked to be an extra in some USA Network show he can’t remember the title of. James confuses the Glif with a GILF. John’s son has his own version of the Boy Who Cried Wolf story. James’ daughter reads bad words off a local Vietnamese Cafe sign. John feels like a dancing monkey. James has roach juice in his eye and Jennifer didn’t buy him a Buzz Lightyear hoodie for Father’s Day. James shares the first time he heard the world crotch. Listener stories: Luke calls in a few stories about his dad. First Time Mommy creates her own bump in the night. Parker blames his Wizz Waffle on his older sister. The Puppy Dragon convinces James that God may have a dad. Caroline tells us about the Crazy Hat Lady. Noah accidentally sends more than his homework to his teacher via video. Links mentioned: * James is doing Voice Work for only $5 at fiverr.com * Nobody’s Listening Facebook group – Join the community! * Patreon.com – New rewards for $1 supporters. Dedication-only options for $5 and $10 per show. Transcription (first 30 mins) James: Hey, you know what? Father’s Day happened. John: Oh man! James: I was a father again. John: Yeah? James: this year.. yeah yeah. John: Congratulations. James: It’s my 9th year, I think I’m doing pretty good. I’m going for my Deca for next year. John: Oooh.. That’s scary. James: My Deca Father’s Day, where I will be decked I’m sure repeatedly. What did your family do… John: Deca father [??] James: …special to celebrate you, [click] cause my family [John’s Laughter] Did Jack Squat. John: That’s kinda what happened for me too, James: Yeah, Father’s Day.. John: I had a card and I got a little gift. James: Father’s Day is aka bull-crap day. Because if you have a good father you take him for granted, and then all the rest of people with these crappy dads- they’re just moping all day. “I don’t have a happy dad, John: yeah James: “my life sucked and Father’s Day reminds me.” But Just know this, if your dad died, if you had a crappy abusive dad, the people that didn’t, and the ones you’re jealous of, they could care less about their dads at all. John: [Laughter] James: So, the most you can hope for were memories that you wouldn’t care less about. [Chuckles]. John: Hmm… James: No, actually let me get serious for a minute and share something I shared on Facebook, because I love being a dad and, and if you didn’t know [John’s laughter] any better, you would think that I am like rosy-cheeked and happy, and everything is just honky-dory and my life’s been nothing but preparing me for being this awesome dad. John: Yeah. James: And John knows that that’s not necessarily the truth. So I wrote this cause I didn’t want to do what Hanna did one time and do one of those Jesus jukes, where you post an image, “just in case you forgot Father’s Day, that fathers are dead [John’s laughter] and other dads are beating their kids!” You know. [John’s laughter] I didn’t want to do like that. John: [laughter] a Jesus juke. James: Yeah, where you’re like just like “Father’s Day is a day to remember..

This week we discover that John looks an awful like 2014 The Voice winner, Josh Kaufman. This week’s stories: White-thug Mentoring Program, John is not Josh Kaufman from The Voice, Jenna’s got three earring holes in one ear, Skyrim & BioShock Infinite bundle, Radio Shack Guy thinks James’ name is Karen, What else comes free...

This week we discover that John looks an awful like 2014 The Voice winner, Josh Kaufman.  This week’s stories: White-thug Mentoring Program, John is not Josh Kaufman from The Voice, Jenna’s got three earring holes in one ear, Skyrim & BioShock Infinite bundle, Radio Shack Guy thinks James’ name is Karen, What else comes free with that Free Chair on the side of the road? John carves a hole in his foot and has some Ikea adventures. Then the NLCast Community answers the question, “If James did ________, he would be as cool as John.” Listener stories: Joseph’s sister sees a lady that smells like beans. Fintan makes a teacher in the canteen feel stupid. Paulie boards the Middle School Anarchy train. Veronica gives us an update from 2 years ago… to be played two years from now. And Keith kills it with a misunderstood military-style command. Links Mentioned: * James is doing Voice Work for only $5 at fiverr.com * Nobody’s Listening Facebook group – Join the community! * Patreon.com – New rewards for $1 supporters. Dedication-only options for $5 and $10 per show. * Girl Meets World Podcast coming June 21st! Submit your email for early access! Transcription (first 30 mins) James: Uh, speaking of imitation, have you ever seen, um, white kids trying to be thugs? John: Yes, it’s aggravating. James: You see it all the time, right? Yeah. John: And I guess, legitimately, they kind of are thugs, I guess. Or something, is it? I don’t know. James: Well, let me tell you. I have lived in inner-city Kansas City. John: Yes. James: And I have lived in the suburbs of America. And I will tell you that there is a legitimate white thug, and an illegitimate one, and the difference is location, location, location. John: Hm, okay, so you’re saying with the kids growing up, like, with the silver spoon in his mouth, and he’s all living in Hollywood Hills, and stuff, that’s not a thug. James: That is not a thug. If you are born and raised in the hood, and the culture and the subculture has just rubbed off on you, I mean, it’s just the way you grow up. But these guys that I saw at the park this week were definitely in the second category: the suburban wanna-be white thugs, you know? John. [laughter] Posers! James: With the flat-billed caps, you know? John: Yep. James: And their pants down, you know? And they’re going pla– John: Wife-beater. James: They’re going pl– Yeah, exactly. Two of them. They were gonna ball. They were gonna be ballin’ over there. And I kind of heard them– overheard them as I’m sitting there watching my kids at the park. And one of them said the following, one of them said. It just came in as they were talking. “Have you ever been harassed by the police?” [laughter] Another guy says, “No.” And he says, “Well that’s why you don’t know!” [laughter] And it was apparent I came in on the middle. I mean, There was some sort of thing that happened, and the guy was probably like, you know, “Oh, I don’t know about that.” “Well, have you ever been harassed by the police?” “No” “Well you don’t know then.” And it made me — It filled my heart with joy because I did not realize that there was a white thug mentoring progra...

