Betrayal Trauma Recovery show

Betrayal Trauma Recovery

Summary: btr.org – Betrayal Trauma Recovery is a safe place for women experiencing the pain, chaos, and isolation associated with their husband’s abuse: lying, gaslighting, manipulation, porn use, cheating, infidelity, emotional abuse, and narcissistic abuse. We affirm that codependency or labeling a woman as codependent is a form of victim blaming. We help women who are in a relationship, separated, or divorced navigate what to do. Pornography addiction / sex addiction are not a couples issue – they’re a domestic abuse issue. Narcissistic abuse is not a communication issue. We help our clients recover by establishing safety in their lives and families through boundaries. If you suspect your husband is a narcissist, a pornography addict, or emotionally abusive, this podcast is for you. Every woman on our team has experienced abuse and betrayal trauma first hand. BTR is a 501(c)(3) non-profit. For past podcasts visit our website: btr.org

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 Top Five Reasons 12-Step Can Be Helpful | File Type: audio/mpeg | Duration: 21:40

The 12-step programs date back decades, with many people finding comfort, healing, and strength within the guiding principles. Here at Betrayal Trauma Recovery, we have highlighted and discussed some of the problematic principles with 12-step programs, but today, we are going to cover some of the helpful aspects to these programs and how they can provide hope and healing to someone who is suffering from betrayal trauma. Lindsey, one of our listeners, shares her reasons that she has found 12-step programs helpful in her healing from betrayal trauma. She states, "One of the reasons it has been so helpful for me is recognizing that I can reevaluate my perspective on life, which is a really a hard process to do. Essentially, I am questioning everything about me, everything about what I understand about my world, about my higher power, about my relationships with my family and with my friends, and yet that process of questioning has been in a lot of ways very healing for me and I can feel the growth that I’ve had over the last 2 years of working 12-step."    12-Step Can Be Healing And Provide Hope Anne, founder of Betrayal Trauma Recovery, agrees, saying, "I have attended 12-step meetings in my journey to healing and finding peace, and I also find 12-step to be very helpful despite the parts that I see as very problematic." Lindsey states of her experience, "When I feel safe, I feel peace in my center. If there is something that isn’t safe or that feels off, it’s almost like a little flag goes off in my brain that says: “Wait, this is either totally unsafe or I just need to learn more. Ask some more questions and figure out what’s going on” because sometimes people say things in a way that is unsafe, but they didn’t intend to say it that way. My experience in the 12-step program has been largely positive and I feel safe."  Top Five Reasons 12-Step Can Be Helpful * The belief in a higher power can be healing and helpful along the journey. * Working on humility and empathy is a worthy goal. * Trusting in the timing of life can be beautiful. * The principles can be empowering to a survivor * It promotes self-awareness Lindsey describes how the conviction of faith has helped to give her strength, "When I have the knowledge that my higher power has a hand in my life, it suddenly becomes a beautiful, amazing process. I find that trusting God to know when a time like that would be right."  Furthermore, Lindsey describes how her the work she did on humility and examining her relationships, ultimately was beneficial for them, saying, "This process of becoming humble  recognizing there is a problem and I need make amends with a person I took advantage of in my life. I told her that I was truly sorry for the pain I caused her. Over the last year as I’ve come from that framework, it has done amazing things in our relationship. Building trust and having her become closer to me in ways that just were not there before." What Are The Reasons People Do The 12-Steps? Anne expounds on what she has found helpful with 12-step, saying, "I think the principles in 12-step have given me a pattern in which to remove the character defects that I have, which is always a good and positive change."  Ultimately, Lindsey sums up her experience, "Just having the framework to be able to solve problems in a different type of way, a spiritual way and have it actually work, but strangely not the way that other things work is life-changing. Other things like you plant corn, you water it, and the corn grows. That’s not how 12-step works. You do all the things you’re supposed to do, and you surrender. It doesn’t seem like a direct result of it, but the growth happens in this other place and then you look back and you’re like: “Whoa I changed.

 How Abusive Men Weaponize Codependency Language | File Type: audio/mpeg | Duration: 27:32

Melinda, wife of a sex addict, recently wrote on BTR's website about how abusive men weaponize codependency language. She coined the phrase "weaponizing codependency language" and feels that her story and experience can help other women in this situation.  Melinda states, "My husband revealed that he had been having an affair and later on revealed that he has been seeing a sex massage and also abusing porn. We entered into a process of trying to figure out what was going on." Co-Dependency Can Be Manipulated By Abusers So many women face this issue alone and confused. Melinda goes on to describe, "I understood that it was not my fault and that it was something I felt like we could overcome together. He struggled a lot with all of it and ultimately showed that he couldn’t meet me where I needed to be met so that I could recover from the betrayal. For a period of time, he entered into 12-step, and I also should say that he has been trained as a counselor. He’s not a therapist now, but he was trained as one, and when we entered into therapy after the revelations of his betrayal something kept coming up that was baffling to me and it was reinforced by our therapist." Co-Dependency Language Can Harm A Victim Anne, founder of Betrayal Trauma Recovery, see this dynamic and feels it is all too common. She states, "A lot of the sex addiction therapists claim to know about betrayal trauma, but they do not actually practice it. They envelope codependency narratives into their scripts and therapeutic approach, but represent it as being informed in betrayal trauma and that is very dangerous. Sex addiction therapists do not really seem to understand it either. The best people seem to be abuse experts from what we’ve experienced in our years of work with abused women who are wives of sex addicts."  Melinda goes on to explain that their therapist insisted that she was responsible for the dynamic within the relationship. She says, "Our therapist seemed to offer that as a reason of why my husband did what he did and was acting out in the way that he was. I was trying to wrap my head around it because I’m a person who takes a lot of responsibility for her own behavior and her own actions but I knew this did not make any sense.  I also have done a lot of work professionally understanding trauma, so I was already under trauma orientation, thinking: “I’m traumatized. Why am I not getting understood here? Why does it keep coming back to something in my psychological makeup that’s creating this dynamic of his acting out behavior?”" Abusers Will Use The Co-Dependency To Abuse Melinda goes on to explain, "My husband had a charming façade and playful façade, and he often would gaslight me as well. What I realized is that the codependency flame was a really great excuse for him to not take responsibility. I think throughout our relationship, we had had problems prior to this and the problems, in my view, were not taking accountability for his behavior. Other kinds of behavior and responsibilities, and when the word codependency or the concept of codependency came into our relationship it just became another tool to gaslight me and deflect and not be accountable. It was really confusing for a while because I am a person who wants to take accountability, but he was using it as a way to not actually address the harm he would cause." "I became a scapegoat for many, many things and this just allowed even more scapegoating. For example, his decisions to cheat and all the other stuff was part of that scapegoating. I didn’t quite understand why this was happening." Eventually Melinda found the help she needed. She explains, "It didn’t make sense to me until I started looking into what codependency tells people. It tells them to focus on themselves and not on others, which sounds great, but in the hands of an abusive and exploitativ...

