Better Sex

My guest Shazia Imam works with women who are looking to access and unlock their deepest desires and power. She is very skilled at inspiring women to chase their desires once they have figured them out. Shazia does transformational life coaching, she worked as an engineer before shifting careers, and she has a great story to tell in this episode!.In this story, she talks about her incredible story of transformation: from living a life where she went through the motions and checked boxes off her list, to a life of deep fulfillment and intimacy, all because she chose to listen to her own desires and follow her own path.Shazia’s Desire to Curate a Perfect LifeShazia starts off this interview by stating that she grew up in a pretty normal household. She did extremely well in school as an engineer, and then she was hired at one of the most prestigious consulting firms in the world; but she soon started worrying about the next things to check off of her box, as she puts it.Soon she got married, became pregnant, but tragedy would strike as she lost the baby. She says that as a woman, losing a child is one of the most, if not the most, difficult things a woman can face.And then to add to the devastation, she was faced with yet another challenge that would continue to shift her mentality on “curating her perfect life.”Listen in for more.A Path Taken AloneWhen asked if Shazia had support from her family during this difficult time in her life, she says that she actually didn’t tell them the extent of her troubles. She believed it was important to take her path in life by herself.She tried everything she could to save her marriage, and it took years for the divorce process to be finalized. She kept the divorce from her parents until it was actually fulfilled. She said she was so worried about everyone else that she burdened the weight of these circumstances on her shoulders.Shazia admits that she even went homeless for a few months in order to hide the events in her life from everyone else.For more about this part of life, listen along.From Swimming Lessons to a SoulmateShazia realized that her self-esteem was at an all-time low. Her low sense of self-worth was getting in the way of her liberation from the exacting circumstances in her life.Putting her problem-solving skills to work, Shazia wrote a list of things that she wanted in her life. From her desired relationship to wanting to take swim lessons. This was liberating.But a bigger moment of liberation came when she finally stopped clenching her fist and let go of trying to fix her marriage. She said that an unexpected wave of freedom and relief came whenever she walked out of the door and stopped clenching her fist tight on the relationship.This started the long, exhilarating process of discovering facets of her personality that she didn’t really know was there: like her sensuality, sassiness, and joy.And on top of that, she manifested her soulmate.Start Small, Start SomewhereThe turning point in Shazia’s life was when she started doing things for herself. Once she got in touch with her desires and what she truly wanted, that was when she started manifesting things in her life in a positive way.Her advice is to start somewhere, 2-3 things. Even if all you want and need for the day is a hot shower, then take that shower!This will, of course, build into much more substantial desires and outcomes once you have sat with your thoughts and desires longer.Transparency Translates to Deeper Connection and IntimacyShazia says in her past marriage, she didn’t have the opportunity to be intimate. Her needs were not being met. But with her soulmate, her intimacy is on a whole other level, as he puts it.So, because Shazia is now the person...

My guest is Heidi Crockett. She is a highly qualified sexual health educator and speaker on stress and sex. She is also the author of The Neuroscience of Dating and Caregiver Stress: Neurobiology to the Rescue. In addition, Heidi is a licensed psychotherapist and studied sexual health postgraduate at the University of Michigan.In this episode, Heidi takes on through the wide world of neuroscience, mindfulness, and sexuality. Some of the subject matter she talks about may sound technical, but Heidi explains it a clear and compelling way.Listen in and learn a ton about relational neuroscience, meditation, and even dating!Yes Brain in the Bedroom – it’s Relational NeuroscienceIt’s technically called interpersonal neurobiology, but because that’s even more of a mouthful than relational neuroscience, the latter wins out for this episode!It’s an interdisciplinary science, meaning that it spans across multiple scientific disciplines and schools of thought into an eclectic field. And at the heart of it is called ‘integration’.This means that a combination of differentiation and linkage lead to integration. In other words, if while listening to this episode, you actively start to notice your breath while you are listening to Heidi speak, you are differentiating her words from your internal experience. This is called ‘sifting’. Moving beyond this, once you move back to Heidi’s words and understand new terms she introduces, you can link back up within the context that she frames.For more on this and a breakdown of relational neuroscience, including how our brain relates to its outside environment, listen in! Heidi does a great job of explaining the science in a digestible way.Examples of Low and High IntegrationUsing addiction as a framework for explaining the varying levels of integration, Heidi explains that low integration has more to do with someone who is reactive and impulsive. And by reactive, this means that they function on a trigger-action-reward basis as underlined by Judson Brewer in his book, The Craving Mind.High integration, on the other hand, has more to do with inhibiting those reactive and impulsive behaviors.So in the context of the bedroom, it is much easier to go on autopilot, as Heidi states. This means on average we all tend to be low integration in the bedroom, instead of inhibiting the trigger-action-reward state and work towards high integration practices.Much more within!The Power of MeditationHeidi says that the secret sauce for good sex has to do with kindness and compassion for others. She mentions Daniel Siegel’s book Aware as an inspiration for the power of meditation and the three pillars of awareness that he talks about; but she also mentions that meditation quiets down the Default Mode Network in the brain.The Default Mode Network has to do with the “I” part of the brain that is on in the background, and which we can usually relate to autopilot types of thinking. It is the baseline mode of consciousness. Meditation can quiet the DFN and lead to more awareness, which in turn leads to a present awareness in the bedroom!This is just a small portion of what Heidi talks about though. Check it out!How This All Applies to SexWhen considering meditation and how this relates to differentiation, linkage, and integration, there are a number of exercises that can be utilized for better sex using these principles. For those who may feel pressured to perform, where touch escalates and the pressures of performance can lead to anxiety or a sudden lack of desire, mindfulness can help in a real way.When talking about a couple and each of their own unique means of arousal, Heidi says that the goal is to differentiate what turns each person on. A couple wants to be comfortable with their desire and ability to become...

