Better Sex

In this episode we talk about changing your mindset about sex and about relationships. This episode will challenge your ideas about roles in a relationship and describe a list of new rules to follow that may replace some assumptions that could be getting in your way.A previous episode described the sexual avoidance cycle (quick recap: the circle of disappointment in sex, feeling afraid which leads to avoidance of sex and talking about sex thus inducing increased pressure on your sex life which is followed by a perpetual sense of disappointment). The disappointment portion of the cycle comes from unrealistic expectations. Today we learn where these expectations come from and what myths we buy into that set us up to fail. Two important questions are asked and answered: what do we replace these expectations with and what is sex really?What is sex really?This is an important question to ask because your definition will inform what you expect from sex. You will be challenged to think about your own definition. In the meantime, the following definition is offered: “Sex is the physical expression of our innate drives for love, intimacy and pleasure”.How can a definition change your mindset?While the internet may try to force us into adapting heteronormative definitions, that sex is “sexual intercourse, especially between a man and a woman” (whaaaat?) or “sexual activity including specifically sexual intercourse” (so biased!), consider what your own requirements are. The example you’ll hear in this podcast is a personal one. First, sex has to be inclusive and accessible to everyone. Furthermore, rather than focus on specific acts or body parts, it should focus on pleasure and connection. Lastly, it is based in consent. Consider a person who says they lost their virginity to rape. With this definition, because it was certainly not consensual, that was not sex. This mindset shift is explained in even more depth with a great analogy about how sex is like going to the playground... listen in to figure exactly what that means!Time for some new rulesWhat assumptions and unrealistic expectations are getting in the way of a successful relationship? How does your definition of sex work in your relationship? Give this episode a listen for a full description of new rules to follow. In the meantime, enjoy some highlights below.Knowing what you want...and knowing that what you want is okay!That is, we are responsible for our own pleasure. Creating your own definition of sex means you know what you want; it’s not the other person’s job to magically know what you want to be an effective lover. Building on this concept, what you want is okay! There is nothing wrong with what you want and both you and your partner’s sexual desires are valid and important.No more blindsidesWhat is safety in a relationship? Being fully accommodating of a partner’s feelings and thoughts is not safety. Real safety comes from honesty and knowing you’re going to tell it like it is (and vice versa). Being honest means no one will be blindsided by festering thoughts and opinions that eventually come out.Empathy in CommunicationDuring an argument or discussion, we are often building our defense or rebuttal when listening to our partner instead of really understanding what our partner is saying. Therefore, empathize first and then respond. Try to climb into your partner’s shoes and see things from their perspective.Addressing the interpersonal gapThe interpersonal gap is the gap between what someone’s intention is and what the impact is on the listener. Empathy is important to both notice the gap and then to figure out what happened to cause the discrepancy. What were you trying to say and what did your partner hear?Thoughts and feelings - what’s the difference?Another important rule is to differentiate between thoughts...

In this episode we talk about changing your mindset about sex and about relationships. This episode will challenge your ideas about roles in a relationship and describe a list of new rules to follow that may replace some assumptions that could be getting in your way.A previous episode described the sexual avoidance cycle (quick recap: the circle of disappointment in sex, feeling afraid which leads to avoidance of sex and talking about sex thus inducing increased pressure on your sex life which is followed by a perpetual sense of disappointment). The disappointment portion of the cycle comes from unrealistic expectations. Today we learn where these expectations come from and what myths we buy into that set us up to fail. Two important questions are asked and answered: what do we replace these expectations with and what is sex really?What is sex really?This is an important question to ask because your definition will inform what you expect from sex. You will be challenged to think about your own definition. In the meantime, the following definition is offered: “Sex is the physical expression of our innate drives for love, intimacy and pleasure”.How can a definition change your mindset?While the internet may try to force us into adapting heteronormative definitions, that sex is “sexual intercourse, especially between a man and a woman” (whaaaat?) or “sexual activity including specifically sexual intercourse” (so biased!), consider what your own requirements are. The example you’ll hear in this podcast is a personal one. First, sex has to be inclusive and accessible to everyone. Furthermore, rather than focus on specific acts or body parts, it should focus on pleasure and connection. Lastly, it is based in consent. Consider a person who says they lost their virginity to rape. With this definition, because it was certainly not consensual, that was not sex. This mindset shift is explained in even more depth with a great analogy about how sex is like going to the playground... listen in to figure exactly what that means!Time for some new rulesWhat assumptions and unrealistic expectations are getting in the way of a successful relationship? How does your definition of sex work in your relationship? Give this episode a listen for a full description of new rules to follow. In the meantime, enjoy some highlights below.Knowing what you want...and knowing that what you want is okay!That is, we are responsible for our own pleasure. Creating your own definition of sex means you know what you want; it’s not the other person’s job to magically know what you want to be an effective lover. Building on this concept, what you want is okay! There is nothing wrong with what you want and both you and your partner’s sexual desires are valid and important.No more blindsidesWhat is safety in a relationship? Being fully accommodating of a partner’s feelings and thoughts is not safety. Real safety comes from honesty and knowing you’re going to tell it like it is (and vice versa). Being honest means no one will be blindsided by festering thoughts and opinions that eventually come out.Empathy in CommunicationDuring an argument or discussion, we are often building our defense or rebuttal when listening to our partner instead of really understanding what our partner is saying. Therefore, empathize first and then respond. Try to climb into your partner’s shoes and see things from their perspective.Addressing the interpersonal gapThe interpersonal gap is the gap between what someone’s intention is and what the impact is on the listener. Empathy is important to both notice the gap and then to figure out what happened to cause the discrepancy. What were you trying to say and what did your partner hear?Thoughts and feelings - what’s the difference?Another important rule is to differentiate between thoughts...