 What Is Guided Meditation And Can It Heal Trauma? | File Type: audio/mpeg | Duration: 29:23

  Unlike therapy, with guided meditation you do not need to give a response. Essentially the work is done within your own mind, your own consciousness, and within your own imagination. Here at Betrayal Trauma Recovery, we have an amazing coach who specialized in guided meditation and shares her insight, talents, and training with us to help women heal the scars of abuse and trauma. Peggy shares some of her tips for having a successful guided meditation session:  5 Steps To A Successful Guided Meditation Session * Go to a comfortable location. * Preferably, close your eyes. * If you feel like you don’t like closing your eyes for whatever reason you can just look down. * Try sitting up in a chair in a way that makes you very comfortable. * Clear your mind as the session begins.  As Peggy explains, "One of the principles that this particular meditation shows us is that when we can imagine something, and we change what it looks like or change the feeling of it and the senses of it, it shifts something deep inside of us. We are talking to the non-conscious mind in the language of the non-conscience. It’s really easy and relaxing. When you find yourself in a nice comfortable position, I just want you to start to notice and feel your back against the chair or couch or the bed. Now notice your breath; in and out." "Just allow yourself to breathe a little deeper now and just know that with every breath you take and with every sound you hear, including the sound of my voice, that it will help you to become more and more relaxed now. Perfect." "I want you to just think of a challenge or a problem that you may be facing right now. This might be a stressful relationship, maybe there is a specific part of that relationship that’s challenging, there might be fear coming up around making money. It could be really be anything. It might be self-care and how you’re not doing it." What Is Guided Meditation? Peggy is going to guide us through one of her guided meditations:  "Just imagine a challenge or a problem and imagine that a part of you believes that this will be difficult to resolve so we’re going to imagine that part of you that believes that this will be difficult to resolve. We think of a part of you that is confused, un-resourceful, negative, dark, or even hopeless.  "Okay, now closing your eyes, see that part that’s un-resourceful, negative, dark or even hopeless in your left hand. If you can’t see it clearly just imagine it or pretend that you can see it, and then see it. Now give a color to that part and see the color of that part and give a shape to that part and see the shape of that part. See the brightness or dullness of that part, and now hear the sound that part makes and the words that part has to say to you. Listen to that part telling you the benefits it gives you, and if you can’t think of any benefits just consider the possibility that its benefit may be to protect you from something. Now, close your left hand." "Now, just get a sense of how you will feel when this challenge is successfully resolved or access the part of you that knows it is already healed and whole or can heal itself or access the part of you that is light. Now see this part in your right hand. Again, see the color of this part and if you can’t see the color just imagine what color it might be. See the shape of this part and see the brightness of this part." "Now, hear the sounds of this part or the words it has to say to you. From this best part of you listen to this part telling you the benefits it gives you. Perfect, and as you close your hand around this part, feel these benefits and wonderful feelings in your whole body, and just rest in these feelings for a few moments." "Now as you open your right hand again,

 Can Meditation Help Heal The Harm From Narcissistic Abuse? | File Type: audio/mpeg | Duration: 24:52

Can meditation really help to heal from narcissistic abuse? Some people may be skeptical, but meditation has been proven to have benefits that offer hope and healing. Meditation has helped hundreds of thousands of people across the world free themselves from issues like anxiety, stress, depression, low self-esteem, chronic anger and rage, physical illness, addictions, and unhealthy behaviors, sexual and physical abuse and emotional abuse, relationship problems, procrastination and career under-performance. Peggy, Betrayal Trauma Recovery Coach and Journey Works practicioner, states, "Guided Meditation is really an incredible tool to be used for moving forward in life. I choose it because it was fast, and I also really had a foundation and understanding that the record of our life is stored in our bodies and the Journey really accesses that record and helps us to change it." What can meditation do for us as it related to trauma? Anne, founder of Betrayal Trauma Recovery, states, "Many women who experience the trauma of abuse find themselves having difficulty processing the that trauma and pain. Meditation can help provide clarity and offer space for that processing to happen safely." Peggy also goes on to explain, "We store our memories in our body, Journey meditation teaches this and refers to it as 'cell memories'. We hold the record of our life in our bodies and in order to really release and let go and be free and truly heal, you have to release the body, that includes the emotions. We all have these crystallizing moments." What Are The Benefits To Meditation? There are many benefits to meditation. Here are the top 10: * It lengthens attention span. * Meditation reduces stress. * Meditation controls anxiety. * Promotes emotional health. * Enhances self-awareness. * Meditation is self-affirming. * It can help reduce memory loss. * It can help fight addictions. * Improves sleep. * Helps control pain. It connects to different parts of the brain and it helps them coordinate when you’re in a slower deeper breathing state. There are biological things that happen in meditation that are powerful. When you add visualization to it, which is part of what Journey Work is, it brings all the five senses together.  Peggy explains her perspective of the amazing work of meditation, "We all have a primary sense and probably a secondary sense, and so as a Journey Practitioner, I have been trained how to handle that if that comes up with a client. It’s rare because most people have visualization abilities, and by the way, you can increase your ability to visualize." But meditation does not have to be only one-on-one. Peggy states she has very productive group sessions where healing occurs collectively, "The benefits have been great. Everybody shifts, even though it’s not an individual process and I don’t know everything that’s going on. It really creates calm relaxation. They have been a lot of ah ha’s even in the group session with other women. They realize something about themselves or they get a new belief and they’re like: “Wow” and they always check-out feeling very different than when they checked in, which is super awesome." Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group can be a wealth of information and support for women who need it now and even for teens. Building a community of support is so important and vital in helping you find safety and peace. We are a non-profit organization that educates on how pornography is abusive and helps encourage women to achieve safety in domestic abuse situations. We operate on donations and because of...