My guest is Heidi Crockett. She is a highly qualified sexual health educator and speaker on stress and sex. She is also the author of The Neuroscience of Dating and Caregiver Stress: Neurobiology to the Rescue. In addition, Heidi is a licensed psychotherapist and studied sexual health postgraduate at the University of Michigan.In this episode, Heidi takes on through the wide world of neuroscience, mindfulness, and sexuality. Some of the subject matter she talks about may sound technical, but Heidi explains it a clear and compelling way.Listen in and learn a ton about relational neuroscience, meditation, and even dating!Yes Brain in the Bedroom – it’s Relational NeuroscienceIt’s technically called interpersonal neurobiology, but because that’s even more of a mouthful than relational neuroscience, the latter wins out for this episode!It’s an interdisciplinary science, meaning that it spans across multiple scientific disciplines and schools of thought into an eclectic field. And at the heart of it is called ‘integration’.This means that a combination of differentiation and linkage lead to integration. In other words, if while listening to this episode, you actively start to notice your breath while you are listening to Heidi speak, you are differentiating her words from your internal experience. This is called ‘sifting’. Moving beyond this, once you move back to Heidi’s words and understand new terms she introduces, you can link back up within the context that she frames.For more on this and a breakdown of relational neuroscience, including how our brain relates to its outside environment, listen in! Heidi does a great job of explaining the science in a digestible way.Examples of Low and High IntegrationUsing addiction as a framework for explaining the varying levels of integration, Heidi explains that low integration has more to do with someone who is reactive and impulsive. And by reactive, this means that they function on a trigger-action-reward basis as underlined by Judson Brewer in his book, The Craving Mind.High integration, on the other hand, has more to do with inhibiting those reactive and impulsive behaviors.So in the context of the bedroom, it is much easier to go on autopilot, as Heidi states. This means on average we all tend to be low integration in the bedroom, instead of inhibiting the trigger-action-reward state and work towards high integration practices.Much more within!The Power of MeditationHeidi says that the secret sauce for good sex has to do with kindness and compassion for others. She mentions Daniel Siegel’s book Aware as an inspiration for the power of meditation and the three pillars of awareness that he talks about; but she also mentions that meditation quiets down the Default Mode Network in the brain.The Default Mode Network has to do with the “I” part of the brain that is on in the background, and which we can usually relate to autopilot types of thinking. It is the baseline mode of consciousness. Meditation can quiet the DFN and lead to more awareness, which in turn leads to a present awareness in the bedroom!This is just a small portion of what Heidi talks about though. Check it out!How This All Applies to SexWhen considering meditation and how this relates to differentiation, linkage, and integration, there are a number of exercises that can be utilized for better sex using these principles. For those who may feel pressured to perform, where touch escalates and the pressures of performance can lead to anxiety or a sudden lack of desire, mindfulness can help in a real way.When talking about a couple and each of their own unique means of arousal, Heidi says that the goal is to differentiate what turns each person on. A couple wants to be comfortable with their desire and ability to become...

My guest is Jim Fleckenstein. He is a coach and educator on sexuality. He is also a researcher who focuses predominantly on non-exclusive relationships and how they affect the individuals involved. He is an expert in consensual non-monogamy and a wellspring of knowledge and insight, which he graciously shares in this episode.Jim shares stats and information on consensual non-monogamy, how those who practice it are reporting an overwhelming amount of satisfaction and happiness, how emotional needs have a lot to do with those who are drawn towards it, and how these relationship structures are actually much more common than you may have realized.This is just the tip of the iceberg of this discussion though. Listen along and learn a lot about this interesting topic!The Three Main Divisions of Consensual Non-MonogamyTo start the interview, Jim breaks down consensual non-monogamy into polyamory, swinging, and open relationships.Polyamory is separate from the others because there is a chance for a deep emotional connection to be reinforced. While the others are more reserved for sexual acts, polyamory is can delve into the emotional as well as the sexual components of a relationship.Jim says that swinging is probably the oldest of the trio. And for those who don’t know, it’s a couple-centric act where couples work hard to establish an emotional wall to prevent emotional developments. They also don’t have sex independently of one another.And in open relationships, partners are free to seek sexual liaisons outside of the primary relationship. Emotional connection is not established, and unlike swingers, they don’t participate in sexual acts together but do their own thing instead.Jim says much more within the episode. Listen along!The Reasons Why Certain People Prefer Consensual Non-MonogamyFor the reasons why people go the non-monogamous route, Jim says it has a lot to do with the emotional needs of the person. He says the question of “what is it that I am trying to attain here?” is a great question to ask to evaluate your emotional needs.Your needs will determine which version of consensual non-monogamy that you gravitate towards and want to eventually practice–if you do end up deciding that your emotional needs warrant the lifestyle, of course.Jim also talks about the boundaries that are established and how respecting those boundaries is important for the healthy functioning of any consensual non-monogamous relationship. Tune in!How Many People are Practicing?Jim says that it’s difficult to have an accurate number or statistic for those who practice non-monogamous relationships. This is due to the fact that individuals can lose their jobs and their kids because of it, and in addition, it is still highly stigmatized in our country. This leads to a lot of people practicing in clandestine ways.So, because of these factors, it’s hard to trust the surveys and numbers out there. But according to the stats, Jim says that somewhere between 2-7% of all relationships are practiced through one of the three divisions of consensual non-monogamy.The Importance of EducationJim shares a lot of important information on how people learn about polyamory or swinging by attending educational events where people discuss consensual non-monogamy in a non-sexual environment.Often the trepidations that occur can be alleviated through more understanding. And as is brought up during the episode, some of the concerns of being pressured by a partner into swinging or an open relationship can be addressed once more information is processed. He also makes it clear this needs to be a mutual decision.Who knows, maybe all it takes is a couple of events and you will comfortable enough with shifting your relationship dynamic! Maybe it will confirm your anxiety....

