The Single Mom Podcast - Single Parent Advice, Support & a Little Bit of Humor

One of the best books I have ever read is the 4 Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. It has brought me a great sense of clarity through my life and helped me get to a better place internally. I know that may be a bit woo-woo-ish for some, but I highly suggest that everyone read it. It has given me greater insights to myself and how I deal with the world around me. Especially in how I deal with others and how they deal with me. One of my favorite of the 4 Agreements is the second one ‘Don’t Take Anything Personally‘. This one was a bit hard for me to manage at first but once I did it helped me so much! The basic premise of this agreement is that no matter what someone says or does to you you can not take it personally. Whatever they are saying comes from a place within them and has nothing to do with you personally. They may not like something you do, or the way you dress, or the things you say… but that is because of them and not because of you. The way that others see you is not the way you see yourself. Their interpretation of you and how they see you is changed by their experiences, their biases, their beliefs and so they “see” you differently than you see yourself. As an example, think of someone who is an online bully. You know the ones I’m talking about. Those people who sit in front of their screens and hide behind their keyboards having nothing good to say about anyone. They find people and articles online and use that anonymous platform to spew their anger, hatred and self-loathing onto others. You would call them trolls. And any time these trolls appear online there are always those who say to them “You must be an unhappy person. You must be miserable or a loser to feel you need to attack others like this.” Those trolls are saying what they say because of something within them that makes them feel they need to lash out. Should the person who is being attacked take it personally? NO. It’s an anonymous person on a screen. It doesn’t mean that the words don’t hurt, I completely understand that. But should an internet trolls words make that person feel bad about who they are? Should they allow those words to make them feel that they need to change? Hell no! Reading this book and learning this concept of not taking things personally really helped me develop a better relationship with myself AND with my ex if you can believe that! Today’s podcast is about remembering not to take things personally and how I had to remember this lesson very recently. One of the best books I have ever read is the 4 Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. It has brought me a great sense of clarity through my life and helped me get to a better place internally. I know that may be a bit woo-woo-ish for some, but I highly suggest that everyone read it. It has given me greater insights to myself and how I deal with the world around me. Especially in how I deal with others and how they deal with me. One of my favorite of the 4 Agreements is the second one ‘Don’t Take Anything Personally‘. This one was a bit hard for me to manage at first but once I did it helped me so much! The basic premise of this agreement is that no matter what someone says or does to you you can not take it personally.

Day 1… At last it is here! The event that children anticipate all school year long… SUMMER VACATION!!!! I have to say that I absolutely love summer, it is by far my favorite season. After a Colorado winter (that lasted until late May this year) and a fairly dreary spring – all 2 weeks of it (it’s been a weird year weather-wise for us in Colorado)… I am soooo excited to see the sun and be warm finally. I love spending time outside, going to the pool, grilling burgers and brats while drinking the occasional margarita and doing all kinds of fun things with my kiddos. There are many pros AND cons though to being a work from home mom during the summer. THE PROS: * I am HOME with my kids – I am able to be here all day with them and take care of whatever they need or any issues that come up without the fear of needing to leave work early. Not to mention the amount of money it saves me on child care! * I have a flexible schedule – I am able to work the hours that I want to and take off the time that I want to. I am able to work for half the day and take the kids tot he zoo in the other half should the mood strike me. I can take the whole stinkin’ day off if I want to. * Have laptop will work – meaning that I can also take my work with me. If we decide to go to the park for a few hours I can always take my laptop and hotpot with me and get a few hours of work done under a tree while the kids play on the playground. I have even been known to take it with me to the pool (away from the splash zone of course). So the kids can get in fun time and I can finish up some work as needed. * I don’t feel like I am missing out on summer vacation with my kids… I remember when I worked in an office during the summer, by the time I got home from work after picking them up from day care I was so tired and worn out that I didn’t want to go anywhere or do anything. I felt like the only time I got to enjoy during the summer was on the weekends and I hated it. I hated being so tired that it felt like a chore to go out and play with the kids after work. * No rush hour in 90 degree weather!!! This is just my personal favorite – because I HATE rush hour with the white hot heat of a thousand suns. Take normal rush hour madness and add to that increased temperatures and it gets even worse. People get meaner, more short tempered on the roads and I just don’t like to be involved in any of that!   Now I don’t want you to think that working from home during the summer is all sunshine and rainbows… it’s not. There are many, many, MANY trying times working from home during this time of year…   THE CONS: * They think I am on Summer Break too – So my children know that I work from home obviously – but they don’t apparently understand that I do actually WORK while they are normally at school. So when they are on break they seem to think that all my time should be spent on them, with them, entertaining them, spending money on them – and so on and so forth… yeah, not so much. There are many times through the summer where I have to remind them that just because THEY are on break doesn’t mean that I am on break. * I am constantly a referee – having three kids home for the summer, two with special needs and one who thinks she is a teen even though she is only 8 – well let’s just say it creates a unique dynamic in our household. There are many times where they all get along and life is peaceful and serene. There are also times when all three want to tear each other limb from limb and are very vocal about it. These incidences tend to become more and more common the more time they spend together. The thing is that while I am working they have to entertain themselves and they don’t always do ...