Bonnie thanks us for not using the F-Bomb… so we make our own version… rated G. This week’s stories: James kinda apologizes to California. John has a not-so-evil twin, Hulu is showing Olivia Wilde commercials, Johns son says the f-bomb, James forwards his wife a distressing message, “Youth and Children did it okay!”, James tries...

Bonnie thanks us for not using the F-Bomb… so we make our own version… rated G. This week’s stories: James kinda apologizes to California. John has a not-so-evil twin, Hulu is showing Olivia Wilde commercials, Johns son says the f-bomb, James forwards his wife a distressing message, “Youth and Children did it okay!”, James tries to discuss female issues with is wife without the kids knowing “demonstrating men”, John doesn’t want your poison lawn care, James says the stupidest thing in front of the school principal, braved the award’s ceremony from hades, and a lady take forever to give away $500. We ask folks to fill in the following: “If you _________, you’re an idiot.” Elizabeth makes an “out of water” sign. Mandee enjoys our lack of f-bombs and her niece promises not to twerk at church, someone is so ashamed of their no-t.p. story they send it anonymously, Keith’s sons press more than they should testing out the cold chill of a plate glass window. Then we hear from John and Veronica via voicemail. John’s upset that we didn’t pay him $5 to say “Kicked in the Jounk!” and Veronica finds that the Temp Agency is pretty flippant with people’s urine samples. Plus an extra-long Recap-song! Links Mentioned: * Amazing NLCast Sign-flipper Video * NLCast Facebook Group * Let’s get to 30 Patreon backers this week * Will wins the sticker-drawing. Transcription (30mins) James: It’s a perfect night for recording. John: It’s a beautiful night for recording. James: Beautiful night for an apology too. I have to apologize to California. John: Why? James: Because California came out with a vengeance. John: Did they? James: No, they were very nice, and they were the first to say, “Yes, we do have some weirdoes in California.” They were not shy about pointing that out, but they did want me to go ahead and designate specifically what I hate about California. It’s not the people, even the person I saw when I was in LA. Remember the butterfly looking dude that we were eating lunch next to, with your brother? John: Oh, wow, the guy with the pig whistle, or something like that? James: Yeah, he had butterfly wings on him, and all kinds of stuff. I think he was even tattooed. John: Yeah! James: Maybe he had butterfly wings put on his eyelashes or something. Yeah, I don’t hate all those people, I just specifically hate the fact that because of your state, there is an “E” behind grille, and that your food is nasty. That your California grille… California, the name, has come to mean for me lots of crap on stuff. Like organic means for me that there is dirt in it, and California cuisine, or California pizza, or California, California, just means we put some stuff in it because it looks pretty, and when you eat this you turn into a hippy. I know this is not sounding like an apology, but I very much confess that I am sorry to all Californians for defacing you and your great state. I just hate everything about you… [John laughs] James: …and your state. No offense. John: If you ever eat in the California Pizza kitchen… James: You’re an idiot John: I was going to say, might redeem it for you. But never mind. [laughter] James: No, no, and no, it’s sticks. (sound: You’re an idiot!) I will remember that. Oh! So what’s been going on this week? John: Oh, man! James: Anything good? John: Yeah. I have got a couple of good things going on.