My guest is Jim Fleckenstein. He is a coach and educator on sexuality. He is also a researcher who focuses predominantly on non-exclusive relationships and how they affect the individuals involved. He is an expert in consensual non-monogamy and a wellspring of knowledge and insight, which he graciously shares in this episode.Jim shares stats and information on consensual non-monogamy, how those who practice it are reporting an overwhelming amount of satisfaction and happiness, how emotional needs have a lot to do with those who are drawn towards it, and how these relationship structures are actually much more common than you may have realized.This is just the tip of the iceberg of this discussion though. Listen along and learn a lot about this interesting topic!The Three Main Divisions of Consensual Non-MonogamyTo start the interview, Jim breaks down consensual non-monogamy into polyamory, swinging, and open relationships.Polyamory is separate from the others because there is a chance for a deep emotional connection to be reinforced. While the others are more reserved for sexual acts, polyamory is can delve into the emotional as well as the sexual components of a relationship.Jim says that swinging is probably the oldest of the trio. And for those who don’t know, it’s a couple-centric act where couples work hard to establish an emotional wall to prevent emotional developments. They also don’t have sex independently of one another.And in open relationships, partners are free to seek sexual liaisons outside of the primary relationship. Emotional connection is not established, and unlike swingers, they don’t participate in sexual acts together but do their own thing instead.Jim says much more within the episode. Listen along!The Reasons Why Certain People Prefer Consensual Non-MonogamyFor the reasons why people go the non-monogamous route, Jim says it has a lot to do with the emotional needs of the person. He says the question of “what is it that I am trying to attain here?” is a great question to ask to evaluate your emotional needs.Your needs will determine which version of consensual non-monogamy that you gravitate towards and want to eventually practice–if you do end up deciding that your emotional needs warrant the lifestyle, of course.Jim also talks about the boundaries that are established and how respecting those boundaries is important for the healthy functioning of any consensual non-monogamous relationship. Tune in!How Many People are Practicing?Jim says that it’s difficult to have an accurate number or statistic for those who practice non-monogamous relationships. This is due to the fact that individuals can lose their jobs and their kids because of it, and in addition, it is still highly stigmatized in our country. This leads to a lot of people practicing in clandestine ways.So, because of these factors, it’s hard to trust the surveys and numbers out there. But according to the stats, Jim says that somewhere between 2-7% of all relationships are practiced through one of the three divisions of consensual non-monogamy.The Importance of EducationJim shares a lot of important information on how people learn about polyamory or swinging by attending educational events where people discuss consensual non-monogamy in a non-sexual environment.Often the trepidations that occur can be alleviated through more understanding. And as is brought up during the episode, some of the concerns of being pressured by a partner into swinging or an open relationship can be addressed once more information is processed. He also makes it clear this needs to be a mutual decision.Who knows, maybe all it takes is a couple of events and you will comfortable enough with shifting your relationship dynamic! Maybe it will confirm your anxiety....

Signs of sexual trauma in childrenMy guest for this episode is Amy Lang: she has been teaching sex for over 25 years now with an emphasis on teaching kids about sexuality in an effective, healthy way. Amy has a Master’s degree in Applied Behavioral Science. She started her foray into sexual education as a hobby, but she soon made her own company once she realized how uncomfortable she was with talking to her son about sex.Amy’s company is Birds and Bees and Kids. Currently, she educates parents to properly communicate and teach their own children about sex.In this episode, we talk about educating children about sex. Specifically, we give a lot of attention to sexual abuse topics, noticing red flags in your child’s sexual development or behavior, and what to do if your child comes forward as a victim (or a perpetrator) of sexual abuse.These are heavy topics, but they are far too important to ignore.Normal Sexual Behaviors and When to be ConcernedAmy says that typical sexual behavior includes what she calls ‘penis meetings’ and ‘vulva conventions’–or other types of behaviors that are based on natural anatomical curiosity between other children. This type of experimentation is normal for all kids.Ages 9-12 is when the experimentation ramps up and can get a little more serious, as porn is typical first viewed within this age range. And then as kids hit the 13-16 age range, Amy says that “all bets are off. They are pretty much doing everything.”Amy says that a way to assess if your child’s sexual behavior is something to be concerned about is just to listen to what they’re saying. If the language sounds adult-like and too established for their age, that is a red flag. And when it comes to self-stimulation, any age for children is normal to start. But it is a red flag if the child is self-stimulating in public on a consistent basis.She goes into much more detail and expands upon this topic within the talk, including a few anecdotes that clarify some of these red-flag behaviors.Our Compulsion to Report Sexual Abuse in ChildrenAs Amy points out, adults have a tendency to report any sexualized behaviors in children as a result of sexual abuse when that’s often not the case. Children commonly experiment and discover their bodies in very demonstrative ways, and this is natural.So, shaming kids that exhibit these natural behaviors can be very harmful. Yes, in a public setting, there are boundaries that should be upheld. But corrections that are made shouldn’t be done in a way that shames the natural expression of a child’s sexuality. Communicating in a clear, kind, and simple way is the best way.Of course, though, there are instances where sexual abuse does happen. Some of the red flags for sexual abuse are if the behavior is adult-like, if the behavior is repeated despite multiple corrections, and if the behavior is not between two kids of similar age–say a discrepancy of 3 or more years.For more on this, including red flags between siblings, listen along.Advice for Parents if a Child Discloses AbuseYour natural response would be to react emotionally and get angry if your child came forth and disclosed any sexual abuse that they experienced. Amy advises parents in this situation to stay as calm as possible after your initial reaction. And then ask the important questions in a calm manner: the who, what, when, and where of the abuse. Being gentle is key in this time.She gives some very valuable tips and advice within this section of the interview that everyone should check out, including information on therapy, what to do after sexual abuse, and the complications and confusions that can occur during an abuse.Handle Concerns CalmlyThere are aberrant sexual behaviors, and there is normal sexual experimentation between children. As a parent,...

