ON BOYS Podcast

The shower at Jen's house Have a boy who hates to shower? You are not alone! When a mom recently asked the Building Boys Facebook group, "Anyone else have a teenage boy who hates to shower?" she was quickly inundated with support and sympathy. Personal hygiene, it seems, is not a priority for most tween and teen boys. Lots of moms said they're dealing with the exact same issue. Others said that their boys spend a lot of time in the shower, but come out with unwashed, still-dirty hair. Is this lack of interest in appearance and, um, smell, merely a stage that will resolve without intervention? Or should parents and teachers take a more active role in teaching and reinforcing hygiene habits? Turns out, the best approach is actually a combination of those two strategies. In this episode, Jen & Janet discuss: * WHY some boys seems oblivious to their own stench * The essential role of 5th grade teachers in the hygiene battle * How colored liquid soap can help boys shower effectively * "Man soap" vs. "girly soap" * Axe bombs (Don't know what that is? Listen in at 12:41!) * When -- and how -- to have the hygiene talk * When boys should start using deodorant - & how to make sure your boys use it regularly (Listen carefully for Jen's pro tips!) * The role of role-modeling in personal hygiene * How to get the stench out of your boys' gym clothes and sports uniforms * Tooth brushing (Spoiler: Instill good tooth brushing habits when you boys are young!) * Hair care * How to combine male bonding and hygiene rituals (not as weird as it sounds!) * BEING NEUTRAL! Links we mentioned (or should have) in Episode 120: Boying Up: How to be Brave, Bold and Brilliant. by Mayim Bialik -- A great book to leave laying around the house. Includes detailed hygiene instructions for boys. Parenting Teen Boys Is... -- BuildingBoys post by Jen. Includes this pic: Why Do Teenagers Smell Bad? Study Suggests They May Be Unable to Detect Own Scent -- report of Danish research

Kids want the skill set to empower them to make the right choices. -- Mike Domritz, founder of The Date Safe Project & father of 4 boys Talking to boys about consent is a must. It's also incredibly challenging and a bit intimidating. Let's face it: if adults were consistently good at consent, there wouldn't be a constant slew of headlines alleging sexual assault and misconduct. The good news about the #MeToo movement is that it's moved the issue of consent into the national conversation. Increasingly, parents and educators are realizing that talking about the mechanics of sex is not enough; we have to talk about the messy realities of relationships. We need to teach our children how to treat others with respect, and how to set and maintain boundaries. We need to equip them with the skills to navigate a culture that's rife with stereotypes and sexual imagery. Mike Domritz has been working in this space for years. As the founder The Date Safe Project, Mike regularly talks to school children, college students, the military and parents about safe, healthy relationships.   In a world where people are constantly being told “What Not To Do,” The DATE SAFE Project believes the best approach is to give people positive how-to skills and helpful insights for addressing verbal consent (asking first), respecting boundaries, sexual decision-making, bystander intervention, and supporting survivors (opening the door for family and friends). In this episode, Jen, Janet & Mike discuss:  * How dating today is different -- and similar -- to "back in the day" (Spoiler: It's 95% similar!) * How parents inadvertently cause kids to mistrust their advice -- & how you can build connection instead * Porn (Heads up: There's no way to avoid porn in today's culture, so it's your job to equip your son with information and values he can use to process what he may see.) * How to make sure you -- not your boys' friends -- are their primary, most-valued source of information regarding sexuality and relationships * Why you should blow up a condom when discussing safe sex and contraception (Really!) * Specific language you can teach your boys so they can say no (or yes) to sexual activity * Whether or not to discuss your teenage sexual experiences with your kids * Helping boys understand the #MeToo movement * How to use TV, current events & music to discuss consent and relationships with your boys * Teenage slang for sex (Do you know what "smash" means?) * Why you always, always need to ask first  Links we mentioned (or should have) in Episode 119: Episode 110: Talk to Boys About Sex with Amy Lang The Date Safe Project -- Mike's website. Includes links to lots of resources, and info about how you can hire him to come talk to your school or community. Talking to Boys About Sexually Aggressive Girls -- 2014 BuildingBoys post. Includes tips boys can use to say "no." Episode 105: Masculinity in the Age of #MeToo Katy Perry, Benjamin Glaze, American Idol and the Unwanted Kiss -- Mike breaks down exactly why what happened was so wrong Special Offer for On Boys subscribers: FREE 48 hour access to Mike's video, "Help! My Teen is Dating." Click DSPbonus.