The Motivation for Come As You AreMy guest today is Emily Nagoski, the acclaimed author of the best selling book, Come as You Are. As Emily relates, the motivation to write her best-selling book has a very prominent beginning. It was the first day of the semester and Emily was beginning her usual Anatomy class. A student raised her hand and asked if Emily would walk the students through the evolutionary origin of the hymen. Never having contemplated the question, she knew the semester was going to be a challenging but rewarding one. And during the final exam, when asking a question worth 2 points, she asked students to state one thing they had learned. The answer was far from what she expected. She found herself grading the final exams with tears in her eyes. Listen in to learn what most of her students’ answers centered on.We All Have the Same PartsConsider the scrotum. Yes, never before has someone provided an opening sentence like that, but stop for a moment and consider it. The central tenet to Come as You Are is that we all have the same parts, they are just organized differently. If you look at the center of the scrotum, there is a demarcating line that runs down the center; during gestation, all it took was a simple hormone and genetic difference that prevented the scrotum from becoming a labia. They are both stretchy and anatomical similar, but they become formed differently during birth. Through this type of thinking, Emily crafted the book to alleviate the stresses and insecurities of sex. With stress-free sex, with more comfort inside one’s skin and the anatomy that we have developed, we can become comfortable in the fact that we are completely normal. For more on this, listen along.Variance Should Be CelebratedGetting to know your own sexual parts, as well as your partner’s. There is no one-size-fits-all type of sexual practice. Some women, a minority actually, can experience orgasm through vaginal stimulation alone; the majority cannot. And all because of slight anatomical differences that can’t be controlled. So, the number one message communicated is to celebrate the inevitable variance between everyone!SES & SISThis is another extremely interesting section of the interview: Emily talks about the internal sexual excitation system and the sexual inhibition system in our brain that is constantly working behind the scenes. These two work in tandem to balance out sexual excitation with an inhibiting effect that prevents us from being sexually excited all of the time. For more on this dual-control process and how understanding it can help trauma victims, listen along. I am not doing it justice here!The Ramifications of Stress on Sexual HealthStress can make one’s body shut down completely when it comes to healthy sexual functioning. As the brain is highly reactive and conditioned through many facets of existence, a stressful situation can kickstart the sexual inhibition system (SIS) which will more often than not win out over any excitation.But again, variance shows up in this respect as well. Everyone is wired differently. Some people have an increased sex drive once stressed, and others don’t. It’s all a matter of preconditioning.But what do couples do when they are mismatched on this regard. Emily tackles the question with gusto. Tune in to learn more.Scheduled SexJust because you schedule sex with a partner, doesn’t mean that it’s going to happen. But it is a very good idea if you don’t have a lot of sexual desire or have a partner who doesn’t, to schedule the opportunity for sex. Don’t have an expectation that it’s going to happen, just create the opportunity. Sometimes once in an environment that is conducive for sexual excitation, there can be adequate responsive desire. A no-stress desire! Emily discusses this further in the episode.Tips for Re-tuning One’s Sexual Response

The Motivation for Come As You AreMy guest today is Emily Nagoski, the acclaimed author of the best selling book, Come as You Are. As Emily relates, the motivation to write her best-selling book has a very prominent beginning. It was the first day of the semester and Emily was beginning her usual Anatomy class. A student raised her hand and asked if Emily would walk the students through the evolutionary origin of the hymen. Never having contemplated the question, she knew the semester was going to be a challenging but rewarding one. And during the final exam, when asking a question worth 2 points, she asked students to state one thing they had learned. The answer was far from what she expected. She found herself grading the final exams with tears in her eyes. Listen in to learn what most of her students’ answers centered on.We All Have the Same PartsConsider the scrotum. Yes, never before has someone provided an opening sentence like that, but stop for a moment and consider it. The central tenet to Come as You Are is that we all have the same parts, they are just organized differently. If you look at the center of the scrotum, there is a demarcating line that runs down the center; during gestation, all it took was a simple hormone and genetic difference that prevented the scrotum from becoming a labia. They are both stretchy and anatomical similar, but they become formed differently during birth. Through this type of thinking, Emily crafted the book to alleviate the stresses and insecurities of sex. With stress-free sex, with more comfort inside one’s skin and the anatomy that we have developed, we can become comfortable in the fact that we are completely normal. For more on this, listen along.Variance Should Be CelebratedGetting to know your own sexual parts, as well as your partner’s. There is no one-size-fits-all type of sexual practice. Some women, a minority actually, can experience orgasm through vaginal stimulation alone; the majority cannot. And all because of slight anatomical differences that can’t be controlled. So, the number one message communicated is to celebrate the inevitable variance between everyone!SES & SISThis is another extremely interesting section of the interview: Emily talks about the internal sexual excitation system and the sexual inhibition system in our brain that is constantly working behind the scenes. These two work in tandem to balance out sexual excitation with an inhibiting effect that prevents us from being sexually excited all of the time. For more on this dual-control process and how understanding it can help trauma victims, listen along. I am not doing it justice here!The Ramifications of Stress on Sexual HealthStress can make one’s body shut down completely when it comes to healthy sexual functioning. As the brain is highly reactive and conditioned through many facets of existence, a stressful situation can kickstart the sexual inhibition system (SIS) which will more often than not win out over any excitation.But again, variance shows up in this respect as well. Everyone is wired differently. Some people have an increased sex drive once stressed, and others don’t. It’s all a matter of preconditioning.But what do couples do when they are mismatched on this regard. Emily tackles the question with gusto. Tune in to learn more.Scheduled SexJust because you schedule sex with a partner, doesn’t mean that it’s going to happen. But it is a very good idea if you don’t have a lot of sexual desire or have a partner who doesn’t, to schedule the opportunity for sex. Don’t have an expectation that it’s going to happen, just create the opportunity. Sometimes once in an environment that is conducive for sexual excitation, there can be adequate responsive desire. A no-stress desire! Emily discusses this further in the episode.Tips for Re-tuning One’s Sexual Response