Signs of sexual trauma in childrenMy guest for this episode is Amy Lang: she has been teaching sex for over 25 years now with an emphasis on teaching kids about sexuality in an effective, healthy way. Amy has a Master’s degree in Applied Behavioral Science. She started her foray into sexual education as a hobby, but she soon made her own company once she realized how uncomfortable she was with talking to her son about sex.Amy’s company is Birds and Bees and Kids. Currently, she educates parents to properly communicate and teach their own children about sex.In this episode, we talk about educating children about sex. Specifically, we give a lot of attention to sexual abuse topics, noticing red flags in your child’s sexual development or behavior, and what to do if your child comes forward as a victim (or a perpetrator) of sexual abuse.These are heavy topics, but they are far too important to ignore.Normal Sexual Behaviors and When to be ConcernedAmy says that typical sexual behavior includes what she calls ‘penis meetings’ and ‘vulva conventions’–or other types of behaviors that are based on natural anatomical curiosity between other children. This type of experimentation is normal for all kids.Ages 9-12 is when the experimentation ramps up and can get a little more serious, as porn is typical first viewed within this age range. And then as kids hit the 13-16 age range, Amy says that “all bets are off. They are pretty much doing everything.”Amy says that a way to assess if your child’s sexual behavior is something to be concerned about is just to listen to what they’re saying. If the language sounds adult-like and too established for their age, that is a red flag. And when it comes to self-stimulation, any age for children is normal to start. But it is a red flag if the child is self-stimulating in public on a consistent basis.She goes into much more detail and expands upon this topic within the talk, including a few anecdotes that clarify some of these red-flag behaviors.Our Compulsion to Report Sexual Abuse in ChildrenAs Amy points out, adults have a tendency to report any sexualized behaviors in children as a result of sexual abuse when that’s often not the case. Children commonly experiment and discover their bodies in very demonstrative ways, and this is natural.So, shaming kids that exhibit these natural behaviors can be very harmful. Yes, in a public setting, there are boundaries that should be upheld. But corrections that are made shouldn’t be done in a way that shames the natural expression of a child’s sexuality. Communicating in a clear, kind, and simple way is the best way.Of course, though, there are instances where sexual abuse does happen. Some of the red flags for sexual abuse are if the behavior is adult-like, if the behavior is repeated despite multiple corrections, and if the behavior is not between two kids of similar age–say a discrepancy of 3 or more years.For more on this, including red flags between siblings, listen along.Advice for Parents if a Child Discloses AbuseYour natural response would be to react emotionally and get angry if your child came forth and disclosed any sexual abuse that they experienced. Amy advises parents in this situation to stay as calm as possible after your initial reaction. And then ask the important questions in a calm manner: the who, what, when, and where of the abuse. Being gentle is key in this time.She gives some very valuable tips and advice within this section of the interview that everyone should check out, including information on therapy, what to do after sexual abuse, and the complications and confusions that can occur during an abuse.Handle Concerns CalmlyThere are aberrant sexual behaviors, and there is normal sexual experimentation between children. As a parent,...

This episode is a wealth of information. It is delivered by the expert guidance of guest Dr. Sheila Addison and covers many important elements of transgender and cisgender relationships, the transgender community in general, post-surgery sex, sex between cisgender and transgender partners, how identities are designated at birth, the psychology and complexities of gender identity, and that’s just the tip of the iceberg!Dr. Sheila has a PhD in Marriage and Family Therapy. She has a private practice where her client base is about as diverse as it gets, ranging from LBGTQ to Poly Friendly and more. She has an amazing mind and qualified to boot, and her message is absolutely, overwhelmingly important when considering the challenges that the transgender community face and what cisgender people can do to help!Transgender Versus CisgenderTo start, Dr. Sheila reminds listeners that we have all been designated as a ‘boy’ or ‘girl’ at birth. This excludes a small number of people who are born as “intersex”, which means their genitals are ambiguous and thus difficult to determine definitively (Gender isn’t binary in any sense – whether you’re talking about genitals or chromosomes; maybe another episode on this later). But for the majority of people, the gender they are assigned at birth fits with their gender identity as they develop throughout life. If you fall into the category, you are cisgender. The ‘cis’ prefix corresponds to mean ‘same’.On the other end of the spectrum, if you haven’t positively identified with the gender that was assigned to you at birth, you are transgender.For those who are born without a clear designation of male or female, the gender identity process can be much more complex than the binary ‘boy or girl’ designations that normally occur at birth. Dr. Sheila eloquently explains the nuances during the talk. Listen in!The Importance of Furthering Education on Gender IdentityDr. Sheila stresses the importance of seeing cisgender and transgender as identities and not conditions. As the nomenclature has shifted and the identities have garnered more societal understanding, Sheila still wishes we that we all had more comprehensive learning opportunities for the cisgender/transgender relationship dynamic and everything the identity entails.Sheila states that an important place to start is being educated enough on the topic to know which questions to ask. And because it’s inevitable that transgender and cisgender individuals will become romantically and sexually involved, the sooner efforts are taken for a balanced understanding, the better.On a Cisgender and Transgender RelationshipProviding comfort for a transgender individual is an important role for a cisgender person. This means that the cisgender person is not trying to process the challenges of being transgender so much, but just communicating and giving comfort. She talks about the importance of getting the guidance of a good couple’s therapist–one who can spearhead and direct the processing of certain emotions and feelings.In addition to this very important component, Sheila also devotes some time to discuss the importance of the social aspect of gender identity. She also talks about making sure you understand what your transgender partner is envisioning when they talk about transitioning, and so forth. Really, really important information within.Transgender Surgery and Sexual ExpectationsThis is a rich part of the interview. There’s a lot of ground that is covered and listening along is a must. But to summarize a few important elements: communicating about physical expectations after surgery is very important for sex. There are many variations and options for each individual, so having discussions about expectations is crucial.And because genitalia will function the same after surgery, during a transition from...

