Summary: Supporting the Person Without Enabling Instructor: Dr. Dawn-Elise Snipes Executive Director: AllCEUs Counselor Continuing Education Podcast host: Counselor Toolbox and Happiness Isn’t Brain Surgery Objectives ~ Explore how a person becomes an enabler ~ Define enabling ~ Examine the consequences of enabling ~ Learn about the connection between enabling and co-dependency ~ Define characteristics of codependency and how they may develop from being in an enabling relationship ~ Examine practical strategies to provide support and encouragement to the loved one without enabling. What Makes an Enabler ~ A person that you love who is in trouble or experiencing pain ~ An addicted person ~ A person with mental health issue ~ A person with chronic pain ~ A child ~ A sense of responsibility for the problem (If I would have been more aware…, If I had…) ~ Denial that there is a problem requiring professional help (initially) ~ Once you have “helped” once it is hard to stop ~ Emotional manipulation to maintain the behavior What is Enabling ~ Enabling behavior: ~ Protects the person from the natural consequences of his behavior ~ Keeps secrets about the person’s behavior from others in order to keep peace ~ Makes excuses for the person’s behavior (with teachers, friends, legal authorities, employers, and other family members) ~ Bails the person out of trouble (pays debts, fixes tickets, hires lawyers, and provides jobs) ~ Blames others for the person's behaviors (friends, teachers, employers, family, and self) ~ Sees “the problem” as the result of something else (shyness, adolescence, loneliness, broken home, ADHD, or another illness) ~ Avoids the person in order to keep peace (out of sight, out of mind) ~ Gives help that is undeserved, unearned or unappreciated What is Enabling ~ Enabling behavior: ~ Attempts to control the other person by planning activities, choosing friends, and getting them jobs and doctor appointments ~ Makes threats that have no follow-through or consistency ~ “Care takes” the person by doing what she/he is expected to do for herself/himself ~ Ignoring the person’s negative or potentially dangerous behavior ~ Difficulty expressing emotions –especially if there are negative repercussions for doing so ~ Prioritizing the needs of the person with the addiction before their own ~ Acting out of fear – Since addiction can cause frightening events, the enabler will do whatever it takes to avoid such situations ~ Resenting the person with the addiction What Does Enabling Look Like ~ “He’s so irresponsible with money, he could never make it on his own. If I kicked him out, he would be homeless. What else can I do?” ~ “Every time I’ve tried to talk to her about her addiction, she’s gone on an even worse binge, and I’m afraid she will overdose.” ~ “I know I shouldn’t have paid for his lawyer after the third DUI, but if he went to jail, he would lose his job, and we rely on his income.” ~ “Every time she and her boyfriend fight, she crashes here. I let her because I know he can be violent, and I don’t want her to be hurt.” ~ “If I don’t get the emails, he will miss them and lose his scholarship.” ~ “It is my fault she is in pain, so I must do whatever she wants.” ~ “If I can’t change what he did, at least I can limit the damage.” ~ “Maybe he will wake up and come to his senses.” ~ “Maybe I just need to find the right treatment for him.” Consequences of Enabling ~ Enablers detest the behaviors of the enabled, but fear the consequences of those behaviors even more. ~ They are locked into a lose-lose position in the family. Setting boundaries feels like a punishment or abandonment of the person they love. ~ Enablers may struggle with the guilt they would feel if the person they’re enabling were hurt by the real consequences of their actions. ~ Enablers are also protecting themselves and/or children from those consequences ~ Enabling means that someone else will always fix, solve, or make the consequences go aw
