Simple on Purpose | Intentional Living and Parenting

As moms who want to have hobbies and do things they love we get bogged down with notions that we have to monetize our hobby, or that we have to be exceptional at it. We almost use these as measurements to determine if this hobby is 'worth it' in the time, energy, and money it could involve.  I want to pitch the Joy of Being Mediocre and how it can unhook the hustle from the hobby and allow enjoyment to come into the hobby rather than expectation.  Full episode transcript is available at the end of this post   Monetizing hobbies We are living in an age where we are constantly consuming images, captions, and videos of people creating amazing things.  We are also connecting the dots that it is their industry as well Modern career advice tells us to follow our passions and turn our hobbies in jobs.  But there a flip-side to this industrialization of our hobbies:  our hobbies don't NEED to be monetized, and (gasp) we don't even need to be that great at them.    How we have lost touch with our passions and our hobbies Over the years we see a trend of learning that The Best being the ones who get the praise and we need to fade back into the shadows.  Then we pour ourselves into our jobs where we find 'success'.  Then we turn to hobbies to find some satisfaction in our lives - and we set ourselves up for frustration because we just want to be GREAT at it, NOW.  When we are great at it, then we tell ourselves it is 'worth it'   What is 'worth the effort' when it comes to pursuing hobbies as a mom? This is especially tricky for moms. What is 'worth it' as a mom who wants to spend time, money, and energy on her hobbies.  We measure 'worth it' by how WONDERFUL we are at it and how likely it is we could monetize it.    Letting go of the pressure to hustle our hobbies Enjoyment is available of pretty much anything when we give ourselves the freedom 'hobby without the hustle'.  When we let go of that hustle, we welcome in relaxed enjoyment.  Being mediocre is the cost of getting skilled at something, so we might as well enjoy it   Being a mom who 'tries things' that she is not 'good' at My kids have witnessed me, over the years, being very mediocre at various pursuits. And, most importantly, not being mad about it or deciding to quit trying new things.    Reasons why someone might be out of touch with their hobbies/interests/passions: They want to be good at it They need a lot of instruction on how it has to look so they can check the boxes that they are ‘doing it right’ They don’t feel confident to try They don’t want to commit, out loud, cause then they might feel pressured to actually do it They aren’t sure if it will be ‘worth it’ - for whatever kind of outcome they are using to measure what make it ‘worth it’ And they have lost touch with what would be interesting to them, they stopped listening to themselves and the weird and wonderful way they are made to experience their life   Ways to get in touch with what is interesting to you: What did you love to do as a kid? What do you always say you want to try? (what supplies have you bought over the years and never used them?) What looks interesting this season? What are you pinning on pinterest?   A side note about secretly hoping you can monetize your hobby If you have the secret motive that 'maybe I could monetize this' I encourage you not to sit on the fence and actually decide if you want to go ALL IN and build it a busines...

Do you wish you made time for the things you enjoy? Maybe you aren't sure what hobbies you would like, or you think you aren't 'creative enough' to have hobbies.  I have encouragement for the mom who feels guilty that she doesn't enjoy her time, but also feels guilty when she isn't 'productive enough'  Siobhan Johnes from the Unlocked Creative is sharing her insights and tips to help moms make more time for the things they love to do.      For the woman who says 'I'm just not 'creative'' * What it means to be creative * Where creativity comes from    * How we are made to be creative and use our creativity in the world For the mom who says 'what do I even enjoy? how should I spend my 'creative time'?' * Following the breadcrumbs and trying new things * The hurdle to exploring the hobbies and routines that you will enjoy * Steps you can take to learn what you enjoy in life For the woman who feels like 'creativity' is frivolous or childish * Permission to enjoy something just because it is enjoyable * Planning in time to be creative, open, and messy * Having time to be creative in a way that doesn't need praise or validation  For the mom who feels like there is no time to do hobbies or be creative * How to open up to the ways you can bring it into your daily life * The thought 'there is not enough time' always shuts down our openness to finding how to make it work * The scarcity mindset keeping you from taking action   * Being open to how we determine the time, purpose, and the values we want to bring into our life * Steps to find more time for the things you want to make the time for  * time audit, looking for 'time sucks', finding the in-between times, delegating For the mom who wants ideas on hobbies * Start with what is around you - what you have available * Turning to your everyday surroundings for inspiration * See some ideas on this For the mom who feels guilty when she's not 'productive' * The inner critic that comes up when are playing rather than being productive * Acknowledging the societal influences on how we view the value of our activities * Looking for when we feel guilt, or lack of value when we aren't 'producing' * Listening to the times you feel guilt or shame or unworthiness when you spend time on a creative outlet * Modelling creativity and hobbies and doing things we enjoy for our kids * Putting guilt outside the door so creativity can come in * Feeling guilty for creativity AND feeling guilty you aren't spending your time in ways that you enjoy   To find Siobhan Jones head over to the Unlocked Creative Podcast, and find her on Instagram Find my episode on Siobhan's show where we talk about exhaustion, simplifying, prioritizing, and purpose in creativity.  

