Up Yours, Downstairs! A Downton Abbey Podcast

Kelly & Tom overcome the limitations of time and space to bring you this super-sized recap of Downton Abbey S4’s Christmas Special, “The London Season.” Together, they explore the most grating American accent yet, how children are reared on McG’s home planet, the many delights of Dudders, how much Rose’s ball could be improved with sideboob, Blake’s connection to Hogwarts, board the good ‘ship MacH and Allsopp, the way Baron Fellowes manages to shoehorn Hitler into the series, widow surfing, Mary stealing Gwen’s line, and Bate’s transformation into Batman. Kelly plans to be weirdly obsessed with Tom, Tom hates it when Congress uncovers his bribes, and they both agree that they’ve invested far too much in this podcast to get a divorce. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

In their penultimate recap of Downton Abbey S4, Kelly and Tom pretty much lose their minds over the Tamworths, can’t believe Bates is plunging us into yet another murder plotline, marvel at the McG-ness of McG, compliment the Dowager on her philosophical leanings, applaud the ingenuity of Yorkshire’s nascent carnie society, lament the return of the Homely Liberal, giggle at Jack Ross’s thick, fluffy American accent, wonder what happened to Spratt, invent a new single for the Village People, and call out the ubiquitous boot room. Kelly expresses her disgust at the grossest sexual gesture in existence, Tom entertains with tales of the Teapot Dome scandal, and everyone is super-happy that Mr. Mason is back! See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

Kelly & Tom recap Downton Abbey S4E7 and explore why the Dowager is dressed like an extra from Zoobilee Zoo, whether the Abbey is really just a halfway house for idiot servants, the potential success of a website called Witch Date, Daisy’s rapid transformation into Miss Havisham, exactly where a pig man’s place it (hint: it’s with the pigs), the madness and pointlessly panty-dropping hotness of King Ludwig II, the very unwelcome return of Mr. Green, the boot room of the upstairs, and Mary’s totally awesome bedroom. Kelly is still laughing about Clone High, Tom outlines The Duchess’ modus operandi, and though they don’t exactly apologize for all the things they’ve said about Baron Fellowes, they’d still love to have a chat with him. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

Kelly & Tom are just in love with Downton Abbey in this recap of S4E6.  The objects of their rekindled affection include Baxter’s infuriatingly vague past, heathenish orange juice, hating Woodrow Wilson, the elusive Gutenberg Bible, Isobel’s official return to meddling, the sexploits of Leslie “Hutch” Hutchinson, Violet Kush, kangaroo thieves, Charles Blake’s unfortunate haircut, McG being the McBest, Daisy finally giving dumb Ivy what-for, woad, and the weird, wild, wonderful world of Warren G. Harding.  As if all that wasn’t enough, Kelly’s hot toast brings all the boys to the yard, Tom roots “USA,” as usual, and everyone wonders how a Dowager is like a writing desk. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

Kelly & Tom wax cautiously optimistic for the rest of the season in this recap of Downton Abbey S4E5 as they talk refrigerators and the wacky adventures of Lord Byron. They also talk Branson’s upbringing, the proper way to mail a baby, shipping Daisy and the sewing machine, disgusting Top Chef fanfic, Baron Julian’s sudden recollection of everything that’s happened on the show so far, Pavlov’s Grantham, the introduction of young Pegglet, terrible pregnancy plotlines, that magical spring in Tuck Everlasting, and what HeisenBates might do next. Kelly can’t keep a secret, Tom saves the print industry, and America’s grandmothers rejoice as  everyone finally has a chance to pit baby against baby in a battle for adorable supremacy. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

Kelly & Tom take on Downton Abbey S4E4 and try not to talk about how things were before the war, with mixed results. They permit Edith’s use of the word “whilst,” wonder where have all the babies gone, puzzle over LG’s sudden emergence as the voice of reason, dispute whether anything should be allowed to be jellied, appreciate how friggin’ racist the Crawleys are, determine which dresses Mr. Lloyd George would have hated, wish Mrs. Hughes was a Dark Jedi, discuss the sexiness of marching band bus makeout sessions, encourage Daisy to return to her farm, and pitch a porn parody of The Perfect Storm. As if that weren’t enough, Kelly wants a secret marriage, Tom steps up his BOOM game, and they both totally called Edna a witch before it was cool! See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

Kelly & Tom finally get down to making jokes about Downton Abbey S4E3, and they want to be very clear that they aren’t interested in helping rapists. However, they do address Anna’s assault, try to cast Futurama characters in Downton Abbey, recount a 1922 hipster conversation, speculate about Lady Raven’s subjects, decide once and for all whether Alfred is dumber than Lord Grantham, strap the Dowager Countess to the top of the Beverly Hillbillies’ truck, invent a new word, come up with a radical plan to get Lady Mary past Matthew’s death, and accuse Braithwaite of witchcraft so much that it’s like an Arthur Miller play. Kelly goes inexplicably nuts over the animated film Anastasia, Tom impersonates an Irish baby, and everyone laments how different things were before the war. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