 Is My Husband Gay? Coach Peggy’s Personal Experience | File Type: audio/mpeg | Duration: 25:58

Here at Betrayal Trauma Recovery, we hear many stories of women facing unimaginable trauma centered around betrayal and emotional abuse by their partners. Today, we are sharing one of those stories with you. Peggy is a professional Betrayal Trauma Recovery Coach with 20 years of experience. She helps individuals reach a place of peace and joy through guided meditation to dismantle trauma and remove sabotaging unconscious programming. Peggy is also a certified Journey Work Practitioner. Describing her experience, Peggy states, "I was married at a young age and a year after the marriage the man I was married to told me he had same-sex attraction. I was like, okay we’ll ride with it because I knew that this was the man for me and I was very committed in the relationship and had a strong belief in our marriage together. So, it was about 7 years into the marriage when things started to really bubble up for him and he started to do some of his own healing and eventually, he became a prominent therapist who helped men overcome same-sex attraction." Finding Out A Spouse Has Lied Is Traumatizing Eventually, Peggy began to see the cracks growing within her marriage, she states, "I continued my healing and unbeknownst to me the man I was married to was also doing men’s retreats and was very involved in helping men to heal and what I didn’t realize at the time was his focus, he was gone a lot, he didn’t focus on me a lot and there was a lot of pain in that. There were really good times and there were really awful times. We went through pornography issues and alcohol and cocaine, which I didn’t find out until later. He led me to believe that they were just forays into addiction and that he was healthy and long story short, what I realized towards the end of the marriage, it was a 34-year marriage, was that he actually never really did his work. He did it initially just enough to get to a point where he was respected and where he could see enough that he could create things and help other people and kind of be the top dog in the community." Peggy continues, "He had admitted that he had narcissistic tendencies and what I discovered was he was a covert narcissist because the narcissism thing as I was looking at it was: “Oh, he’s not overtly that way” but covertly he’s totally a covert narcissist. He was the one that came to me and said I want a divorce and it crushed me, I was devastated, but I learned so much in that process. I learned that he was a covert narcissist, that he actually was probably a sex addict, and I started to see the abuse that was happening. I started to wake up to it. The emotional abuse. Since the divorce, I learned that I actually was emotionally abused through the whole marriage, which is a lot to take into my body." Dishonesty Is Abusive, Even When It is About Sexuality Anne, founder of Betrayal Trauma Recovery, explains that emotional abuse is so often present, but unobserved as it is cleverly disguised, she states, "My ex, when he was speaking about his recovery, he wanted to become a therapist and he really loved the attention of speaking out and having people think he was such a good guy. Now, I’m just so terrified of that because he really never was in recovery, now that I look back. He was abusing me the entire time and that’s really scary to think that we stood up in front of 1600 people and spoke about his recovery when he was actively abusing me." Peggy agrees and describes how this same type of emotional abuse impacted her, "Even the act of standing up in front of those people and speaking about it and lying was an act of abuse toward me. The same thing with your ex. Every single time he purported to love or care or whatever when he was lying or hiding things is an act of abuse and so then you chalk it up to 34 years of these covert abuse tactics. Then suddenly after a “lifetime of working and being healthy i...

 What Is Grooming And Why It Is Dangerous? | File Type: audio/mpeg | Duration: 21:26

