Up Yours, Downstairs! A Downton Abbey Podcast

Kelly and Tom kick off their coverage of Parade’s End (aka “The Batch Witch Project”) in the usual fashion: critiquing Murray’s mustache! Though the jury is still out on what they think of the series after one episode, they amuse themselves by making up nicknames for Benedict Cumberbatch, declaring that Sylvia is Scarlett Johansson if Scarlett Johansson had a personality, blaming all bad sex decisions on France, identifying a stone-deaf fox, and discussing the pallor of self-abuse. Kelly thinks the creepy tree would have sent her screaming into the night, Tom reveals Batman’s true origin, and they both wax nostalgic for “your precious mother.” See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

Kelly and Tom welcome the much-vaunted Dowager Cousin Jackie to UYDS and the trio does not disappoint with this recap of Titanic: The Legend Goes On… The gang spends most of the episode completely baffled by the “film,” including (but not limited to) the bargain-basement animation, much ado about a locket, the fact that no one is fazed by the sight of a mouse wearing clothes, a rapping dog, a dog that looks like a bat, several other dogs, a character with boobs that make Jessica Rabbit look like a B-cup, Vanderplonks, a perpetually stoned leading man, and a small girl with dick lips.  Kelly counts to blorgs, Tom looks forward to Syfy’s OctoQuake, Jackie takes offense at the film’s treatment of fat people, and everyone hopes you’re drunk while you listen to this. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

In this recap of the excellent film adaptation of Maurice, Kelly and Tom learn how to pronounce “Maurice,” marvel at Hugh Grant’s trascendent good looks, figure out where to get their buttery waxed, fail to tell the difference between Thing 1 and Thing 2, spot a young Helena Bonham Carter, and are generally appreciative of Messers. Merchant and Ivory’s approach to male nudity (spoiler alert: they are in favor).  Kelly keeps trying to call Maurice “Paul,” Tom is glad he didn’t take Latin, and together, they figure out how Baron Julian came up with most of the plot of Downton Abbey Series 3. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

It’s the first-ever UY,DS! bonus episode! Kelly and Tom interview Titanic Historical Society member Cousin Chris on the many, MANY failings of Titanic: BS (historical and otherwise). Please enjoy his fascinating insights, our hilarious banter, and the reasonably passable audio quality! See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

Kelly and Tom run their coverage of Titanic: BS straight into an iceberg with this quick and dirty recap of the final five episodes. They talk about Simple Jack perhaps more than necessary, complain about Muir and Princess Steel, wish Michael McCann was in a better show, marvel at the resourcefulness of one “Kitty Burlington,” get mad at the elder Mr. Hatton, watch Sofia almost-but-not-quite cry, wonder what happened to Liam, rejoice at the return of Sad Andrea, and wish this was a show about German spycraft in the years leading up to World War One. Kelly does a pretty solid impression of Derek Jacobi, Tom rates the series “a fart minus,” and they definitely don’t take any dramatic pauses on the way up the Titanic gangplank. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

Kelly & Tom continue their arduous slog through Titanic BS with their recap of Episode 7.  They celebrate the return of Chris Noth’s mustache, puzzle over Neve Campbell’s otherworldly, hideously costumed press agent, start shipping Malandrews, wonder what happened to Sad Andrea, kill a German munitions supplier, encourage the Cousins to open a bar and grocery, talk a lot about rivets, and transmute some bread into steel. Kelly accidentally reads a telegram like a Dalek, Tom feverishly reads Wikipedia sites, and both of them wonder how standards and practices work for the Starz network. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

This week, Kelly & Tom skip ahead to Titanic BS Episode 6 on account of Episode 5 containing more BS than usual.  There, they anticipate being awarded the Nobel Peace Prize, figure out whether we are supposed to feel bad for Kitty Carlton, find a new favorite solicitor, hope that Violetta is hooking, mistake a German for an Irishman, wonder how many mini-Muirs Mark has left in his wake, and fall freckles-over-heels in love with a ginger.   All this, and Kelly wants to set a Whole Foods on fire, Tom defines thinking, and they have a great time playing Marry, F*ck, Kill with the fictional population of Belfast. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

In this recap of Titanic BS Episode 3, Kelly and Tom go on the hunt to locate Ewan McGregor, capture some escaped blue, explain Bastille Day to hipsters, reform the educational system, spot an attractive ginger, and give career counseling to Sad Andrea. Lord Pirrie’s hat is sincere, Sofia’s button is suspicious, Dad’s gin bottle is traditional, and Chris Noth’s mustache is still on the lam. Kelly invents a new catchphrase, Tom reveals his cinematic past, and everybody is drunk (it’s Julian Fellowes’ fault). See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

