The Recovery Show » Finding serenity through 12 step recovery in Al-Anon – a podcast

What did you think when you saw the word “God” in the 12 steps? Did you think you would be forced to believe in some particular religion? Or did you think you couldn’t find help because you didn’t believe in God? Two speakers from a NA convention share their experience finding a God of their understanding. (From the Recovery Radio Network.) Our topic for next week is the first in a series on the “gifts of Al-Anon.” We will become mature, responsible individuals with a great capacity for joy, fulfillment, and wonder. Though we may never be perfect, continued spiritual progress will reveal to us our enormous potential. How have you found this coming true in your life? Or are you still waiting? Please call us at 734-707-8795 or email feedback@therecoveryshow.com with your questions or experience, strength and hope. Or just leave a comment right here. Music from the show Filled with Loving Kindness U2: I Still Haven't Found what I'm Looking for Leann Rimes: Amazing Grace    

What does Love mean to you? Has alcoholism turned your love turned to hate? Or maybe, you feel both at once and it’s tearing you apart. The ancient Greeks had 4 words for different kinds of love. In English, we have to use adjectives to distinguish them. These include Romantic love Sexual love Parental love Familial love Obsessive love Compassionate love Love of humanity Unconditional love In an alcoholic relationship, love can become poisoned, eventually turning into dislike or hate. We can feel both of these emotions at once, which is certainly confusing. Our recovery tools can help to detangle this messy web of feelings. By learning about the disease of alcoholism, we can begin to find compassion for our loved one, and to separate the person from the effects of the disease. This can help us to detach with love, and to find a way to live our life with balance and serenity, even while the alcoholic behavior continues. Fear of consequences to a love one can compel us to try to control their actions and outcomes. As the reading about Step 1 in How Al-Anon Works states, … many of us have confused love with interference. We don’t know how to show affection or support without giving advice, seeking to sway another’s decisions, or trying to get those we love to do what we think will bring them happiness. We confuse caring with controlling because we don’t know how to allow others the dignity of being themselves. We can treat our loved ones as helpless babies who must be protected and helped. Such behavior is appropriate for a baby or young child. But we need to let go of doing that for the adults in our lives. As a child grows up, our love demands that we let them learn to do things for themselves and experience consequences, so that they will be able to live independently as adults. In the suggested Al-Anon closing, we are told that … though you may not like all of us, you’ll love us in a very special way— the same way we already love you. It is also said that in recovery, “we love you until you can learn to love yourself.” What does this mean? We have learned to love ourselves as our higher power loves us – unconditionally – strengths, flaws, and all. And thus, we learn to see you as a lovable human being, struggling to recover from the effects of alcoholism or addiction, and we can love you just as you are. Upcoming topics include recovery in divorce, and the “gifts of Al-Anon”. The first of these states, “We will become mature, responsible individuals with a great capacity for joy, fulfillment, and wonder. Though we may never be perfect, continued spiritual progress will reveal to us our enormous potential.” How is this gift coming true in your life? Please call us at 734-707-8795 or email feedback@therecoveryshow.com with your questions or experience, strength and hope. Or just leave a comment right here. Links In this show, I recommended a talk titled “God of our Understanding” at the Recovery Radio Network. They have a huge database of recovery talks, and also deliver a new talk every week day as a podcast to which you can subscribe. I also talked about an episode of On Being with the brain surgeon James Doty in which he talks about how changing his attitude – changing how he looked at his life and his situation – enabled him to break out of his alcoholic family situation and led him to a “vision that anything and everything was p...

Intimacy requires dialog, transparency, vulnerability and reciprocity; it is sustained through well-developed emotional and interpersonal awareness; it comes from a center of self-knowledge and self differentiation; and it evolves through reciprocal self disclosure and candor. Spencer recently was a speaker at an open panel meeting titled “The Effects of Alcoholism and Addiction on Intimacy and Sexual Relationships”. Hear his sharing about how his ability to be intimate was damaged by alcoholism, and how he is rediscovering intimacy in recovery. Tom and Grace also attended the panel, and we talk about what we expected, what happened, and how it touched us. Grace shares her experience as an organizer of the meeting. We recognize that these topics are not ones that we frequently talk about in our meetings. Intimacy and sex are severely affected in alcoholic relationships, and we need to be talking about them more than we do. One upcoming topic is recovery in divorce. Please call us at 734-707-8795 or email feedback@therecoveryshow.com with your questions or experience, strength and hope. Or just leave a comment right here. Links The Al-Anon WSO is soliciting shares for a new publication on Intimacy in Alcoholic Relationships. If you would like to share your experience, strength, and hope, please use these guidelines to do so. Claire recommended these books for Adult Children:   Music from the show Tori Amos: Enjoy the Silence Jamyang: Things We Ought to Say https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7cvt-SOjYWQ Vienna Teng: Eric's Song    

