History That Doesn't Suck

“Arnold has betrayed us! Whom can we trust now?” This isn’t a story of betrayal; this is the story of betrayal. After half a decade of giving his all for the Patriot cause, Benedict Arnold becomes America’s Judas Iscariot. He betrays his brothers in arms for a commission in the British army and cold hard cash (even more than 30 pieces of silver). Meanwhile, Lord Cornwallis has Georgia and South Carolina well in hand. Now his sights are set on North Carolina and maybe even Virginia! Can anyone stop him? When all else fails … send the Quaker. Welcome to the South, Nathanael Greene.

“I reject your proposals … and shall defend myself to the last extremity.” This is the story of the Revolution's new hot spot: the South. Down here, British leaders hope to score some quick victories with the help of enslaved Americans and Loyalists. This new "Southern Strategy" enjoys a strong start. It will cause the greatest losses of the whole war for the Americans.  But other important events are happening all over the globe in 1779, too. The Continental dollar's inflation is getting out of hand. Spain is entering the war. Battles are being fought all over the globe. Massacres of all sorts are happening. But we'll keep the focus on the South ... and on that guy whose body gets flung against the steeple of a church.

“Stand fast, my boys, and receive your enemy!” This is the story of a miserable winter and the summer of 1778. It's full of conniving, vengeance, honor, and starvation. George's political enemies learn the hard way not to mess with him. We'll have two duels in this episode alone. Most of this goes down during a grim winter at Valley Forge, where one fourth of the Continental Army will die from exposure and starvation. But it's not all bad news in this deadly winter's camp; von Steuben's teaching the Americans how to fight like pros. They're going to need those new skills. It's getting real at the Battle of Monmouth.

“If old England is not by this lesson taught humility, then she is an obstinate old slut, bent upon her ruin.” This is the story of 1777. Playboy and playwright "Gentleman Johnny" is leading a Canadian-based invasion of upstate New York (seriously, why are those Canadians so militaristic?). It's a tale of egos. From Gentleman Johnny to the American side, a lot of dudes are looking out for "number one." The outcome of Gentleman Johnny's invasion helps Ben Franklin score a full-on military alliance avec la France. Meanwhile, George Washington throws down with General Howe in PA. George loses battles; Howe loses his dog. George is also about to throw down with haters in military leadership and Congress. He'll do so while facing the harsh cold at Valley Forge.

"These are the times that try men's souls." This is the story of the Battle of Trenton. George crosses another ice-filled river, this time on Christmas Day. Plenty will go wrong, but at the end of it... he's about to get off the naughty list.

“I wish there was a war.” This is the story of independence and crushed hope. Congress is finally declaring independence and it’s not a straight forward process. We’ll listen to different delegates argue passionately for and against it. Then we follow the war to New York where we’ll meet Alexander Hamilton and get the backstory of his rough childhood in the Caribbean and how he ended up in the Big Apple. After hanging out with Alex, we’ll hook up with George Washington who’s just come to New York, too. He’s going to have a harder go in NYC than he did in Boston. Much harder …

“Remember it is the fifth of March, and avenge the death of your brethren!” This is the story of the expiration of hope for reconciliation between the American colonies and the "Mother Country." Bunker Hill's a blood bath. Congress sends King George III their "Olive Branch Petition;" it's D.O.A. Things only devolve further as Thomas Paine rips the King a new one in his  #colonialviral pamphlet, Common Sense. Meanwhile, Captain Aaron Burr witnesses the death of General Montgomery in Quebec and Henry Knox moves cannons over 300 miles to General Washington in Cambridge. The Virginian digs his new toys.  Time to move on Boston. ​

“Fire, for God’s sake, fire!” ​ This is the story of the first battle of the American Revolution on April 19, 1775. We're in Lexington and Concord, Massachusetts. Between Lexington's Green, Concord's North Bridge, and Colonel Smith's troops returning to Boston, 49 Americans and 73 Redcoats die. The battle and ongoing friction will also cause the Second Continental Congress to create an army. But who can lead it? Welcome back to the story, George Washington.

"Lay down your arms, you damned rebels, or you are all dead men." This is the story of the First Continental Congress and the build up to the Battle of Lexington and Concord. Delegates from 12 of the 13 colonies air their grievances against Parliament, and it doesn't go well. Paul Revere goes for a ride. Rather than making it to Concord, he gets to listen to soldiers threaten to "blow his brains out." The next morning, shots are fired at Lexington. ​ War is here. British America will never be the same.

"We have only been making a little salt-water tea." This is the story of the Boston Tea Party. The East India Company and the needs of the global British Empire are intertwined, and Parliament wants the American colonies to help foot the bill by drinking the company's tea. The East India Company sends its tea to America on seven ships. Four head to Boston. Three will make it. To be clear: the ships make it. The tea won't.

"Damn you, fire, be the consequences what it will!" ​ This is the story of the Boston Massacre. In the aftermath of a second botched attempt to tax the Americans and stop them from smuggling, John Hancock's accused of smuggling and Boston gets occupied by a British army. Then, one cold night, things get out of hand, and five Bostonians are shot dead by the King's soldiers. The story has two sides. There's the Patriot version, where murderous soldiers terrorize, then fire into a crowd of 40 "lads" throwing snowballs. Then there's the Loyalist version, where 100 armed Bostonians assault the King's soldiers, forcing them to fire at the mob to save their own lives. Here, both are told in detail.

"Treason!" This is the story of Virginia's Patrick Henry. He is a dangerous combination: young, idealistic, and persuasive. Patrick has a silver tongue that's going to light up some serious American furry against the Stamp Act. ​ Boston's going to light up with these ideas, too ... but also ... with fire. Actual, real, fire.

"[He] washed his hands with the brains." This is the story of a 22 year-old George Washington as commander of a 400-man army fighting the French. We'll also hear about his childhood, the deaths, backcountry experience, and finagling, that bring George--who's untrained, inexperienced, too young, and completely Outgunned--to this moment. He fails. Miserably. But not without triggering a war between France and Britain that will change the American colonies' relationship to the British Crown forever.

I the Professor, in order to give you a more perfect podcast, establish my goals, insure you know who I am, provide for your common entertainment, promote a generally historical education, and do ordain and establish this little five-minute intro episode for History that Doesn't Suck.