Wait, WHAT? Yep you heard me; getting fired was the best thing ever. This one solitary event was a catalyst that changed my life forever. Changed it for the better! I know you are thinking getting fired can’t possibly be a good thing. You are out of your mind lady! Don’t get me wrong, it didn’t feel like it was the best thing at the time. In fact I cried for a full day when it happened. Then I picked myself up and realized that this had been some kind of a sign for me that I HAD to make some changes in my life. Call it divine intervention, call it fate or whatever you wish but I knew deep down that the universe was trying to tell me something. As a single mom of three kids I had spent over 7 years struggling, both emotionally and financially. I was on government assistance programs to help me pay for my food and child care even though I was also working a full time job. I was stuck in what I like to call the “child care gap trap”, working but still not making enough to afford child care. Even with the “help” I was receiving I was still barely making it. I spent those 7 years feeling like I would be struggling for ever and things would never get any better for me. I thought that there was no way I was ever going to be successful doing it on my own. Even worse than that, I felt like I wasn’t doing enough for my family and as a parent that is the worst feeling ever. I had been working as a waitress at the time because it gave me hours where I wouldn’t have to pay for child care because friends and family could watch the kids. But after being let go I decided that I needed to get back to a better paying job, one that was in the administrative field which I had excelled at for years. So I started looking at the papers to see what was out there and calling around to child care facilities to find out what their rates would be. Imagine my shock when I found out it would cost me almost $1300 a month to put them in child care – that’s more than my rent!!! Well I spent some more time freaking out about everything and then suddenly it hit me…. I needed to work from home. That was the only way I was going to be able to make this work. I couldn’t afford to put my kids in child care, and I wasn’t going to be able to qualify for child care assistance so really it was the only option that I had. Never mind that I had no CLUE how I was going to do it, I just knew that deep down I HAD to do it and figure out how to make it work. And it was the BEST decision I ever made! This podcast is all about how I decided to work from home, my decision to become a VA and how I got started down the path of self-employment. If you have been thinking of working from home and aren’t sure if it would be a good fit for you I encourage you to download the free report I created “Is Working At Home For Me? 7 Things to Consider Before Starting A Home Based Business”. Click here to get the free report.     Wait, WHAT? Yep you heard me; getting fired was the best thing ever. This one solitary event was a catalyst that changed my life forever. Changed it for the better! I know you are thinking getting fired can’t possibly be a good thing. You are out of your mind lady! Don’t get me wrong, it didn’t feel like it was the best thing at the time.