This is not the house I would have chosen to be my forever home, but over the years I have come to terms with us staying here - but how to reconcile with the dissatisfaction of this home not being exactly what I want.    Acknowledging our home dissatisfaction * Recognizing that deep desire to create a space that FEELS like home * Addressing the longing we have to change our homes * How we handle our dissatisfaction   Working with a partner to build a home together * Having different ideas on what a home should be * Looking for the ways we both want to create a great place  * Owning where we think the grass is greener   Are we entitled when it comes to having an upgraded/ideal home? * Addressing the concept of what is 'normal' for how our homes should look * Getting overwhelmed to just 'get there already' * Asking about what we want, why we want it  * Can we consider the costs of having this 'ideal' home *   Appreciating the home you have * The one question that helped me see the resent I was looking at my home with  * Looking at my space with appreciation over the days/weeks/months and the things that I have put on my list that I didn't expect * Old decks, small closets, dated kitchens, lack of storage cul-de-sacs   Why do we want to change our home? * We think when our home is 'ideal' then we can feel different * Seeing how you don't have to wait for the perfect home in order to feel that * Getting stuck in the either/or mentality   Stop waiting for the perfect home  * Your home should be a place that reflects YOU and is a space you love to be and nobody else will do this work for you  * Do the work of removing what you don't want in your home and letting the things you love shine and be used * Know what you LOVE and focus on those things more than the latest trends * Make a point to USE your space for the way you want your home to be used (gather, create, make, relax) * Creating spaces you use and enjoy   Loving your home and wishing it were different * This is not an either/or situation,  hold space for both of these   Products recommended here may include referral links to Amazon. If you click through and buy something I will be compensated at no cost to you.    Mentioned: Love The House Your Are In by Page Rein No Demo Reno on HGTV Table Topics Question cards to start dinner conversation  How to Hygge When You Are a Busy Mom (Episode 75) Join the Facebook Simple on Purpose Community Be the mom you are (blog post)     Simple Pleasure of the week: Warm blankets out of the dryer.    Full transcript   Hey friends it's Shawna, your nerdy girlfriend life coach from simple and purpose.ca Welcome to the simple on purpose podcast.

This is the LIVE recording from a Facebook Live held earlier today in the Simple on Purpose Community group I am answering FAQs and addressing the myths we might have about emotional intelligence and emotion coaching our kids.  I have been emotion coaching my kids for years now and I have noticed such a huge difference in my own relationship to my emotions and how I handle theirs and help them problem solve.  Here are some of the myths and FAQs on emotional intelligence that I am addressing: * Why do emotions even matter?!  * If I pay attention to their emotions, we can’t have fun anymore cause we’re busy working through upset emotions * If I give them empathy, they will think their misbehaviour is ok * I don’t have time for more ‘parenting tool’ in my life * When they have done something wrong, they should be punished - no need for all this emotion stuff * I was never raised to consider my emotions, and I turned out fine   If you want the tools, approach, and support to emotion coach yourself and your kids, then don’t miss the limited time workshop Emotions, on Purpose The doors close tomorrow (TUESDAY, June 1st) - so if you are interested, sitting on the fence, then I hope you sign up today.

