The Recovery Show » Finding serenity through 12 step recovery in Al-Anon – a podcast

Do you have unrealistic expectations of other people? Or, maybe, of yourself? How does this hurt? * What are “expectations”? * “Expectations are pre-meditated resentments” — how do you see this as true? * How can expectations set you up for disappointment? * How do your expectations of yourself hurt you? * How do you deal with other people's expectations of you? * How do you * let go of unrealisitic expectations? * set realistic / reasonable expectations and boundaries? * When has letting go of expectations improved an experience for you? Eric referred to several other websites: * Recovery Table blog: Expectations, Acceptance, and Serenity * A forum discussion about boundaries and expectations. * Change-Effect blog: expectation versus reality. A correspondant mentioned the Hand in Hand Parenting support organization and how it had helped her. Upcoming topics include a talk with Alateen sponsors, and the question “how am I trustworthy?” Please call us at 734-707-8795 or email feedback@therecoveryshow.com with your questions or experience, strength and hope. Or just leave a comment right here. Music from the show The Rolling Stones: No Expectations https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1rIqBeMZAMc The Beatles: Let it Be Jimi Hendrix: Castles Made of Sand https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=afMGxknptco  

How do you use recovery in your life? Join Spencer and Maria as they explore how she has found a new way of living, beyond recovery. Before coming to recovery, Maria's life was “good enough.” The tools she gained in the Al-Anon program have enabled her to face two major life choices, and to decide to make a huge change in her direction. How about you? What does your life look like, beyond recovery? Please contact us: call us at 734-707-8795 or email feedback@therecoveryshow.com with your questions or experience, strength and hope. Or just leave a comment right here. A listener was helped by the meditation “A god of my understanding.”

How did your recovery grow in 2016? Whether we're just getting started or we've been at this for years now, we can always grow. * How did recovery tools and principles work in my life last year? * With family and friends? * In my finances? * In my work? * In my health and fitness? * In my spiritual life? * How did my recovery program grow? * In what ways did I “slack off”? * What goals did I set for 2016? How did I meet them? Please call us at 734-707-8795 or email feedback@therecoveryshow.com with your questions or to share your experience, strength and hope. Or just leave a comment right here. A listener suggested repeating episode 101, Looking Back, Looking Ahead. Check it out if you haven't listened to it already. Music from the show LA Salami: Day to Day Leonard Cohen: You want it Darker Sturgill Simpson: Welcome to Earth (Polliwog)  

My wishes to you are that the spirit of the Christmas season, of peace and good will to all people, may be with you in the coming year. Please call us at 734-707-8795 or email feedback@therecoveryshow.com with your questions or experience, strength and hope. Or just leave a comment right here. Background music is Carol of the Bells from Free Christmas MP3.  

Kathy shares her experience, strength, and hope in her open talk. I particularly appreciated the way she kept the focus on herself — her feelings — her actions — as she described the years before she found recovery. I was able to identify with a lot of what she said. In our feedback section, we had a question about online meetings. I know of several resources, but I'm sure there are others. * The official Al-Anon website lists online meetings and phone meetings. * The website In The Rooms has online meetings for many recovery programs. * Other Al-Anon phone meetings are listed at phonemeetings.org. A listener asked about boundaries, particularly looking for something to explain boundaries to her 6-year old child. We did several episodes about boundaries, but not especially aimed at young folk. If you can help with this, please contact us. Another request is for sharings about regret. Two listeners wrote. One spoke of “The sadness, disappointment and regret I feel over having not been in a good enough mind-shape to really be there for my kids.” Another shared, “Particularly as a mother I find a downward pull toward dwelling on mistakes from the past where I let my children down by losing my temper.” Carrie wrote to suggest topics of “tools”, holidays, and hyper-vigilance. We did talk about holiday survival previously, but it's always a good topic. On the topic of “tools”, please share your favorite recovery tool!