As a parent you know that you are going to experience times of joy, happiness, wonder, beauty, amazement and many other glorious things along the way as your child/children grow. All of those amazing things that our children do – learning to walk, talk, play, clap, laugh, sing – the list goes on and on… At some point though you will also go through the ugly side of parenting… trying like mad to remember how wonderful you thought it was when your little angel learned how to walk and how to pick up a crayon for the first time while watching that angel toddle over to your walls and start coloring on them. Remembering when you wanted nothing more than to hear them say their first words and now just wishing that they were mute again after listening to “Let it Go” for the millionth time today. And when you thought it was so adorable that your little one learned how to bang on pots with the spoon but now wanting to break that spoon in half over your knee while you desperately search for the Advil in your medicine cabinet.  We’ve all been there, and if you haven’t gotten there yet – just wait, it’s coming. Now personally I have moved past the toddler years with my kids and have now moved into the teen age boy years with my twins. Now I want you to stop for a moment and realize the severity of what I just said. TWIN TEENAGE BOYS… double the hormones, double the fun… but not really. It’s not fun. It is a daily dive into stress and frustration. And to top all of that off, both of my boys are special needs with traumatic brain injuries – which cause impulse control issues, anger management issues, delayed social skills, and executive function delays… which means that they are young men with the hormones of teenagers but with the developmental levels of 8 year olds. So you can imagine the fun times that we can occasionally have. Now don’t get me wrong, I love my boys with every fiber of my being, and I wouldn’t trade who they are for anything in the world – but to say that I have a pretty high stress level would be an understatement. As parents there is always going to be stress and worry – as single parents that stress and worry can double because we are doing it on our own. Some of us more so than others. Some will have the ex in their child’s life to help out whether it be financially or emotionally or just to take the kiddos off our hands so that we can have some down time. And if you do have a good relationship with your ex and they are helping with the kids then definitely be thankful because there are many of us who don’t have that support. I know that my ex is often times the cause of a lot of my stress. Dealing with him is like having another child in the house sometimes – some of you know what I mean and are totally nodding your heads with me right now. Stress will build up on you over time and cause you to break down, both physically and emotionally so it is very important to make sure that you are doing what you can to help manage your stress in a healthy way and de-stress as often as you can. I know that it can be hard to find ways to do this as a single parent because it seems like our worries and stress just never really go away – BUT it is so important to try and find a way. Because if you break down physically and/or emotionally then you are no good to your kids and you are not doing yourself any favors either. Today’s podcast is all about STRESS and how important it is to find ways,

  Ever have days when you feel just BLAH! You know those days where you feel like the whole world is on your shoulders and nothing seems to be going right for you? Those days when you feel like no matter what you do you will never be happy because your life is just not where you want it to be. Some days you just want to sit down and cry because things just never seem to get better? Yeah – me too. I have those days every so often, I think that every one does now and again. The problem is when you feel like that every day. All day. No matter what. That is a big problem and it is a really easy routine to fall into if you aren’t careful. I used to feel like this all the time. Every day felt like just another set of challenges ready to smack me down, kick me in the teeth and make me feel worse about myself. I felt like nothing I did was good enough. That I wasn’t doing enough for my family. I felt like a bad parent because I couldn’t afford the things I wanted to get for my kids. I felt like a loser because I couldn’t get a new house for our family. I felt terrible because I wasn’t making enough money and we didn’t have the life that I wanted so desperately to give to my children. I spent years feeling this way. In the end it took something so amazingly simple to get me out of this rut that afterwards I couldn’t believe how long I had allowed myself to suffer! I needed to change my mindset. I needed to DECIDE to be happy! One of the best things I ever read was this: I realized a while ago that I was basing my happiness on my circumstances. I was giving the power of my own happiness away to random people and things. For some reason I had decided that I would be happy if only …. If only I had the house we wanted… then I would be happy. If only so and so loved me back… then I would be happy. If only I had the job of my dreams… then I would be happy. I spent so much time focusing on what I didn’t have and what I wasn’t doing that I ended up ignoring all that I DID have. Everything that I HAD accomplished in life. I was giving away my happiness and allowing ‘things’ to hold it for ransom and it needed to stop. Happiness is a state of mind that you can create just as easily as you can allow someone to take it from you. And yes I said ‘allow’. People and circumstances can only make you unhappy if you let them. So why let them? Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that we should all be happy every moment of every day, we are human and we don’t work like that. However, what I am saying is that when you place your happiness, your value to yourself as a person, in the hands of something or someone else you will always struggle to be happy. You will always feel like you aren’t enough and that just isn’t true dammit. You are enough and you are doing enough. Some of the happiest people in the world have very little. They don’t base their happiness on how much they have, or where they live, or what they drive – they base it on the experiences they have, the people they love, the joy that they bring to others and more… And some of the wealthiest and successful people have everything but are miserable. Having a good mindset and doing what you need to in order to maintain that mindset are so crucial to your happiness. I know that everyone has bad days, and times when they feel just terrible or are unhappy or sad, and that is normal – again we are human. What is important is that those feelings do not start to take over and become the norm.