Sam Fink, age 12 Boys can learn a lot by starting and running a business. Jen's youngest son, Sam, bought his older brother's lawn business two years ago, when the older brother moved to Tennessee (where he has since started another lawn care service). At age 12, Sam has a roster of 18 clients. He cuts and trims lawns and performs most of the necessary maintenance on his machines. In this very special episode, Sam shares the story of his business, as well as some tips for would-be entrepreneurs and their parents. This episode is a great one to share with your boys! In this episode, Jen, Janet & Sam discuss: * The value of paid employment * How parents can encourage and support boys who are interested in starting a business * How to manage risk * The entrepreneurial mindset * Money management * Balancing school, work, and sports Links we mentioned (or should have) in Episode 118: Sam's Lawn Service on Instagram Episode 117: Summer Jobs Episode 116: Why Risk is Important for Boys  

Photo by Austin Kirk via Flickr Does your son have a summer job? Most boys don't. In 1978, 60% of teens had summer jobs; today, that number hovers between 35 and 40%. Boys today are more likely to spend their days playing sports, brushing up on academics and traveling with family or as part of mission teams. (And playing Fortnite.) Years ago, getting a job was an expected rite of passage for teens. In today's hyper-competitive world, more and more parents focus time, attention and energy on "enrichment" activities designed to help children become attractive college applicants. But summer jobs are a great way to help boys confront RISK and develop RESPONSIBILITY, RESPECT and REVENUE. Thanks to a tight labor market in many parts of the country, there are still plenty of jobs available for teens and tweens. In this episode, Jen & Janet discuss how to support your son's entry into the world of work. In this episode, Jen & Janet discuss: * Their first jobs * The unique benefits of paid employment, including feedback from others * Great, high-paying jobs for tweens and teens * How parents can help their boys turn unique interests & passions into a paying job Coming NEXT WEEK: We talk to 12-year-old Sam about his lawn care business. Links we mentioned (or should have) in Episode 117: What Your Teens Learn When They Get a Summer Job - blog post by The Money Couple, Scott & Bethany Palmer Teens Should Have Summer Jobs - The Less Glamorous, The Better -- Quartz article 7 High-Paying Summer Jobs for Teens - Forbes article On Boys Episode 116: Why Risk is Important for Boys Gangnam Style, Lifeguards & Work Ethics - 2012 BuildingBoys post (Excerpt: "Our kids need to understand that employee handbooks still apply in the Age of the Internet.") Orienting Your Boy's Priorities During His Teenage Years -  2018 Building Boys post (Spoiler: "A Job" is on the list) And, as always, enjoy the uncut version of Janet and Jen - sometimes trying to figure out what to say - here on Youtube.

How comfortable are you with risk? Do you respond with fear or encouragement when your son wants to try something new? How about when you find him climbing atop your tree house? Or doing flips off a public staircase? Adults' desire to keep boys safe often interferes with boys' ability to take chances and try new things. But "protecting" boys from risky activity can actually cause harm. Boys (and girls) need to try scary, challenging things that are just beyond their current skill set in order to grow and thrive. When we eliminate risk from our children's lives, we hamper their emotional and physical development. It's not easy to confront our own fears and societal pressure in order to give our boys ample opportunities to experiment and explore. But that's exactly what our boys need. In this episode, Jen & Janet discuss: * Why boys need risk * Societal challenges that make it harder than ever for boys to find & face risk * Boys' ability to manage risk * How risk fuels confidence & competence * What parents, grandparents & teacher can do to encourage kids to step out of their comfort zones * Why it's especially important for Moms to take risks * The link between curiosity and risk-taking * 5 tips to encourage healthy risk-taking: * Reject arbitrary rules & limits * Follow his lead * Adjust your focus * It's OK to look away * Let him see you trying new things * How risk can make life more fun Links we mentioned (or should have) in Episode 116: My Horrible Mom Moment -- 2009 blog post by Jen, telling the story of her youngest son's bike crash Youngest Son Sets Ambitious Goal and Ends Up With Lollipop - A reframing of the above story Let Them Take Risks -- US News article by Jen, inspired by her then 14-year-old son when he said, "I wish I lived back in Dad's childhood." The Walk -- 2015 film about tightrope walker Philippe Petit's walk between the Twin Towers Freerangekids.com -- Lenore Skenzay's website, all about empowering kids The Good News About Bad Behavior – Katherine Reynolds Lewis’ book. Includes study that says exposure to risk at young ages decreases phobias. Summer Safety: Preventing Injuries -- BuildingBoys blog post by Jen You can watch the uncut version of this podcast episode on Youtube.