This episode is a wealth of information. It is delivered by the expert guidance of guest Dr. Sheila Addison and covers many important elements of transgender and cisgender relationships, the transgender community in general, post-surgery sex, sex between cisgender and transgender partners, how identities are designated at birth, the psychology and complexities of gender identity, and that’s just the tip of the iceberg!Dr. Sheila has a PhD in Marriage and Family Therapy. She has a private practice where her client base is about as diverse as it gets, ranging from LBGTQ to Poly Friendly and more. She has an amazing mind and qualified to boot, and her message is absolutely, overwhelmingly important when considering the challenges that the transgender community face and what cisgender people can do to help!Transgender Versus CisgenderTo start, Dr. Sheila reminds listeners that we have all been designated as a ‘boy’ or ‘girl’ at birth. This excludes a small number of people who are born as “intersex”, which means their genitals are ambiguous and thus difficult to determine definitively (Gender isn’t binary in any sense – whether you’re talking about genitals or chromosomes; maybe another episode on this later). But for the majority of people, the gender they are assigned at birth fits with their gender identity as they develop throughout life. If you fall into the category, you are cisgender. The ‘cis’ prefix corresponds to mean ‘same’.On the other end of the spectrum, if you haven’t positively identified with the gender that was assigned to you at birth, you are transgender.For those who are born without a clear designation of male or female, the gender identity process can be much more complex than the binary ‘boy or girl’ designations that normally occur at birth. Dr. Sheila eloquently explains the nuances during the talk. Listen in!The Importance of Furthering Education on Gender IdentityDr. Sheila stresses the importance of seeing cisgender and transgender as identities and not conditions. As the nomenclature has shifted and the identities have garnered more societal understanding, Sheila still wishes we that we all had more comprehensive learning opportunities for the cisgender/transgender relationship dynamic and everything the identity entails.Sheila states that an important place to start is being educated enough on the topic to know which questions to ask. And because it’s inevitable that transgender and cisgender individuals will become romantically and sexually involved, the sooner efforts are taken for a balanced understanding, the better.On a Cisgender and Transgender RelationshipProviding comfort for a transgender individual is an important role for a cisgender person. This means that the cisgender person is not trying to process the challenges of being transgender so much, but just communicating and giving comfort. She talks about the importance of getting the guidance of a good couple’s therapist–one who can spearhead and direct the processing of certain emotions and feelings.In addition to this very important component, Sheila also devotes some time to discuss the importance of the social aspect of gender identity. She also talks about making sure you understand what your transgender partner is envisioning when they talk about transitioning, and so forth. Really, really important information within.Transgender Surgery and Sexual ExpectationsThis is a rich part of the interview. There’s a lot of ground that is covered and listening along is a must. But to summarize a few important elements: communicating about physical expectations after surgery is very important for sex. There are many variations and options for each individual, so having discussions about expectations is crucial.And because genitalia will function the same after surgery, during a transition from...