Grooming is a term you should know. Similar to gaslighting, it is a tool used to exert control and power within an abusive relationship. But what is grooming? Is this a process that gradually happens? How can we recognize it? Does grooming begin very early on within a relationship? Anne, founder of Betrayal Trauma Recovery, states, "Grooming takes place within an abusive relationship. A process that the abusive person uses at the beginning of the relationship to prep the relationship. To make sure that the victim feels safe. To make sure that she’s willing to trust him." Often times, in the beginning of the relationship, grooming is used as a way to establish a baseline of reality. But the key is that it is not actual real. Anne continues, Grooming Happens In Abusive Relationships "In the start, they trying to set a baseline reality that this is a really genuinely good person. They are honest, they are kind. They are everything that you’re looking for in someone. They’re trying to set that baseline understanding so that when something bad happens it’s outside the norm and that is not who this person is, rather than the true baseline which would be this person is dishonest or this person is abusive, or they deal with things in unhealthy or abusive ways. That is the intention of grooming. It’s to set a baseline reality that’s not actual reality. It’s a form of manipulation, and if someone is doing that from the very beginning from the moment you meet them, they’re purposefully trying to control how you view them rather then just trying to get to know you. Rather than just being in a relationship and being real. They’re being very intentional about how the relationship is progressing and where it’s going." Rachel recently studying up on grooming. She keys in on how it is different than gaslighting by pointing out that, "Grooming anything that someone does to seem like they’re the knight in shining armor. It is similar to gaslighting because they both make you seem like the crazy person or the bad person, but it’s the intentionality of them doing good things to seem good and hide the bad." Along these lines, Anne adds, "With grooming, he sets the stage. He convinces everyone around him that this is the type of person that he is and that way anything outside of that baseline reality of this is a good person, he’s someone who obeys the commandments, he’s someone who loves God. Then there is this thing he does that seems outside of that box so there must be a good reason for it or maybe he’s really not doing that or maybe she’s exaggerating. Then he can continue the abuse or escalate the abuse without being held accountable, which is part of the grooming process." What Is Grooming? Rachel explains her process of realizing that she was experiencing abuse in her relationship, "I heard the term abuse probably in November and I was laughing. I was like: “My husband’s not an abuser” and then once I started reading the book Why Does He Do That, I realized: “Oh, my goodness he really is” but I had no idea at that time." Rachel goes on to share how grooming was displayed in her relationship, "When he started working more on the 12-Steps and he was making amends to people in regards to his abusive behaviors, he would say all the right things without being really honest and manipulating them to make him seem better then he was at that point. Then when I wasn’t ok, people would say: “Oh, but I thought you were better because he reached out to me and he said he was sorry and made these amends and said he’s going to get better." Really, he was grooming others to believe that he’s better or believe that we’re better." Rachel shares this example that happened recently: "We had a talk with his parents, we are living with them right now, and they’re very toxic. He was defending me by saying “Yeah, I’ve been abusive.

 Pornography Is A Human Rights Issue | File Type: audio/mpeg | Duration: 35:12

Is porn is human rights issue? Dr. Gail Dines, Professor of Emeritus of Sociology, unequivocally says, yes. Dr. Dines has been researching and writing about the porn industry for well over 25 years. She is a recipient of the Myers Centre Award for the study of human rights in North America and the author of numerous books and articles, including PornLand: How Porn Has Hijacked Our Sexuality. She is the founding President and CEO of the non-profit Culture Reframed. Gail is also described as one of the leading anti-porn scholars and activists in the world. She states, "We need to see pornography as a harms issue and not a moral issue. That pornography was happening to real women and it had real-world consequences on women both in the industry and outside the industry, and that it really grew out of the radical feminist anti-violence movement. Where we began to see the relationship between pornography and violence against women." What Does Pornography Have To Do With Human Rights? Anne, founder of Betrayal Trauma Recovery, sees the similarities in the abuse within porn and the cross-over abuse by porn-users. She adds, "The same abusive thought processes: entitlement, feelings of superiority, are going to remain and that is very dangerous. What we’re seeing right now is so many men claiming to be in recovery yet they’re still exhibiting these abusive behaviors: lying, manipulation, anger. I don’t know whether the porn has stopped or not, right, because the lying continues, but at the very least we can see that the abusive behaviors are continuing." So why all the hype about the sex-positive movement? What does this mean? Dr. Dines explains, "The more privileged a woman is and the further away she is from ever having to be in pornography in order to put food on the table for her kids, the easier it is to endorse it as empowering. It’s a very privileged white position to say pornography, and I have to add in there prostitution because a lot of the same women who are pro-porn argue that they’re pro-prostitution, it’s a privilege white position because most of those women who have the argument are so far away from ever having to be in porn or ever having to be in prostitution. The first rule of feminism is to do no harm to women and pornography is one of the most harmful forms of visual representation that we have that delivers to men’s brains, a very clear image of misogyny." Anne agrees and explains the experiences of women she speaks with everyday, "At Betrayal Trauma Recovery, we see it as a consent issue with wives of porn users. That they are unaware of what is going on and so they are not technically able to give their consent in that situation because they’re being lied to in their most intimate relationship. So, it is an abuse issue. It’s an emotional abuse issue. It’s a consent issue. It’s a human rights issue. We’re trying to help people understand that so that they can really view pornography use with the lens of severity that it actually deserves." How Is Pornography Related To Human Rights Issues? What about the men in this situation? Dr. Dines explains, "The porn industry is traumatizing a generation of boys and a lot of these boys who grow up into young men feel deep shame about what they’re watching. They want to stop watching it. Some of them are habitual or addictive users and they are so grateful that someone has come in and said: “Is this who you really want to be? A guy who gets aroused to images of violence against women?” I would say for many of them the answer is no, they don’t want that. They’ve just been pulled into this trap that this predatory industry has laid for them and I think to suggest that boys or men are on the hunt for violent misogyny as a somehow biological imperative of masculinity is really to lower the bar about men." She adds,