Your son is not the only one struggling. According to Dr. Warren Farrell -- and a slew of research -- boys in 63 of the largest developed nations are faring worse than girls. They're doing worse academically. They're falling behind in the workplace. And their physical and mental health is failing as well. In his new book, The Boy Crisis: Why Our Boys Are Struggling and What We Can Do About It, Farrell (and his co-author, John Gray) examine the many factors contributing to the boy crisis. They also point toward possible solutions. Solving the boy crisis will take a lot of effort on the part of parents, teachers and politicians, but it's a cause that's well worth our attention, because when our boys suffer, society suffers. In this episode, Jen, Janet & Warren discuss: * How (and why) father absence hurts boys & society * How moms (married or single) can encourage & support father involvement * Why so many boys suffer a "purpose void" * The importance of postponed gratification * The link between recess, vocational education and the boy crisis * How to find male mentors for your son * The 4 "must-do's" for divorced parents of boys * How dad deprivation may contribute to social violence -- including school shootings Links we mentioned (or should have) in Episode 115: boycrisis.org -- Dr. Farrell's website, jam-packed with info about the book and lots of links to other resources & organizations (including BuildingBoys & Boys Alive!) Coalition to Create a White House Council on Boys & Men -- multi-partisan effort working to create, well, a White House Council on Boys & Men, to research and implement initiatives to support the well-being of males, in the same way the White House Council on Women & Girls has since its establishment in 2009. Are Single Parents Bad for Boys? -- BuildingBoys post by Jen (Spoiler alert: The short answer is "not necessarily.") Is Shared Parenting Best for Boys After Divorce? -- personal blog post by Jen The Boy Crisis is Real - BuildingBoys' review of the book And, just for fun, watch the uncut version on Youtube!

Photo by Matthew Ingram via Flickr 'Tis the season for sleepaway camp and summer sleepovers! For some parents and kids, though, the prospect of a night away from home is scary. There are so many ‘what-if’s' that could happen: what if they’re cold? what if they get homesick? what if...what if...what if... But what if you let your kid go anyway? What if you work together to tackle any fear and uncertainty, and give your son the opportunity to test his skills and stamina? Time away from home is an opportunity for boys to: * Discover new parts of themselves * Build their resilience & self-esteem * Be in charge of their own growth * Learn how to struggle, suffer and navigate feelings of boredom * Connect and collaborate with others Sleepovers and sleepaway camp are a great opportunity for parental growth and development too. When you send your son away (temporarily!), you learn to.. * Let go. * Trust your kids * Allow other adults to mentor and influence your child. Still nervous? Listen to the podcast. :) In this episode, Jen & Janet dig in and discuss: * The right age for sleepovers and slumber parties * How to deal with separation anxiety * Why time apart is good for parents and kids * How to create sleepaway experiences on a budget Links we mentioned (or should have) in Episode 114: Homesick & Happy: How Time Away From Parents Can Help a Child Grow, by Michael Thompson Kidsickness: Help for First Time Parents from the Sunshine Parenting blog Homesickness Do's and Don'ts from the Sunshine Parenting blog To SEE Janet and Jen discussing their own summer adventures AND the benefits of letting your kids go... see us on youtube ... uncut! What have your experiences been with sleep-aways? Comment below!

