B-Sides For X-Mas

Part advent calendar, part dumping ground for all the weird and wonderful Christmas music I have accumulated. 100% Celine Dion-free, and that is a promise.

C-3PO, R2-D2, and Friends, 1980 — Good tune or not, you’ve gotta admit it’s a tough question to answer.

Part advent calendar, part dumping ground for all the weird and wonderful Christmas music I have accumulated. 100% Celine Dion-free, and that is a promise.

Evie Tornquist, 1977 — Christmas is all about traditions. For me, as a kid, the Christmas season hadn’t begun until we’d picked up my prodigal sister from the airport, set up the tree, brought out the anglocentric nativity scene, and put on the Evie record. Come to think of it, that’s probably where my love for mind-bendingly awful Christmas music came from. Here’s where it all started.

Part advent calendar, part dumping ground for all the weird and wonderful Christmas music I have accumulated. 100% Celine Dion-free, and that is a promise.

Robert Goulet, 1969 — That’s not just a warm sentiment, either. You’d better hurry your jingle-bell-jinglin’ ass home or, well, the reindeer won’t come back, or something. No ho-ho. Woah-woah. Until you get here mistletoe will miss a kiss that won’t be kissing. Wait, what?

Part advent calendar, part dumping ground for all the weird and wonderful Christmas music I have accumulated. 100% Celine Dion-free, and that is a promise.

Cindy Brady, 1970 — Quite possibly the all-time worst interpretation of this particular holiday classic, which is an accomplishment, because it’s not an especially difficult piece of music. There’s something charming about how consistently behind the beat she is, but then again I did just drink a half-liter of eggnog, so my judgement may be impaired.

Part advent calendar, part dumping ground for all the weird and wonderful Christmas music I have accumulated. 100% Celine Dion-free, and that is a promise.

Christmas Accordion, ???? — I have next to nothing on this one, but who doesn’t love Christmas carols played on an accordion?

Part advent calendar, part dumping ground for all the weird and wonderful Christmas music I have accumulated. 100% Celine Dion-free, and that is a promise.

Crash Test Dummies, 1991 — I might have more to say about this song if I could get past the first 14 seconds. When played back on high-end speakers, Brad Roberts' voice is capable of the fabled brown note, causing people and pets alike to suddenly lose control of their bowels. Which, depending on the quality of your headphones/computer speakers, might render today’s song NSFW. You have been warned.

Part advent calendar, part dumping ground for all the weird and wonderful Christmas music I have accumulated. 100% Celine Dion-free, and that is a promise.

The Pointer Sisters, 1987 — And he’s bringing assless chaps for all the girls and boys.

Part advent calendar, part dumping ground for all the weird and wonderful Christmas music I have accumulated. 100% Celine Dion-free, and that is a promise.