Do you get angry? More importantly, maybe, how do you deal with your anger? Has recovery helped you be less angry or to let it out more gently? This week, Spencer and Pat talk about anger. We are guided in our discussion by these questions. * Don't we almost all get angry at some time or another? * Were you allowed to get angry as a child?    * What were you told about anger when you were young? * When do you get angry? * Are there patterns to when you get angry? * What tools of the program can help you deal with anger in the moment? * What tools of the program can help you work on the root cause of your anger? Several listeners also contribute to and enliven our discussion by email and voice. Upcoming topics include “how am I trustworthy?” Do you gossip? How have you learned to keep confidences in recovery? How is that an essential part of the Al-Anon program? Please call us at 734-707-8795 or email feedback@therecoveryshow.com with your questions or experience, strength and hope. Or just leave a comment right here. Music from the show Pat said, when I was looking for songs about anger, all I found were, well, angry songs! So I looked up songs about conflict resolution and I found a really nice blog where the author had asked folks for songs about conflict resolution. She has two long play lists – one is mellow and one is lively. But first, some angry songs… “One Step Closer” by Linkin Park Angry Heart by Black Sabbath And, finding a way to deal… You Can't Always Get What you Want by The Rolling Stones Classic: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5BykilS816E Recent: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MkzVeXrkXGw  

Do you overcomplicate your life? How can we “Keep it Simple”? Let’s look at the section of How Al-Anon Works about the slogan “Keep it Simple”. How would you relate each of these sentences to your life? * When coping with the baffling and often overwhelming effects of alcoholism, the simpler and more straightforward the approach, the better. The slogan, “Keep It Simple,” makes just that point. * When life seems unmanageable or confusing, many of us unknowingly complicate matters even further by trying to anticipate everything that could go wrong, so that we will be prepared to respond. * This slogan reminds us that we can’t control every possible outcome to every situation and that trying to do so makes our lives more difficult and more stressful than they already are. * When we “Keep It Simple,” we try to take things at face value, * looking at what is actually happening * rather than the 50 things that might or might not follow. * Perhaps we can approach large projects and challenges slowly, step by step, in manageable stages rather than all at once. * Sometimes we must act with haste, * but not every new task or unexpected event is a crisis. * Our initial, fearful responses may arise more from habit rather than necessity. * In time, we learn that if we are feeling paralyzed and overwhelmed, we may be complicating matters * or taking on more than we can handle for this moment or this day, * and that we may have better luck by simplifying what we are trying to accomplish. * We can relax and try to be more gentle with ourselves, * trusting that by putting one foot in front of the other, we will eventually get where we are going. And a couple of related slogans: * Easy does it. * First things first. Our topic for next week is anger. Please call us at 734-707-8795 or email feedback@therecoveryshow.com with your questions or experience, strength and hope. Or just leave a comment right here. Links The reading “Set in Stone” is from the book Walking Towards Morning by Victoria Safford. I mentioned some previous episodes: 180: Being Thankful, and 119: Worry. Music from the show Simple Gifts, performed by Yo-Yo Ma and Alison Krauss Simplicity by Bob Seger  

How are you thankful? Can you be thankful even when life isn’t going well? How can being thankful improve your situation? As I approach the US Thanksgiving holiday, my thoughts naturally turn to thankfulness. In Shakespeare’s play Hamlet, we find this bit of conversation between Hamlet and Rosencrantz. Hamlet has just remarked that Denmark is a prison, and Rosencrantz says that he doesn’t find it so: HAMLET: Why, then, ’tis none to you, for there is nothing either good or bad but thinking makes it so. To me, it is a prison. ROSENCRANTZ: Why, then, your ambition makes it one. ’Tis too narrow for your mind. HAMLET: O God, I could be bounded in a nutshell and count myself a king of infinite space, were it not that I have bad dreams. And don’t we all (have bad dreams)? How can we be thankful in spite of them? How can being thankful actually help us drive away our bad dreams? Let’s look at the reading from How Al-Anon Works on gratitude. * “Actively practicing gratitude is one way we can promote attitude adjustment. Instead of taking for granted the many blessings in our lives, we make a point to mentally acknowledge them until doing so becomes a habit.” * I don’t “notice” when things are going well, but * I dwell on the times when things went poorly. * “Writing them down in a “gratitude list” and then reading the list to our Sponsor or sharing it with other Al-Anon members helps us realize that there are many things in our lives for which we are truly grateful. “ * A to Z gratitude list * How I felt afterwards * “Gratitude enables us to savor the unrecognized good that surrounds us, no matter what the circumstances. As we become accustomed to noticing the positive aspects of our lives, we begin to recognize small, subtle gifts and cloaked opportunities when they appear in our day-to-day experience.” * My winter day story — a friend helped me to see the good that had happened that day instead of “moaning” about the bad * I remember this story and it helps me to see the positive as well as the negative. * “ Eventually, as we continue to practice, we actually do find something to be grateful for, even in painful or difficult situations. We replace our victim mentality with an attitude of gratitude.” * Psych ward story. * “Instead of feeling drained, overwhelmed, and stressed by the circumstances we encounter, we begin to feel empowered and capable of coping, even flourishing, because we have learned that our Higher Power can use every situation, every relationship, every experience, to enhance our lives and foster strength, faith, and personal growth. Thus, everyone and everything has a special gift to offer us.” * Visiting with my aging and ailing mother. * How I felt, how I grew. * “We need only open our eyes to see it.” Previous episodes and blog posts on gratitude are * Episode 129: Gratitude * Episode 97: Gratitude 2014 * Episode 19: Gratitude * Gratitude list 2015 Upcoming topics include anger. Please call us at 734-707-8795 or email feedback@therecoveryshow.com with your questions or experience, strength and hope. Or just leave a comment right here.