Welcome to Part 2 of our first Listener Q & A! This week, Jen & Janet tackle 3 more questions: * "What strategies do you use to deal with a sudden increase in lying in pre-teen boys?" * "What's the best way to allow young boys to be adventurous/risky physically while maintaining a clear, safe boundary and being a responsible parent?" * "How do you talk about the needs of boys and the help they need without sounding dismissive of girls or anti-feminist? For example, as the mother of a boy, I'm not entirely sure I agree with making scouting gender-neutral. I think boys benefit from boys-only time. But how do I make that point without sounding sexist or anti-progressive?" Have we mentioned that you ask GREAT questions? In this episode, Jen & Janet dig in and discuss: * Why tweens are likely to lie (Hint: the tween -- & teen -- years are all about separating from your parents). * How your response to your son's lies will influence his future behavior (Not-so-fun fact: If you consistently come down hard on your kids, they're more likely to lie.) * When -- and which -- consequences are appropriate for boys caught in a lie? * The role of risk in boys' development. * How parental hovering can interfere with boys' development -- and inadvertently increase the risk of injury or inactivity. * Why moms and female teachers may be boys' most effective advocates! * How to advocate for boys without sounding sexist or anti-progressive. Jen & Janet have a lot of fun recording these podcasts -- as you can see in this fully uncut Youtube video. (Go to 3:30 if you want to see Jen & Janet crack up over a poop joke.) Links we mentioned (or should have) in Episode 113: Episode 112: Potty Talk, Vaping & School (Listener Q & A, Part 1)  "I Didn't Do It!" -- Jen's Scholastic Parent & Child article about why kids lie and how to foster truthfulness Let Them Take Risks -  U.S. News article inspired by Jen's 14 -year-old son Encouraging Your Son to Take Healthy Risks -- article by Jen For Our Boys - BuildingBoys' call for moms to advocate for boys Got a question you’d like us to answer in a future episode? Leave it in the comments below.

When we put out a call for listener questions, you sent us some doozies! In this, our first-ever Listener Q & A (Part 1), we tackle three of your questions: * "I just finished listening to the podcast episode with Amy Lang. I know she says we should begin talking to boys about bodies at 5 but wonder if this still applies to boys who are always using potty words and have horrible filters? My son unfortunately goes to school and talks to his friends about poop and butts." * "At what age is 'experimenting' with vaping developmentally acceptable and when is it a red flag?" * "When do you need to back the school and their approach and when do you challenge it?" We also laugh A LOT. In this episode, Jen & Janet discuss: * Potty talk (young boys LOVE talking about poop & butts & pee) * Fecal transplants (trust us: it was related to the topic at hand!) * Vaping  -- and what to do if you discover your son has been experimenting * School conflicts -- when to back the school, and when to back your boy (and how to effectively do both) Links we mentioned (or should have) in Episode 112: * Everybody Poops, by Taro Gomi * Fecal Transplantation, by Johns Hopkins Medicine * Episode 110: Talk to Boys About Sex with Amy Lang * Boys, Porn & Masturbation - great info from Amy Lang * E-Cigarettes -- information on vaping from the Nemours Foundation, a credible, reliable source of health information * Episode 101: Homework and Boys Enjoy our zany recording day in the fully uncut version on Youtube - you'll hear both part 1 and 2. Got a question you'd like us to answer in a future episode? Leave it in the comments below.

Photo by ASDA NRCS Montana According to the Oxford Living Dictionaries, self-esteem is "confidence in one's own worth or abilities; self-respect." That's something we want for our kids. We're not talking about participation trophies simply for showing up; we're talking about a true sense of pride that comes for knowledge of your capabilities. Nurturing that kind of self-confidence is a crucial part of helping boys grow into healthy men. But how do we do that? It's not as hard as we adults often think. In this episode, Jen shares some "little things" that actually turned out to be big things, including her youngest son's base-crawling adventure at a local 4th of July celebration, and her oldest son's dandelion sale, which sparked a lifelong interest in entrepreneurism. The key, Janet says, is to start early, and give boys multiple opportunities to contribute in a meaningful manner. And boys give us plenty of clues as to how we can help them. As the proverb says, "It is easiest to ride a horse in the direction that it is already going." The best part is that building boys' self-esteem is a win-win-win situation: Boys develop a strong sense of self-worth; develop skills they can use to help their families, schools and communities; and gain the experience and skills they need to care for themselves and others in adulthood. BTW, Jen talks with her hands A LOT. Check out the uncut, video version of this episode at  https://youtu.be/pl8euUNcz5E.  In this episode, Jen & Janet discuss: * How "little things" are actually important opportunities to build -- or squelch -- boys' self-esteem * The link between responsibility & self-esteem * Boys' drive to contribute to their families, schools and communities * The role of failure in developing self-esteem (and how you can help boys productively handle failure) * The link between risk & self-esteem -- and why it's so important to let our boys try things beyond their current capability * How to preserve boys' self-esteem in school * The right (and wrong) way to praise Links we mentioned (or should have) in Episode 111: Why Boys Do What They Do -- Jen's blog post about her son's adventure crawling around the bases 5 Ways to Boost Your Child's Self-Confidence  -- Motherlist post by Vicki Little Let Them Take Risks -- U.S. News article by Jen Let Him Fail - blog post by Janet Creating High Self-Esteem in Your Boys - BuildingBoys blog post

