Thought Cops

Fragile masculinity ruins the party once again on this week's episode of THOUGHT COPS. Today, Deputy Russell joins us on Skype all the way from the cyberpunk district of Los Angeles. The smog in L.A. is apparently real bad, which explains all the coughing this episode. This week on the show, we're talking about female doctors, ketchup on hot dogs, the civil war, and accidental swastikas. Apparently a lot of people online are upset that for the first time in 50 years, British cultural icon and face-shifting television character Doctor Who is now a woman. Even though not all that many people are actually upset about it. That's just statistics though, nobody cares about those. I'm more upset about the fact that there's a large number of derelicts running around calling themselves "Whovians." Absolutely disgusting. The show runners of Game of Thrones are involved in a new television project about the south winning the Civil War, and that's upsetting a lot of people. Which is great, because nobody really even knows how they're going to handle the subject matter. Oh well. Heinz ketchup just tried pulling the wool over all of Chicago's eyes with a stupid commercial trying to pass off bottles red tomato sauce as "Chicago dog sauce." Much clever, very trick. You fucking fascists. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JtDikj2BeSk The people in this video must've been paid handsomely for that level of believable acting, because Jesus Christ, how could you possibly not know that red, tomatoey sauce is ketchup. We also cover what is and what isn't a swastika. Here's Philip "Fuck Me Eyes" DeFranco and Tariq Nasheed with an example: The above picture is totally a swastika. That's exactly what they look like. Oops. Last but not least, conservative pundit Ann Coulter started a Twitter war with delta airlines, because she's 8 years old. All that and more on this week's episode of THOUGHT COPS.

Welcome back to another episode of Thought Cops. We're still here, and we're bigger than ever. This week we're talking about net neutrality, internet censorship, women with fake hair, Green Day, bigoted boxers, and famed children's music phenomenon "Kid Rock" announces his run for Senate. But first, we take a giant shit on a rival podcast in preparation for a new segment that might be coming later in the year, "Podtober." Or Podvember. We'll figure it out. Point is, we hope to spend one month firing shots at rival podcasts sometime in the future. Next up, we talk about net neutrality, a topic neither of us know anything about. The conversation is both compelling and enlightening. We also talk about internet censorship in other countries. I'd say thank god I don't live in one of those countries, but I bet the pay for Thought Cops is better in China and North Korea. Last week we missed the opportunity to talk about the sexist dress code Congress has. I say the only dress code they need is one of orange jumpsuits, because Stephan Molyneux told me that taxation is theft. He also told me to leave my parents for putting me in time out when I was younger, except I'm in my mid 20's and don't live at home anymore anyway. Children's entertainer "Kid Rock" announced he's running for Senate. I think he wrote the song "Fruit Salad, Yummy Yummy." That might be juvenile to joke about, but you fucking picked that name, man. You picked the name "Kid Rock." You can't blame that on anybody else. Green Day also did a thing that they didn't know wasn't not a thing that shouldn't have been done, but it was done anyway without knowing that it would turn into a P.R. NIGHTMARE. It ended up being a big NOTHING BURGER though. We hope to be having some bigger guests on the show sometime soon, so please stay tuned. We just have to get Skype figured out and we'll be good to get people all over the world in on the action. In the meantime follow us on Twitter and Facebook, and leave us a review on iTunes.

Welcome to Episode 22 of Thought Cops. On this episode, we talk about stolen patents, Ryan Reynolds, bad governor jokes, and a beached whale in New Jersey. But first, our very own show's stenographer gives us a special report on an undercover case she went on in cyberpunk hipsterville at an "art" exhibit with a bunch of self-important millennials. Yes, they're real, and they too have podcasts. This is one you're not gonna want to miss. Sorry the writeups for these episodes have been getting shorter and shorter. We've been really bogged down in paperwork at the precinct. And I'm getting too damn old for this.