Say what you mean, mean what you say, and don't be mean when you say it. Many of us have formed patterns of communication that linger even though they may have outlived their usefulness. * How did I keep quiet or agree to unreasonable requests in order to avoid conflict? * Do I continue to do that out of habit? * Have I made promises or threats that I did not/had no real intention of carrying out? * When did I say “yes” when I wanted to say “no”? * When have I kept my feelings and wants to myself? * Because I expected my loved ones to “just know” what I wanted? * Because I was afraid you would disagree with me? * Because keeping another person happy was more important than getting what I wanted? * When is this OK? It is worth noting, however, that if we are dealing with someone who is drunk or violent, this kind of honesty may be ill-advised. Real communication requires at least some participation by both parties, and if one of those parties is not in his or her right mind, the effort is likely to be wasted. It may even be dangerous. * When/how did/do I say whatever is on my mind without considering whether it is appropriate? * When do I give unsolicited advice or criticism? * When do I repeatedly say something? * Why? * When do I say things I don’t really mean? * To “get along”? * By rote? (such as greetings or thanks) * Do I pay attention to my tone of voice, facial expression, and body language? * When does my attitude convey a different message from my words? * What are some tools and principles that can help me to “say what I mean”? * Inventory — I may not know what I believe / want / need. * Sponsor — particularly when I was new in the program. * Help me understand what I want. * Help me with how to say it. * Prayer and meditation. * “Pause button” * What are some tools and principles that can help me to “mean what I say”? * I can change my attitude (my “angle of approach”). * Acting my way into better thinking. * Forming an intention before speaking. * “Pause button” * Considering my motives (a sponsor can help with this!) * How can not “be mean when I say it”? * HALT — if I am Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired, I am more likely to “be mean”. * THINK — ask myself “Is what I am about to say Thoughtful, Honest, Intelligent, Necessary, and Kind?” If not maybe I shouldn’t say it. * Prayer and meditation — to help smooth emotions before speaking. * “Pause button” * “Drop the rope” Please call us at 734-707-8795 or email feedback@therecoveryshow.com with your questions or experience, strength and hope. Or just leave a comment right here.

This “retro” episode was originally published as Episode 103. Have you ever set an ultimatum? What did you do when it wasn’t honored? How do you deal with unacceptable behavior from your loved ones? Spencer and Maria talk about boundaries. Last week, we read an email from a listener who asked these questions: * Do any of you out there have any personal experiences setting ultimatums with your addicts that were not respected, acknowledged or met with insult? * How have you handled the negativity from your addict, and the anxiety and heartbreak of not knowing if the relationship will ever be restored? * What has it looked like for you to practice loving detachment with an intimate partner through a separation or divorce? * What is the next right thing to do once a boundary has been communicated? So we thought, “maybe it’s time to talk about boundaries again.” We actually had a couple of earlier shows around this topic. Our very first episode was a 20 minute discussion of boundaries, and then in episode 44, we talked about setting boundaries without controlling. Some discussion/thought questions about boundaries: * What is a boundary? * How does it differ from an ultimatum? * How can I set a boundary that involves someone else’s behavior? * What can I do when my boundaries are not respected? * How do I feel when my boundaries are not respected by someone I love? * How can loving detachment help me to maintain my boundaries? * What if I don’t want to follow through with the consequences of my boundary having been violated? * What happens (to me) if my boundaries turn out to be expectations? * How does a boundary with my own behavior differ from a boundary with someone else’s behavior? * How can I set up and follow through with consequences on a boundary with myself? During the show, we referred to several earlier episodes, including relapse, face to face meetings, Tradition 1, and getting started in Al-Anon. Our topic for next week is judgement. How does having judgement differ from being judgemental? Can judgement be both a character asset and a character defect? How do you judge others? How do you think others judge you? Please call us at 734-707-8795 or email feedback@therecoveryshow.com with your questions or experience, strength and hope. Or just leave a comment right here. Music from the show Tracy Chapman – Give Me One Reason Ani DiFranco – Out of Range AM – Boundaries  