Do you have a sponsor? Do you sponsor others in the program? How has your sponsor supported your recovery? How has being a sponsor supported and enriched your recovery? Tell us about it! Two of us share our experience as a sponsor, and of being sponsored, and then challenge you to share your experience, strength, and hope with us. Upcoming topics include the first gift of Al-Anon: “1. We will become mature, responsible individuals with a great capacity for joy, fulfillment, and wonder. Though we may never be perfect, continued spiritual progress will reveal to us our enormous potential.” How do you see this gift appearing in your life? Please call us at 734-707-8795 or email feedback@therecoveryshow.com with your questions or experience, strength and hope. Or just leave a comment right here. See our contact page for detailed information about how to join our conversation. Music from the show The Hollies: He Ain't Heavy (He's my Brother) Pearl Jam: Force of Nature John Lennon: Imagine      

The first word of the first step is “We”. It is often said “this is a ‘we’ program.” What does that really mean? How do we find recovery from sharing our experience, strength and hope? All the steps (not just the first) start with “we”. The AA big book prefaces the steps with “Here are the steps we took, which are suggested as a program of recovery:” The foreword to the 3rd edition of the AA “big book” says “… at its core it remains simple and personal. Each day, somewhere in the world, recovery begins when one alcoholic talks with another alcoholic, sharing experience, strength, and hope. We know who we mean Tradition 3 says “… The only requirement for membership is that there be a problem of alcoholism in a relative or friend.” Tradition 5: “… welcoming families of alcoholics …” Fellowship This word appears over 60 times in the text of How Al-Anon Works. You may have first heard this word in the suggested opening words at your first meeting: We welcome you to [this] Al-Anon Family Group and hope you will find in this fellowship the help and friendship we have been privileged to enjoy. We who live or have lived with the problem of alcoholism understand as perhaps few others can. We, too, were lonely and frustrated, but in Al-Anon/ Alateen we discover that no situation is really hopeless and that it is possible for us to find contentment, and even happiness, whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not. We urge you to try our program. It has helped many of us find solutions that lead to serenity. So much depends on our own attitudes, and as we learn to place our problem in its true perspective, we find it loses its power to dominate our thoughts and our lives. How it works My experience First meeting: no longer alone (I was “one more”) Early meetings: finding commonality Wanting “what you had”. Others had walked this path before me. Getting a sponsor: A personal companion on the journey. A voice that is not mine. Working the steps in a group: coming to trust. I’m not uniquely broken. Letting go of shame. Step 12: “… to carry this message to others” We do this. Not professionals, not specialists, but us, and only us. Leading the “newcomers’ meeting”. Sharing our experience, giving those new to the program a place to share theirs and to ask questions. Being a sponsor I say “we” because I heal when you share your experience, strength and hope with me. I heal when I become part of “we”. And we know who we mean. And each day, we become (at least) one more. Upcoming topics include the first gift of Al-Anon: “We will become mature, responsible individuals with a great capacity for joy, fulfillment, and wonder. Though we may never be perfect, continued spiritual progress will reveal to us our enormous potential.” How do you see this gift appearing in your life? A suggested topic is “recovery after divorce.” Please share your experience so others can benefit. Please call us at 734-707-8795 or email feedback@therecoveryshow.com with your questions or experience, strength and hope. Or just leave a comment right here. Links Spencer was inspired to this topic by a poem “The Low Road” by Marge Piercy. Susanne recommended http://storiesofrecovery.org/, as a resource for talks on recovery topics, including open talks,

