Tales from the "LiberryCAST"

Booksales. They're a necessary evil when it comes to "liberries." Where else are we going to get rid of the piles upon donated piles of Chicken Soup for the Dickweed's Soul, or any given Mitch Albom book? But they're a colossal pain in the ass to have to organize, physically set up, and, eventually, take down, not to mention all those people you have to turn away donations from cause they insist on trying to give you the one thing you DO NOT ACCEPT: text books. And there's the matter of the horrible fate that awaits all the copies of The Five People You Meet in My Ass that are left over after the sale is through. Oh, and then there are the asshat used book sellers who refuse to play fair with other customers, try to sneak early peeks at potential prized tomes and who throw loud public tantrums when confronted about their asshattery. We know how to deal with them, as you shall see when you listen to this week's ep. SPECIAL GUEST STAR: Mr. Smiley, 2nd Grumpiest Old Man in All the World.

Of our dangerous patrons, one of the more benignly dangerous ones was Gene Gene the Genealogy Machine. And he was only dangerous because anyone near him had a far greater chance of having to gnaw their own leg off to escape the boring details of his family history than those who were not in his presence. Gene's greatest enemy, other than the neighborhood children who often encroached upon his ancestry computing time, were our computers themselves and the near dialup speeds they tended to run at. And while he proposed many fanciful solutions for the problem, getting him to listen to the ONE THING he could do that MIGHT have some effect was the major point of conflict in our relationship with him. This is that story.

Our Summer Reading program was far more stressful than most. We didn't just make kids read X number of books over X number of weeks, we also put together three hour-long programs for them each and every one of those X number of weeks, with crafts crafted, stories read aloud and snacks snacked upon. However, what made our Summer Reading even more stressful was our insistence on producing one of those hour-long Summer Reading programs on Mondays, which, as we all know from prior podcasts, are insanely chaotic all by themselves. So take the lines of screaming children, bewildered patrons, understaffed circulation desk, and general Monday Madness, during which no one has a moment to spare, and add a terrifyingly dangerous element: the patron who must not be named. Yessir, this is the one where things come to a head and yours truly gets to do the honors.

Over the 64 episodes of this podcast, I've told many a tale about mothers of questionable quality. Today, I present a few about the dads. Okay, so none of the dads in today's story are particularly questionable. I have to say that, cause my own dad is featured prominently and behaves admirably. But when it comes to dad stories at the "liberry" you have to pick from what's there, cause there's only a few to be found. But you do get to hear the tale of the time my dad and I nearly had to lay a beatdown on a frat guy in a Huddle House.

Newbie Greenhorn Ms. S was not only an eternal newbie greenhorn, she was their queen. Never before had I met a person so willfully unwilling to burn a single calorie in the execution of her job that could have gone unburnt with her ass planted in a chair. The fact that she remained an employee as long as she did is a mystery for the ages. After hoarding away a number of the best Ms. S stories, I finally unleashed them in a weeklong torrent called L is for Lazy Week (much as Ms. S could unleash a torrent of dumbass questions just as you were trying to walk out the door for home). This is that week adapted to podcast form.

One of the most confounding "liberry" mysteries put before me, years even before I began blogging about my adventures, was the mystery of Mr. Little Stupid. Like his near namesake, Mr. Big Stupid, Mr. Little Stupid enjoyed using our public computers. Unlike Mr. Big Stupid, Mr. L.S. was a small, meek fellow who walked around carrying a Girl Scouts binder and wanted to read the poetry of tragic figures cut down too soon. He also had the perplexing inability to remember the most basic of internet access concepts, such as how to load internet explorer, despite repeated lessons from me personally. It was a mystery that I came to solve, and chronicle here.

