Thought Cops

Welcome to Thought Cops! This week, we're joined by our show's Stenographer, who still hasn't done a single transcript of the show. We're going to drop her pay another 7%. What's 7% of zero? Speaking of pay, make sure to sign up for our Patreon, at patreon.com/thoughtcops. We're going to do our first bonus episode in the next week or two, and it's only $2. Hurry while supplies last! We've already started doing live streams of the episodes, which we'll be doing every week. This episode, we're talking about Bitcoin carnivores, the "RANCH!" meme, people watching Netflix while walking on public sidewalks, the Peter Rabbit controversy, and the Obama portraits. Thanks to everyone who's left reviews on iTunes recently. If you haven't yet, you can do so here. Thanks and gahbless.

Welcome to Thought Cops, Episode 53! This week we're joined by Biggest Mikey of the Biggest Mikey Podcast! You can find him on Twitter, Youtube, Patreon, iTunes, and fuckin a hundred other places if you Google his name. So make sure to give his show a listen, I think fans of this show would enjoy his show very much. This episode, Mikey helps us take down people in online bloodsports, people who use the fake movie format meme, and idiotic scientific studies that only serve to project a cartoonish worldview, much like you would see on Toon Town. But this week's top story is Black Panther getting a bad review. One person gave the movie a 3/5 on Rotten Tomatoes, and humanity decided to give him a 1/5 as a person. We're currently working on getting Rotten Tomatoes taken off the internet. We also talk about non-crunching, quiet, lady-Doritos that may or may not exist, and the backlash against Amy Schumer's new movie. Because although Amy Schumer is fat and ugly, she's not fat enough and not ugly enough for some people. Yeah, you read that right. We're gearing up to do our first bonus episode on Patreon, so make sure to subscribe here. We'll do at least one every month, and they're only $2. With "Thought Cops" being 1984 related, the name of the bonus episodes are going to be something having to do with Fahrenheit 451. Expect to see the first one within a month. We're also working on a new logo, so make sure to SUBSCRIBE TO US ON PATREON so we can pay for it! ... PATREON.

Welcome to episode 52 of Thought Cops! This week, we're joined by Dave Pretendo of SephirothSword57 fame. Here's one of his hilarious videos regarding the recent Logan Paul controversy. Take a look: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JZ_amkw3-fc This week, considering we've hit episode 52, marks almost a year since we started the podcast. So to celebrate that, we're announcing our very own PATREON! To give you the rundown, we have different rewards for monthly bonus episodes, behind the scenes videos, and much more! All the money we collect from the Patreon will go back into paying for the show's expenses, like the RSS feed and web hosting. Make sure to check it out and donate a couple bucks so we can continue to make this show the best it can be. Like always, thanks for listening. Please make sure to subscribe and review us on iTunes. Call us at 312-788-7361 and leave us a voicemail. Oh, and SUBSCRIBE TO OUR PATREON!

Welcome to episode 51 of Thought Cops! This week we're joined by Riley of the podcast Antisocial Engineering! This week we talk Netflix boycotts and bans due to Monique and Tom Segura. We also talk about BITCONNECT! and how to lose all your Bitcoins by giving them to a website that most people online have called a ponzi scheme for years. We also bring up China's ban on hip-hop (not surprising) and the shattering of glass ceilings across America as Reba McEntire assumes the role of the first female Colonel Sanders. Equality at last. We also got this badass artwork from B. Cup Cheeks. Check it out: We also made a video for the Donald Trump 64 rap from a few episodes back. Watch it here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YZYH1Y-t_48&t=5s Like always, drop us a voicemail at 312-788-7361, rate and subscribe on iTunes, and something else. And remember: Don't get eliminated!

