FBi's Fire Up!

All the off season atrocities so far including Dessie-gate, Robert Lui-Stevenson, Isaac Luke – G.R.U.B, Darren Lockyer to morph permanently into Darrell, The Tale of Two Todds, a live cross to Steve Mascord in a Leeds nightclub, and two remarkable stories from the world of rugby union. Don’t forget to keep up with all the summer goss at facebook.com/fireuprugbyleague and on Twitter @FireUpOnFBI or buy your not-so-loved ones Christmas gifts from cafepress.com.au/FireUpShop

We’ve been taught to love Manly and their players who are all wonderful human beings. Featuring special Manly and Warriors grand final songs written and performed live by the talented Denis Carnahan, and an appearance from the No. 1 Fire Up loving Irish sports blogger Dara. Also, PNG continues to make it’s case for inclusion in the NRL. Don't forget to check out all the Fire Up! merchandise at cafepress.com.au/FireUpShop and continue the farce at facebook.com/fireuprugbyleague

We make up for the media’s shocking lack of coverage of the Darren Lockyer saga, then suggest he should become a Rugby League Terminator. Hodges the Cat and Ben Creagh the Sugar Plum Fairy. The Tigers are both devastated and disappointed. Phil Gould completely unbiasedly calls on David Gallop to resign. Zorba goes from treating female journos like pieces of meat to selling them. And Rugby League saves the rhinos. Don't forget to check out all the Fire Up! merchandise at cafepress.com.au/FireUpShop and continue the farce at facebook.com/fireuprugbyleague

Gallop equates Melbourne fans to terrorists, then claims that they’ve fooled him once so shame on him, no wait, fool me twice… well he won’t get fooled again! Wayne Bennett turns traitor to pow wow with his new team and we translate Mark Taufua’s tweets. We revel in the possibility of Todd Carney moving to the Sharks while an unexpected bidding war breaks out. Tim Tam Tahu does some underwater UFC training, Choc “Wollemi Pine” Watmough turns to feeding homeless people and Brett Finch bemoans his mates cutting his grass. Also, the World Round-Up returns with a special Balkan focus. Don't forget to check out all the Fire Up! merchandise at cafepress.com.au/FireUpShop and continue the farce at facebook.com/fireuprugbyleague

Jamal Idris tortured by colonialists on Mad Monday. Todd Carney completes the redemptive-deremptive story by being sacked by the Roosters. Bozo, Arko and everyone else blame the “faceless men” for Zorba’s demise. Buzz begins making citizen arrests. Souths go AWOL. Ryan Tandy shows his financial smarts. Beau Scott to take on Dumbledore. Craig Bellamy takes away his own dignity. Billy Slater wins the Dally M and reveals he met his wife at the Pony Club (apparently it’s not a bar). And Akuila “The Thriller” Uate introduces a brand new way to Fire Up! Don't forget to check out all the Fire Up! merchandise at cafepress.com.au/FireUpShop and continue the farce at facebook.com/fireuprugbyleague

Manly do us all a favour and deliver in 3 seconds all that is held dear in Rugby League. The Final Round, 'good sorts' & St Wayne saves Darren or is it Darryl? And don't forget to continue the farce at facebook.com/fireuprugbyleague or if you dare encourage us, buy patented Fire Up! merchandise at cafepress.com.au/FireUpShop

Alan Jones joins the G.R.U.B. fray, Solomon Huamono blows the love whistle, Bingle Bora Boraed by 'loverat' Danny, NRL reveals the Academic All Stars (fact!), but Benji restores sanity by declaring at the court steps 'Let's Play League" And don't forget to continue the farce at facebook.com/fireuprugbyleague or if you dare encourage us, buy patented Fire Up! merchandise at cafepress.com.au/FireUpShop

Why are people so unkind to Little Jamie Soward? Why is Hadley a joke? and Why has Billy got new shoes when there is no ball to go to, only ditches to dig in Melbourne. Todd needs a Kevin Costner according to genius Max Markson, just like Blair & Clinton. Gus sends Jennings to 'The Last Chance Saloon' and then does a Neville Chamberlain to some bloke from the AFL (whatever that is) called Dale's Adolph Hiler in talks at 'The Rib & Rump'' Finally Gerard Depardeau in sympathy with the great Urinators in League.