John takes his Ranger group to a Old West town that seems to reinforce Native American stereotypes. This week’s funny stories: John got a Happy Memorial Day from Walmart, James’ family went to Animal Kingdom Lodge and got cable, John got all of the LEGO Simpsons minifigs, takes a group of Royal Rangers to Westville and...

John takes his Ranger group to a Old West town that seems to reinforce Native American stereotypes. This week’s funny stories: John got a Happy Memorial Day from Walmart, James’ family went to Animal Kingdom Lodge and got cable, John got all of the LEGO Simpsons minifigs, takes a group of Royal Rangers to Westville and goes on a rant about a guy on Kindergarten Grad Night. James meets a crazy Portal Kid, is reminded to pick up his medication by Marry Poppins, finds that Disney drinks, and wishes expire at 7:04 pm and that his kids want their dog to be a bit more portable. Then Chris Cowan calls in about a lady with a pointy butt. Kaylee’s sister slaps a lady’s butt with her purse, Lorien makes up a story about a kid falling off his bike, and Keith’s wife doesn’t find everything we say to be very funny. We share some Middle School Drama from Zeke who doesn’t want his sister in her club, Gavin who was not in fact teaching bad words to the deaf kid, and Ian tries to wear his gum as a necklace. Links Mentioned: * Made My Day Podcast is back. Check out EP 15 – Hidden Mickeys * Support Made My Day on Patreon. * 28 patrons for NLCast! * Sponsor a single show for $5 or $10. Have a message read, make a dedication or wish someone happy birthday! * John other fans in the live chat as we record Nobody’s Listening every Tuesday (or Thursday) at 9:30pm EST. [sub-con] Transcript Of First 30 Minutes James: So, explain the poopball to everybody. What’s the deal? John: I changed my picture on Facebook. It’s not a poopball. [laughter] What am I doing? I’m cooking a grenade. James: Exactly. John: It was actually the mud in Alaska was really interesting, and I really hope that it was mud. I grabbed it off of a riverbank so there’s no telling what was in the mud. But it made this perfect ball and it was shiny and stuff and I was going to throw it at somebody and they were taking a picture. James: Yeah I saw them do that on… John: “MythBusters”? James: “MythBusters,” and they did use poop. John: They did. James: Because they were trying to find out if you could shine poop or poop can’t… John: That’s right. It was one of those ones. James: That’s why I see it and I think, “It’s a poopball.” John: “Can you polish a turd?” Or something like that. James: Yeah, yeah. [laughter] They proved that wrong. You can. John: You can in fact. James: This show proves it every single week in my opinion. [laughter] How was your Memorial Day, my friend? John: Mine? James: Yeah. John: Very non-eventful. James: Aw. Is that a good thing or a bad thing? John: It’s a good thing because I spent the whole week prior just nonstop doing stuff for the school and all the stuff that I do at work. James: All the closing-out-at-the-end-of-the-year stuff. John: Yes, so Memorial Day was good. How was yours? James: Ours was good. We went to Animal Kingdom Lodge in Orlando. John: Oh, that sounds like fun. James: Yeah. This is the second year we’ve done it. We did it last year and things were pretty rough last year. But this year was a lot better and it was fun. It was just as fun as it was last year. Now that we’ve done it twice it is officially like a family tradition now. John: So, every Memorial Day you’re going to…? James: We’re going to Animal Kingdom Lodge on our Florida discount spending one night eating in the cheapest restaurant and then staying w...

James describes his experience at a hipster California cuisine bar-and-grill. This episode John’s got a messy office, someone’s tagging graffiti boogers, and James is reading “Dad is Fat” by Jim Gaffigan. James shreds his boxers, barely stomachs a hip California Grille, gets a straw to the nose and witnesses an old lady in a miniskirt...