Welcome to Episode 50 of Thought Cops! I don't know how we got here, but we're here now after almost a year, serving up hot internet justice every week for 50 weeks in a row. Big thanks to everyone who listened, subscribed, commented, left a voicemail, left an email, called in as a guest, shared with a friend, or helped support the show in any way. There's still a lot more to come. The fan base is getting bigger, we're planning more new content, more guests, and it's exciting to see this project of ours continue to grow into its own eclectic community with its own sort of lore. To celebrate 50 episodes, we thought it would be cool to fill the studio with a ton of past guests, crack open a bottle of Malort, and talk over each other for an hour in a half. On this episode we have Deputies Ron, Robbie, Henry, Mark, and newcomer Brian as guests. It might sound like aural murder, but it was a ton of fun to record this one and get everyone together. THE Ken Bone also drops us a voicemail. I'm not kidding, he actually left us a voicemail this episode. Make sure to tweet the hashtag #kenbonegoonthoughtcops at him so we can interview him over Skype. This week, we talk about the Nintendo Labo, comment on The State of the Internet, everyone does a two minutes of hate, everyone does a shot of Malort or a lot more than that and loses count, and then burn Aziz Ansari, the 50th episode's sacrificial lamb. We also take a parody of Ellen's "epic" selfie, and even get Oprah in on the action. Thanks for listening.

Ope! Welcome to episode 49 of Thought Cops. This week, we're joined by Deputy Blake and Deputy Blake's Cousin Deputy Justin. They're starting their own spin-off podcast called Kissing Kousins, that's right, with three two K's. Also, I'm just kidding. This week, we try and find out who's the real person and who's the alter ego between Buck Hunter and Nate Underarmor. We also talk about the Golden Globes and how the internet collectively lost their remotes right after everyone turned it on. Speaking of the Golden Globes, we have Oprah's speech that guarantees her presidency, Connie Britton's $300 "Poverty is Sexist" shirt, Natalie Portman's funny joke, and Roseanne's long awaited return to television. We also mention the lore of Ugandan Knuckles, and the H&M sweatshirt controversy. Watch who you're walking into when you turn the corner, and how loud you're Ope!ing, because you never know what you're gonna Ope. Don't forget to drop us a comment, leave us a voicemail at 312-788-7361, and rate and subscribe to us on iTunes. And don't forget to subscribe to us on the Gorilla Channel.

Wee-woo, welcome to Thought Cops! This episode, we jump the horse and play a bunch of voicemails and comments we've gotten over the past few weeks. We spend about half the episode talking about the Logan Paul snafu, and no, I'm not linking to it. It's been taken down anyway and I'm not going out of my way to find it. Is this one of the rare times when the internet outrage mob was justified? TUNE IN NEXT TIME TO FIND OUT! We also talk about Oregon joining the 21st century and having to pump their own gasoline like everyone else has been doing forever. We also talk about Lorde's boycott of Israel and why people need to STOP DEMANDING THE CORRECT POLITICAL OPINIONS OF 20 YEAR OLD POP SINGERS WHO AREN'T NECESSARILY EDUCATED ON SUCH MATTERS. We also cover Bernie Sanders and his $600 jacket, which matters for some reason that I already forgot. Hold onto your hats folks, because this one's a wild ride. Like always, drop us a rating on iTunes, subscribe on Youtube, and give us a ring at 312-788-7361 to drop us a voicemail.

WHAT'S UP YOU CUCKS OUT THERE, YOU'RE TUNING INTO 69.6 WKUK THE KUCK, WITH YOUR FAVORITE MORNING ZOO FUN CREW! THIS IS THE ONLY MORNING RADIO SHOW WHERE WE TALK ABOUT SENSITIVE ISSUES THAT OFFEND EVERYONE IN A WAY THAT DOESN'T OFFEND ANYONE.  THIS MORNING, DJ KEVIN AND DJ GRANT TACKLE THE ISSUES FACING THE COUNTRY IN THIS DAY AND AGE, LIKE MANSPLAINING, BAD VIDEO GAMES, COMEDIENNES LIKE ILANA SCHLIMMINGSON BANNING MEN FROM VENUES, MORE THINGS ABOUT VIDEO GAMES, AND THIS TONE DEAF AD BY JOHNNY CHOO'S SHOES: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DPrRRgagQg8 LIKE ALWAYS, DJ THE STENOGRAPHER DOES NOTHING BUT RUN HER MOUTH AND INTERRUPT BECAUSE SHE'S A C***. CALL INTO 312-788-7361 AND TELL OUR PRODUCER MARK THAT YOU WANT HER A** OUT ON THE STREET FOR RUINING OUR SHOW. THANKS FOR LISTENING TO US EVERY MORNING, AND DON'T FORGET TO GO TO THE FCC'S WEBSITE AND GIVE US A REVIEW SO THAT OUR RATINGS CONTINUE TO SOAR. AND REMEMBER: KEEP ON CUCKING! HERE'S THAT 6 HOUR MARATHON OF THE WHO: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SHhrZgojY1Q&list=PL8EC5F5F8B35525F6&index=1