 Is Pornography A Feminist Issue? | File Type: audio/mpeg | Duration: 31:08

With so much talk about the sex-positive movement, it is easy to become confused and question what position to stand on. Here at Betrayal Trauma Recovery, we want to break these issues down for you to understand. Jessica Sky Bahr, a relationship and individual coach, feminist activist, and founder of Relationshifting,  explains the feminist theories on pornography, "Radical feminists really try to look at the root of the issues of sexism, misogyny, and patriarchy. The other type of feminist who would argue that pornography or prostitution is empowering is typically referred to as liberal feminists, 3rd wave feminist, choice feminist, or even sex-positive. There is major disagreement among these two types of feminism: The Third Wave feminists think it’s empowering believe that if a woman is making the choice, no matter what the choice is, it is empowering just based on the fact that she’s getting to make the choice. Essentially they are looking at individual empowerment for the actual individual. Conversely, Second Wave feminism is looking at what’s good for women as a class. So, if I decide to be a stripper or go in to the sex trade, in the big picture not only is it not good for me as a women, it’s not good from my sisters, it’s not good for women as a class because it puts women at risk and puts out a message to society that women can be bought and sold and rented by men." Why Is Pornography Anti-Feminist? Adding her personal experience to this, Rachelle Morran, a sex trade survivor who was a prostituted in her youth and has now become an author and an activist says,  “There is not now, never has been, and never will be a feminist case for men to commercialize the bodies of women”. Jessica Sky Bahr, who serves on the Board of Directors for Culture Reframed, a non-profit whose mission is to build resilience and resistance to hyper-sexualized media and porn, goes on to state, "Our focus, as radical feminists, is on the liberation of all women. As long as there are women enslaved our goal is to help free all women under oppression under patriarchy, not just to make my personal decision. The Women’s Liberation Movement back in the ’60s and ’70s, Gloria Steinem, and the women of that movement were 2nd wave. They were very, very critical about pornography and sexual exploitation because they understood that when you have an oppressor class, which is men in male supremacy or patriarchy buying or renting the bodies of the oppressed class you can never have equality." Pornography Is Abusive And Does Not Value Women So what about the sex-positive/sex worker movement? How do we understand that as feminists? Skye Barr goes on to explain, "I’m a firm believer that until we address the demand side of sex buying women will not be liberated because we know by the data and by the experts in this field who study prostitution and pornography, that it is the most destitute, impoverished, traumatized, vulnerable people on the planet are the ones who end up in prostitution, being trafficked, pornography, and stripping. People argue for choice, like: “Oh, that’s her choice.” We have to step back and really define what choice is. Is her choice that she has to prostitute herself because she won’t be able to feed her kids? Are those the kind of choices that we are looking at?" "Are we talking about sheer survival? Why would we argue for that choice? Shouldn’t we be giving women more opportunities and we should be stepping back and looking at what are the driving forces that are driving these “choices”, and what is bringing them there and why are they staying too? If we could just look at what brings people to the sex industry and what keeps people from getting out. It’s horrifying. If people got really educated about this topic and they saw what brought women to this...

 The Truth About Abuse In Teen Dating | File Type: audio/mpeg | Duration: 31:15

Teens are driving, dating and having experiences that help them mature and grow. But what happens if they experience an abusive relationship? Sid, daughter of the founder of Educate and Empower Kids, a non-profit that provides education for parents to teach their kids great online habits and healthy ways of interacting with each other, shares her experience with dating abuse. She states, "Our relationship seemed really perfect for the first month. David would send me poems and he’d call me each night and tell me how amazing I was. He dressed nicely and spoke well of others. He was close with his family and a strong member of the church, and he was smooth and ideal and just kind of the perfect social media looking boyfriend. I thought that I had really found someone I could date for a long, long time, even forever until I found out that he had been lying to me about some things. The first big lie, he didn’t really seem to care, and he kept making excuses until I would threaten to break up with him. It wasn’t really that I meant for it to be a threat, it was more like I told him that I was uncomfortable with that. He had told me that he hadn’t had sex before, but the truth was that he had, and I was worried that he would lie to me again. It wasn’t necessarily that he had done that before, it was just that he told me a completely different story. He fabricated this whole lie around it. He practically begged for me to stay with him. He cried and made me feel really guilty like it was at fault. So, we stayed together, and we began to, I guess, repair the relationship but it wasn’t really repairing it." Teen Dating Violence Is Real Sid goes on to explain, "I really didn’t even want to do anything that would resemble any sort of sexual act. I was only fine with kissing or like snuggling. On the phone is how it began. He would mention to me like: Oh, I want to do this to you and he would insert some sort of sexual act. I would tell him: Okay, you can make jokes about that I guess on the phone since it seems like you’re already doing that, but I would appreciate if you make it clear to me that you don’t really want to do that. I don’t want to do that. He would say something like: Oh, well, you’ll come along or like: Oh, you’ll want to later on. So, it kind of put the idea in my head: Oh, well maybe I’m supposed to do those things, and I knew it was wrong from a church standpoint and from my standards, but it was hard because he would talk to me like that so much and I would definitely feel like I had to or like he didn’t feel like I loved him enough if I didn’t do that. There were a few different times where in my car before I dropped him off at home and we would be kissing and then he would kind of try to move his hand somewhere and I would move it away at first, but he would try again. It just felt like he kept trying every single time that he had a moment that he could. So, eventually, I would just slowly let it happen. Just these little things would slip, and I think the worst time that it happened when there was real sexual coercion going on would be a few months in. We were kissing and then I remember telling him no. He had started to take off some of my clothing and then he was trying to put his hands in places where I didn’t want and I told him no out loud, and he pretended like he didn’t hear me, and so I said it again and I pushed him off of me, and I started to cry because it had really scared me. He stopped and automatically he said he was sorry and that he just didn’t hear me, but there was this feeling in my gut that I just kind of knew that he had heard me. I knew that I had said it loud enough and that he was close enough that he had to have heard me.