How Dr. Beverly Whipple Started Studying SexDr. Whipple got her start while she was teaching nursing students. A sexual topic was broached that she didn’t have concrete answers for, and so she gave the inquisitive student a rain check. She then realized sex classes needed to be taught and that she wanted to be the one to do it. After being forbidden to teach the apparently taboo discipline, she took her services to institutions which allowed it. And that’s how she got her start. From there she went into particular research projects and she has been going strong for 40+ years. For more, from the charming woman herself, listen in.From Kegels to Female EjaculationAfter Whipple had been researching for a short period, she came into contact with a body of research that had to do with a scientific analysis of female ejaculation. This analysis had grown from the collective efforts of several scientists. Eventually, it was discovered that varying degrees of muscle strength of the pelvic floor eventually led to differing abilities in producing ejaculate. This, in turn, led to a much more thorough understanding of the physiological instances of the female anatomy. And of course, the amount of research would only snowball from there.The Validation of Different Types of OrgasmsContrary to popular belief, women all have unique sexual experiences. You may have known this already, but a lot of people have skewed perceptions on the type, frequency, and stimulation required to experience an orgasm. Every woman is unique. And as Dr. Whipple began studying varying orgasms in a wide array of women, she looked not to categorize but to instead validate the different orgasms that were experienced by these women. Again, she stresses during the interview that it wasn’t about saying that X + Y = a clitoral orgasm or to put complete quantitative certainty on various types of orgasms. She documented them, but her overall goal was to promote and validate each unique women and their experiences. For more details on the studies and the metrics she used to validate the orgasms, check the interview out!Hot and Spicy Food Will Make Childbirth More Painful?This interview went to a lot of different places, all of them interesting! And yes, Whipple states that it appears capsaicin blocks the analgesic response the female body undergoes during childbirth. For more interesting tidbits, such as Aristotle’s take on female ejaculation, and information about the man that the G Spot was named after, tune in!Anatomy of the G SpotThe ‘G Spot” sort of evolved into an erroneous catch-all term for every woman. As if sexual satisfaction derives from solely finding that magical spot. 30 degrees to the left, 44 degrees to the right, and you have arrived at your destination. But in reality, the “G Spot” is made up of many organs and sensitive tissues, as Whipple states. And besides, not every woman is going to have a similar G Spot in feeling and sensitivity. So, the G Spot has largely become an abstraction for a much more complex and varied anatomical facet in women.The Most Important Take-Home MessagesTo end the fascinating interview, Beverly wants to communicate to listeners the most important facts she has learned through her years in the field. Some of these are: Each woman is unique in sexual experience. The importance of emphasizing the process of experiencing an orgasm and not the end goal i.e. don’t be goal-driven in your sex life. And many, many more. Definitely give this one a listen!About Beverly WhippleA pioneer in her field, Beverly Whipple is as prolific as she is influential. She has co-authored seven books, one of them being, The G Spot and Other Discoveries About Human Sexuality, which is her most well-known book. And in fact, she played a large role in coining the term ‘G spot’ (short for Gräfenberg spot).Also, due to her impressive...

How Dr. Beverly Whipple Started Studying SexDr. Whipple got her start while she was teaching nursing students. A sexual topic was broached that she didn’t have concrete answers for, and so she gave the inquisitive student a rain check. She then realized sex classes needed to be taught and that she wanted to be the one to do it. After being forbidden to teach the apparently taboo discipline, she took her services to institutions which allowed it. And that’s how she got her start. From there she went into particular research projects and she has been going strong for 40+ years. For more, from the charming woman herself, listen in.From Kegels to Female EjaculationAfter Whipple had been researching for a short period, she came into contact with a body of research that had to do with a scientific analysis of female ejaculation. This analysis had grown from the collective efforts of several scientists. Eventually, it was discovered that varying degrees of muscle strength of the pelvic floor eventually led to differing abilities in producing ejaculate. This, in turn, led to a much more thorough understanding of the physiological instances of the female anatomy. And of course, the amount of research would only snowball from there.The Validation of Different Types of OrgasmsContrary to popular belief, women all have unique sexual experiences. You may have known this already, but a lot of people have skewed perceptions on the type, frequency, and stimulation required to experience an orgasm. Every woman is unique. And as Dr. Whipple began studying varying orgasms in a wide array of women, she looked not to categorize but to instead validate the different orgasms that were experienced by these women. Again, she stresses during the interview that it wasn’t about saying that X + Y = a clitoral orgasm or to put complete quantitative certainty on various types of orgasms. She documented them, but her overall goal was to promote and validate each unique women and their experiences. For more details on the studies and the metrics she used to validate the orgasms, check the interview out!Hot and Spicy Food Will Make Childbirth More Painful?This interview went to a lot of different places, all of them interesting! And yes, Whipple states that it appears capsaicin blocks the analgesic response the female body undergoes during childbirth. For more interesting tidbits, such as Aristotle’s take on female ejaculation, and information about the man that the G Spot was named after, tune in!Anatomy of the G SpotThe ‘G Spot” sort of evolved into an erroneous catch-all term for every woman. As if sexual satisfaction derives from solely finding that magical spot. 30 degrees to the left, 44 degrees to the right, and you have arrived at your destination. But in reality, the “G Spot” is made up of many organs and sensitive tissues, as Whipple states. And besides, not every woman is going to have a similar G Spot in feeling and sensitivity. So, the G Spot has largely become an abstraction for a much more complex and varied anatomical facet in women.The Most Important Take-Home MessagesTo end the fascinating interview, Beverly wants to communicate to listeners the most important facts she has learned through her years in the field. Some of these are: Each woman is unique in sexual experience. The importance of emphasizing the process of experiencing an orgasm and not the end goal i.e. don’t be goal-driven in your sex life. And many, many more. Definitely give this one a listen!About Beverly WhippleA pioneer in her field, Beverly Whipple is as prolific as she is influential. She has co-authored seven books, one of them being, The G Spot and Other Discoveries About Human Sexuality, which is her most well-known book. And in fact, she played a large role in coining the term ‘G spot’ (short for Gräfenberg spot).Also, due to her impressive...