Welcome to episode 46 of Thought Cops! Sorry to keep you waiting. This week, we're joined by Brett Mercer of Big Time Garbage once again! They just got finished wrapping up their first namesake festival, Big Time Garbage Fest. This week, we talk MECHA TRUMP, Andrew W.K. Tweets, people electing animals as mayors, pop stars not wanting to talk about politics (again), Anakin Skywalker getting kicked out of the Jedi Order for sexual harassment, the new Star Wars movie, and Mark Hamill and Ted Cruz's EPIC Twitter War! You'll have to see it to believe it! Like always, rate and subscribe on iTunes, and check out this video we made last episode. https://youtu.be/QpI2viNqgVU

Hi! What's up. Oh yeah, welcome to episode 45 of Thought Cops! We're joined this week by Deputy Dannyboy to talk about the outrage of this week. Speaking of which, here's a one shot video of us talking about Ajit Pai's Net Neutrality video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QpI2viNqgVU Vine is back, But this week we talk about Keaton Jones, the boy who was bullied and then propped up into internet notoriety by his allegedly racist mom. Talk about a real milkshake duck. Whatever that means. We also try and figure out who Zara Larsson is and why she prefers Family Guy to the Simpsons, and why the fuck that would be trending on Twitter. Like always, please subscribe and rate us on I-Tunes, and drop us a voicemail at 312-788-7361. Namaste.

Welcome to episode 44 of Thought Cops! This week, we look into the mirror and say patreon.com/asterios three times and Asterios Kokkinos magically appears on our show. You may know him from the Biggest Problem in the Universe, The Dick Show, Enemies of 20-Something Megaman, Toys "4" Cheap, his bi-monthly podcast Science Friction, or maybe you saw him fight a moderator of r/the_donald. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C0mGOUw46Xs Asterios joins us while taking a 50 block stroll down the loud, busy, loud streets of New York City, to help us tackle problems modern Americans face today, such as spoiler culture, apps that beg you to enable notifications, and Baby It's Cold Outside truthers. This week, we learn what soy boys are, and find out about Disney's master plan to get Bart Simpson into the next Kingdom Hearts game by merging with Fox. We're one step closer to Brawndo running the country, people. It's time to get scared. We also go over Pamela Anderson's controversial comments about females in Hollywood not putting themselves into compromising situations. No comment. The biggest story this week was professional comedy critic Mike Cernovich getting Sam Seder fired from MSNBC for this tweet: I wonder if Asterios has ever gotten in trouble for a joke like this before. I guess we should've asked him at some point. Our bad, we must be bad interviewers. Seder was reinstated only a couple days after the initial wave of outrage was sparked, but that isn't stopping many from calling for the banning of the comedy critic's Twitter account. Or at the very least, the blue check mark next to his name. What's the difference, both are a form of censorship somehow. We also talk about the DiGiorno Holiday Pizza, Detective Pikachu, and how Nietzsche was right about god being dead. Somebody call the cops (us). If you would like to support Asterios in these trying of times, consider checking out any of the links above, or buy this album. Again, I can't remember why you might want to buy that album, something about 20 million dollerydoos. But just make sure to check it out. And as always, if you could take the time to subscribe on I-Tunes and leave us a nice review, we would be happy boys. Also follow us on Twitter and drop us a voicemail at 312-788-7361.