  I was at my daughter’s 8th birthday party the other day and the other moms and I started lamenting on how things have changed since we were kids. Yes we caught ourselves doing the whole “When I was a kid…” thing that we SWORE we would never do. (If you haven’t caught yourself doing that yet as a parent, just wait – it’s coming!) Anyway, we were talking about how things had changed since we were kids – how we used to play outside more, how we rarely watched tv because there wasn’t as much on back then, we didn’t have internet and there was no such thing as social media. Which brought up an interesting topic. How old should a child be before having a social media account? Do they even NEED one? My daughter just turned 8 and my boys will be 15 this year and none of them have a social media account of any kind. They also do not have cell phones. I have had several people ask me if I worry about stunting them socially, to which I very quickly reply – no. See, what I worry about is my children being influenced by the idiocy that seems more and more previlant in today’s society. I recently saw images on my own Facebook page of young ladies who did physical damage to their faces by trying to plump up their lips. Have you seen this?!?! The Kylie Jenner challenge? Girls (and some guys too) sucking on a jar or glass until their lips are swollen, basically trying to get the plump lip look that this woman has. It’s asinine! And it is causing damage to people’s faces. Seriously?!?! Who decided this was a good idea? You can see an article done about this here. This is one of my big issues with allowing my children access to social media. It’s like when we were little and we all had that ONE friend who always came up with the dumb ideas that got us into trouble with our parents (by the way, if you didn’t have that friend, then you probably WERE that friend). But now there is an internet FULL of them, all suggesting idiotic and dangerous ideas to our children. Remember not too long ago there was a challenge where people were lighting themselves on FIRE! ON FIRE!!!! Seriously, what the hell is wrong with people? And yet there it was on all our pages, bright as day and twice as stupid! And people were doing it! Now I am sure that they were told just like the rest of us not to play with fire because it’s dangerous. But for whatever reason, because they saw it on social media – all of the sudden it became a good idea. (PS. all of the links here as examples of these idiotic stunts are here to show that these things are STUPID. Do not do these things! We will not be held responsible if you choose to not listen to us telling you that they are stupid!) So no, I do not worry about my children being socially stunted. I worry about them being exposed to morons, idiots and all around dumb ass people doing dumb ass things. People bullying them or making them feel bad about who they are simply because they can. I worry about my children gauging their level of self esteem on what others post about them online, or worse basing it off of some unrealistic image or persona that they see...