Health class may of taught us about anatomy, maybe our moms taught us about how to manage a period (but if you are like me, you just figured it out on your own reading the pamphlets in confusion and piecing together crumbs from Seventeen magazine). And then we start going through life, having babies, experiencing postpartum, living momlife and we realize that this whole 'WOMAN' thing is more than just knowing what products to use and how to use them. We learn that there is a whole-body wisdom that we need to develop around what our bodies are going through and how to support our bodies.    This is episode is for the woman who is wondering what more she can do to support her whole body with hormone health.   Today I am talking with Dana Irvine from Wise Divine Women Dana is a Canadian teacher, Clinical Thermographer, and podcaster - supporting women with hormone health and wellness.  Looking at life four-fold: mindy, body, soul, nutrition Thermography is an infrared study of the body looking at the heat patterns in the body, to spot inflammation and congestion.  Find Dana on Instagram, on her Podcast and on her website   Some basics of hormone health for women The 101 on hormone health - what are they and how do they impact our health. The main ones are estrogen, progesterone, cortisol, serotonin, melatonin How your digestion is related to your mental health   Paying attention to our cycles and supporting our hormones How our cycle affects our mood and energy through the month. Eating to support your hormones throughout your cycle (seed cycling) The myths we believe that periods should be hard and suck and paying attention to our periods and addressing issues earlier in life Paying attention to your bowels and getting enough fibre in your diet can help with hormone health How food sensitivities can impact your body inflammation and your hormone health   Self-care and detoxing to support hormone health Dana’s course Touch Your Tatas, teaches lymphatic drainage Being comfortable with our femininity, embracing your cycle and your body Some ways to practice self-care (dry brushing) Setting up reminders in your calendar to do regular breast exams, and lymphatic drainage for breast health   Being out of tune with our bodies Challenging our view on taking care of our personal health Taking care of our bodies and mental health now to set us up for health in our older years Advice from the other side of motherhood that the time is NOW to take care of our health and self-care   Recapping the main points of detox It isn’t just about drinking weird tea, it is also physical and nutritional. Also paying attention to your mind (stinking thinking), energy, boundaries, foods, emotional health, emotional stress in the body   Being in stress mode How we digest food when we are in stress mode (more info on this in episode 113 on stress and thriving) If you are doing all the ‘right things’ and eat great foods, exercise, maintain your home but you are stressed then these things are not as effective   Products recommended here may include referral links to Amazon.

As we talked a lot about emotional intelligence, I want to move over to the physical side of emotional awareness. So often we just ignore our bodies and treat them as something that slows us down - but I've learned through experience, health problems, and researching the SCIENCE that listening to our bodies is vital. It helps us have a better awareness of ways we need to respond, more emotional freedom and it brings us out of living on the surface of our thoughts and into the experience of our lives.      Products recommended here may include referral links to Amazon. If you click through and buy something I will be compensated at no cost to you. What is your relationship to your body? Do you ignore it, do you mistreat it, do you appreciate it, do you have anger towards it? Many of us women experience a range of these sentiments over the decades.  I really realized how I resented my body when I learned I had an autoimmune disease called Graves Disease. You can read about that thyroid condition here, and you can read about my faith and healing journey here.    Ignoring our bodies is culturally acceptable We power through, we push ourselves, we ignore our bodies. It is culturally acceptable. But why? Is it fear of wallowing and worsening? Is it fear of admitting our weaknesses? Is it because we are moms and we don't need ONE MORE THING to fix?? We ignore our bodies through food, drink, keeping busy and then we hit a wall and think we aren't strong enough, or we are doing it all wrong.    Our bodies are WHERE we experience emotion Our bodies are where we FEEL our feelings. When we have a thought about something (often a subconscious and automatic judgment about if we are safe/in danger, good/bad, etc). When we have this thought our brain tells our bodies to release chemicals (peptides/hormones) to prompt us to respond accordingly.  So the emotions we feel from those chemicals flooding our bodies aren't actually to make life hard, but to indicate something is needed to address this situation.  Our bodies learn this thought-emotion response and then we call it a 'trigger'. It isn't just for BIG T trauma, our bodies remember how to respond from our past experiences.    We often ignore symptoms in our bodies up to the point they cause us problems If we don't address what our body is telling us - and we keep having the same thoughts and emotions on something - our body will keep telling us this. For instance, over the years I have noticed that stress makes me hold my breath and breathe shallowly. It makes me tense up my stomach and clench my teeth. But I learned this backward, from addressing the health outcomes of doing these things repeatedly over time.    What about the science of mind and body? I have read Heal Your Body by Louise Hay and it is a fascinating read as she connects ailments to emotional conflicts. I have started to view symptoms in a similar way because, as I have paid attention, I have seen connections to my own emotions and physical experience.  But I am interested most in the science. Some great books on this are the Molecules of Emotion by Dr. Candace Pert and