Check IDs before you let anyone in the door of a new episode of THOUGHT COPS. Sleepy Cops edition. This week we're once again bogged down by paperwork, so we've begun a take-no prisoners, shoot first and ask questions later approach. Which consists of us going after anyone online who uses the phrase "nothing burger," anyone who uses fidget spinners, people who bother the fuck out of other people online only to proudly display a "blocked user" screenshot, people who use the phrase "the Youtube Community," people who post porn onto Facebook, and the over the top Harry Potter references online. READ ANOTHER BOOK. Despite the fact that this episode came out late, and it's a little less adherent to the past format we've been using, this might just be the best episode we've done yet. I hope you all think so too. So buckle up motherfuckers, because the Thought Cops are back, baby! They're good again! Awwwooouuuuuuu! (Wolf howl)

Welcome to the Latest Podcast in the world, the only podcast where I post the episode 4 days late. We're backlogged with about 10,000 hours worth of paperwork. We finished it all though, so according to a TED Talk I didn't watch, we're technically experts at paperwork. This week we talk about wig-wearing reality star Gene Simmons trademarking a sign language word, two idiots I don't know online fighting about online internet things, Buzzfeed creating imaginary wage gaps, and energizing stickers you place in your vagina. We also introduce a new segment to the show, where we present the Key to the City of the cyberpunk district of Neo-Greektown. This week it's Peter Butera. Nice speech, Peter. Wanna say it in the White House? Here's the video of Peter's heroism. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hw4Le_EEI8w Thanks for the fake video, CNN. Now back to more paperwork.

Get your outrage license renewed, because it's time for another episode of THOUGHT COPS. On today's episode, we wade deep through the muck of the new Super Colonialist Bros video game, bleeping out D*nald Tr*mp's name on television, and waking Katy Perry up. I use an alarm clock, she uses a haircut and highlights. This week we're joined by Deputy Henry. Henry is in the studio to plug the concept of a full time job desk job. We also have another call in this week from Undercover Agent Robert, and we once again fucked up his operation by mentioning his name. He's giving us the scoop on Last Man Standing, now on Netflix. I also read this article from William Hicks off the website HeatStreet, which might be the funniest thing I've read in a long time. I could barely get through it. Check it out. We also get interrupted about 80 times by different emergency sirens throughout the episode, so you get to listen as my patience wears thinner and thinner. There was probably a hooker war going on outside my window or something.

Slip a rubber on, because Thought Cops just turned 18! That's right, it's another episode of your favorite outrage show. Episode 18. And because our parents didn't buy us a Ferrari for our 16th birthday, we're getting revenge on them by exposing ourselves to the world. This episode we're joined once again from BFTD Deputy Doug. Doug's got a project he's working on, BUT IT'S NOT DONE YET. So hold on for a bit longer. This week we talk about comedians and public officials using the n-word, fake protests, pottymouth CNN hosts, pills of all different colors, and tentacle porn. I also talk about how I fucked up when I appeared on another podcast. Life's been hectic for all of us, but the show's been getting better and better each week. We're considering a possible sponsorship option that's located in Chicago that might help us out with a couple of expenses. It would be great to be able to cover hosting costs, as well as other show necessities such as a third pop filter so I don't BBBBlow PPPeoPPPle's FFFFucking ears out each SSSentenCCCe. So we'll keep you all updated on that. We also want to get a wider variety of guests on, so if you know any comedians, artists, filmmakers, or anybody creative in Chicago, send them our way. We also pitch our first show contest: a Tim Allen photoshop battle. Best photoshop of Tim Allen wins a 6 pack of Fat Tires from me and a kiss on the mouth from Officer Kevin. Sorry, those are the rules. We're actually serious with this, please send us photoshopped pictures of Tim Allen. I'll actually buy you a 6 pack. Weewoo weewoo thanks for listening.