In this belated recap of Titanic BS E2 (now with a spaghetti co-host!), Kelly & Tom marvel at the Muirscope, demand more of JP Morgan’s mustache, rejoice at the return of Lady Skunkhead, balk at the beigeness of the Hatton family, gape at Kitty’s brazenness, wonder if Lord Pirrie and Mr. Andrews are related, and laugh and laugh at Simple Jack. Kelly attempts to make an offensive rhyme about Irish people, Tom advises our Cousin of the Week to sleep his way to the top, and nobody likes Andrea. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

This week, Kelly and Tom finally get around to recapping Titanic BS–no steel barons allowed! Amidst the color saturated splendor and completely inappropriate sexual tension of Edwardian Belfast, they marvel at Neve Campbell’s “acting,” the period-appropriate whores, the machinations of the Onion Organizer, Stephen Oven-Bake, and Chris Noth’s mustache’s fantastic performance as Jiggery Pokery Morgan. Kelly explains how the keel-laying ceremony keeps ship-sinking demons at bay, Tom wishes he was a press liaison in the 1900s, and everyone is thrilled to find out that Mr. Leclair has shown up in an unexpected place! See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

It’s time to close the doors on Series One of Mr. Selfridge–we think. It’s possible that Jeremy Piven has been running around, setting all the clocks five minutes ahead. Kelly and Tom get unbelievably angry at Mr. Grove, imagine Sherlock Without Sherlock, weigh the pros and cons of living like the Eskimo, worry that Rosalie has appendicitis, laugh at King Edward VII, introduce Crabvilius shipping, discuss how duchesses never fart, marvel at Ellen Love’s new gravity-defying hairdo, and wonder why the hell it’s so easy to make the audience at Tony’s play laugh. Kelly actually cries about the departure of several characters, Tom busts out his French accent again, and both of them can’t wait to see what tricks Eyeliner has up his makeup-stained sleeve for Series Two. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

Kelly & Tom go nuts for tea huts in their coverage of Mr. Selfridge Episodes 7 & 8. Their more quick-witted than usual observations extend to remembering that Drunky McGin exists, the plight of colorblind Edwardians, the return of Lady May’s hair bra, how Selfridge’s might have capitalized on the sinking of Titanic, Mr. LeClair’s snazzy new iPhonograph, an imagined MySpace rivalry between Baron Julian and Eyeliner, Rosalie Selfridge and the vexing strap, “Umberland” as a unit of measurement, and the many dangers of automated nutcrackers. In addition, Kelly thinks Doris and Bobcat Goldthwaite are the same person, Tom spots a pair of egregious anachronisms, and everyone laments the return of Roddy “The Rodent” Temple. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

In this recap of Mr.Selfridge episodes 5 & 6, Kelly and Tom crash headlong into a heap of scandal! They go to the papers with tales of gin-soaked bums, Jeremy Piven’s excellent yelling skills, a (nearly) fool-proof method of telling the Selfridge children apart, Lady May’s gigolo-naming system, which ‘ships are okay to support, the worst flashback sequence of all time, and the excellent performances of Ellen Love, Rose Selfridge, and Josie Mardle. Kelly plans to write Jordan Baker fan fiction, Tom spots a really egregious anachronism, and everyone blames Mrs. Crabbe for everything while they join the No Gordons Allowed Club. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

Kelly and Tom return at long last with a recap of Mr. Selfridge episodes 3 & 4 sure to delight and amaze even the most curmudgeonly Cousins! They cover the awfulness of Viking River Cruises and the PBS video player, the over/under on whether Lady May and Ellen Love are actually vampires, Fake Gyllenhaal’s dilettantism, Nude Day at Selfridge’s, dick-flavored chicken, getting married in pubs, Bohemian scammers, and why Piven doesn’t ever just yell “BLENKINSOP!” All this, plus Kelly cuts several lines of cocaine history, Tom almost eats a photograph, and it is decided that every woman should have a Leclair moment. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

Kelly and Tom set out to change the way the internet experiences Mr. Selfridge. Their discussion of the two-hour Masterpiece Classic premiere involves a LOT of made-up names, LinneyWatch 2013, the smile that dropped a thousand panties, the Ginger Gregson, a Torchwood alien, and the niceness of people being nice to one another. All this, plus Kelly is the Regina George of slumber parties, Tom is declared an honorary woman, and the Cousins grace us with a plethora of lengthy, informative Telegrams. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.