I have had some great questions on how to teach our kids emotional intelligence - and I will answer them in this episode. I will also run through the 5 steps I use (and learned from John Gottman) on how to walk our kids through their emotions and misbehaviours - also called emotion coaching.    This episode follows up on 119, about tolerating the emotions in ourselves and in our kids.  The 5 steps to teaching our kids emotional intelligence, as I have learned through the work of John Gottman (my summary of his book is right here)  1. Awareness It takes time and practice to observe how our kids might be feeling. Each of our kids will act a little differently depending on how they are feeling. Boredom looks different in each of our kids.  Emotional awareness is the foundation for understanding what is happening for us internally - because all of this will have an external result in our lives.    2. Emotions are a chance for connection This feels really tough at the moment when our kids are pouting or blaming or having an emotion that is tough for us as moms to tolerate.  I see these times as a situation where my kid has a GAP in their skills and they need to know I'm here to walk them through it.  It is important to consider that our kids are at different skills and needs depending on their age.  * How I use bedtime as the time of time day to connect with my kids on their emotions.    3. Label the emotions Awareness of a specific emotion is important because it helps us narrow down the thoughts and situations that are causing it. Even the moms I coach are a bit unaware of what emotion they could be feeling. This can be done with a 'check-in' in lots of fun and easy ways. This is a great habit to teach your kids in becoming more emotionally aware.  There is a science behind the process of labelling our emotions - affect labelling and 'name it to tame it'.   4. Empathy I think empathy can transform your parent-child relationship, episode 84 We think that empathy might coddle or kids or keep them wallowing in it - but it is the opposite. It helps them feel seen, helps them allow the emotion in order to move through it.  Empathy is not a form of reward or punishment and it does not excuse misbehaviour.  A very sweet TedTalk to have empathy in listening to our kids.    5. Set limits and problem solve This is often where we START to deal with the issue. But all the other 4 steps can make this job so much easier for our kids and for us as moms.  It means we address HOW the situation was handled, what happened from the feelings our kids had.  Remember: * You don't have to deal with it in the moment, come back to it when you are no longer in a stress response and when they are no longer in a stress response (

I want to run through the steps of teaching your kids emotional intelligence. And to lay the groundwork for that, let's take a minute to explore our relationship to uncomfortable emotions. We are conditioned to view certain emotions as acceptable and unacceptable - and this causes us to have a low tolerance for these emotions that show up in ourselves and in our kids.  Emotional intelligence is important for moms because it helps us to walk them through their own emotions from a more tolerant, accepting, and capable place   Emotional intelligence in our kids * We underrate their emotional capacity to observe and internalize the world around them * Sometimes we parent the surface level of 'keeping them happy' - aka the Hustle for Happiness, Episode 66 * Happy kids cannot be our parenting goal, it is short-sighted and defeating   Raising kids will emotional intelligence is important because it allows our kids to be: * more mindful of how their emotions are impacting them * less fearful of 'negative' emotions * better skilled in healthy coping habits to help them with their tough emotions * better skilled in developing healthy relationships   Emotional intelligence is a whole family experience  Emotional intelligence is good for the whole family, and it is never too late to get started We worry that if we allow our kids their emotions that they will act entitled and poorly. Remember, all emotions are acceptable but not all behaviors are acceptable   What emotions are 'acceptable'? * We are conditioned to view certain emotions as acceptable or unacceptable  * As moms, we have emotions we view as 'unacceptable' for us to feel. * But emotions have a purpose, all of them. They have a role to prompt us to take an action. * We often take unhealthy actions and reinforce our belief that this emotion is unhealthy.   Tolerating tough emotions in our kids As moms, we have a low tolerance for certain emotions in our kids. Here are some common ones that the moms I coach struggle to tolerate our kids feeling: * Ungratefulness, entitlement,  * Anger * Disagreement  * Overwhelm * Sadness, pouting * Scared * Shy, nervous * Boredom Watch out for the negative emotions we allow our kids to feel, even encourage, because we think they can be used as a form of consequence or punishment: shame, guilt, regret.  We are teaching our kids which emotions they should turn to in order to motivate their own behaviour changes, and it becomes our inner dialogue in our adult life.    Answering some of the questions that were sent to me: * Is EI similar to emotional resilience? If emotional resilience is a value of mine how can I incorporate that into everyday life in hopes to help my children to be emotionally resilient? * Can minimalism help our kids have better emotional intelligence?    Products recommended here may include referral links to Amazon. If you click through and buy something I will be compensated at no cost to you.  SIMPLE PLEASURE OF THE WEEK A meal planning pad  