It is time for another personal story. As always, on my show, I like to shine a spotlight on important stories from people who need to tell them. These personal stories offer fresh perspectives on subjects that should be discussed, listened to, ponder over, and written about. And my guest has a story that to my knowledge has never been told before.Stephen Gregory is a teacher of Tantra, a psychotherapist for marriages and families, and an author of the book, Sex Death & Tantra: How sex saved my life after death. And within this episode, he tells the powerful tale of how the principles of Tantra gave him the ability to experience the full, life-shattering aspects of his late husband’s death, but at the same time, move past the hardest moments of the grieving process through its healing powers.Listen along and experience a story that is unlike anything you have probably ever heard.The Impetus for Writing Sex Death & TantraWhile going through the grieving process for his late husband, Stephen started what would go on to become a very powerful healing process for himself. Because he has his master’s in Grief and Loss, Stephen figured himself to be an expert on the grieving process; but it wasn’t until he actually went through an extreme tragedy that he felt he had a more complete understanding. There is a definite difference between book knowledge and real-life experience, and he used his hurt to mark the beginning of an experiment that would prove to be the subject matter of his book. He also points out that usually, our greatest strengths are the results of our deepest wounds, which is just one of the many powerful things he touches upon in this episode.The Beginning of the Story: Tantra RevisedBecause of Stephen’s sexual orientation, the traditional tantric practices were not applicable to him, nor were they as powerful. Instead, he actively sought out a teacher who could cater to his sexual orientation. Eventually, he found one. And it was through this relationship that the seeds were planted for his eventual healing. Listen along and hear it in Stephen’s own words.It Sort of Just...HappenedAbout a month after his husband’s death, Stephen started exploring a deep sexual relationship with his Tantric teacher. It was after being embraced by his teacher, in his deep mourning, that he began to confront feelings of arousal coupled with the intense sadness he was suffering through.The result of this would lead Stephen to experience the full power of the principles of Tantra in practice. Through a greater understanding, through the traveling of the energy below his waist upwards to his heart, an outpouring of emotion was achieved. It was as if he was truly grieving, yet avoiding the depression that accompanies tragic loss. It was as if he was staying in touch with his deceased husband (through their shared Tantric experiences), but was healing at the same time. This paradoxical state was rife with tension and the seemingly unrelated feeling of release. But both opposing states provided counterweights and balances that complemented the entire act and philosophy of Tantra.To learn much more about all of this, listen along and then buy Stephen’s book where all of this is laid out in much more detail. The link is below.The Intensive Process of Documenting this ExperienceDuring the interview, Stephen says that the whole process took about a year. And this was an everyday activity, often starting at 4:30 in the morning. Both he and his Tantra teacher would document everything. For more on the very exhaustive but necessary means to which he worked towards, listen in.Misconceptions About the ProcessHe says that there will always be those who have knee-jerk reactions to the story, thinking that he only used sex as a distractor; but for anyone who reads Sex Death & Tantra, it would be pretty much impossible to...

It is time for another personal story. As always, on my show, I like to shine a spotlight on important stories from people who need to tell them. These personal stories offer fresh perspectives on subjects that should be discussed, listened to, ponder over, and written about. And my guest has a story that to my knowledge has never been told before.Stephen Gregory is a teacher of Tantra, a psychotherapist for marriages and families, and an author of the book, Sex Death & Tantra: How sex saved my life after death. And within this episode, he tells the powerful tale of how the principles of Tantra gave him the ability to experience the full, life-shattering aspects of his late husband’s death, but at the same time, move past the hardest moments of the grieving process through its healing powers.Listen along and experience a story that is unlike anything you have probably ever heard.The Impetus for Writing Sex Death & TantraWhile going through the grieving process for his late husband, Stephen started what would go on to become a very powerful healing process for himself. Because he has his master’s in Grief and Loss, Stephen figured himself to be an expert on the grieving process; but it wasn’t until he actually went through an extreme tragedy that he felt he had a more complete understanding. There is a definite difference between book knowledge and real-life experience, and he used his hurt to mark the beginning of an experiment that would prove to be the subject matter of his book. He also points out that usually, our greatest strengths are the results of our deepest wounds, which is just one of the many powerful things he touches upon in this episode.The Beginning of the Story: Tantra RevisedBecause of Stephen’s sexual orientation, the traditional tantric practices were not applicable to him, nor were they as powerful. Instead, he actively sought out a teacher who could cater to his sexual orientation. Eventually, he found one. And it was through this relationship that the seeds were planted for his eventual healing. Listen along and hear it in Stephen’s own words.It Sort of Just...HappenedAbout a month after his husband’s death, Stephen started exploring a deep sexual relationship with his Tantric teacher. It was after being embraced by his teacher, in his deep mourning, that he began to confront feelings of arousal coupled with the intense sadness he was suffering through.The result of this would lead Stephen to experience the full power of the principles of Tantra in practice. Through a greater understanding, through the traveling of the energy below his waist upwards to his heart, an outpouring of emotion was achieved. It was as if he was truly grieving, yet avoiding the depression that accompanies tragic loss. It was as if he was staying in touch with his deceased husband (through their shared Tantric experiences), but was healing at the same time. This paradoxical state was rife with tension and the seemingly unrelated feeling of release. But both opposing states provided counterweights and balances that complemented the entire act and philosophy of Tantra.To learn much more about all of this, listen along and then buy Stephen’s book where all of this is laid out in much more detail. The link is below.The Intensive Process of Documenting this ExperienceDuring the interview, Stephen says that the whole process took about a year. And this was an everyday activity, often starting at 4:30 in the morning. Both he and his Tantra teacher would document everything. For more on the very exhaustive but necessary means to which he worked towards, listen in.Misconceptions About the ProcessHe says that there will always be those who have knee-jerk reactions to the story, thinking that he only used sex as a distractor; but for anyone who reads Sex Death & Tantra, it would be pretty much impossible to...

