Up Yours, Downstairs! A Downton Abbey Podcast

Kelly and Tom wrap up their wrap-up discussion of Downton Abbey, Series 3. They ponder how to solve a problem like Molesley, the ever changing cast of babies, Isis-shaped lamps, the merits of sharing a diaper with a monkey, Ireland’s lack of cinematic quality, the real Dante’s Inferno, Mary’s similarity to the Queen Mother, the new musical sensation Thoroughly Dismayed Lord Grantham, the downstairs love pentagram, and Murray-related activities. Kelly reveals her latent telekinesis, Tom disparages the works of M. Night Shayamalan, and they both resume bashing Sadie and the Hotheads. Don’t forget, March 19 is your last chance to enter to win a Kindle Fire from BaldMove.com! See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

This week, to the surprise of everyone, including themselves, Kelly and Tom kick off the first of a two-part (possibly three-part) Downton Abbey Series Three recap discussion! They cover alternative ways to write Matthew Crawley out of the show, the failings of the TARDIS when parsing trans-Atlantic slang, whether or not twigs are allowed in British prisons, heroin-addled costume designers, the heir to Sunny Marlborough’s lifetime of bad decisions, how to play Snapdragon, and the gayest name ever. Kelly tries not to fall victim to a poison pie, Tom gets misty about Mrs. Hughes, and they both plead with Baron Julian to let them write punchup on Series Four. Don’t forget, you can win a free Kindle Fire from UYDS’s parent network, BaldMove.com! Be sure to enter by March 19th! See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

In their final super-sized Downton Abbey recap for this season, Kelly and Tom finally catch up with the rest of the world as the events of “Journey to the Highlands” unfold.  They chat about Lady Mary’s magically disappearing baby bump, the Crawley House motto, Branson’s Home Alone experience, Rose’s side-boob, haggis hats, O’Brien’s utterly terrifying Scottish counterpart, the long-awaited appearance of Shrimpie, the inexplicable demon/assassin/alien maid Edna, ghillies and their speak, Helen Mirren joining the DA cast, what Jimmy Kent gets up to on his days off, a Nield & the Gang spinoff and of course, SYBBIE!   Kelly reveals her childhood connection to carnies, Tom reaffirms his undying devotion to Lady Mary, and both of them come up with a great Downton-inspired name for their first child. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

Take a tour of the revolting world of a double-wide episode of UYDS!  In this episode, Kelly and Tom recap Downton Abbey S3:E7 and S3:E8 in an attempt to reconcile themselves with PBS’ dumb programming schedule. Not only do they cover two totally riveting episodes, but Kelly attempts to sing the score of Norman & Simon’s The Secret Garden, Tom casts aspersions on the fair city of Elko, NV, and everyone sheds a little tear for Thomas.  They also discuss Sybbie’s giant melon head, McG’s hypnotic droopy eye, sympathy for the devil, limp ninjas, a lot of love for Madge, Alice, and the hallboys, Mary’s (alleged) baby thievery, Edith’s total domination of fashion this series, the worst poem in the world, brunch etiquette, Ethel’s shopping list, and all the cricket you can shake a century at, or whatever it is people shake at things. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

This recap of Downton Abbey S3:E6 is brought to you courtesy of podcast network BaldMove.com, the new home of UYDS! Kelly and Tom discuss crackpot theories, ways to make the podcast profitable, and the joy of wordplay. They also criticize Mrs. Bartlett’s wallpaper, Isobel’s face, and Bates’s very existence. They also seek out a mirror for O’Brien, a musical role for Jimmy Kent, a magical spell for Baron Fellowes, and a surprising possible identity for Thomas’s erotic pen pal. In addition, Tom delves deep into pagan folderol, Kelly runs down the elusive foxtrot, and more from everybody’s best friend, Wikipedia! See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

Kelly and Tom sob their way through this emotional recap of Downton Abbey S3:E5, possibly one of the best episodes of the show to date.  The tearful twosome observe Daisy’s rapid transformation into Mrs. Patmore, Junior; welcome converts to the Church of Shank Bates; roll their eyes at the wacky exploits of Ethel in the kitchen; reveal who, in fact, is the walrus; marvel anew at the sheer awesomeness of Dame Maggie Smith, and wish that Thomas would find his own clock to wind.  Kelly demands a pie TARDIS, Tom finds a ridiculous description of medicinal history, and both of them make an unacceptable number of references to Macbeth. Also, once again, HERE BE CRYNG, so keep a hankie handy. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

Kelly and Tom recap the dumbest thing ever, AKA Downton Abbey S3:E4.  On the plus side, this episode features Thomas’s erotic pen pal, toffee noses, the comedy stylings of the Dowager Countess, a newfangled electric toaster, Ethel’s plotline finally paying some dividends and the really, really, ridiculously good-looking Jimmy Kent. Unfortunately, it also includes far too much Murder Prison, Branson being a completely out-of-character moron, the comedy stylings of the Dowager Countess (yes, again), everything interesting happening offscreen, wretched editing, and a bizarre scene that might be about alien babies.  Kelly tries to figure out the origins of Isobel’s Whore Institute, Tom tells tales of badass ladies who were also Irish rebels, and they both plea for more Linney! See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