There is an emotional experience of motherhood that can feel dark, angry, exhausting, hopeless. Some of us even experience postpartum depression or other hormonal imbalances that impact our emotional experience.  Is joy still available to us in these really tough times? Does joy mean I'm always happy? Does joy mean it comes easy? Can I find joy in things OUTSIDE of motherhood?     This is my conversation with Jenna about these topics. Jenna is a mom of two (with one on the way) and she hosts The Joy Filled Podcast. She started a podcast to give her a gathering place and build community as she shares her real-time story of walking in joy amongst her struggles with PPD after her firstborn.   Joy filled motherhood Topics we covered in this episode:   Postpartum depression in motherhood * looking back and recognizing postpartum depression in yourself * seeing when something is 'off' and 'not me'  * learning from PPD and deciding what you want to do differently  * doing the work of keeping your peace and joy   The damage of the cultural message that "motherhood is bliss" * struggling to connect with our new babies * this creates a stigma around the other end of the spectrum that motherhood is hard and we do get angry   Joy filled motherhood vs happy motherhood * feeling like joy is unavailable to us in motherhood * "joy isn't feeling happy, it isn't the absence of hard" * having hope and relying on God to find joy in motherhood * joyful vs joy-filled * not buying into the myth of being happy all the time, and that if you are happy you are doing it right   Getting rooted in joy amongst daily life of motherhood * not putting Jesus in a box of how it looks like to connect with him and rely on him * separating the feelings from the lies and getting recentered on what is true * having imperfect days * setting boundaries around our connection to our phones  * being present in parenting    Struggling with hormonal imbalances and depression  * navigating a diagnosis and handling of depression, as a Christian woman * using resources and a community to support the journey of treating depression * the power of speaking our experience and having someone point out the lies we are stuck in   Doing things that light us up and make us feel joyful * the big things and the small things we could be doing that feel like an outlet * listening to who God made us to be so we still do things we are passionate about and don't lose our identity to motherhood * we are all creative in our own ways, it isn't just about art * being passionate gives us a sense of purpose and energizes us * what MLM has taught us about the desire to put our hand to something in addition to motherhood * motherhood being an important calling, but not the only one in our life   Practical ways to set boundaries between motherhood and work (and other pursuits) * setting boundaries around social media  * getting family/friend support * what it means to be a 'present mom' * setting a routine of independent play and work time for parents * spending proactive time with our kids  * using our time wisely and efficiently when we have time allocated for work    WHERE TO FIND JENNA GRIFFITH The Joy Filled ...