The True Meaning of ‘Cliteracy’Starting with a discussion of his book, She Comes First, Ian Kerner’s coined word ‘cliteracy’ is given more thought and emphasis. Overall, the term encapsulates the aim of his bestselling book. He relays to listeners his previously one-sided mentalities towards sex, his struggles, and his overall motivations for becoming "cliterate" (clitoral literacy). By moving past an intercourse-dominated understanding of what sex had been, and shifting towards an outercourse understanding of what sex could be, his life changed for the better. For more on the backstory and motivations for She Comes First, and his whole shift in perspective, check the episode out.Less Performance Anxiety With Cunnilingus?Yes and no, Ian Kerner states. Certainly, if one shifts towards more foreplay, closeness, and outercourse over sticking to a strictly penetrative practice, the slow-burning build-up can be a much more relaxed experience for all who are involved. And according to Kerner, it is much rarer for a man to be anxious about performing oral sex on a partner over traditional vaginal intercourse (where maintaining an erection or premature ejaculation can often crop up). Instead, females are usually much more anxious to receive cunnilingus because of issues of genital self-esteem and other factors. For more on this, Ian Kerner really brings up some cogent points on the subject.Genital Self-EsteemThis concept is a very important one to consider when the topic at hand is cliteracy. Especially for someone who has harsh, unrealistic, or unhealthy self-perceptions about the appearance or size of their genitals, and so on. And the number one way to remedy an anxious partner is to express how much you enjoy giving them pleasure--expressing one’s during the performative aspect of cunnilingus is key. This reinforces a system of positive feedback which in turn makes the act more enjoyable for all involved.Sex in Multiple ActsIan likes to remind his clients that sex shouldn’t be done on just a penetrative basis. He likens those kinds of sexual practices as a play with only one act. So, instead of going straight for the climax without actually having built up properly for it, he encourages starting slow. Only when you introduce important elements can you move onto the next act. If you want really good, healthy sex, one should logically start with the first act: this could consist of seduction or playful touching. Act 2 is genital stimulation. And act 3 can logically progress from there with more foreplay. Or maybe an intermission between acts 3 and 4, and then the play resumes. Also, who says an orgasm has to be the end result? Some of the most satisfying sexual experiences (plays) don’t always end with a climax. For much more, check it out!Changes to She Comes First?Because Ian wrote She Comes First over a decade ago, some of focuses and implementations are perhaps a little lopsided for his taste now. Technique gets the majority of page space throughout the book, and he ponders aloud if perhaps he should have focused more on the communication aspects of sex over achieving a ‘flow’ state during the act itself. Both are important of course! But overall, Ian is proud of the book, as he should be. And for those who haven’t picked up a copy, you really should. You should also really check the episode out!BackgroundIan Kerner is the bestselling author of, She Comes First, and its companion piece, Passionista: The Empowered Woman's Guide to Pleasuring a Man. In addition to garnering acclaim with the aforementioned books, he has successfully launched and maintained a career as a licensed psychotherapist, a sexuality counselor with a focus in sex therapy and couples therapy; he is also considered a prominent authority on sexuality throughout the industry.Just a few of the notable programs and organizations that he is a part of...