 Joining Advocacy To End Sexual Exploitation | File Type: audio/mpeg | Duration: 16:53

What can be done about the current climate where sexual exploitation is seemingly everywhere? Are there organized efforts that call for change? How can we be empowered to advocate for ending sexual exploitation in our communities? Dawn Hawkins is the Executive Director of the National Center on Sexual Exploitation (NCOSE), a leading national organization exposing the links between all forms of sexual exploitation such as child sexual abuse, prostitution, sex trafficking and the public health crisis of pornography. She explains, "One of the weaknesses in the fight against any one area of sexual exploitation is that we often silo these issues.But in reality, they are all interconnected. It’s so important that we look at how pornography is connected to violence against women or how pornography is driving demand for sex trafficking and prostitution, or how pornography even is connected to child sexual abuse and child pornography. There is so much intersectionality, and we do a disservice when we try to silo them out." Sexual Exploitation Is Everywhere Anne, founder of Betrayal Trauma Recovery states, "Many people, when they hear about sex trafficking and exploitation and pornography, they get kind of depressed because it’s so uncomfortable and can seem hopeless." Dawn explains how she sees these issues and how people can help, "It is important to remember that anyone anywhere can challenge and oppose sexual exploitation whenever and wherever they see it. The National Center on Sexual Exploitation, focuses on changing policies that we see as facilitating sexual exploitation. Sometimes those polices are government related, but often our work is focused on corporate policies. Just add a little bit of hope-- we get real results and we’ve had huge victories. We got Google, for example, to kick all sexually explicit apps out of Google Play and to stop all explicit and pornographic advertisements. We got 5 major hotels to stop selling pornography. Essentially that is 2 million hotel rooms around the world that don’t have pornography through the on-demand system." Sexual Exploitation Can Be Stopped Anne sees these advocacy efforts producing change as empowering, "There are thousands and thousands and hundreds of thousands of people all over the world, across the globe, who are working toward a pornography and exploitation free world." Check out the amazing efforts of NCOSE today and lend your help to this organization. You can even lend a hand to advocate from your own home, by writing emails, signing petitions, and sharing the calls to action on social media. As always, our aim here at BTR is to be here for you. If you are struggling with issues related to the trauma of betrayal, check out Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group to help you explore boundaries and maintain safety. As always, our Individual Sessions are also helpful in recovery and empowerment.We are always looking for stories of victims. If you would like to come on the podcast and share your story, please email us at anne@btr.org and share your story. The more we can share and get stories like this out into the light the more it helps all victims everywhere. If this podcast and these types of materials are helpful to you, please make a recurring donation. Similarly, every single one of your ratings on any of your podcasting apps like iTunes or Stitcher helps isolated women find us so please rate the BTR podcast. Until next week, stay safe out there. Full Transcript:

 After The Discovery Of Betrayal: The Checklist | File Type: audio/mpeg | Duration: 9:57

You've just learned about the lies. The betrayals. The discoveries. You are experiencing a flood of emotions, from confusion to anger to sadness to disbelief. You feel lost and devastated. Everything is foggy. What do you do now? What is your next step? A Checklist Of Clear Steps Can Help You Heal After Betrayal Here at Betrayal Trauma Recovery, we have created a Checklist to help you in this situation: * Open up to a safe person. Our the checklist has examples of unsafe statements. Pay attention to how others respond to your situation, as this can determine whether or not they are a safe person.  * Make a daily self-care plan. It can be simple and change over time depending on your needs. * Schedule an appointment with your OB or midwife to get tested for STD’s even if your husband tells you he’s only used pornography. This is really important because then you can get actual objective information to help you make your decisions. If you’re still having sex with a known pornography user, it’s good to get an STD workup once a year. * Establish a safe network. This is different than reaching out to a safe person. Establishing a safe network is starting to look at who is safe and who is not. It make help to make a list of safe vs. unsafe people. * Don’t try to identify the cause of his abusive behaviors. So many of us get stuck in: Does he have a personality disorder? Is this a pornography addiction? Is it an addiction or does he just use pornography sometimes? So, he had an affair, does that make him a sex addict? These questions are not relevant in cases of abuse. * Know that couple's therapy is NOT the right place to start. Many couple therapists make the emotional abuse a communication issue and they give victims of the abuse pointers about how they can improve their communication, but improved communication is not going to stop the abuse. * Learn about boundaries. Thinking about what it means to feel safe. Thinking about what you would need to feel safe. Learn all you can about this topic. * To actually hold appropriate boundaries to establish an emotionally safe home. That is tough, and it takes that support network, so it’s really important to have that support network established first. * Be kind to yourself. After The Trauma Of Discovery, A Checklist Can Help We encourage you to reach out to start building your community of support. We have many resources available for you that can help along the journey of healing. Coach Joanne is a registered nurse and she can help women with the physical symptoms that they have related to the trauma. While you’re waiting for next weeks podcast, scroll down to the bottom of this page and make a donation. Your recurring monthly donation supports this free educational material both through this podcast and through our website to all women throughout the world.  Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group is a fantastic support group online, run by our fabulous coaches. There are multiple sessions per day in multiple time zones so that you can get support whenever you need it. Until next week, stay safe out there. Full Transcript: Welcome to Betrayal Trauma Recovery this is Anne. Many of you are familiar with our safety checklist but I wanted to go over it today for people who are not familiar with it. So, if you go to our website and you search for checklist or you can click on education and go to checklist. This is the 9 steps to heal from Betrayal Trauma. The first step is: Open up to a safe person. I want to go over this checklist today for those of you who aren’t familiar so that you know what you’re loo...