Another conversation about families. What did you learn from your family of origin? How have you found new ways to relate to families in recovery? Tom joins us, and talks about what his family was like growing up, what he brought from that into his adult life, what he rebelled against, and how he is using his recovery programs to find a more balanced way of living and relating to his families — his family of origin and his recovery family. As with last week's conversation, we were guided by these questions: * Describe, generally, what kind of family you grew up in. * Was there (active) alcoholism or addiction? * Was there codepenency? * What did you learn in your family of origin? * About relating to other people? * About keeping secrets? * About love? * How did these affect your life before recovery? * Your relationships? * Your ability to take life on life’s terms? * Your desire/need to control others and your environment? * If you are a parent, what patterns from your parents did you bring into your new family? * etc? * Alcoholism is described in our literature as a “family illness”. In what ways do you now understand this description? * How has alcoholism or addiction affected you and your family (current or family of origin)? How has your perception of this changed in recovery? * How has recovery helped you to develop / discover new ways of being in family? * How has recovery helped you to be with your family of origin? * How do you use the principles of the program (including traditions and concepts) in your family or other relationships today? An upcoming topic is the first “gift of Al-Anon”.  It says “We will become mature, responsible individuals with a great capacity for joy, fulfillment, and wonder. Though we may never be perfect, continued spiritual progress will reveal to us our enormous potential.” How do you see this gift appearing in your life? Or are you still waiting for it? Another topic I’m thinking about is “We”. What does it mean to you that this is a “we” program? How does hearing the experience of others and sharing your own lead to recovery? To me, this is both the core and the mystery of our program. Please call us at 734-707-8795 or email feedback@therecoveryshow.com with your questions or experience, strength and hope. Or just leave a comment right here. Music from the show Eminem: Cleanin' Out My Closet The Ramones: We're a Happy Family Nirvana: Been a Son    

What did you learn from your family of origin? How have you found new ways to relate to your family in recovery? Spencer and Mara talk about family, guided by these questions. Describe, generally, what kind of family you grew up in. Was there (active) alcoholism or addiction? Was there codepenency? What did you learn in your family of origin? About relating to other people? About keeping secrets? About love? How did these affect your life before recovery? Your relationships? Your ability to take life on life’s terms? Your desire/need to control others and your environment? If you are a parent, what patterns from your parents did you bring into your new family? etc? Alcoholism is described in our literature as a “family illness”. In what ways do you now understand this description? How has alcoholism or addiction affected you and your family (current or family of origin)? How has your perception of this changed in recovery? How has recovery helped you to develop / discover new ways of being in family? How has recovery helped you to be with your family of origin? How do you use the principles of the program (including traditions and concepts) in your family or other relationships today?   Upcoming topics include “We”, and the “gifts of Al-Anon.” Please call us at 734-707-8795 or email feedback@therecoveryshow.com with your questions or experience, strength and hope. Or just leave a comment right here. Music from the show Pink: Family Portrait Pearl Jam: My Father's Son    

What have you accomplished in the past year? How did you work your recovery? What are you looking forward to in the new year? Reflect on your year past, look forward to the new year with these thought questions. In this episode, Spencer reflects on his 2015 and looks at his 2016 goals. Did I have recovery goals for 2015? What were they? Did I have other goals for 2015? What were they? How did I reach towards my goals? Outside of goals, how did I work my program in 2015? What did I find out about myself this year? What changes have I made or been making this year? What has changed in my life this year? What did I achieve this year? In recovery? In my life in general? What will I keep on doing in 2016? What do I want to do differently/new in 2016? Am I setting any SMART goals (specific, measurable, achievable, relevant, time-bound)? Why might I want to do this? Why not? Upcoming topics include families, and balancing more than one recovery program. What did you learn in your family, growing up? How have you carried that into your present? Was your family “crazy” or “normal”? How have you learned a new way to be in family through recovery? Are you in another recovery program? How do you balance your programs? Did you find a difference working the steps in Al-Anon?  Please call us at 734-707-8795 or email feedback@therecoveryshow.com with your questions or experience, strength and hope. Or just leave a comment right here. Links Greg referred to the essay on Emotional Sobriety by Bill W. He also suggested that we do a series on the Alanon Gifts. Music from the show Courtney Barnett: Nobody Really Cares if you don't go to the Party Kendrick Lamar: How Much a Dollar Cost Protomartyr: Why Does it Shake?  

