Apocrypals

Get your shoes on and don't you dare leaven that bread, Theophiloi, because it's time to dive into the Book of Exodus! In this episode, we cover the first 18 chapters, including Moses's surprisingly violent origin story, 7+3 plagues, and Pharaoh's many, many ill-advised decisions. Plus, the ultimate #passoverhack: tacos.

Just so you know, Theophiloi, both of us have definitely read the Book of Exodus, as planned. Definitely. Especially me. Remember Pharaoh? And how about that Moses, huh? Anyway, this week, we're taking a break from scripture to answer your listener questions! Plus: the Renowned Jester of the Lord!

Greetings, Theophiloi, from your ever-punctual Sons of Thunder! We're back this week to answer the question of whether we can talk for an hour about exactly four pages (and 47 verses) of Bible. It's the famous story of a guy who has to live inside a whale for three days and then gets dunked on by God because he's a real grumpy boy. Join us for Jonah, won't you?

We're back for 2019, and on the off chance that we didn't have enough of them already, get ready for a couple new Johns. Specifically, we're celebrating Epiphany with Of Hildesheim's 14th-century book on the Legend of the Three Kings, which also introduces us to Prester. How weird is this one? Well, Chris highlighted an entire page from top to bottom, so believe us, it's a rollercoaster. Plus: Li'l Fat Jesus!!!!

Mary Christmas, Theophiloi! Normally at this time of year, you get a nice little reading from Luke about being sore afraid and wishing peace on Earth and goodwill to men. Unfortunately, we already covered that one, so we're bringing you the birth of Christ as you've never heard it before with the Infancy Gospel of James. We learn all about Mary's origin, in which she was Rapunzeled for thirteen years and then handed off to a very confused local carpenter.

Before we close out the Festival of Lights, we're going all in with 2 Maccabees. Things get buck wild as we hear about Judah Maccabee's exploits once again, now with roughly 1,000% more ghost warriors. Seriously, this is the most action-packed part of Bible we have ever experienced, and you'll recall that we saw Judas exploding back in episode 1, so the bar has been set pretty high. We do, however, need to put a strong Content Warning on this one for some graphic descriptions of torture and martyrdom.

Chag sameach, Theophiloi! It's Hanukkah times, so we're diving into One Maccabees to learn the story of the Festival of Lights, and also get 16 full chapters of Jews just beating the ever-loving sugar out of everyone in the Levant. Light that Hanukkiah, sharpen that sword, and get ready for the most action-packed piece of Bible, ever. Plus, our suggestions for adding Judith and Matzoh-rella sticks to your holiday celebrations!

Good news, friends and neighbors: It's Christmas now! Put your shoes out and brew a pot of coffee because we're going through the lives of the most popular saint ever, Jolly Old St. Nicholas, aka Santa Claus. Oh, and also St. Lucy, whose life unfortunately had a not insignificant amount of eye-gouging. Plus: Find out which of us is the Paul of Santa and our unsurprising pick for the Worst Christmas Character!

So uh, if this episode gets a little weird, it's probably because the hosts, two comic book writers, found out that Stan Lee died about halfway through it. But tragedies great and small won't stop us from learning about love, and also some extremely misogynistic rules about who gets to talk in church as Paul dashes off yet another letter! That's right, y'all, it's time for Rinthies, so let's get patient and kind up in this piece! Plus: do Paul's RTs = endorsements?

Get ready for HAINTS AND SAINTS, Theophiloi! It's Halloween and things are getting wild spooky up in here as we diver into the testament of Solomon, a very wise man who likes two things: glorifying God and forcing demons to do menial labor. Meet several costume options that you certainly won't have to spend all night explaining, including Ornias, Onoskelis, the 36 Elements of the Cosmic Ruler of the Darkness, our old pal Asmodeus, and Pteradrakun, who... well, you see the title of the episode, right?

PIECES be with you, Theophil-OOZE, and get ready for the first installment of our two-part HELLoween SCAREtacular! This week, we're descending into HELL! And, uh, it's not actually that scary in the traditional sense, although the antisemitism of early Christian writings brings its own brand of horror. Either way, it's our long-awaited discussion of the Harrowing of Hell! Plus, an untold tale of Jesus's magic emotion-changing clothes!

Get ready, Theophiloi, because it's time for a tightly plotted heist story about our favorite Deuterocanonical heroine, Judith! We'll be heading into a slice of the Apocrypha with some sharp commentary that cuts right to the good stuff. Get to listening, chop chop! Plus: Some very good and suggestions for improving Hanukkah that you can implement in your own celebrations!

Watch out, Theophiloi -- we've got some high voltage coming your way as we dive into the apocryphal Acts of Paul and Thecla. For the first time, we have a real female protagonist who has agency... to the extreme. Join us for an astounding piece of Biblical fanfic, a discussion of why Thecla was left out of the canon (hint: thousands of years of entrenched misogyny), and get ready to be thirsty for virtue when you meet your new favorite semi-Biblical figure. Plus: a very good story about a very large lion.

This week we're doing something a little different, Theophiloi! Before we finally move on from Genesis, we've invited the Beloved Wolfman, our pal David Wolkin, to talk us through the Torah. He covers his upbringing and work in Jewish education, and the story of a flawed people struggling with a very confusing God. Plus: the potentially devastating academic consequences of eating at IHOP and answers to your listener questions.

It's finally time, Theophiloi, for us to finish our exhausting journey through the extremely bizarre Book of Genesis! This week, it's the life of Joseph and his Completely Ordinary Long-Sleeved Dream Robe! The Golden Age Daniel (aka the Lord of Dreams) closes out the book with a surprisingly cohesive narrative that teaches us the solution to all of life's problems: throw it in a hole. It's the final 13 of 50 verses of people making bad moves! Join us, won't you?