Kelly and Tom celebrate the Year of the Twat in their recap of Downton Abbey S3:E3. They discuss O’Brien’s pickled bangs, Isobel’s Whore Institute, the adventures of Anna Bates, PI, the reason it’s hard to call Branson ‘Tom,’ McG’s unexpected ascendance to the show’s official voice of reason, the ins and outs of European car rental in 1920, and why the chronically understaffed Downton Abbey has such a generous PTO policy. Plus, Kelly won’t shut up about Ever After, Tom explains the origins of the treadmill, and everyone feels just awful for Edith. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

Kelly and Tom are bringing strumpet back in this recap of Downton Abbey S3E2. Daisy reveals herself as the Cassandra of Downton, Matthew and Mary keep having sex in lieu of an honest conversation about finance, our favorite replacement ginger reappears, Reed’s magical origins are uncovered, and MacL shares a sexually charged moment with the Dowager Countess. Kelly wonders if there was ever really a time when she didn’t hate Matthew, Tom hopes Anna’s garter is for her second husband, and they alter their pronunciation of “McL” so the Cousins won’t think they are talking about Passions. All this, plus “Flight of the Molesley!” See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

Welcome back to Yorkshire, Cousins!  At long last, Kelly & Tom recap Downton Abbey S3:E1!  They lay out their Linney strategy, speculate about Mary’s fertility, complain about how bitchy all the characters got while on hiatus, go into mourning for McG’s hat, come up with a Branson/Matthew spinoff, wish that Sybil had spent her travel money on a new wardrobe, marvel at the beauty of Larry Gray’s permasneer, unexpectedly find themselves on Team Edith, and of course, extol the many virtues of Dame Maggie Smith.  Plus, Kelly gets in deep with cloche hats, Tom corrects Baron Fellowes on the finer historical points of the Grand Trunk Railway debacle, and both of them say “Shank Bates” eleventy-million times apiece. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

Kelly and Tom wish the Cousins happy holidays with this special podcast covering Mary Poppins! They discuss the film’s hidden protagonist, what was really going on during that “jolly holiday,” Dick Van Dyke’s accent, PL Travers’ dealings with Walt Disney, the fastest bath in history, whether or not Mary Poppins was a secret Communist, and the way the Banks kids are ugly/adorable.  Everyone’s favorite twosome also reveals how to talk to a Scottish prostitute, the way everyone in Edwardian times desperately needed television, and why they live in squalor.  A very happy new year to all!  Tune in January 6 for the latest in UYDS Downton Abbey Series 3 recaps! See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

It’s mainly history in this second “Tom Repeats History/Fashion Backwards” episode as Kelly and Tom give book reports on Black Edwardians by Jeffrey Green and Edward and the Edwardians by Phillippe Jullian, neither of which are worth reading if you don’t host a Downton Abbey podcast.  They also pitch a reboot of The Craft starring Britain’s grand old dames, express disgust at the nickname “Tum-Tum,” debate the proper pronunciation of WEB DuBois’ last name, reveal Kelly’s secret identity, and Tom plans a visit to the Gogol House of Ill Repute. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

SPOILER ALERT: Kelly & Tom break off their engagement with A Room With a View early on in this podcast.  They still talk about it–at length–but despite their undying love of Cecil, they just can’t sign off on the Merchant Ivory classic.  Fortunately, they do manage to reveal Queen Elizabeth II’s favorite film, brainstorm Twitter handles for EM Forster characters, muse about male nudity, explain proper library book etiquette, and identify Edwardian hipsters.  Kelly spends much of the episode dithering about whether or not she’s read the source material while Tom observes that many people have accused him of not knowing what a woman is.  SPOILER ALERT: They are looking forward to reviewing the 2007 TV version of ARWAV next year, so please calm yourselves, rabid Forster fans! See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

At long last, Kelly and Tom finally say “smell ya later” to James Cameron’s Titanic.  They give Old Rose what for, speculate about what Young Rose did to survive once she arrived in New York, discuss the true meaning of “going Galt,” pine for vintage Britney Spears videos, watch Lovejoy tussle with some ghosts, and compare the Titanic cast to the cast of The Princess Bride.  They also announce the UYDS programming schedule for the rest of 2012, insult Gypsies, and once again wonder what happened to Sven.  NOTE: The episode is much more exciting than this description makes it sound. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

Kelly and Tom embark on the second leg of their exciting voyage aboard James Cameron’s Titanic with lots of singing, sauciness, and silly voices.  They discuss government-funded icebergs, Rose and Sven fanfic, Bill Paxton’s haircut, weird racial epithets, Jack’s invisibility bowler, and how to be naked without really looking poor.  Kelly extols the virtues of a guilty Victor Garber, Tom affirms his preference for cinematic boobs and/or death, and two Cousins who avoided seeing Titanic for over a decade tell their stories! See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.