James describes his experience at a hipster California cuisine bar-and-grill. This episode John’s got a messy office, someone’s tagging graffiti boogers, and James is reading “Dad is Fat” by Jim Gaffigan. James shreds his boxers, barely stomachs a hip California Grille, gets a straw to the nose and witnesses an old lady in a miniskirt trying to ride a moped. John deletes months of pictures and videos from his phone, falls asleep playing Minecraft and can’t understand his youngest son. Listener Submissions: * Justin has a moth land on his junk. * Elizabeth tries to buy a milkshake and ends up bringing a boy into her business instead of her yard. * Keith explains how to connect with hot girls when your in middle school. Hint: Join chorus! * Eli has a mishap while brushing his teeth. Every good story should start with that formula. I had a mishap while (doing something everyone else manages to do everyday without incident). * Josh dumps a coffee at work so he can go get his Starbucks fix. * Juanauz calls in about his adopted snake and it’s inability to eat or poop. News Stuff: * Now NLCast Podcasts coming soon: The Constantine Cast and The Girl Meets World Podcast. Visit and submit your email address for updates. * Are you a hobby podcaster? Insterested in podcasting? Join The Hobby Podcaster group on Facebook. * We have 26 patrons so far. Support NLCast episodes via Patreon.com * Sponsor a single show for $5 or $10. Have a message read, make a dedication, wish someone happy birthday! * John other fans in the live chat as we record Nobody’s Listening every Tuesday (or Thursday) at 9:30pm EST. [sub-con] Show Transcript (First 30 minutes) James: Hey, how are you doing out there podcast people? This is, “Nobody’s Listening,” the show where everybody’s got a funny life story, so why don’t you let us tell yours? Episode 214, brought to you the week of May 20th, 2014. I’m your host. My name is James Kennison and with me as always is John “Westinghouse-Tutorial Guru” Steinklauber. How are you doing John? John: Very good today and how are you? It’s good to know that you are…Sorry I just thought technical support. James: [laughter] Yeah. John: Actually, I’m great, how are you? James: I’m doing great. I’m looking forward to that tutorial on a YouTube channel near me. John: Oh. James: I haven’t seen that posted. John: Well, you know, that’s going to be part of my weekly update so… James: Good, good, good. [laughter] John: Stand by. James: Speaking of weekly things, there was a photo I saw on your Instagram and I just wanted to comment. I noticed some things in this photo of your office and I just wanted to point them out publicly. You have a giant office. John: You know it’s bigger than most offices I’ve ever had. James: Yeah. John: [laughter] It’s not that big, though. I mean it’s…I don’t know, eight-by-10? James: It’s pretty big. It’s pretty big. It’s got some really blue carpet. John: Oh my goodness. [laughter] Oh my goodness. James: It’s the kind of blue that only churches buy. John: Yeah, because it’s like on-sale 20 years ago. [laughter] That is the exact truth. That’s stuff’s probably been there since they built the building. James: Yeah, church carpet.

John’s a ranting fool this week. He’s got problems with Westinghouse and isn’t afraid to rant in a calm voice about it! This week you’ll laugh as James’s son tries to read book full of the’s. John hates his broken Westinghouse TV. James takes a selfie but his daughter didn’t know. John’s Man Room is...

John’s a ranting fool this week. He’s got problems with Westinghouse and isn’t afraid to rant in a calm voice about it! This week you’ll laugh as James’s son tries to read book full of the’s. John hates his broken Westinghouse TV. James takes a selfie but his daughter didn’t know. John’s Man Room is almost done and ready for business.  James wants to steal a bike. John’s got a bloody nose and things that HH Gregg sucks. Andrea gets offended that I hate her. James has a rear neck beard and hates shower heads. Elizabeth dumps on her roommate Sam. J.J. finally gets his story read. So does homeschool kid Jon from 1/2013. You’ve never listened to a more heavily edited show. News Stuff: * James was interviewed on the new show the Patreon Podcast by Chris Cowan. So was our buddy Ethan Nicolle! * James wrote a Frozen parody song of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman” called “Do You Wanna Cook Some Bacon?” * We have 465 iTunes reviews… which is amazingly insane. Thanks so much! Please consider leaving your review! * Patreon supporters got their reward packs this week. Some took pictures and said some awesome things. Thanks Lauren Mack, Jani Strzepek, K Walker and Aaron! * James audio journal, The Gospel of Kennison has been updated. Check it out! * Article: Thoughts On Podcast Structure: Part 1 – What Is Your Topic? * Article: Children’s Ministry: A View From Outside * Do you podcast for fun? Join The Hobby Podcaster group on Facebook. * Join us LIVE every Tuesday night at 9:30pm EST [sub-con] Show Transcript (First 20 minutes): Hey guys this is Nobody’s Listening, everybody’s got a funny life story. It is the funny story podcast episode 213 project week of May 15, 2014. I am your host, my name is James Kennison and with me as always is John “Panera Idiot” Steinklauber, welcome back John. John: [Laughing] thanks. James: Remember when I used to do that and give you little… John: Yes James: …nicknames John: Nicknames… based on something that I have said at some point in time. James: Yeah, so the chat room helps me figure it out, they actually said Panera                                                                                                    basket but I was like I can make that one better John: [Laughing] Panera idiot, I mean the other guy is. James: I mean that was last episode sometimes they all kinda run together for me      so… John: Yeah James: Ok, so, hey, Christian, you heard me mention him on top of the show as one of the announcers, supporters, he gave not through Patreon but directly through PayPal and he gave $10 which means not only will you get mentioned but we would read something from him on...