In this episode of the Better Sex Podcast, it is my honor to welcome DJ as he shares his personal journey with you. Having people come in and share the details of their life is one of the best parts of this platform!DJ is a therapist who works in the Seattle area. He specifically works with patients who are struggling with sexual addiction, codependency, and other process addictions. He is the best-selling author of I Just Wanted Love: Recovery of a Sex and Love Addict, and his story is one of bravery, honesty, and hope.Listen along and learn more DJ’s story!Key Moments in DJ’s Life That Led to RealizationAs DJ shares early in the interview, it wasn’t until he moved from Georgia to Seattle that he began to realize the extent of his psychological hang-ups. Before, he had moved from place to place in an attempt to run from his problems, but he soon began to grasp his compulsions with more clarity.While DJ was in Georgia, he experienced relationship problems. As he says during the talk, “when you talk about being gay in the south, you don’t get a lot of support.” And on top of this, same-sex marriage was illegal at the time, so DJ and his partner decided to move to Seattle.At this point in his life, DJ was exhausted from his caregiving profession. Being a natural caregiver, DJ had always found ways to give more to others than himself. But that certainly sapped a lot of energy from DJ. He needed a break! Soon though, he realized he had been in a dysfunctional relationship with his husband from day one.Hear this part of DJ story in his own words. Listen along!Other Problems That DJ Faced at the TimeHe says that he struggled with poorly established boundaries in his relationship, as well as codependency that manifested itself in a ‘fix-it’ mentality for DJ. He states that fixing people and things are all he’s always known. And so his relationship made it hard for him to shake that compulsion.DJ also talks about how difficult it was to have a partner who stored porn on a hard drive and who viewed it regularly, sometimes sitting right next to DJ on the couch. This negatively affected DJ’s self-esteem and desire to be available for sex.His insecurities got so severe that he says he was drowning his sorrows in alcohol and porn himself. All of this after his partner started regularly meeting up with a porn star for dinner.DJ discusses more about this time in his life during the interview.New Relationship, Same ScenarioShortly after moving to Seattle, DJ tells us that he and his partner split up. This was just 2 weeks after moving, so DJ didn’t have a job and tried his hardest to get enough money to move out of the apartment he shared with his ex.He got a job and then found himself in a new relationship. But it soon became the same old relationship dynamic he had always known.After he got married again, that’s when his sex addiction showed up.DJ’s Sex AddictionOnce he was married again and living in Seattle, he and his partner decided to pursue an open relationship. They both were curious about the dynamic, and from within that framework, they embraced the lifestyle.DJ said he was immediately hooked. He and his partner had originally pursed outside relationships together, but they soon branched off and did their own thing within the set of rules they had laid out.But coupled with a drinking problem and an increasingly growing sexual appetite, DJ started to realize that he was in trouble. This realization came from a shocking physical confrontation and his spiral out of control.DJ’s Recovery ProcessOnce DJ’s partner agreed to go to treatment for his alcohol addiction, DJ realized his struggles and addictions. He says that when he filled out the assessment for Co-Dependents Anonymous, he checked off every...

In this episode of the Better Sex Podcast, it is my honor to welcome DJ as he shares his personal journey with you. Having people come in and share the details of their life is one of the best parts of this platform!DJ is a therapist who works in the Seattle area. He specifically works with patients who are struggling with sexual addiction, codependency, and other process addictions. He is the best-selling author of I Just Wanted Love: Recovery of a Sex and Love Addict, and his story is one of bravery, honesty, and hope.Listen along and learn more DJ’s story!Key Moments in DJ’s Life That Led to RealizationAs DJ shares early in the interview, it wasn’t until he moved from Georgia to Seattle that he began to realize the extent of his psychological hang-ups. Before, he had moved from place to place in an attempt to run from his problems, but he soon began to grasp his compulsions with more clarity.While DJ was in Georgia, he experienced relationship problems. As he says during the talk, “when you talk about being gay in the south, you don’t get a lot of support.” And on top of this, same-sex marriage was illegal at the time, so DJ and his partner decided to move to Seattle.At this point in his life, DJ was exhausted from his caregiving profession. Being a natural caregiver, DJ had always found ways to give more to others than himself. But that certainly sapped a lot of energy from DJ. He needed a break! Soon though, he realized he had been in a dysfunctional relationship with his husband from day one.Hear this part of DJ story in his own words. Listen along!Other Problems That DJ Faced at the TimeHe says that he struggled with poorly established boundaries in his relationship, as well as codependency that manifested itself in a ‘fix-it’ mentality for DJ. He states that fixing people and things are all he’s always known. And so his relationship made it hard for him to shake that compulsion.DJ also talks about how difficult it was to have a partner who stored porn on a hard drive and who viewed it regularly, sometimes sitting right next to DJ on the couch. This negatively affected DJ’s self-esteem and desire to be available for sex.His insecurities got so severe that he says he was drowning his sorrows in alcohol and porn himself. All of this after his partner started regularly meeting up with a porn star for dinner.DJ discusses more about this time in his life during the interview.New Relationship, Same ScenarioShortly after moving to Seattle, DJ tells us that he and his partner split up. This was just 2 weeks after moving, so DJ didn’t have a job and tried his hardest to get enough money to move out of the apartment he shared with his ex.He got a job and then found himself in a new relationship. But it soon became the same old relationship dynamic he had always known.After he got married again, that’s when his sex addiction showed up.DJ’s Sex AddictionOnce he was married again and living in Seattle, he and his partner decided to pursue an open relationship. They both were curious about the dynamic, and from within that framework, they embraced the lifestyle.DJ said he was immediately hooked. He and his partner had originally pursed outside relationships together, but they soon branched off and did their own thing within the set of rules they had laid out.But coupled with a drinking problem and an increasingly growing sexual appetite, DJ started to realize that he was in trouble. This realization came from a shocking physical confrontation and his spiral out of control.DJ’s Recovery ProcessOnce DJ’s partner agreed to go to treatment for his alcohol addiction, DJ realized his struggles and addictions. He says that when he filled out the assessment for Co-Dependents Anonymous, he checked off every...