What does it mean to be 'Emotionally Intelligent'? How can this help you in motherhood and your life? I'm sharing the basics of Emotional Intelligence (aka EQ) and giving you my take on where each Enneagram Type can develop and round out their EQ The basics of emotional intelligence In a nutshell, EQ is being aware of feelings and managing those feelings in yourself and in your relationships (socially). I'm looking at the info out there on this topic and summing it up into four major themes of what Emotional Intelligence includes: * Emotional Awareness * Emotional Self Control * Motivation * Social Skills   1. Emotional Awareness This is being aware of WHAT you are feeling, WHY you are feeling it, and HOW it affects you and your life.  This is foundational in coaching because it brings in a piece of the puzzle to the thought-feel-act cycle (as per the Cognitive Behavioural Therapy model).  We aren't often paying attention to the low-level emotions we feel through the day, but there is a lot of leverage and power we can gain from practicing emotional awareness of all our emotions.    2. Emotional Self Control This is how we cope with our emotions, what we do about them.  When we feel big emotions we can fight, flight or freeze. This might help us in the short term but they are not ideal ways to cope and move through the emotion.  It also keeps the stigma of this emotion being a negative experience and something we 'shouldn't' feel and don't really know how to tame.   3. Motivation This is the main theme in 'how we move forward'.   We are often looking for motivation (how to get more of it, how to harness it) from somewhere outside of us. We are looking for the 'thing' that will make us naturally motivated and therefore disciplined and crushing our goals.  We don't see that motivation is an inside job. Rather than wait to feel it, we need to learn HOW to generate it in ourselves.  Don't use shame as a shortcut to learning the skills of developing internal motivation.    4. Social Skills I am most focused on personal emotional intelligence, but there is a big emphasis on how we relate to others in the field of emotional intelligence.  Social skills include empathy, communication, conflict resolution, influence and good leadership.    Why does emotional intelligence matter?  Which also implies the question, why do emotions matter? EQ matters because our emotions matter because we DO what we FEEL like.  As the CBT model outlines, our feelings inform our actions. We act based on how we feel. And how we act is what gives us a correlated outcome in our life.  So if we want a different outcome, we need to take different actions. Emotional intelligence allows us to manage our emotions in a way that supports the actions we want to take.    The benefits of high emotional intelligence You can tolerate emotions in your kids/partner, you don’t need them to be happy for you to be happy You can grow in conflict resolution than stay in conflict avoidance You have healthy coping skills  You have healthier relationships, you can navigate your own emotions and others You can do the inner work of self- motivation and use EQ to move towards the things you want in life   Welcome to the No Shame Club

This is a bit different of an episode - it is a FUN episode! It is OUR episode - the one where I tell you what is happening behind the scenes and tell you what the reader/listener feedback survey revealed. What I heard from you: * Episodes that have helped you * Identity Clutter * Being a Mom Martyr * Who is listening * The topics you love to hear about  * Yes, we are friends IRL   Why you are here hanging out with me, the podcast, the Facebook Group, and the Simple Saturdays: * To remember to slow down * To remember it doesn't have to be perfect * To remember that small things matter * To remember to be purposeful   What you didn't know about Simple on Purpose: * The Homemaker on Purpose Workbook * The Life on Purpose Roadmap Course * The free coaching mini-sessions, the strategy sessions can be booked here and the coaching program info is here.    Answering some of your questions: * How to get work down and run a business? * Having a hard time completing the Life on Purpose Workbook *  Sharing thoughts on a great comment about letting go of some of your expectations built up around minimalism.    Connect with Shawna in the Facebook group, on Instagram, or in the Simple Saturdays email.      Products recommended here may include referral links to Amazon. If you click through and buy something I will be compensated at no cost to you.  SIMPLE PLEASURE OF THE WEEK Is this simple Shampoo Brush.  And here is the lovely Cara Brook I mentioned (well, I called her Cara Brooks, got the last name incorrect). I couldn't find her old makeup tutorials that taught me how to put on makeup - but I will share my Pinterest board with some of the tips and ideas I have liked for hair and makeup.   