Do you try to do “all the things” by yourself or do you work in cooperation with others? How do you keep balance and serenity while moving forward? Can Concepts 11 and 12 help answer these questions? Concept 11: The World Service Office is composed of selected committees, executives and staff members. * How does this concept help ensure that the work of Al-Anon is accomplished? * How does this concept help ensure that no one person is overloaded with tasks? * What does this concept teach me about delegation? About turning things over? * How can I bring this concept into my family? * What “committees” might my family have? * Who are the “executives” of the family? What are their roles? Do those roles ever change? * Who are the “staff members” of the family? How are they fairly compensated for their work? * How can me “taking control” make a bad situation worse? * How does this concept help me to pause and assess a situation before I react? * What is my purpose? In life? In my family? In my job? Concept 12: The spiritual foundation for Al-Anon’s world services is contained in the General Warranties of the Conference, Article 12 of the Charter. General Warranties of the Conference In all proceedings the World Service Conference of Al-Anon shall observe the spirit of the Traditions: * that only sufficient operating funds, including an ample reserve, be its prudent financial principle; * that no Conference member shall be placed in unqualified authority over other members; * that all decisions be reached by discussion vote and whenever possible by unanimity; * that no Conference action ever be personally punitive or an incitement to public controversy; * that though the Conference serves Al-Anon it shall never perform any act of government; and that like the fellowship of Al-Anon Family Groups which it serves, it shall always remain democratic in thought and action. What are the spiritual principles embodied in these Warranties? Prudence, humility, substantial unanimity, personal responsibility, avoidance of controversy, mutual respect, and equality. How do I practice prudence in my financial affairs? Are there other areas in my life in which I could practice prudence? Can I keep an “ample reserve” of all that I need? Money, energy, serenity, etc? What is authority? Do I ever assume unqualified authority? Can I listen to all sides before making a decision? What is substantial unanimity? Can I keep principles above personalities? Do I like to stir things up? How is my family democratic in thought? In action? How can I use all the concepts to live my life more fully and well? Our topic for next week is new topic. Please call us at 734-707-8795 or email feedback@therecoveryshow.com with your questions or experience, strength and hope. Or just leave a comment right here. Books Spencer mentioned these books:     Music from the show Alicia Keys: Superwoman Canned Heat: Let's Work Together https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gOLXs6dSALo LeAnn Rimes: We Can  

Do you dread the holidays? Do they bring out the worst in you or your loved ones? Are you not sure how you’re going to survive visiting (or visits from) your family? What is in your holiday survival kit? Here are some items from my and my friends' holiday survival kits: Plan ahead Take Al-Anon literature with you. Talk to Al-Anon friends or your sponsor — get numbers you can call if you need to. Make sure they are in your phone or carry a phone list with you. Talk about your anxiety or fears with a program friend. Don’t set unrealistic expectations. Don’t try to meet others (or your own) unrealistic expectations. Take care of yourself. Get enough sleep. Eat properly. Get enough “self time” — don’t spend all the time with your family (toxic or not!) Have an exit plan. Where can you go to be alone? Have a way to leave if you need to (drive yourself, for example.) Stay at a motel instead of in the family home, if possible (see above about others’ expectations!) Go for a walk. Make a phone call. Stay only as long as you want to. Sit at the “kids table” (they’re usually more sane than the adults!) Plan to attend meetings. If you are traveling, check the local Al-Anon district website for meeting times and locations. (Google “Al-Anon in city” works pretty well.) Take the podcast with you. Pray and meditate — keep up your recovery routines. This can be hard when you are not in your own space. Maybe you can’t do it exactly as you do at home, or for as long, but you will feel better if you keep up whatever P&M you normally do. Take it one day at a time, one hour at a time. Remember, “this too shall pass.” Upcoming topics include Concepts 11 and 12. Please call us at 734-707-8795 or email feedback@therecoveryshow.com with your questions or experience, strength and hope. Or just leave a comment right here. Music from the show The Pogues: Fairytale of New York Dolly Parton: Hard Candy Christmas Over the Rhine: Darlin' (Christmas is Comin')  

In recovery we listen to each other; we learn from each other’s experience strength and hope; we let go of our need to control others; and find love for them. These are the 4 L's. Spencer and Pat discuss "listen, learn, let go, and love", prompted by these questions. Do you try to fix others if they are sharing a problem or difficulty? Do you have to “be right” or have the last word in discussions or arguments? Do you feel you have to convince others of your point of view? When someone disagrees with you do you feel inadequate? do get angry or defensive? Do you have difficulty moving from PAUSE to saying something that uses the THINK (Is what you are going to say Thoughtful, Honest, I, Necessary or Kind) principle? What am I learning when I practice the 4 L’s? What am I letting go of when I practice the 4 L’s? How does listen and learn apply to Al-anon meetings? Do you take care of everyone else’s needs before listening to and addressing your own? Do others’ needs take priority before you care for yourself? Upcoming topics include Surviving the Holidays, and Concepts 11 and 12. Please call us at 734-707-8795 or email feedback@therecoveryshow.com with your questions or experience, strength and hope.