 Is Pornography Sexual Coercion? | File Type: audio/mpeg | Duration: 32:10

Is non-consensual pornography use within a relationship a form a sexual coercion? What do both sides say about this issue? We unpack some important aspects of this topic! Karen, a victim of betrayal trauma and a therapist, states, "I discovered that my husband had been unfaithful and it was a slow, leaky discovery. In reality, there was sexual addiction, acting out, affairs, and exchanging of photographs. I did not have the awareness to know the extent of the emotional abuse that was occurring." Pornography Is Sexually Coercive Many women do not realize that they are even being abused in these ways that are more covert and less obvious. This is how and why the abuse continues to thrive. Karen continues, "Once I found out more information I was in absolute shock. There is some level of shame in being a victim. It is a really difficult thing to identify yourself as a victim. It was a slow awakening for me. I realized that I had been in freeze mode for many years; it is paralysis. You can be in a situation where you are emotionally and psychologically abused and you really do not identify it. It is so insidious. I did end up recognizing his behavior as being cyclic and set boundaries to disengage and keep myself safe." But often times the implementation of boundaries can escalate abusive behaviors. In Karen's case, this was true, "He continued to escalate further and further when he was not getting way. He used my boundaries to justify himself. In addiction, addicts will twist and justify the behavior but the driving force is addiction." Sexual Coercion Must Not Be Accepted In Any Form Anne, founder of Betrayal Trauma Recovery, states, "Abusers will use your boundaries against you. They will blame you for his choices and his actions.  On top of that, the societal scripts seem to justify getting needs met and it often is not put in the context of abuse. So it remains unrecognized." Karen agrees, "Viewing sex as a need that must be met feeds into the entitlement that men have. Feminism is not about becoming like men and imitating what they do; it is about being able to become who we are as women. We want a sex-positive culture, which means we want to acknowledge that we have desires and it is ok to honor those. It does not mean that we imitate toxic masculinity." Sexual Coercion Can Be Subtle But Damaging Anne adds, "It also does not mean that we pattern our sexuality after pornography. That is the most unhealthy. The sex-positive movement is being used in a way that is abusive and unhealthy. It is a form of spiritual bypass.  Not accepting pornography does not make me sex-negative. It makes me healthy. This is a false dichotomy." Karen shares her thoughts on this issue of the many treatment programs that deal with problematic sexual behavior, "Pornography is exploitative and abusive. Abusiveness is a major component of sex addiction. People who use substances are abusing a substance. People who use pornography are using and abusing other people. The addiction treatment industry itself it is not addressing it. There is so much stigma around addiction that they fail to understand and treat the abusive component to the addiction. They want to stop the behavior but do not want to acknowledge the harm it causes to women and children. This only enables the addict to further abuse." Women's Boundaries Should Be Respected And Not Coerced It is an issue that Anne has seen over and over again, "It is an obvious and misogynistic form of victim-blaming. Women are not kept safe, they are not even being treated with respect by trained professionals." So, is pornography sexual coercion? Karen says yes, "Any form of porn in your relationship after you have asked for it not to be is a form of sexual coercion. Women absolutely have the right to say what type of sexual exp...

 Can Yoga Help Heal Betrayal Trauma? | File Type: audio/mpeg | Duration: 25:51

There a large chance you have heard of the amazing benefits of yoga! But did you know it can also be beneficial in treating betrayal trauma? Yes, it is true! Katy Willis, a Registered Nurse and certified Yoga Instructor, states, "In a nutshell, Yoga creates a lifestyle shift." Yoga Helps Bring Peace And Awareness Anne, founder of Betrayal Trauma Recovery, shares in this philosophy as she emphasizes the importance of meditative practices as an intervention in healing from the trauma of betrayal. She states, "We want women to process the trauma through their body. Yoga and meditation can do this and so much more." Katy shares her personal story of facing trauma and finding Yoga, "My world was shattered when my husband let me know he was relapsing with pornography and sex addiction. The betrayal trauma for me was off set, meaning I did not feel the full impact of the trauma until I got some healing under my belt. I was not a believer in yoga at all. I had no idea what it was either. But I tried it after several people had mentioned it to me during the time I was facing this trauma. After I started doing yoga, I noticed how I always felt so good after I did it." How Does Yoga Help With Trauma? Katy quickly became passionate about incorporating yoga into her own healing and now teaches yoga to others. Having a background in science, she also explains what happens in the body physiologically during and after trauma and how yoga can help, "The biggest effects take place in the brain and nervous system. Emotional stress has a bigger impact impact that health or physical stress. The amygdala is the specific part of the brain responsible for sending signals to other parts of the brain to release hormones like cortisol. When there is a perceived threat, the sympathetic nervous system is also activated. For a person who has experienced trauma, these parts are profoundly effected, often times having a hard time with constant triggers and inability to exist in a more relaxed state." Essentially, resetting the brain to handle perceived triggers, is key, and this is accomplished breath, movement, or touch. Yoga is the science of awareness and what we are studying is ourselves. We focus on what is happening now with us in this moment. Yoga as a practice can help us reset our brain and be in the present, decreasing anxiety and the lasting effects of trauma on our body and mind. Our body benefits greatly from the patterned breathing involved in yoga our brain becomes activated and aware in a new and synchronized way. Another important part of yoga is to find other like-minded people to offer a sense of community for survivors of trauma. Five Physiological Benefits of Yoga * Aides in digestion * Circulation of blood * Strengthening nervous system * Detoxifying organs * Establish mindfulness Yoga can help address the effects of trauma on the body and mind! We are so excited that Katy will be offering a trial Yoga session of Betrayal Trauma Recovery Club on May 11th at 9am EST; contact Coach Jean to sign up! Along these same lines, we recently added a meditative session with Coach Peggy. Our BTRG sessions are great for women to find connection and talk to a trained professional. Individual sessions are also a great option for one-on-one support. We would like to thank you for your monthly recurring donation. Each donation helps women find safety and achieve peace in their life. As always, stay safe out there. Full Transcript: Anne: Welcome to Betrayal Trauma Recovery, this is Anne. I have Katy Willis on today’s episode.