Toddy gets some bad advice from 'The Pup' and then preempts the naysayers by heading to the 'Judgement Bar' with the Leadership Group. All hell breaks loose and the Roosters are looking good for 2011. A gus Doodle shakes the foundations of the NRL, with Buzz calling in a graphologist and Vossy outed as a G.R.U.B. by Bolts for his artistic temerity re comments on Rabs' Statue. And don't forget to continue the farce at facebook.com/fireuprugbyleague or if you dare encourage us, buy patented Fire Up! merchandise at cafepress.com.au/FireUpShop

The Dragons & Manly battle it out in the space race of the new millennium with calls for the NRL to get involved too. GPS balls. Nick Walshaw’s non-Pulitzer Prize winning article on Anthony Watts. Karmichael Hunt runs out of petrol and we learn that every case of the flu is a cry for help. Gaz begins modeling. Ben Hannant releases his own line of jewellery. Don't forget to check out the outrageous selection of new Fire Up! merchandise at cafepress.com.au/FireUpShop and continue the farce at facebook.com/fireuprugbyleague

Manly try and stifle the free speech of Australia by criticising star actor Scott McRae, Brett Stewart cries poor because he has to buy his own shoes, and Will Hopoate needs to learn to spurn the advances of Stifler’s Mom. Jarryd Hayne’s headbutting skills on show, but he only wants to be known as a “human being”. Michael Ennis thinks grub is a “strong word”. Lara Bingle makes a return to Fire Up as we call for the changes to the immigration procedures. And a bumper ‘Around The Grounds’ edition of our increasingly popular “World Wrap”. Don't forget to check out the outrageous selection of new Fire Up! merchandise at cafepress.com.au/FireUpShop and continue the farce at facebook.com/fireuprugbyleague

We’re back after Brett’s 2 week fact finding mission to the Nordic Cup and boy is there a lot to catch up on. Like Ricky Stuart’s phenomenal achievement, Mal’s filth and rats, and Darren Lockyer’s fun loving alter ego Darrell. Plus there’s the Brisbane Bombers (whoever they are), Russell Crowe’s strange celebration to Chris Sandow’s entirely un-premature celebration, Mini’s even stranger “cocksackievirus”, Khoder Nasser channeling Aristotle and our now regular World Rugby League Round-Up (go the Nords!). All with our special guest celebrity blogger Nick Tedeschi – check out his excellent site at www.makingthenut.com – And don't forget to continue the farce at facebook.com/fireuprugbyleague or if you dare encourage us, buy patented Fire Up! merchandise at cafepress.com.au/FireUpShop

We’re about to witness “the most important sporting event in the history of the world” – and we’re not talking about the Nordic Cup – it’s Origin 3! At the stadium on steroids: Lang Park, featuring “the toughest rugby league player in the history of the world”. Mal obviously hasn’t watched enough Law & Order. Jharal Yow Yeh demolishes a few buffets. We preview our new art house flick “The Dead Eyes of Darius Boyd”. Ricky talks about Lockyer’s “wantage”. We go on another Fire Up investigation to find the person who stole and torched Nathan Tinkler’s Ferrari. Brett Stewart and Anthony Watmough meet Stifler’s Mum. Anthony Watts also struggles with the concept of our legal system. Hoppa’s latest king hit labeled a “dog shot”. Matthew Elliott and Brian Smith combine to make the best coaching combination ever. Gus wants Ivan Cleary to marry his daughter. We appreciate the architecture in Beirut. Don't forget to continue the farce at facebook.com/fireuprugbyleague or if you dare encourage us, buy patented Fire Up! merchandise at cafepress.com.au/FireUpShop

The real Jonathan Thurston conspiracy is: “which Jonathan Thurston conspiracy is real?”, R.I.P. Rex “Moose” Mossop, Paul Gallen aka “The Indestructible Animal” (TM) is the new Messiah/Modern Day Warrior (and Nathan Gardner’s an idiot), Penrith’s a Club in Crisis, Daine Laurie’s no Don Draper, Rotten Taumata’s at it again with a Vitamin V prescription, Spewing is the new truth session, Will Hopoate’s in demand because “he’s a good bloke”, Paul Crawley continues his push for power at the Telegraph, Jamal Idris compares himself to Ghandi and Nelson Mandela, Hot Toddy Carney starts taking a special new medication, Piggy Riddell retires and won’t be missed by Brett, Denmark is FINALLY included in the Nordic Cup – Go The Nords! And get on board our campaign to have Ricky Stuart re-instated as “The Game’s Greatest Thinker” by emailing Dave Riccio now – ricciod@sundaytelegraph.com.au – you know you want to. Don't forget to continue the farce at facebook.com/fireuprugbyleague or if you dare encourage us, buy patented Fire Up! merchandise at cafepress.com.au/FireUpShop

Don't let anyone tell you differently p we've always loved Sticky & Paul Gallen aka the Indestructible Animal (TM). So we're calling on all our three listeners to petition Buzz Rothfield to reinstate Ricky Stuart as "The Game's Greatest Thinker". Also: Paul Crawley continues his assault on Nick Walshaw's job; Greg Inglis aka The Rolls Royce struggles with his handling in the wet; we find Greg Bird a new use for pool cues; Russell Crowe loves all people of all races; Rugby Union in South Africa gets interesting while Rugby League Deutschland breaks a World Record; and Tony Ayoub tries some experimental new pants on Michael Ennis. Don't forget to continue the farce at facebook.com/fireuprugbyleague or if you dare encourage us, buy patented Fire Up! merchandise at cafepress.com.au/FireUpShop