Buckle up your seat belts, because it's time for another episode of Thought Cops. This week we're joined by our own show's stenographer, to talk about all of last week's online outrage. What has she been stenographizing? Who knows! Eventually we might get some transcripts for these episodes though. But this week, we're discussing the big ugly unfunny red-haired elephant in the room: Kathy Griffin. I'd say this was a sort of "fall from grace" for Griffin, but her "grace" seems to be neither here nor there. Did Griffin cross a line? Was this warranted? Better question is, now that this happened a number of days ago, is anyone even still thinking about this? We also talk about the most exciting thing to ever happen in baseball: Apparently this outraged a bunch of people, but let's be honest: all those people are fucking idiots. This is the coolest picture I've ever seen. I'm putting this on my fridge, as my Facebook profile picture, and making my girlfriend wear a bag on her head with this picture stapled to it. We also talk about racist stereotypes in Nintendo games, the de-feminization of Kimmy Schmidt, and Chloe Grace Moretz fat shaming people with a poster she made. We also debut a new bit, Internet Headlines, as well as the return of the fan favorite bit Trump Tweets. So go ahead and check it out, subscribe, and tell your friends.

Welcome to episode SWEET 16 of Thought Cops. This week we're joined by Deputy Ron from Big Sword Panel. We talk about anime conventions, missed connections, and the most effective ways to piss people off. Number 12 will shock you. We also have Secret Undercover Agent Robert calling in to give us the scoop on Tim Allen's tragically canceled sitcom, Last Man Standing. Cue joke about Obamacare. Cue overly zealous laugh track. We've got superheroes on the brain this week, because that's the only type of movie that exists anymore. Great power, great responsibility, etc. Whatever. Even the Thought Cops movie is basically a superhero movie, but we have the decency to not force you to sit through another fucking origin story. Whether it's exclusive movie screenings that you have to be part of a “secret club” or gender to get into, or IRL family deaths causing massive outrage online, we're there to crack the case wide open like it's a reporter's reading glasses. Meanwhile, Gamer-Americans across the country express outrage at the new scenario presented in the latest addition to the Far Cry gaming franchise, Far Cry 5, Codename: White Genocide. Imagine if there was a game where someone gave you a gun, and just said “shoot,” except it happened here! In this very country! Probably nothing. We go over it at length this episode anyway. It's not all fun and games though, as people are Mad Online™ about shit that's happening here in the real world, like Richard Spencer being kicked out of a gym for being white. Oh and also a supremacist. Someone sound the lunk alarm, because between this and politicians dropping reporters on the ground, it's created a very intimidating environment for me to work out in. The stakes have never been higher, but have no fear because the Thought Cops are on the case.

Welcome to episode 15 of Thought Cops. This week we're talking about Tim Allen's show getting cancelled, much like it would've gotten cancelled in 1940's Germany, Jimmy Fallon's regrets about his infamous Trump interview, and rompers for men, or, "romp-hims." Jesus Christ. But first: think Bill Cosby is a rapist? Well you might just be a racist then. That's how we're beginning to solve crimes now in America, instead of abiding by the rule of law we've chosen to resort to mindless virtue signalling. At least that's the Thought Cops way of doing things. Better flip on the virtue signal. Continuing our ongoing story of the fight between the Antifa Babies and the Alt Righties, Gavin McInnes is disinvited from giving a speech at DePaul University all because he likes to punch people that punch him first. So I guess what he should do in the eyes of the university is take lessons from the film Rocky and just keep getting hit in the face without trying to block or dodge anything. Seriously, who taught Rocky how to box? Maybe you would've won the fight if you would've blocked at least half of those hits with something other than your face. Keep your gloves up man, Jesus. In semi-related news, Jimmy Fallon is seemingly depressed over his lighthearted interview with Donald Trump over a year ago. Maybe instead of ruffling his hair he should've taken a giant shit in his lap. Maybe that would've gotten him good ratings and would've made him more acceptable in the eyes of the general public. I like my comedians how I like my closest friends: completely in agreement with every single one of my opinions. Men are also wearing rompers now, so apparently that's a thing. Pretty soon adult diapers will be considered haute couture. You can listen to the rest of this week's bullshit on the show. Just tell your CIA-compromised Alexa to "tell you what's pissing people off this week" and it'll play our episode. Namaste.