I was a controlling mom. I turned on the NO switch and said no to my kids, to my husband, to myself. But this need to control everything came from one very specific belief I had about myself: that I was not a capable mom (or a capable person, for the most part) We all like the feeling of being in control, but it can lead us to act in ways we don't like and it cuts us off from developing the skills of feeling capable.  Because the more we fight for control, the more reduce the practice and sense of capability in ourselves.    A Self-Professed Controlling Mom In this episode, I shared how, two kids in, I was becoming very reliant on CONTROL. I found myself controlling all the people and all the situations because I really didn't feel capable as a mother.  I said no to my kids, to my husband, and to myself. And I had everything wound up so tight.  For me, the solution to move out of this was turning to my village to help me pull out of my comfort zone, get out of my house and DO stuff with my kids.  However, I still noticed that as I said YES more and did more, that I was still looking to control the what and the how and the little details.  I really had to unhook myself from the deep belief that "IF I HAVE CONTROL, things will go well and easy - and if I don't have control then I am doing it wrong"   Being proactive vs being controlling  Making plans and being prepared is so proactive and important.  In my home, we have lots of preparation and structure. We have meal plans (see the video in the Facebook group on meal planning tips), weekly rhythms, daily routines, daily plans etc.  We rely on these preparations and plans to make our life easier.  It is important to be proactive but watch for when it crosses over to being controlling - when we NEED things to go to plan for our sanity.  Building up capability We want to feel like we are in control because it makes us FEEL capable. But it doesn’t always actually make us more capable of HANDLING life. This can be the middle ground where plans and control support our lives and help us stay proactive - but we also start building up the skills of feeling and being capable of 'figuring it out'.    How we act when we are trying to control When we are in a constant need of control, we start to act in ways we don't really love to be. We are hovering, stressing, nagging, worrying. It becomes really unfun and we are develop a controlling persona    What we don't feel capable of handling Something we might not feel capable of handling daily things. Like, broken strollers, kid tantrums, making meals with missing ingredients, etc.  But for many of us, it goes deeper. We don't feel capable of handling the discomfort of things like a messy home, conflict with others, relying on others, other people's negative emotions.  Letting go of what we CANNOT control So much of this involves turning our attention and stance towards what IS in control. Which is always ourselves. 

What it means to be a mom on purpose - and it is not about having happy, obedient kids. It is actually about being a mom on purpose when our kids are NOT happy or obedient, or when life feels hard and we aren't feeling happy.  Dealing with Automatic Negative Thoughts Coming off a couple of weeks of feeling like I was hitting a wall and spiralling to all the things that are wrong in my life  Our brain is wired to find problems so we can keep ourselves safe and protect ourselves from 'problems' We are the ones that need to talk back to our brains and tell ourselves what is true   Mindfulness as a mother Mindfulness isn't always beautiful and lovely. We need to be mindful of the things that feel not so lovely in our lives. It is important to be mindful of the stories we tell ourselves because we act out, show up from those thoughts and how they make us feel When we show up from frustration, resent, victimhood and then our outcome is always disconnection and more helplessness and frustration.    Our two selves We have the self that we ARE (what we are doing) vs the self we want to be (our ideal self) Our work is to love us for where we ARE while moving towards our ideal with compassion and love.    Led by emotions or led by intention Often we let our emotions run the show - rather than being led by stress and frustration and anxiety, we need to be led by our personal values.  Knowing our personal values means we know WHO we want to be and what is important to our core - in this season of life.  It is also about bringing the work back to what we DO have total control of - ourselves.    Obedient Happy Kids We ask for obedience and happiness in our kids It makes it easier when our kids are happy and well-behaved, but is it what we should be fighting for? We want obedience, plus gratitude, plus happiness, plus agreeability, etc.  Consider how reasonable it is to expect all of these things from our kids, and see how we might not be good models of all we tell them we need to be.  Kids learn by seeing what we DO more than they will ever listen to what we SAY We need to be parents who DO the work on ourselves so they can learn by watching us tackle emotional intelligence, coping and contentment.    We want our family to be happy (all the time) What are we seeking when we want everyone to be happy all the time?  When people around us are happy, it is easy. It is comfortable (a Type 9 mode for sure) I have been the Manager of Happy, trying to make sure everyone was following the happy plan. It caused a lot of anxiety and strife in my life.  What is really happening is that we scramble for control when we don't feel capable. When we don't feel capable, we focus on CONTROL instead BUT we don't have control over all these peoples. We only have control over US   Being a mom on purpose means * we turn off the autopilot * we stop showing up from negative emotions (stress, frustration, low key anger) * we stop beating ourselves up for how we struggle (no more shame!) * we step into INTENTION, even when it is hard * we stop making hard things harder (and being a m...