Start where you are. When change comes, as it always does, it helps to know who you are. * Why is it important to know “who I am”? * What does it mean to know “who I am”? * How have the Steps helped me in knowing myself? (Step 4 is the obvious one, but what about the others?) * Step 1: starting to break through denial. My image of my life is not realistic. * Step 2: Starting to see that I am not the center of the universe, and that I can ask for help. * Step 3: Recognizing how much I want “my will”. Making a decision to ask for help, to follow outside direction. How hard it is! * Step 4: Looking in detail at myself, admitting my assets and my shortcomings. * Step 5: How much I really don’t want to expose my “failings”! How much I fear your judgement. * Step 6: Coming to own my inventory. Starting to recognize some of the “why” about what I do (and don’t do). * Step 7: Humility: I can be teachable. * Step 8: Recognizing the ways in which my shortcomings have caused me to harm others, whether deliberately or by oversight. * Step 9: Seeing my shame, my fear of rejection, my fear of judgement. And also my courage and honesty. * Step 10: Continuing to know myself more deeply. * Step 11: Getting in touch with my own spirit, getting “out of my head”. Who am I when I’m not “chattering” away in my mind all the time? * Step 12: Recognizing the ways in which I have awakened. Please call us at 734-707-8795 or email feedback@therecoveryshow.com with your questions or experience, strength and hope. Or just leave a comment right here. The reading in this episode is from Start Where You Are by Pema Chödrön. Music from the show Jimmy Eat World: The Middle Gnarls Barkley: Crazy India.Arie: I Choose    

What is your story? What brought you to recovery? What challenges have you faced? What have you found here? We had a conversation with Laura about recovery where the local language is not her native tongue. We were guided by these questions. * What brought you to Al-Anon? * How did you hear about or find the Al-Anon program? * How has your life changed since coming to recovery? * What have you learned about yourself? * How do you live your life differently? * What is it like trying to practice recovery in a country that is not your own? * Where the common language is not your first language? * Where the culture is different from your own? * What challenges does this pose? * Finding meetings? * Getting literature? * Finding a sponsor or other “program people” to talk to? * How has your sponsor helped you? * What would you say to someone in a similar situation who is new to Al-Anon? * Who has not yet come to their first meeting? Our readings are from How Al-Anon Works, p. 30 and One Day at a Time in Al-Anon, October 23. Upcoming topics include fear and faith, as captured in this statement from the “gifts of Al-Anon”. “Fear will be replaced by faith, and gratitude will come naturally as we realize that our Higher Power is doing for us what we cannot do for ourselves.” Please call us at 734-707-8795 or email feedback@therecoveryshow.com with your questions or experience, strength and hope. Or just leave a comment right here. Music from the show The Police: Every Breath You Take

What does it mean that this is a program of “rigorous honesty”? How have you been dishonest to others and to yourself? What have you learned about honesty in recovery? This workshop on honesty was presented by Michele R (AA) and Kim G (Al-Anon) at the 2013 Journey to Serenity Festival (Saskatchewan Al-Anon Adult Children Festival), October 26, 2013. In the workshop they posed these questions, from various sources, that help me explore my honesty, present and past. * How did I fail to tell the truth as a child? * What stories do I pass on without checking they are true? * How do I compliment people when I feel they’ve done a good job? * How can I tell the difference between the way things look to me and the way they really are? * In my interactions with others do I tell the truth or do I say what I think they want to hear? * What walls have I built to hide the person I am from others? * How does honestly sharing the secrets of my past help me recover from the emotional damage I have endured? * Where did I critique or put down someone else or try to hide it by saying I’m just trying to be “helpful” or giving “constructive criticism”? * Did I try to hide a bad motive under a good motive? * Do I spend a good amount of time on things that make the world a more loving place? * Where am I spending energy on activities that are draining rather than life giving? * Am I committed to participating in a community? * Am I willing to receive as well as to give? * Is my higher power’s opinion of me the one I value most in my life? Upcoming topics include a personal story; faith and fear; and “who am I?” Please call us at 734-707-8795 or email feedback@therecoveryshow.com with your questions or experience, strength and hope. Or just leave a comment right here. Music from the show Depeche Mode: Policy of Truth Beyoncé: Honesty Aretha Franklin: Truth and Honesty    