The True Meaning of ‘Cliteracy’Starting with a discussion of his book, She Comes First, Ian Kerner’s coined word ‘cliteracy’ is given more thought and emphasis. Overall, the term encapsulates the aim of his bestselling book. He relays to listeners his previously one-sided mentalities towards sex, his struggles, and his overall motivations for becoming "cliterate" (clitoral literacy). By moving past an intercourse-dominated understanding of what sex had been, and shifting towards an outercourse understanding of what sex could be, his life changed for the better. For more on the backstory and motivations for She Comes First, and his whole shift in perspective, check the episode out.Less Performance Anxiety With Cunnilingus?Yes and no, Ian Kerner states. Certainly, if one shifts towards more foreplay, closeness, and outercourse over sticking to a strictly penetrative practice, the slow-burning build-up can be a much more relaxed experience for all who are involved. And according to Kerner, it is much rarer for a man to be anxious about performing oral sex on a partner over traditional vaginal intercourse (where maintaining an erection or premature ejaculation can often crop up). Instead, females are usually much more anxious to receive cunnilingus because of issues of genital self-esteem and other factors. For more on this, Ian Kerner really brings up some cogent points on the subject.Genital Self-EsteemThis concept is a very important one to consider when the topic at hand is cliteracy. Especially for someone who has harsh, unrealistic, or unhealthy self-perceptions about the appearance or size of their genitals, and so on. And the number one way to remedy an anxious partner is to express how much you enjoy giving them pleasure--expressing one’s during the performative aspect of cunnilingus is key. This reinforces a system of positive feedback which in turn makes the act more enjoyable for all involved.Sex in Multiple ActsIan likes to remind his clients that sex shouldn’t be done on just a penetrative basis. He likens those kinds of sexual practices as a play with only one act. So, instead of going straight for the climax without actually having built up properly for it, he encourages starting slow. Only when you introduce important elements can you move onto the next act. If you want really good, healthy sex, one should logically start with the first act: this could consist of seduction or playful touching. Act 2 is genital stimulation. And act 3 can logically progress from there with more foreplay. Or maybe an intermission between acts 3 and 4, and then the play resumes. Also, who says an orgasm has to be the end result? Some of the most satisfying sexual experiences (plays) don’t always end with a climax. For much more, check it out!Changes to She Comes First?Because Ian wrote She Comes First over a decade ago, some of focuses and implementations are perhaps a little lopsided for his taste now. Technique gets the majority of page space throughout the book, and he ponders aloud if perhaps he should have focused more on the communication aspects of sex over achieving a ‘flow’ state during the act itself. Both are important of course! But overall, Ian is proud of the book, as he should be. And for those who haven’t picked up a copy, you really should. You should also really check the episode out!BackgroundIan Kerner is the bestselling author of, She Comes First, and its companion piece, Passionista: The Empowered Woman's Guide to Pleasuring a Man. In addition to garnering acclaim with the aforementioned books, he has successfully launched and maintained a career as a licensed psychotherapist, a sexuality counselor with a focus in sex therapy and couples therapy; he is also considered a prominent authority on sexuality throughout the industry.Just a few of the notable programs and organizations that he is a part of...

The Sexual Avoidance Cycle Revisited: The Dangers of ‘Sexpectations’Today we are going to revisit the Sexual Avoidance Cycle; more specifically, we are going to talk about the Disappointment Phase of the Cycle in order to pinpoint the harmful effects of expectations. That is, what happens when we have grand visions and plans for a sexual experience, and it falls below our expectation level?As is common, we experience disappointment which can compound into further sexual complications in a relationship. This was discussed as well in episode #40 (another soapbox installment!).Using this concept as a springboard for conversation, this episode will briefly cover a wide array of instances where sexual expectations (sexpectations) can sabotage our sex lives. In addition, porn (the usual suspect), makes another appearance. I will analyze, not from a moral standpoint, but a psychologically-reinforcing basis, the negative effect that porn has on creating unrealistic expectations.I will also do a short ‘mythbusting’ segment where I scrutinize some of the more prevalent myths about sex. There’s a lot to cover in a short amount of time, but you can definitely expect a great show.What is so Bad About [S]expectations?should we avoid expectations like the plague when sex is involved? What is so harmful about these sexpectations? For one, putting a cap on expectations can help correct incorrect assumptions and predispositions towards sex; it can also lead to better spousal communication and connection. And with a minimal level of sexpectiations at the forefront of one’s sexual activities, sex can be a joyous occasion instead of a stressful, pressure-inducing obstacle to avoid. So, it is often a best practice to let things happen how they are going to happen in the bedroom. Expecting too much is harmful to everyone involved. For more, tune in!Interrogate Your Social EnvironmentNever write off the power of social factors in determining your unique sexual makeup and preconceived expectations. The proverbial ‘nurture’ of the Nature/Nurture debate can be said to affect all of us, in seemingly unconscious ways; but nonetheless, it is a strong explicit and implicit determinant in how our expectations are formed. Maybe you have never thought about it before. Regardless, interrogating your social environment, both present and past is very important for understanding and thus unpacking some of your possibly misguided expectations. For more, listen in.“No Two Kids Have the Same Parents”Synonymous with our social environments, taking into account the unique perspectives and mentalities that each of us has towards sex is a must for untangling the complex web of your expectations. To properly manage what we expect, we should plan to gain as much understanding as possible.Porn Isn’t Helping Your SexpectationsAgain, this isn’t a condemnation of pornography from a moral basis, but an analysis of the very disconnecting nature of pornography on the realistic expectations of sexually active individuals. Because pornography makes a caricature out of certain aspects of sex--penis and breast size, body shape, movements, duration, an emphasis on penetrative over other forms of sex, and a myriad of other fantastical elements--it is easy to let those elements seep into your own personal expectations. Especially if you are of the generation that grew up on porn and learned a lot about sexuality from the very unreal world of pornography. Tune in for more detail on this.Desire Discrepancies, The Female Orgasm, and Other Sex MythsThere are many sexual myths in circulation due to misinformation and lack of a comprehensive sexual education. To start, a very prominent myth has to do with any uneven desires for sex in relationships. And no, there is nothing wrong in general with your relationship if the desires are a bit lopsided e.g....

