Tales from the "LiberryCAST"

The majority of patrons are not rogue patrons. Some are great, some average, some merely annoying and some are what I called benign irritants. They're not evil, but sometimes may as well be for the amount of hassle they create. Such a patron was The Coot--an old man who didn't quite rise to even 6th grumpiest status, but who still demonstrated some of the most aggressive passive aggressive behavior I've ever seen.

We didn't have a lot of trouble when it came to lawbreakers and the "liberry." More often, our patrons were overzealous when it came to the law and its intricacies. But once in a while we were touched by the greasy caress of theft. Today I present the tale of the theft of the library's laptop by thieves driven to crime by their own bashful bladders. I also show how our own Junior Clubhouse Detective work that ultimately confirmed the identities of the thieves in question. (Featuring a cameo by Chester the (Potential) Molester.)

Everyone has trouble losing the holiday pounds. Even Chester the (Potential) Molester. And when there's lard to lose, what's a prevert like Chester to do? Answer: Head on down to the local gym, where he can get in a workout while ogling short-short clad beauties, all while wearing his stupid little knit cap. Of course, those beauties don't usually take kindly to being ogled by the likes of Chester. And therein lies our story. (Featuring a guest appearance by Parka)

On a whim, and lacking any other podcast material that struck my fancy when I woke up, I started rolling dice to determine a line of Tales from the "Liberry" blog entry dates from which I could potentially pull podcast adaptation material. Acording to my rules--ohhhh, there were rules--I couldn't rerecord a podcast I'd already adapted, couldn't adapt just one part of a multi-part story, nor could I skip to a nearby date if no entry existed for the date I rolled. After a 2 out of 5 ratio, I gave up on dice and hit Random.org's date randomizer, plugged in the range of years for the blog and went to town with slightly better results. In the end, I had five randomly chosen stories to adapt for today's show and adapt them I have. You're welcome.

During the writing of Tales from the "Liberry" the blog, I often found cause to point out the parental failings of some of our patrons. And on a few occasions, this hubris on my part would cause the patron saint of parents to arrange for me to experience a taste of the rigors of parenting myself. I was not always up to the challenge. (Featuring baby Ashley, the baby who appeared on last week's podcast.)

During the five year course of writing the original Tales from the "Liberry" blog, I wrote a substantial entry almost every single weekday. However, there were a few occasions when I skipped out on my blogging duties and not only said EFF it to myself, but posted it as well. And usually that day fell upon my birthday. That said, there are still a number of longer entries devoted to my birthday or involving birthdays in general. There are also an even greater number of entries devoted to the patron we called Birthday Lady, who phoned us faithfully every time a celebrity died to learn from us the day on which that fresh dirt-napper was born. So, in honor of the fact that this particular episode drops on my 2nd 39th birthday, I present a podcast that chronicles both of the above scenarios and more: The BirthdayCAST.

When one works in a library, one hears a lot of conversations. Often they arrive in person, often by phone and sometimes by second hand retellings of tales from fellow employees. When I heard a good one, I tried to write it down for use on the blog. Sometimes they were funny. Other times just odd. And occasionally they were downright terrifying. These are a few of my favorites. (Guest starring Rogue Patrons: Mrs. Carol Satan and Barbara Turdmurkle)

(In honor of this being Dragon Con Weekend, here's an encore bonus of last year's Dragon Con-themed LiberryCAST) As you might have noticed, I'm an enormous nerd. Maybe not quite as nerdy as the Nerdist Podcast, but nerdy all the same. As such, I'm fond of heading out to nerd gatherings such as the infamous Dragon Con in Atlanta. In honor of this being Dragon Con weekend for 2011, I present some non-"liberry" tales of my D-Con experiences of the past decade. Included are dealer's room encounters with gerbil-cleavaged sci-fi heroines; Annoying Brit Track Boy's near-death-experience at the hands of both the panel audience and the 5th Doctor Who; an awkward encounter with Biff from Back to the Future, Harlan Ellison laying verbal waste to one and all; and, as always, the guy that played Boomer in the 70s Battlestar Galactica.

Having last appeared in the Bad Mom's 2 Mother's Day Episode, Ms. Green was not a bad mom, per se, despite assisting her son with his homework projects a bit more than would be educationally healthy for him. She also distinguished herself by being one of our more exasperating patrons despite almost always being incredibly nice to us. The primary reason for the conflict between our personality types stemmed from her refusal to understand simple concepts that required no explanation without triple-ply explanation. Well, that and her cell phone ringtone.

The day we hoped for and dreamed of had to eventually come: the day the Queen of the Eternal Newbie Greenhorns, Ms. S, left the employ of the "liberry." And when the day came, she went with barely a whimper, but a whole lot of whining. What we didn't realize was the freeing her from the employ of the "liberry" freed her up for a new calling: fiction writer. Also features the long sought-for 5th Grumpiest Old Man in All the World: William Shatner.

8/8/12 THIS EPISODE HAS BEEN RERECORDED TO ELILMINATE SHITTY AUDIO PROBLEMS A podcast over a year in the making featuring a cinematic theme. Yes, just in time for Catwoman's appearance in The Dark Knight Rises comes the second part of the much delayed Halle Berry's Catwoman Blows Goat Wang entry from nigh on a year back. Plus there are the touching tales of the best flat-footed mountain dancer and Elvis impersonator in the world (or at least our state) and why Star Wars Episode III made me cry. (Hint: It wasn't Hayden Christensen's acting, though it should have been.)

A podcast over a year in the making featuring a cinematic theme. Yes, just in time for Catwoman's appearance in The Dark Knight Rises comes the second part of the much delayed Halle Berry's Catwoman Blows Goat Wang entry from nigh on a year back. Plus there are the touching tales of the best flat-footed mountain dancer and Elvis impersonator in the world (or at least our state) and why Star Wars Episode III made me cry. (Hint: It wasn't Hayden Christensen's acting, though it should have been.)

Brent and Brice (a.k.a. the New Devil Twins) and their friends, the Auxiliary League of Neighborhood Kids, were a minor thorn in our collective "liberry" side through most of my time working there. They were mostly known for hogging up our computers, My Space chatting to one another from a mere three feet away and their habit of printing reams of video game cheat codes which they always acted shocked about having to pay for. But when the thermostat controls of our building began receiving extreme and unauthorized adjustments, their names were among those that turned up on my short list of Merry Prankster Suspects.

On many occasions during my time at the "liberry" I expressed my deepest desire to call the police concerning our resident pedophile, Chester the (Potential) Molester. This is the story of the time I finally got to call them... about his illegally parked car.

As you may have heard for approximately 5 minutes on the national news, Appalachia recently got the smackdown put on it by a series of violent thunderstorms packing hurricane force winds. Fortunately, before the power went out for nearly a week, I'd already banked a couple of podcasts to cover the time I was already planning to be out of state. We got caught in the storms first-hand and the wife had to deal with them for the duration. This is our story.