  WARNING! THIS PODCAST IS ABOUT A SERIOUS TOPIC AND MAY BE HARD TO LISTEN TO. Last week I received some horrible news. News that I hoped that I would never hear. A young girl, someone I had seen grow up and had been very close to, passed away. She died at the age of 21, not quite making it to her 22nd birthday. I met this young lady when she was just a little older than my daughter is now. Her mother and I had been the best of friends for many years. We went on camping trips together, had cook outs, went to the pool, played games, watched movies… we were over at their house almost every weekend just hanging out. Our kids played together. We were like family. Until my best friend in the world, started using drugs. From then on the woman whom I loved like a sister was lost to me. We no longer hung out, we no longer did things together – once I found out about her addiction I had to remove myself from her life to protect my family. I couldn’t have an addict around my kids. But her kids were still there. I couldn’t take them with me even though I desperately wanted to. This young lady and her younger brothers went through hell after we were gone. A hell that I never really knew about until recently. They all ended up being removed from my one time friend’s care. She lost everything to her addiction – her cars, her home, her marriage, her kids and ultimately her freedom. She is now incarcerated for crimes against her children that occurred while she was high (at least I have to believe that would be the only reason she would have done what she did).   As I write this post I still feel a huge sense of loss for the woman I used to know. The woman whom I considered a sister and whom I now hold a great deal of anger toward. Finding out what happened to her children, seeing the damage that she caused – I can’t even describe how it feels to be honest. And now, after having to attend the memorial service for her daughter, the young lady I watched grow up, knowing that this bright, amazing young woman became an addict herself and died from an overdose…I find that I am even more disgusted with her mother knowing that her indifference and abuse led her daughter down this path. After I returned home from her funeral I found myself wanting more than ever to make sure that my kids know every day how much they are loved. I mean I tell them every day that I love them but it is more important to me now to also make sure that they feel loved AND secure. That no matter what they know that I am in their corner. Because when it all comes down to it what this young lady wanted more than anything was for someone to love her. And the one person who was supposed to love her unconditionally no matter what, loved a crack pipe more. Yes I know that sounds harsh, but it is the reality that this young lady and her brothers faced. And it scarred them. Today’s podcast is not a happy one. It is not funny or sweet, but it is something that I feel is so very important. Making sure that our children know, TRULY know, how much they are loved is important. Whether they are getting straight A’s in school or are grounded for breaking curfew… they need to always know. Because I have seen what can happen when they don’t… And if you or someone you know is struggling with addiction please please find the help that you or they need. It is an awful disease that kills people, breaks up families, destroys lives… and most importantly causes major trauma for the children in...

As a single mother I believe that there are many different things that contribute to feeling overwhelmed. It's not just the fact that we are single parents, there are often more contributing factors than that. The first one being that we feel like we have to be all and do all... that there is no one else to do it so we have to be the one to make it all happen. It's up to us to keep 8 million balls up in the air at all times. And we can't ever drop any. Ever. That's a lot of pressure to put ourselves under. The next thing that adds to the state of overwhelm is expectations. Having expectations that are not realistic can lead to a feeling of overwhelm because you aren't meeting them. Trying to live up to some idealistic idea of what a mother should be doing or how your house should look or the things you should have accomplished is going to always make you feel like you aren't doing enough. That you aren't enough. And it will often cause you to try and do more and more than you are able to at this moment. Some days I can do a million different things and be completely successful at them all. Some days the only success I have had is getting the laundry out of the wash and into the dryer before it starts to smell. I realized long ago that I would never be June Cleaver - and I'm totally ok with that. There are many other factors that contribute to that feeling of overwhelm and in today's podcast I discuss how we can create those feelings by setting unhealthy or unrealistic expectations on ourselves. By not accepting help when available or offered... and more.

There is a lovely woman who's blog posts I follow because she is on the same mission as I am to help and empower other single moms in the world. I have chatted with her online a few times and really think she is fantastic. I enjoy reading her articles and the things that she puts out because they align so much with my thoughts and mission for single moms. However, recently she posted an article on her blog that I fully disagreed with and to be honest got my back up a little bit. Originally when I saw her post "I Love Being a Single Mom" - I thought to myself oh great I can't wait to hear why she loves being a single mom, because I know I do... the article was not what I thought it would be at all! She starts off the article saying she hates it when people say that they love being a single mom because they are in denial. DENIAL!?! I am in denial stating that I am happy being a single mom and that I love it? Um... I don't think so. Basically she states in her article that if we were truly honest with ourselves we would admit that we want to have a relationship with someone, that we aren't really happy with our lives or we can't possibly love our lives as a single mom because we don't have a man. Excuse me your honor but I object! Today's bonus podcast discusses why I actually DO LOVE LOVE LOVE being a single mom and my differing opinion on this article. You can find the article written by Jessica Rector on The Single Mom Movement.com. Once again, I do love most of what she puts out and think she is a fantastic woman but on this particular topic, we definitely do not see eye to eye. (Doesn't mean she's not awesome though.)