What does it mean to forgive? Why do we talk of “finding” forgiveness? And who really gains from forgiveness? * What does forgiveness mean? * Dictionary Merriam Webster has this simple definition of the word forgive: “to stop feeling anger toward (someone who has done something wrong) : to stop blaming (someone)” And also this: “to give up resentment of” * To me? * How did I understand forgiveness before recovery? * Forgiving meant condoning the other person’s actions? * If I forgave someone, I had to like them, be ok with their company? * They had to apologize first? * If I forgave, I had to “forget”? * What new understandings of forgiveness did I discover? * One of the “gifts of Al-Anon” in From Survival to Recovery is this: “As we gain the ability to forgive our families, the world, and ourselves our choices will expand.” * How do I understand this gift? * How have I seen it happen in my life? * How does forgiveness help me? * What if someone did something truly unforgiveable? * How can I forgive them or their action? * Why would I want to? * What story or stories can I share about * Finding forgiveness * Having difficulty finding forgiveness * Forgiving without forgetting. * What would I say to a newcomer about forgiveness “the Al-Anon way”? Join our conversation. Please call us at 734-707-8795 or email feedback@therecoveryshow.com with your questions or experience, strength and hope. Or just leave a comment right here. Music from the show Christina Aguilera: Hurt Matthew West: Forgiveness Parker Ainsworth: The Forgiver    

Start where you are. Bring your angry self. Bring your despairing self. Bring your resentful and frustrated self. Bring your confused self. And we will meet you there. Sometimes I think I need to be “ready” before I can do something, before I can make a change. But that’s not true of our program. I was able to start where I was, and I can still start where I am. How does this work? How was I able to “start where I am” at each point along the path of recovery? Because recovery is a process, not an event. * Walking into my first meeting. * You met me where I was. You didn’t require that I know anything, that I agree to anything, you just welcomed me. * Step 1: We admitted that we were powerless over alcohol – that our lives had become unmanageable. * My first challenge – what does “powerless” mean? Can I admit that I am “powerless”? How do I recognize the unmanageability of my life? Is this where I am right now? * Step 2: Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. * I start into this step where I am: questioning the very existence of a Higher Power. Some start into this step with a vengeful, angry God. No matter where we start, we can find an understanding of this step. * Step 3: Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him. * If my starting point is “the meeting is my HP”, I can look for guidance and wisdom in the meeting, and try to follow that. * Step 4: Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. * This step has always met me where I was. As my starting point has changed, the inventory has also changed. My new point of view has revealed other aspects of myself, which were not visible earlier. * Step 5: Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs. * My first starting point for this step was “no way!” My second starting point was “there’s some stuff I’m just not going to talk about.” I *think* that, at this time, I’ve admitted all my wrongs, but I might be wrong about that. * Each time, there was power in the step, no matter where I started, and how “well” I did it. The point is to take the step, not to take it perfectly. * Step 6: Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character. * Again, my starting point has “moved” with time. I’ve gone from “well, of course” to “um, not that one!” to “please help me to become willing”. * I didn’t understand this step the first time I “took” it, but I did it anyway. * Step 7: Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings. * What does this step mean if I don't have a concrete idea of G-o-d? * But, I found that, when I ask for help, I find it, and I change. * Step 8: Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all. * The literature suggested that I can group my list into: people I am willing to make amends to, people I might be willing to make amends to, and those people who I was not willing to make amends to. * I started there, and found that my lists changed as I moved into Step 9. * Step 9: Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others. * Do the easy ones first, and don't worry about doing it perfectly! * Step 10: Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it. * I started doing this step before I actually got to it. Because I didn't want to add new things to my “Step 4 inventory.”