Kelly and Tom talk about the thing that happened. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

Kelly & Tom recap Downton Abbey S4E2 and are surprised by how so little happens so conveniently in this installment.  Otherwise, they wax rhetorical about Bates’s toilet leg, how blue one needs to be to move to Belfast, Gregson’s butler Tony Shalhoub, porking in York, a documentary about Molesley’s life, the head-eating powers of the mega-cloche, the return of Daisy’s bitchface, Hecate’s influence on Downton’s goings-on, whether or not Rose qualifies as a tart, how much it costs to get hobo stink out of a room, and how a Quentin Tarantino-style resolution would be the best way to end the idiotic belowstairs love quadrangle.  Kelly doesn’t understand Massachusetts, Tom wonders why the unemployed can’t just get a job as the Great Gatsby, and both of them are just thrilled that Isis’ butt is finally back! See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

Rejoice, Cousins new and old! It’s time to recap Downton Abbey S4E1 with Kelly & Tom and reveal a new UYDS! theme song.  This ukulele/guitar arrangement is by Cousin Matthew Lister and he is accompanied by Cousin Nick Lanzer.  Otherwise, Kelly & Tom are beyond excited to meet the new Breakfast Club, say farewell to O’Brien’s bangs, malign the Skank Braithwaites, learn about St. Valentine’s Day and workhouses, think about werewolf employment opportunities, go nuts over adorable babies, and celebrate the triumphant return of our girl Mags.  Kelly finally pronounces Siobhan correctly, Tom wants some sarsaparilla, and everyone is reminded that “Grantham Knows Least.” See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

UYDS! favorite Natasha Muse joins Kelly & Tom for this special holiday recap of Doctor Who Series 4, Episode 7, “The Unicorn & the Wasp.”  The trio goes back in time to discover the smell of the 1920s, speculate about the origin of the record scratch, chat about hipster Christians, and wonder if Agatha Christie ever wrote a Choose Your Own Adventure book.  Kelly announces that she’s doing “The Secret” on Mia Farrow, Tom reveals that the number of suspects in any mystery must be prime, and Natasha tells everyone about her very special necklace. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

The parade ends here for Kelly & Tom as they bid a fond farewell to CBatch & the gang. Despite having  other Wannops to Wannop, they struggle to accurately identify all the soldiers in the trenches, applaud McKechnie’s inveterate weirdness, wonder if Sylvia’s a bitch because she’s constipated, lay the Groby tree to rest, and say the word “Guggums” just one more time.  All this, plus our first onscreen look at a contraceptive douche and a Victrola that may not be a portent of impending doom!  Kelly ranks her least-favorite pop culture Edwards, Tom encourages CBatch to take the edge off at Madame Suzette’s, and we all learn why sand-boys are always so happy. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

In their penultimate recap of Parade’s End, Kelly & Tom dive into Part 4 with relish—but not mustard.  They debate the merits of sharing one’s wife with an Egyptologist, consult Shmyahoo! Answers, point out that Sergeant Ferret is just like McG, retroactively nominate Roger Allam for all the awards, witness the making of a MacGuffin, pit Mary Culligan against Carey Mulligan, and marvel at the supremely dumb dumbness of “POTTY!”  Kelly would like everyone to be mistaken for her, Tom wonders how Madame Suzette will feed her children, and both agree that Tom Stoppard wishes everything was a play. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

It’s Part 3 of Parade’s End, and Kelly and Tom are really Batching it up.  They admire Sylvia’s treason dress, try to remember if CBatch got any love from the Emmys this year, brainstorm a new line of makeup, malign sailors on leave and Burning Man, reveal the most mentally stable denomination of British currency, and get completely blindsided by the Reverend Duchemin.   Kelly channels the Beastie Boys to convey the plight of war babies, Tom explains where plover’s eggs come from, and they award Cousin of the Week based on a carrier pigeon for the very first time! See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

After serious consideration and a viewing of Part 2, Kelly and Tom declare Parade’s End a riveting must-see! This is due in no small part to the horrifying Groby tree, CBatch’s Oogie Boogie smile, Sylvia’s plot-driven nudity, Tom “the Stoppard” Stoppard, a very whiny Wannop, the most German-looking of German houses, Potty Chumpstache, a very Edwardian gathering of hipsters, an adorable child petting a pony’s nose, and a fish eagle.  Kelly tries to work Scandal into her busy tv-watching schedule, Tom provides yet more insight into WWI, and the Cousins valiantly attempt to explain just why there’s something about Cumberbatch. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.