 I Was A Victim Of Domestic Abuse And Everyone Blamed Me | File Type: audio/mpeg | Duration: 38:28

Let's talk about Domestic Abuse: The rate is shocking. Statistics indicate that "1 in 4 women experience severe intimate partner physical violence, intimate partner contact sexual violence, and/or intimate partner stalking with impacts such as injury, fearfulness, post-traumatic stress disorder, and the use of victim services" (National Coalition Against Domestic Violence.) June, a victim of domestic violence, shares her story of abuse, "He would come home and yell and throw things around. He would berate me for how the children were dressed and act very scary. He had left me on the side of the road several times when he would get angry at me in the car. He would just pull over and kick me out. I would be left there for hours in different places, in front of my children who were in the car. He withdrew money from our bank account, so I couldn’t buy groceries. He was of course very verbally abusive, and also mentally, psychologically, and socially aggressive to me in ways that I couldn’t even recognize. He would also very frequently embarrass me in public situations that we were together and make jokes at my expense. He would demean me. H was very sexually coercive, trying to get me to do things that I wasn’t comfortable with. The manipulation was really always present. But I would also be so grateful when he would make it right, and when he wouldn’t behave those ways. It was a huge relief, and so it’s almost like you become accustomed to the love bombing and the apology and the honeymoon period that happens after those abusive situations." Anne, founder of Betrayal Trauma Recovery states, "This is very typical of an abusive cycle. We see this with victims over and over again. The behaviors are the same. The patterns are the same." Knowing the Cycle of Abuse Is Important: * The Honeymoon Phase-This is also known as love-bombing, where the abuser hooks the victim with promises of love and safety. * The Tension-Building Phase-The tension starts to rise; the victim feels like the have to walk on eggshells to avoid confrontation. * The Explosive Phase-Abusive behavior occurs, the cycle repeats. June continues, "After I finally initiated separation, he was moving out and he packed up all of his guns and laid them in the hallway. Me and the kids were in the house and it was very obvious that he was doing that to cause me fear, which it did. It made me feel very scared.One particular day he picked up the kids for a visit. He was obviously in a very destructive place. He called me horrific names, my children were there. He was demeaning, demanding, very scary behavior. After seeing this behavior, I did not feel safe sending my kids with him. They were all in the car and I went and I got in the car with them and he grabbed me from the car and threw me on the driveway in front of my children. Then he drove away with my kids in the car. I was left laying on the driveway. I was hysterical, traumatized, I was injured. I had an abrasion on my elbow. My clothes were torn in several places. From landing on gravel/cement, I had bruising on my hip." From this point, June was able to get a restraining order for herself and all of her four children. She made the decision to leave in the middle of the night to stay with family in another state, since she was extremely fearful of her husband's escalating behavior. She shares, We received great services from a women's center. It was a time of healing and a time of safety and security. I did struggle though, financially. I resorted to donating my plasma for money to live." Abuse Can Exist Anywhere At this point, June and her husband had to go to court to settle custody and support matters. June states that as soon as she walked in the courthouse, she saw a friend of hers from church.

 My Bishop Failed To Protect Me From Abuse | File Type: audio/mpeg | Duration: 29:24

Many women do not realize the situation they are in is actually abusive. When they do realize it is an abusive cycle and they start setting boundaries, in some cases, the abuse by their husband or partner escalates. Their own trauma also increases because they understand what is happening. As Anne, founder of Betrayal Trauma Recovery states,  "When women first start this journey, they may not realize it is abuse that they are experiencing. They may think it is an anger problem or porn problem. But as she learns more and realizes it is abuse, the trauma becomes greater." Church Clergy Are Often Not Trained Appropriately June, who shared her story last week of raising children with special needs while in abusive relationship, explains that she did not realize she was even experiencing abuse. This is frequently the case when women are in abusive cycles that are covert and cleverly hidden. June states, "Throughout our dating and our marriage, abuse was present all along. I reached out to my family and friends and no one picked up on what this was. Looking back, there was an abusive episode, then love bombing, then the honeymoon phase, the tension building phase and then another abusive episode. I became so invested in how things were during the love bombing and honeymoon phase, that I would stay each time the abuse happened." Church Clergy Can Not Deal Effectively With Abuse Anne states, "If you start down this path of setting boundaries and things get worse, know that you can do this and you are strong. Your safety is the most important thing." Nevertheless, it is difficult for women sometimes to overlook the good phases of the relationship and focus on their own  safety. June explains, "Normal for our relationship was a lot of verbal abuse, emotional abuse, psychological manipulation and even spiritual abuse. I was constantly in a state of confusion. BTR was a beacon of light to me in my situation. It helped give me language for what I was feeling and be able to label my situation as abusive." Church Clergy Should Not Be Discussing Marriage Issues When It Comes To Abuse Lundy Bancroft discusses this element of abusive men in his book, Why Does He Do That? He points out how boundaries can cause abuse to escalate in cases where the men feel especially entitled to treating women however they want. They fail to see women as equals, and instead see her as existing to fulfill a purpose for him. June explains how the abusive cycle is unrecognizable to someone who lives in it, "I was lead to believe I needed to get married with the culture I was raised in. I was young and naive. He came across as a great guy. But there were red flags the entire time. If i could go back, I would pay attention to the red flags that were present all along the way. We want to believe the best in people and these are men that we love. We take them at their word because we want to believe it." When June finally started to realize she was being subjected to horrible abuse, she started therapy to get some support. Her husband also went to his own therapist during this time. She recalls, "I went to the library and researched everything I could on domestic violence and abuse. I became empowered and his behavior escalated. My therapist picked up right away that I was in an abusive cycle. His therapist, on the other hand, who claimed to treat sexual addiction, did not." Women Should Take Great Caution In Meeting With Church Clergy Anne see this situation often as professionals in the field of sexual addiction sometimes fail to even consider the safety of the betrayed partners. She says, "We have noticed that sexual addiction experts do not identify the behaviors as abuse. It is really concerning because they are not keeping women safe."

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