The Sexual Avoidance Cycle Revisited: The Dangers of ‘Sexpectations’Today we are going to revisit the Sexual Avoidance Cycle; more specifically, we are going to talk about the Disappointment Phase of the Cycle in order to pinpoint the harmful effects of expectations. That is, what happens when we have grand visions and plans for a sexual experience, and it falls below our expectation level?As is common, we experience disappointment which can compound into further sexual complications in a relationship. This was discussed as well in episode #40 (another soapbox installment!).Using this concept as a springboard for conversation, this episode will briefly cover a wide array of instances where sexual expectations (sexpectations) can sabotage our sex lives. In addition, porn (the usual suspect), makes another appearance. I will analyze, not from a moral standpoint, but a psychologically-reinforcing basis, the negative effect that porn has on creating unrealistic expectations.I will also do a short ‘mythbusting’ segment where I scrutinize some of the more prevalent myths about sex. There’s a lot to cover in a short amount of time, but you can definitely expect a great show.What is so Bad About [S]expectations?should we avoid expectations like the plague when sex is involved? What is so harmful about these sexpectations? For one, putting a cap on expectations can help correct incorrect assumptions and predispositions towards sex; it can also lead to better spousal communication and connection. And with a minimal level of sexpectiations at the forefront of one’s sexual activities, sex can be a joyous occasion instead of a stressful, pressure-inducing obstacle to avoid. So, it is often a best practice to let things happen how they are going to happen in the bedroom. Expecting too much is harmful to everyone involved. For more, tune in!Interrogate Your Social EnvironmentNever write off the power of social factors in determining your unique sexual makeup and preconceived expectations. The proverbial ‘nurture’ of the Nature/Nurture debate can be said to affect all of us, in seemingly unconscious ways; but nonetheless, it is a strong explicit and implicit determinant in how our expectations are formed. Maybe you have never thought about it before. Regardless, interrogating your social environment, both present and past is very important for understanding and thus unpacking some of your possibly misguided expectations. For more, listen in.“No Two Kids Have the Same Parents”Synonymous with our social environments, taking into account the unique perspectives and mentalities that each of us has towards sex is a must for untangling the complex web of your expectations. To properly manage what we expect, we should plan to gain as much understanding as possible.Porn Isn’t Helping Your SexpectationsAgain, this isn’t a condemnation of pornography from a moral basis, but an analysis of the very disconnecting nature of pornography on the realistic expectations of sexually active individuals. Because pornography makes a caricature out of certain aspects of sex--penis and breast size, body shape, movements, duration, an emphasis on penetrative over other forms of sex, and a myriad of other fantastical elements--it is easy to let those elements seep into your own personal expectations. Especially if you are of the generation that grew up on porn and learned a lot about sexuality from the very unreal world of pornography. Tune in for more detail on this.Desire Discrepancies, The Female Orgasm, and Other Sex MythsThere are many sexual myths in circulation due to misinformation and lack of a comprehensive sexual education. To start, a very prominent myth has to do with any uneven desires for sex in relationships. And no, there is nothing wrong in general with your relationship if the desires are a bit lopsided e.g....

Overcoming Sexual ShameIn her work, Sellers places considerable emphasis on reversing sexual shame in her clients’ and readers’ minds. Growing up in a sexually-open environment, with parents who were very transparent about sexual function, health, and education, Tina learned the importance of communication over the suppression of sexual fact. And by extension, she is a vocal opponent of abstinence-only techniques which are ineffective and detrimental to the overall sexual wellbeing of all who are involved.Tina also likes to probe the depths of religious history to offer broader perspectives on how sexuality and religion can function symbiotically instead of antagonistically.Without further ado, much more is expounded upon within the episode. It is an absolutely phenomenal experience, navigated by an equally phenomenal guest. Enjoy!Sex, God, and the Conservative Church: A Sexual Autobiography?Not exactly. Tina had an upbringing that runs counter to a typical conservative church experience. She grew up in a Swedish immigrant family where everyone was body and sex positive. In addition, sexuality was taught in a transparent manner. This meant that the typical drip-feed of sexual shame had been replaced with a far more positive apparatus for sexual wellbeing and curiosity. Tina goes on to say much more about her background and the importance of her upbringing throughout the episode!Transforming a Fragmented Narrative into a Sexual LegacySo, why would Tina write a book about the suppression of sexuality in religiously-centered families, when she herself had experienced a far-from-stifling upbringing? To completely answer this question requires a brief review of a moment in her life that determined the direction of her research.The pieces for her book began to fall into place during her time as a professor. And more specifically, when she organized assignments that directed her Human Sexuality students to make autobiographical accounts of their own sexual experiences. And it was during the countless drafts she read that she started to notice an influx of narratives that all became pointedly self-conscious and self-disparaging. What had originally been a fragmented narrative began to congeal into a fleshed-out profile of individual sexuality. But what could have caused this shift in perception? Tune in to find out more!The Limitations of Legalism and Abstinence-OnlySellers delves into some of the origins of the more Evangelically-driven modes of thought. Legalistic adherence to biblical laws, literalism, a harsh criticism of sexual expression, and the power and money at the root of all socio-political movements. In addition, she accentuates the fact that the abstinence-only strategies are mentally detrimental for children. Eventually, once a child matures and becomes sexually active, abstinence-only techniques prove to be much more harmful than establishing regular dialogues on sexuality. Most of this is socio-politically and religiously driven, like the Purity Movement. Seriously, this information is worth its weight in gold. You won’t want to miss it!The Phenomenology of Sexual ShameAt one point in the episode, Tina shares a quote which provides an absolutely nuanced and fresh perspective on the idea of sexual shame. But at the same time, it is heartbreaking in its accuracy. This is a portion of what is said on the phenomenology of sexual shame: “A visceral feeling of humiliation and disgust towards one’s own body and identity as a sexual being. A belief of being abnormal, inferior, and unworthy.” And this has been reinforced by our socio-political climate. For more on the phenomenology of sexual shame, listen along.Comprehensive Sex-Ed: 100, 1-minute conversationsTina says that a comprehensive sexual education is imperative for shifting the legacy of sexual of shame. With enough discussions,...