My guest is Dr. Lori Brotto. She works at the University of British Columbia Department of Obstetrics and Gynecology. Lori has a Ph.D. in psychology with an emphasis in psychophysiology. She is a practicing psychologist and also spearheads a lab, which focuses on mindfulness-based approaches for the sexual health of women.And within this episode, she talks specifically about mindfulness and its many powerful applications to sexuality, alleviating sexual dysfunction and performance anxiety, and overall increasing the enjoyability of sex in general. There’s so much to say about experiencing each and every moment. Listen along and enjoy!Defining MindfulnessAs Dr. Lori states, mindfulness is derived from a larger form of meditation practice called ‘mindfulness meditation’. This discipline has deep cultural and historical roots of about 3,000 years. Mindfulness meditation practices are entrenched in Buddhist worldviews, but in the past four decades or so, mindfulness has undergone a secular shift, which explains its prevalence in the mainstream.In its most simple form, mindfulness means a present, non-judgmental awareness of every moment. Everything is just observed, as Lori states, meaning that any existing anxiety or insertion of judgment is cast aside for the experience of the now.Overlap of Mindfulness and SexLori states that something clicked during her work with women who were fundamentally disconnected from their bodies during sex. This means that a lot of women were reporting a lack of physical arousal and being present with physical sensation–which is a pretty common report after all. Lori was wondering if there was a way to apply traditional mindfulness practices with sex, as a way for women to reconnect with their bodies and thus experience sex on a much deeper, physical level.For more on the research, studies, and overall preparation and insight that went into these findings, Lori says more during the episode!The Many Applications of Mindfulness for Men and WomenAs Lori states, mindfulness is an extremely effective and important intervention because about a third of women are on the lower spectrum for sexual desire and interest; in fact, mindfulness has been shown to increase the levels of desire for most women. In addition, populations of women who experience heightened vaginal pain have benefited, as well as men who have survived prostate cancer.Because the majority of men who undergo prostate cancer treatments are subjected to permanent erectile difficulties, mindfulness can be applied with very beneficial results–not from a physical standpoint, but as a way to shift the understanding of sexual satisfaction and to discover new approaches towards a satisfying sex life.Listen along for more!Recommendations for Practicing Mindful SexLori says that she recommends that you first practice mindfulness outside of a sexual context. So, instead of just jumping in and trying mindful sex right away, practicing it at least 15 minutes a day is recommended.This means just being present in whatever moment you are in, being aware, and cultivating the necessary attentional skills. This can involve a ‘body scan’, where the participant follows along with an audio guide or through self-guidance.And after about 4 weeks of body scan practices, usually, a visual sensation is added into the practice with a mirror and to various body parts, noting and being aware of the various sensations. The purpose of all this being that the sexual side of the practice is gradually introduced.Listen along to hear more about this!Alternatives to the Body ScanWhen asked if there were other options beside the body scan, Dr. Lori provided plenty of practices that cultivate mindfulness just as well.You can practice ‘eating meditation’ or just mindful eating where...

My guest is Dr. Lori Brotto. She works at the University of British Columbia Department of Obstetrics and Gynecology. Lori has a Ph.D. in psychology with an emphasis in psychophysiology. She is a practicing psychologist and also spearheads a lab, which focuses on mindfulness-based approaches for the sexual health of women.And within this episode, she talks specifically about mindfulness and its many powerful applications to sexuality, alleviating sexual dysfunction and performance anxiety, and overall increasing the enjoyability of sex in general. There’s so much to say about experiencing each and every moment. Listen along and enjoy!Defining MindfulnessAs Dr. Lori states, mindfulness is derived from a larger form of meditation practice called ‘mindfulness meditation’. This discipline has deep cultural and historical roots of about 3,000 years. Mindfulness meditation practices are entrenched in Buddhist worldviews, but in the past four decades or so, mindfulness has undergone a secular shift, which explains its prevalence in the mainstream.In its most simple form, mindfulness means a present, non-judgmental awareness of every moment. Everything is just observed, as Lori states, meaning that any existing anxiety or insertion of judgment is cast aside for the experience of the now.Overlap of Mindfulness and SexLori states that something clicked during her work with women who were fundamentally disconnected from their bodies during sex. This means that a lot of women were reporting a lack of physical arousal and being present with physical sensation–which is a pretty common report after all. Lori was wondering if there was a way to apply traditional mindfulness practices with sex, as a way for women to reconnect with their bodies and thus experience sex on a much deeper, physical level.For more on the research, studies, and overall preparation and insight that went into these findings, Lori says more during the episode!The Many Applications of Mindfulness for Men and WomenAs Lori states, mindfulness is an extremely effective and important intervention because about a third of women are on the lower spectrum for sexual desire and interest; in fact, mindfulness has been shown to increase the levels of desire for most women. In addition, populations of women who experience heightened vaginal pain have benefited, as well as men who have survived prostate cancer.Because the majority of men who undergo prostate cancer treatments are subjected to permanent erectile difficulties, mindfulness can be applied with very beneficial results–not from a physical standpoint, but as a way to shift the understanding of sexual satisfaction and to discover new approaches towards a satisfying sex life.Listen along for more!Recommendations for Practicing Mindful SexLori says that she recommends that you first practice mindfulness outside of a sexual context. So, instead of just jumping in and trying mindful sex right away, practicing it at least 15 minutes a day is recommended.This means just being present in whatever moment you are in, being aware, and cultivating the necessary attentional skills. This can involve a ‘body scan’, where the participant follows along with an audio guide or through self-guidance.And after about 4 weeks of body scan practices, usually, a visual sensation is added into the practice with a mirror and to various body parts, noting and being aware of the various sensations. The purpose of all this being that the sexual side of the practice is gradually introduced.Listen along to hear more about this!Alternatives to the Body ScanWhen asked if there were other options beside the body scan, Dr. Lori provided plenty of practices that cultivate mindfulness just as well.You can practice ‘eating meditation’ or just mindful eating where...

