166: Communicating Sexual Desires and Boundaries – Yael Rosenstock Gonzalez

Summary: Communicating desires and boundaries <br><br>In this episode, Yael Rosenstock Gonzalez talks all about how to understand and communicate your own desires and boundaries to your partner. Today’s topic of discussion lines up with the four pillars of Intimacy with Ease Method to help you have the best sex of your life! We hear talks of red flags, tips on how to work with your partner around these aspects, and most importantly, real life applications. <br><br>Is it One conversation? <br><br>Communicating desires and boundaries are put together in a conversation because when people are engaged in making sure everyone is having the best time possible, criminalised behavior is unlikely. While sharing her views, Yael points out the stigma around the conversation of consent and sexual assault. <br><br>Why is communication so important? <br><br>It’s important to understand our method of communication. Yael tells people to reflect on how they communicate their sexual or non-sexual needs. While communication could mostly be verbal, it’s important to recognize the meaning of the cues you give off and to make sure people in your life are aware of it. It avoids unclear messages and conflict. <br><br>Reasons why people struggle communicating about sex <br><br>Yael says there are several reason why someone struggles communicating about sex. It could be revealed when you ask yourself questions of who and why. Your anxiousness could be the result of a sex taboo, shame around your own pleasure, or the expectation of knowing what’s wrong in your sexual relationship without any proper communication with your partner. For some people with insecurity, Yael advices to make communication sexy by asking what you want and by validating your partner during sex. And for someone with shame around pleasure, you should question the series of incidents like getting caught that resulted in it. You become confident in communicating about sex by undoing these patterns. <br><br>Myths around sexual communication <br><br>Yael breaks down some of the myths around sexual communication. People overemphasize penetration during sex. People believe sex is enjoyable only with penetration and they neglect oral sex. For a lot of people arousal happens before the penetration and it’s important to be in tune with your own arousal to effectively communicate it with your partner. Yael also breaks down myths around sexual chemistry. People assume their partner would just know what they want because of the sexual chemistry they both have. While it could be true for some people, Yael says it’s mostly communication and putting in the work that’s important. Communicating your desires doesn’t mean there’s no chemistry. Yael also talks about instances where people mistake their lack of sexual chemistry or interest as being asexual when in reality, it could mean either that they are asexual or that they didn’t find the right partner or gender. It’s important to be aware of your own sexual desires to be able to communicate effectively. <br><br>Communication about boundaries before or during sex? <br><br>Yael advices people who experienced sexual violence or trauma to be aware of some of the things that act as triggers, keeping in mind that triggers may change. In those instances, it’s advisable to talk about your boundaries with your partner before sex to avoid activating these triggers. She also urges people to communicate their needs and tell them how their partner can help them create a safe space. You can also have a conversation before sex about things you want to try or things you might want to try and things that you don’t want to try. <br><br>How does respecting these boundaries look like? <br><br>When you have a trigger or feel uncomfortable doing something, your partner should be supportive in accepting you. They should be patient to wait and listen when you’re ready to talk about it and not put blame on you. This is how...