Welcome to Episode 43 of Thought Cops! This week, we're joined by Deputy Tyler Russo. He's the creator of the hyper-realistic turtle dicks in this video from The Onion, as well as the auteur of this Youtube channel and this Vimeo channel. This episode, we talk about the disgusting phrase "creatives" that idiots use to describe themselves to make themselves sound interesting. We sentence all those people to lobotomies. We also talk about Marvel's new editor-in-chief who on occasion uses the Japanese pseudonym Akira Yoshida. Spoiler alert: he's not Japanese, but he's now going to be. Forever. We also talk about Matt Lauer and his list of Christmas gifts you DON'T want to receive this season. We also bring in repeat offender Lucian B. Wintrich again, who is definitely a real person. It may be okay to be white, but it's not okay to wear a fucking bow tie in 2017 you nerd. Here's the Nazi-next-door story the New York Times ran recently. Here's my favorite poem about the New York Times: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tFELNIpeTjY We also talk about Rotten Tomatoes overrating the movie Lady Bird and hashtag Elsagate. As always, subscribe on iTunes and leave us a voicemail at 312-788-7361.

Welcome to episode 42 of Thought Cops, aka episode 1 of Comcast Cops. This week, we're joined once again by Deputy Robbie of The Dirty Nines and formerly of the FCC to talk about Net Neutrality. Basically everyone's fucked, so we're all looking for jobs at Comcast deleting websites for them. The rest of the episode, we talk about Starbucks' ongoing War on Christmas, the Lena Dunham apology generator, and Post Malone's apology for saying hip hop doesn't have emotional range. Or whatever. Jesus Christ, you people are petty. Make sure to drop us a voicemail at 312-788-7361 accusing Officer Kevin of intentionally plagiarizing lines from 1996's Matilda. Also make sure to leave us a review on iTunes. Thanks kindly.

Welcome to Episode 41 of Thought Cops, aka the autofellatio episode. We're once again joined by Deputy Michael of michaelpottle.com, and creator of Greg Loves a Human. https://vimeo.com/158571684 This episode, we start off by changing up the show's format a little by sentencing thought crimes as they happen, as opposed to the week after. It's a minor change, but the show should hopefully be a little more streamlined and a little less top-heavy. Officer Kevin was also on the fellow Chicagoan podcast Booze Before Noon this week. I don't think the episode has dropped yet, but check it out when it does. But anyway, this week in the news: Conservatives destroy their Keurig coffee makers because they love the environment. Baked Alaska gets banned from Twitter and spends 9 hours in an In-N-Out complaining to its otherwise helpless patrons. Seriously, look at the time on that video. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bDZtImrjssU   In other Twitter news, Twitter took the blue checkmark away from several white supremacists on the platform, which is basically the equivalent of the second Holocaust to a group who somehow isn't sure whether or not there was a first the Holocaust. Rounding out the Twitfecta, @dril's identity has been exposed. Turns out it actually was Jack Nicholson this whole time. If you don't understand that joke, please Google @dril. There's a documentary coming out soon about whether or not Apu from the Simpsons is a problematic stereotype. Like all other documentaries that come out, I plan on not watching it. Blake Shelton was voted People Magazine's sexiest man alive, and we all agree that the award should've gone to Ichigo from Bleach. I guess there's no tolerance for anime in Trump's America. Finally, New York Mayor Bill DeBlasio's press secretary was caught saying that Chicago pizza is better than New York pizza. Problem solved I guess, now we no longer have to debate this. You can all go back to your families now, the war's over. Don't forget to drop us a review on iTunes, and drop us a voicemail at 312-788-7361.

Welcome, to Thought Cop's official kickoff of No-Fap November! Gargle as much ranch as you can fit in a five liter keg with Mark Whitney and Deputy Alberto as we take down Jim Beam, Facebook's nude collection, Fox and Friends, a $400 Antifa Jacket, Larry David, and yes, Louis C.K. Oh yeah, and spoiler alert, this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4AxV78K11AE Make sure to subscribe to us on iTunes and follow us on Twitter. Also, drop us a voicemail at 312-788-7361.