James tries to peg a moth in the toilet bowl. John’s got issues with an idiot at Panera and his son’s a Sinner. Stay till the end for a Recap-song that pays tribute to a special dearly departed guide-dog. This episode we talked about the updated Website, My new favorite patron, Doctor Who season 8...

James tries to peg a moth in the toilet bowl. John’s got issues with an idiot at Panera and his son’s a Sinner. Stay till the end for a Recap-song that pays tribute to a special dearly departed guide-dog. This episode we talked about the updated Website, My new favorite patron, Doctor Who season 8 spoilers about Samuel Anderson and Peter Capaldi, then James sees a dog with a special and demeaning bow. John’s son uses technology to get close to a home school hottie. Jenn makes Mexican sloppy-joes, and why you should never return a lost library book you’ve already paid for. Patreaon has 24 backers and the reward stickers are going out in the mail this week. Our sticker drawing winner was Aaron. You can sponsor a single episode on the website on the Support NLCast page. Then Rockstar Paul tells of a wicked man with a wicked white cain. Elizabeth shares a story that involves spankings and her mom’s wiry leg-hair (*shudder*). Derek tells a slightly modified version of a true story about “Spotlighting”. Joseph is possessed while on a missionary trip. Anthony makes falling off your bike sound like a Micheal Bay film and then Keith shares how his trusty guide-dog Macky did too good of a job and his job helping Keith with his job… even while he wasn’t doing his job. You’ll see. It’s cute. Cause dogs. [sub-con] Transcription (5 mins) James: Uughh So How’s you’re week been, man? John: My week has been…mmmm..ok. (laughter) James: All right John: Yeah yeah I got this. I don’t know if it’s like drainage or what James: EEEWW John: I got a little sick (laughter) yeah not that kind (laughter) of..that’s gross any kind of drainage…I wasn’t even thinking of butt drainage until you said not that kind of drainage now I’m thinking of butt drainage (laughter) John: No, no James: What John: It’s not butt drainage James: Have you been eating some Splenda? John: NO no James: Or whatever.. John: Olestra James: Olestra or Olean John: Olean… may cause anal seepage James: Loosen up the sphinx (laughter) John: Nope not no just uuhh I can’t see I have nothing left. Except I, it might have been sinuses thus it might be voice now which I don’t mind James: Yea last time we talked about how attractive you were with a bald head now you’ve got the sexy voice John: Now I’m crazy James: You may be causing some of our female listeners to stumble John: (laughter) Well until they see my picture James: That’s right John: They’ll be like oh man I stumbled for what? James: Well I’m actually thinking of swapping the photo’s out (laughter) so everybody’ll think you’re the fat guy (laughter) John: No one will be the wiser James: He does great voices but he’s SO FAT…so..uh well.. I um I don’t know if you noticed but if you go to podcast.nlcast.com you can see what I’ve been working on for I guess Sunday Monday and today and last night and the night before a few weeks, no a few days. I was working on the website podcast.nlcast.com I’ve struggled with the theme in the podcast for quite a while because there’s no such thing there’s not good theme for podcasters that just does what a podcaster would want. John: Yeah James: I’ve looked around and spent hours just proving that fact and then I was like I oughtta hire somebody, you know. And then I was like No I’m Not because it costs 900 bucks or something (laughter) so then I’m like I’m going to try it myself so by god I learned some extra bonus I mean I knew enough to get by but I learned how to do some cool stuff. Now there’s a featured podcast section and there’s this cool you know green ribbon navigation across the top. John: And that scrolling thing you got at the top of the screen looks pretty sharp

I almost named this episode Technical Chicklets in honor of listener, Keith and the Skype problems that plagued the last five minutes of the show… but John’s reference to an amazing URL won out. This episode we talked about: Olivia Wilde had a baby with someone, Horses are poison, Stupid Jokes that are Funny, Jenna...

I almost named this episode Technical Chicklets in honor of listener, Keith and the Skype problems that plagued the last five minutes of the show… but John’s reference to an amazing URL won out. This episode we talked about: Olivia Wilde had a baby with someone, Horses are poison, Stupid Jokes that are Funny, Jenna reports a bully, J puts six boxcars on a train and learns to ride his bike the first time, James’ stupid dog chases some jerky ducks, Jenna names a rubber duck, People who critique 5 year olds playing t-ball, John’s gonna be in the movies and might be a racist, Father of Lights, John’s son is a HUGE Lego fan, Chuck Norris reference during chapel raises the geek-cred of 5th graders globally, Chris wants some sweet-tea, Stephanie describes a humorous house fire, and so much more! [sub-con]