There is a quote 'don't just survive in motherhood, thrive in it' When I first heard this quote I really hated it.  I was home with three kids under four and very aware of how I was NOT thriving and felt like I wasn't even surviving.  I resented this notion I had to be thriving.    What I thought thriving in motherhood had to look like * cute home, always clean * healthy home-cooked meals, everyone likes them  * well dressed, kids are happy, I'm training for a marathon * I also have a successful side hustle It felt very far away from where I was   Over the years I have learned that there are some very important hurdles to 'thriving in motherhood' I will be sharing the four reasons we aren't thriving in motherhood in the upcoming Mom on Purpose Bootcamp. If you want to do the work with me and set a great foundation for going from surviving to thriving then save your spot right here.  One big reason we aren't thriving in motherhood You cannot thrive when you feel like you are not surviving. That is to say, when you are in a stress response you cannot thrive and live mindfully and into your higher values This is a reason I really had to learn the science of and pay attention to its truth in my own life.    What causes us to stress? A stress response occurs when your brain when you 1. perceive a threat and 2. feel incapable of dealing with it.  You don't have to consciously and actively view something as a threat - as long as your brain subconsciously registers it, it will activate a stress response.    The reason why we experience overwhelm In this episode, I'm sharing a recent week I had in parenting that became very overwhelming. Overwhelm happens when we don't deal with the little things and they pile up to something that feels too big.  Often when we are doing this, we also start to see a lot of overwhelm in all the areas of our life. It spirals.    The stress response highjacks our intentional living Science tells us that when we are in a stress state we are flooded with stress hormones and using a different part of our brain (the amygdala) that makes decisions to deal with the stress at the moment. We are not using our more logical, long-term planning part of the brain (pre-frontal cortex).    We get stressed about being stressed A problem a lot of us face, especially moms is that we stigmatize stress. We think it means we are wrong and so we get stressed about experiencing stress.  It is important to pay attention to what we really perceive as a threat and what makes us feel incapable of dealing with the problem.    If you want to work on SURVIVING, so you can move towards THRIVING. Here are some steps you can take.  * Challenge what it looks like to 'THRIVE' in motherhood  * Pay attention to your relationship to stress right now * Sit and ask yourself these questions * What feels a threat to you, what triggers your stress? * What feels like your needs aren't being met? * What feels like you are capable? * What feels like your needs are being met?   If you want support on addressing the stress in your life, check out my

Today I a sharing a shift I have made in my parenting that has made such a big difference - when I teach it to my coaching clients they have an 'aha moment' too - because we might not see that we are often parenting the wrong issue.    (Books or products recommended here may include referral links to Amazon. If you click through and take action I will be compensated at no additional cost to you.) This is especially evident when we find ourselves in power struggles. We are taken out of the original problem and into all of the mental chatter and drama around the power struggle.  The power struggle of getting kids to sit down for the meal  In this episode, I'm explaining how I apply this to a real-life example that moms experience: wanting the kids to sit down at the table for dinner.  Focussing on just wanting our kids to LISTEN. We just want compliance - and we spend a lot of effort trying to just get them to listen to us - and now we have a power struggle This is turning the simple issues of parenting into bigger, harder issues    What happens when we are in a power struggle with our kids? When we have a power struggle over our kid's 'obedience' we sink into a story about how they don't listen to us and don't respect us.  This narrative can make us feel unconfident in parenting, it is exhausting and it makes the relationship feel hard and heavy.    Problem-solving the real issue Come back to the real issue we are dealing with. And start to problem solve from there.  I'm offering the questions I ask myself and my kids to handle this issue of getting up often during mealtime.  Related: Episode 84 How parenting with empathy can transform your relationship   The value of family mealtime I want to come back to the root of why this matters to me. Why do I want family mealtime? How much work am I willing to do to make it happen in the long term as we all grow the skills of getting better at it?   Making mealtime more engaging * Hard and Awesome - asking each kid what was hard today? what was awesome today? * Trivia questions - we make them up or have alexa ask some * Q+A a day book - from this great book we got from my SIL   Join in the Simple Saturdays email (biweekly newsletter) Learn more about the Mom on Purpose Bootcamp Message Shawna on Instagram   FULL TRANSCRIPT Hey friends, it's Shawna, your nerdy girlfriend and my coach from simple on purpose.ca Welcome to the simple on purpose podcast. This is the place where we talk about slowing down, and living life on purpose, living it with intention, instead of on autopilot, and autopilot used to be my speciality. So I know both very well - life on purpose and autopilot. Many of you who listen are moms and I love to hear where you're listening, some of you are listening while doing chores. Hey, Melissa, some of you are listening while driving to work. Hi Jisha some of you are listening went on a walk. Hi, Julia. And I just really love hearing from you real people who are listening.