Do you obsess over the thought that your loved one might be lying? Do you have to prove the lies? How do you find the ability to trust in recovery? Julia joins Spencer to talk about lies, guided by these questions. How have you been lied to (in relationships with an alcoholic or addict)? How have you lied to yourself? How did you react to lies prior to recovery? Did you become angry? withdraw? Did you deny them? Ignore them? Did you make excuses for your loved one’s behavior? What else? Can you see your loved one’s lies as a symptom of the disease? What tools have you used to stay “sane” when you are lied to? How? Detachment? Boundaries? When does lying become a “deal breaker”? How do you rebuild trust in your loved one? Are there things you still can’t trust about them or your relationship? Upcoming topics include the 4 L's, listen, learn, let go, and love; and Concepts of service 11 and 12. Please call us at 734-707-8795 or email feedback@therecoveryshow.com with your questions or experience, strength and hope.

Maybe you’ve heard some of these slogans. “Easy does it.” … “How important is it?” … “Think” … "Let go and Let God." Spencer and Eric talk about some slogans, guided by these questions. What did you think about these slogans when you first came to the program? Was there a particular slogan that you first “picked up”? How did it help you? What slogans are you using at this point in your recovery / life? Easy does it. How have you used this slogan? What does it say to you? How important is it? What does this slogan remind you to do, or not to do? How has it helped your recovery? How does it help you to live with others? Think From How Al-Anon Works: “One of the effects of alcoholism is that most of us tend to react to everything we encounter, often perceiving minor incidents as major crises.” How does “Think” remind me to pause instead of reacting? How have I used this recently? In the Step 10 discussion in Paths to Recovery there is an interpretation of THINK as an acronym, giving us questions to ask before opening our mouth: Is it Thoughtful, Honest, Intelligent, Necessary, and Kind? How do you view the slogans now? Upcoming topics include Living with Lies, Concepts 11 and 12, and the 4 L's: Listen, Learn, Let Go, and Love. Please call us at 734-707-8795 or email feedback@therecoveryshow.com with your questions or experience, strength and hope.

How has Al-Anon helped you to clear a path in your life? A few weeks ago, we posted a lead by June on the topic of "Clearing a Path". Today, 5 listeners and Spencer respond to that lead. The themes explored in our experience, strength and hope include these: A new way of living. Finding gratitude for the things we have. Recognizing the beauty around us. Turning adversity into advantage. Serenity can exist in the midst of chaos. Writing our own story. Making our own happiness. Upcoming topics include living with lies and Concepts 11 and 12. Please call us at 734-707-8795 or email feedback@therecoveryshow.com with your questions or experience, strength and hope.

Have you heard someone say they were grateful for the alcoholics in their life? How do you practice gratitude? Can you find gifts in the "punishments" of your life? I reflect on gratitude while walking in the woods on a beautiful fall day. (How) can I say I am grateful for my loved one’s alcoholism? it is part of who she is -- her personality I am the person I am now (How) can I find gratitude for pain in my life. Colbert: “‘You have to learn to love the bomb.’ It took me a long time to really understand what that meant. It wasn’t ‘Laugh it off.’ No, it means what it says. You gotta learn to love when you’re failing… The embracing of that, the discomfort of failing in front of an audience, leads you to penetrate through the fear that blinds you. Fear is the mind killer.” “What punishments of God are not gifts? … So it would be ungrateful not to take everything with gratitude. It doesn’t mean you want it. I can hold both of those ideas in my head.” ”It’s our choice whether to hate something in our lives or to love every moment of them, even the parts that bring us pain. At every moment, we are volunteers.” http://www.gq.com/story/stephen-colbert-gq-cover-story What am I grateful for today. I have a home to live in and food to eat and energy to keep me comfortable. I have a family who loves me and who I love. My body-self is reasonably healthy, despite the minor aches and pains I complain of daily. The day is beautiful, crisp, clear with bright fall colors. I have a program that helps me to grow spiritually and to become more of the person I want to be. I am the sum of my live experiences. I would not be who I am without them. What are you grateful for today? Can you find gifts in your “punishments”?