Ok let's be honest ladies, baby mama drama - are you guilty of it? Have there been times when you made more of an issue than needed? I know that I have been guilty of it many times! After many years of working on myself and how I deal with my ex I found a few things that I believe were at the root of my personal baby mama drama.... 1. I was still hurt/angry - causing me to want to lash out 2. Ego - the belief that I knew more than him, was a better parent than him 3. Other people's input - allowing others to cause drama in our relationship as parents In today's podcast I dive into how these things increased the drama that I was bringing into our co-parenting relationship.... Have you ever caused drama? Have you been guilty of it? Have you been able to realize when you were causing more drama than needed and were able to adjust? Like it or not, if your ex is involved with your child's life then you will always need to have a relationship of some kind with them - wouldn't it be nice if it was at the very least civil? And let's face it, we already have enough drama in our lives to bring any more into it.

Learning how to deal with toxic people, or simply cutting them out of my life completely, has been one of the best ways that I have improved my life as a single mom. We all have those people in our lives that just suck the life right out of us! Whether it is our ex, our mother, or friends and co-workers... there is always those few people who are just draining to be around. Or worse the ones that push our buttons on a regular basis in order to bring us into their misery. Today's podcast discusses several ways that were identified in this article on Entrepreneur.com - '12 Ways Successful People Handle Toxic People' written by Travis Bradberry. I happened to stumble across this article today on my Facebook feed and I simply LOVE it. I decided to go into a bit more depth on how I believe his points relate to me as a single mom and the people in my life. I had to learn in order to be successful I needed to distance myself from those who were toxic AND how to not turn into one of those people myself!

Do you always feel like you are gearing up for battle any time you face the possibility of dealing with your ex? Do you always argue? Is it a constant power struggle with him? If so you may need to take a look at the way that YOU treat your ex. Sometimes we need to analyze the way that we treat others and how that in turn causes them to treat us. How can we build a good co-parenting relationship with our ex when we are always arguing? Well sometimes we have to take the high road and change the way we react, talk to and relate to our ex's in order to develop those relationships. Today's podcast dives into why this is so important and how to figure out what we can do to start treating our ex's as equals...yes I said equals, even if it kills us! It took me quite a while to realize when I was overstepping as a parent and treating him like he was less of a person/parent because he wasn't living up to my standards and how that was causing more problems than there needed to be. It also wasn't fair to our daughter.... Today's Single Mom Success podcast talks about how changing the way that I treated my ex helped us form a better, more civil, co-parenting relationship.

Ever have a day that starts out bad and just gets worse from there? Ever wish that there was a reset button? Well THERE IS! It may not be a real button but being able to hit the reset button in my house is something that has helped my family stop being so angry and frustrated all the time. Now we are able to work through the things that have upset up and then reset out day from there. Being able to reset your day is crucial to your success! Let's face it, no one wants to be angry all day, or frustrated all day... we all want to be happy. We strive for calm and peace in our lives and that has to start from within. You can't run around screaming "WE'RE GONNA BE HAPPY DAMMIT!!!" and expect people to actually be happy. Today's Single Mom Success podcast talks about why we use the 'reset' button and how it has helped our family.

"When we are no longer able to change a situation - we are challenged to change ourselves." - Viktor E. Frankl This weeks podcasts focuses on one of the keys to creating your own success. Change. It's often a very hard thing to do but one of the things that I have found in the last few years is that being able to change the way I deal with things, the way I view things and the way I handle things has brought about a large amount of my success. Being able to realize that we may not be able to control the things that happen to us or around us but we can control how we deal with them. And if we allow the world to dictate how we feel and react then we will never be able to change our lives for the better. Changing is important in order to move forward in life.

Valentine's Day seems to be quite an ordeal for many single moms. I see many posts in my Facebook and Twitter feeds and even hear it from my friends. They hate Valentine's Day because they are alone. I have never had that problem. I love being single and so when Valentine's Day rolls around I'm ok with being alone. I think that so many of us tend to hang our happines on whether or not we have a significant other. Why? Why should one day make you feel bad? Maybe I am crazy but I don't feel that way. In this episode I talk about how I feel about Valentine's Day and how society has turned what would normally be just a regular old day into a day where many women feel like crap. Simply because they are single.