Overcoming Sexual ShameIn her work, Sellers places considerable emphasis on reversing sexual shame in her clients’ and readers’ minds. Growing up in a sexually-open environment, with parents who were very transparent about sexual function, health, and education, Tina learned the importance of communication over the suppression of sexual fact. And by extension, she is a vocal opponent of abstinence-only techniques which are ineffective and detrimental to the overall sexual wellbeing of all who are involved.Tina also likes to probe the depths of religious history to offer broader perspectives on how sexuality and religion can function symbiotically instead of antagonistically.Without further ado, much more is expounded upon within the episode. It is an absolutely phenomenal experience, navigated by an equally phenomenal guest. Enjoy!Sex, God, and the Conservative Church: A Sexual Autobiography?Not exactly. Tina had an upbringing that runs counter to a typical conservative church experience. She grew up in a Swedish immigrant family where everyone was body and sex positive. In addition, sexuality was taught in a transparent manner. This meant that the typical drip-feed of sexual shame had been replaced with a far more positive apparatus for sexual wellbeing and curiosity. Tina goes on to say much more about her background and the importance of her upbringing throughout the episode!Transforming a Fragmented Narrative into a Sexual LegacySo, why would Tina write a book about the suppression of sexuality in religiously-centered families, when she herself had experienced a far-from-stifling upbringing? To completely answer this question requires a brief review of a moment in her life that determined the direction of her research.The pieces for her book began to fall into place during her time as a professor. And more specifically, when she organized assignments that directed her Human Sexuality students to make autobiographical accounts of their own sexual experiences. And it was during the countless drafts she read that she started to notice an influx of narratives that all became pointedly self-conscious and self-disparaging. What had originally been a fragmented narrative began to congeal into a fleshed-out profile of individual sexuality. But what could have caused this shift in perception? Tune in to find out more!The Limitations of Legalism and Abstinence-OnlySellers delves into some of the origins of the more Evangelically-driven modes of thought. Legalistic adherence to biblical laws, literalism, a harsh criticism of sexual expression, and the power and money at the root of all socio-political movements. In addition, she accentuates the fact that the abstinence-only strategies are mentally detrimental for children. Eventually, once a child matures and becomes sexually active, abstinence-only techniques prove to be much more harmful than establishing regular dialogues on sexuality. Most of this is socio-politically and religiously driven, like the Purity Movement. Seriously, this information is worth its weight in gold. You won’t want to miss it!The Phenomenology of Sexual ShameAt one point in the episode, Tina shares a quote which provides an absolutely nuanced and fresh perspective on the idea of sexual shame. But at the same time, it is heartbreaking in its accuracy. This is a portion of what is said on the phenomenology of sexual shame: “A visceral feeling of humiliation and disgust towards one’s own body and identity as a sexual being. A belief of being abnormal, inferior, and unworthy.” And this has been reinforced by our socio-political climate. For more on the phenomenology of sexual shame, listen along.Comprehensive Sex-Ed: 100, 1-minute conversationsTina says that a comprehensive sexual education is imperative for shifting the legacy of sexual of shame. With enough discussions,...

Parenting a trans teenPia is the mother of a transgender child (now twenty years old) who underwent a successful physical transition into his male self. Pia’s love for her kid and overall emotional resiliency shines through when she recounts the details of her child’s story.An advocate of providing a strong support system for everyone undergoing surgery or hormone therapy to transition into the gender of their choice, she is a shining example of the warmth needed for everyone involved. Her story and perspective are extremely important.A Tragic Beginning, But a Joyous Opportunity NonethelessFor Pia, she had no idea that her son was suffering. The self-harm, the fear, the loneliness, all of it came from a place of emotional insecurity so common for those who are going through the process of transitioning from female to male or vice versa. The most tragic part of this story is just how common it is for transgender or gender dysphoric individuals to feel terrified of sharing such a crucial facet of their identity with loved ones and friends. Pia says that there was such joy after having that first conversation with her son. Really, any show notes or summary won’t do Pia’s story justice, listen along and take in everything Pia has to say.“Vision is Different, But the Person is the Same.”Pia recounts just how difficult it was to get used to seeing her child in such a different way. It was inevitable that she would become tripped up his new appearance and gender, but she quickly reminded herself that the person was absolutely the same, even if the name and sex had changed. The vision was different, yes, but the person was absolutely the same. For more on this idea, Pia explains it very well. A Birth Instead of a DeathPia wants to remind listeners that she found herself caught up with thoughts of losing a daughter. In a way, she is right, and her feelings are justified. But ultimately, she knows that where a loss happens, so too a birth results after the operation. Pia once again doesn’t recount the tough aspects of the process to say, “poor me!” But instead, to let parents and friends know that those types of thoughts will crop up, don’t push them away, you are justified in feeling them, but don’t let them override the focus on what’s really important: the individual undergoing their transformation and their feelings and emotions.The Importance of Support SystemsTransition teams for transgenders, a supportive family and group of friends, programs that instill positivity and which educate those who are in the transitional stage--all of these things are extremely important aspects of the process. At one point, Pia shares an alarming statistic about transgender acceptance when she states that 1 out of 15 of the transgender in her son’s support group had been accepted by their families lovingly. The rest were usually ostracized. To juxtapose this information, Pia stresses the importance of support systems. And to hear Pia delve deeper into the aspects of what a support system should comprise and the roles that parents should have, tune in.What’s In a Name?Pia tells us that her son didn’t know what he felt at a young age; he just knew he was different. And it wasn’t until he came across a resource online where the term “transgender” first became apparent. This became a process of validation through the acquisition of new knowledge, which in turn led to the epiphanic moment for Pia’s son. This speaks to the fact that although the words might not always be readily available for explanation purposes, feelings are usually present from a very early age. Some sources say as early as age three.Take-Home MessagePia wants to impart some very valuable advice for listeners. One of these being that the transgender lifestyle is not a phase at all. Don’t treat it that way, as if a child, teenager, or adult who identifies as...