Sexual Health within the Christian FaithStarting with a little background on Rachel, she is a psychotherapist who works with clients who have experienced trauma and in sexuality in general. When considering her certification, she has been certified through AASECT and is a part of the American Academy of Psychotherapists. Rachel has long been equal parts fascinated and troubled by the suppression of sexuality from the church, and she looks to bridge the gap between a healthy practice and expression of sexuality and faith.Dr. Beverly Dale is a Reverend and received her Doctor of Ministry from the Chicago Theological Seminary. She is also the founder of the Incarnation Institute for Sex & Faith, which has the mission of bringing a positive perception of sex for all involved.Both Rachel and Beverly wrote a book called Advancing Sexual Health for the Christian Client which will be released soon! And in this episode, they both discuss the needless negative stigma that surrounds sexuality from a church’s perspective: both in doctrine as well as practice. They provide an analysis as well as solutions.Really impactful stuff that I know you’ll get a lot out of! Listen along.Their New Book!They both wrote to give a resource to those who might be tied up with their Christian faith and yet are facing seemingly insurmountable sexual problems. The book is a major step towards providing solutions for the sort of sexual gridlock that may occur.And the book wasn’t just designed with Christians in mind, but those who may have moved on from Christianity as well and are seeking sexual healing or are looking for answers to pressing questions. This is expanded upon in the talk where the distinction between a client’s belief and their faith is clarified. Listen in for that!Deconstructing BeliefThey approach their clients through the lens of showing that beliefs are separate from experience. Because the church teaches certain principles and gives commandments, a lot of time clients tend to equate the commandments with the faith experience, and both Beverly and Rachel are working diligently to shift perceptions. Without being able to separate belief from experience, healing in the sexual realm is much more difficult.Reconstructing the Christian NarrativeThose with the most power tend to write history. And as Beverly states about the many forms of the Christian narrative and practice during the heyday of the Greco-Romans, Christianity used to be much more sexually oriented and positive. But because bodies were not as central to the Greco-Roman zeitgeist, conformity to a much less inclusive version of Christianity was a result. Beverly and Rachel look to remind people that the Christianity we have today is much different than it used to be. And in fact, one of the reasons that Jesus was so radical at the time was that he didn’t conform to the misogynistic culture of the Romans.A really interesting look into history. Check them out!Impacts of the Church’s Sexual NegativityThe most common, which most of us have experienced, is sexual shame or guilt. And a lot of the work that Rachel and Beverly do is provide examples of how shame cycles and negatively impact lives. In addition, they aren’t spiritual advisors, they just add the necessary disruption to the normal narrative, meaning that clients are left with a little bit of cognitive dissonance on the whole subject of sexuality and the church instead of just adhering to the rules without analysis.Problematic sexual behaviors are discussed as well, especially for our youth. What often happens with the church is that young people are not given the information they need, and they spiral into porn addiction or shame and guilt that could have been prevented had they been properly sexually educated.Really listen along to this important information.

Sexual Health within the Christian FaithStarting with a little background on Rachel, she is a psychotherapist who works with clients who have experienced trauma and in sexuality in general. When considering her certification, she has been certified through AASECT and is a part of the American Academy of Psychotherapists. Rachel has long been equal parts fascinated and troubled by the suppression of sexuality from the church, and she looks to bridge the gap between a healthy practice and expression of sexuality and faith.Dr. Beverly Dale is a Reverend and received her Doctor of Ministry from the Chicago Theological Seminary. She is also the founder of the Incarnation Institute for Sex & Faith, which has the mission of bringing a positive perception of sex for all involved.Both Rachel and Beverly wrote a book called Advancing Sexual Health for the Christian Client which will be released soon! And in this episode, they both discuss the needless negative stigma that surrounds sexuality from a church’s perspective: both in doctrine as well as practice. They provide an analysis as well as solutions.Really impactful stuff that I know you’ll get a lot out of! Listen along.Their New Book!They both wrote to give a resource to those who might be tied up with their Christian faith and yet are facing seemingly insurmountable sexual problems. The book is a major step towards providing solutions for the sort of sexual gridlock that may occur.And the book wasn’t just designed with Christians in mind, but those who may have moved on from Christianity as well and are seeking sexual healing or are looking for answers to pressing questions. This is expanded upon in the talk where the distinction between a client’s belief and their faith is clarified. Listen in for that!Deconstructing BeliefThey approach their clients through the lens of showing that beliefs are separate from experience. Because the church teaches certain principles and gives commandments, a lot of time clients tend to equate the commandments with the faith experience, and both Beverly and Rachel are working diligently to shift perceptions. Without being able to separate belief from experience, healing in the sexual realm is much more difficult.Reconstructing the Christian NarrativeThose with the most power tend to write history. And as Beverly states about the many forms of the Christian narrative and practice during the heyday of the Greco-Romans, Christianity used to be much more sexually oriented and positive. But because bodies were not as central to the Greco-Roman zeitgeist, conformity to a much less inclusive version of Christianity was a result. Beverly and Rachel look to remind people that the Christianity we have today is much different than it used to be. And in fact, one of the reasons that Jesus was so radical at the time was that he didn’t conform to the misogynistic culture of the Romans.A really interesting look into history. Check them out!Impacts of the Church’s Sexual NegativityThe most common, which most of us have experienced, is sexual shame or guilt. And a lot of the work that Rachel and Beverly do is provide examples of how shame cycles and negatively impact lives. In addition, they aren’t spiritual advisors, they just add the necessary disruption to the normal narrative, meaning that clients are left with a little bit of cognitive dissonance on the whole subject of sexuality and the church instead of just adhering to the rules without analysis.Problematic sexual behaviors are discussed as well, especially for our youth. What often happens with the church is that young people are not given the information they need, and they spiral into porn addiction or shame and guilt that could have been prevented had they been properly sexually educated.Really listen along to this important information.