Take a coffee cup that has a lid... and is stationary... and has no backlighting... and has a radioactive isotope inside of it that could release a molecule that has a 50/50 chance to punch a hole in the side of it, revealing whether or not it's full... and... and... Oh, yeah, did I mention the room is completely dark? Yeah, it's dark, all right. Anyway, after you think about all that for a while, listen to this week's episode featuring Mr. Hinky, a Rogue Patron who was a repeat offender at sneaking coffee to our computers.

Okay, so it's a week late, but just like calling your mom for Mother's Day, better late than never. Today's episode is the sequel to last year's BAD MOTHERS DAY podcast which got rerun last week in place of this one, which was eaten by Audacity. So now, freshly rerecorded and spiffy and stuff, here's Bad Moms 2. Featured in today's episode are more tales of questionable parenting, featuring such bad parenting byproducts as Little Kayla, Holly GoHeavilly and the children of future podcast featured former Rogue, Ms. Green.

In honor of Mother's Day and because EFFing Audacity EFFing ate the Bad Mother's Day sequel file I recorded today just as I was starting to edit it . (That's okay, though. Turns out it had shitty audio cause something is set wrong on the wife's laptop. But I digress.) So instead, I present an encore reairing of last year's bad mother's day show. Tune in next week for this year's, dammit. From the cast of 16 And Pregnant to the Octomom to that Brazilian chick who said she was having, like, nine babies and then turned out she was just fat, bad moms are in the news and are seemingly more common than ever before. And while the majority of the moms who I knew at the "liberry" were awesome, there were a handful whose parenting skills I at least had to question, when not being actively driven nuts by the ladies themselves. Welcome to the Tales from the "LiberryCAST" Bad Mother's Day Special.

Throughout my time at the "liberry" I was able to identify and classify the top five grumpiest old men in all the world. So far Mr. B-Natural and Mr. Crab (#1 and #3, respectively) have had podcast episodes devoted to them. Now we turn to Grumpiest Old Man in All the World #4: Mr. Dent. This was an older gentleman kwho closely resembled Sam the Eagle from the Muppet Show, albeit with a massive dent in the side of his head. Oh, and he was also known for his infatuation with the alleged genetic impurity of a certain section of the English Countryside. I also discuss the concept and origins of Fake Shemps.

They say if you're one in a million then there are 10,000 of you in the U.S. alone. And thems only 1990 census numbers. This being the case, I, and more importantly people who barely know me, have run into (or attacked, in some cases) perfect strangers who just happen to resemble me. These handsome devils I call my "clones" and they have plagued me since my days in college. One even paid me a visit at the "liberry."

In honor of Earth Day, this episode presents my one and only Earth Day entry detailing one wildly irresponsible environmentally-conscious childrens' book that I regretted cold reading to a bunch of story hour kids. Additionally, this episode serves as part 2 of our cute stories about good kids series, albeit one in which some of the good kids are pretty frustrating. Guest stars include Brett Mavrick: The Card Sharp, Olive "Has No Inside Voice" Baker, and Danger Ben Stout.

Kids. Lots of people have them and lots of them are shits. Even thieving shits, (See: the Fagins). But once in a while you'll get a few good eggs. In fact, whole families of good eggs. After weeks (some might say 55 of them) of negativity and grief, allow me to present part one of a two part series of Tales of the Good Patrons--stories about great kids and/or great parents, who are no less entertaining than the bad ones--just in a good way.

This episode drops April 1 and it's all sprangy outside. In honor of that, here are a handful of stories involving the season of spring (with just a hint of winter). Highlights include appearances by Fatty Manchild and Old Man Womanlegs, plus the greatest and best shot in the world, and an unprecedented question from a patron.

While most newbie greenhorn employees settle into the job at some point (even some who take a year or two to find their feet) there are some who NEVER find their feet no matter how many times you train and retrain them. These are the eternal newbie greenhorns and Ms. S was their queen and, eventually, sole member at our branch. Which is odd, because Eternal Newbie "Liberry" Greenhorn Ms. S was allegedly a trained library worker with some sort of library degree to her name before she started.