Amy Lang is a sex educator -- and the mom of a teenage boy who is utterly mortified by his mom's career. If anyone understands just how awkward talking about sex with your son can be -- and how important it is to push through despite your the discomfort -- it's Amy.   Amy is the creator of Birds + Bees + Kids, a fantastic resource for parents, childcare providers and educators. She speaks frequently about sex education and has written two books about sexuality and dating. She's down to earth and a whole lot of fun. We laughed a lot while recording this episode! In this episode, Jen, Janet & Amy discuss: * When to have “The Talk” with your son * How to initiate the conversation – and what to say * Why you gotta explain oral and anal sex * How to convey sexual values and talk about consent Links we mentioned (or should have) in Episode 110: http://birdsandbeesandkids.com/  -- Amy’s website It’s Not the Stork: A Book about Girls, Boys, Babies, Bodies, Families and Friends, by Robie H. Harris Birds + Bees + YOUR Kids: A Guide to Sharing Your Beliefs about Sexuality, Love and Relationships, by Amy Lang Tea Consent – YouTube video using a cup of tea as an analogy to help you and your boys understand consent My Unfortunate Erection – song from The 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee https://buildingboys.net/health/sex/ -- Jen’s series of informational blog posts ======================================================================= And YES, you can watch the UNCUT version of our conversation on YouTube!  

Photo by Craig Marren via Flickr  Is Gun Play Really Okay? A generation ago, gun play was an acceptable part of childhood. Parents gave their kids toy guns as gifts -- yes, even Red Ryder BB guns! (and yes, that's A Christmas Story reference) -- and boys regularly played Cops and Robbers and War both at school and in the neighborhood. Today, we're a little more leery of gun play. And no wonder. Mass shootings seem to happen with alarming regularity, and without exception, the shooters so far have been male. No one wants their son to grow up to be the next school shooter. No one wants their son to kill another human being in anger. So, yeah -- we're understandably nervous when our boys nibble their toast into a gun shape and say, "bang!" But what's the best way to respond to boys' fascination with guns and weapons? Note ~ Girls play with guns, too.  This is my friend's daughter playing at the beach with some conveniently shaped sticks just recently: In this episode, Jen & Janet discuss: * Why boys are so attracted to gun play * The benefits of gun play (Yes -- there ARE benefits!) * The risks of gun play, especially for African-American boys (12 year old Tamir Rice was playing with a toy gun when he was shot by police.) * Common sense guidelines for gun play * How teachers and childcare professionals can uphold school rules that ban pretend violence without shaming boys Links we mentioned (or should have!) in Episode 111: Gun Play -- American Journal of Play article by professor emeritus Jay Mechling Voices on Gun Play - round-up of parents' thoughts, feelings and concerns regarding gun play, by Janet Is Gun Play OK? -- article by Jen Weapons Play is OK -- blog post by Jen (apparently answering the question she posed in the above article!) When it Comes to Toy Guns, Little Black Boys Don't Have the Luxury of Play -- BoysAlive! post by Karlie Johnson Common Sense Guidelines for Gun Play -- blog post by Jen Guidelines for Gun Play -- blog post by Janet Gun Play at School: What's a Teacher to Do? - blog post by Janet ============================== Watch the UNCUT version on Youtube here. ==============================

Photo by Isengardt via Flickr Why do boys spend so many hours playing videogames?  And how worried should we be about the hours they spend gaming? To get some answers, we turned to a true expert: Greg Wondra, a former boy & current parent who also happens to be video game designer who worked on the MLB 2K series, Wizard 101, Lost Planet 3, and Monkeyquest, Greg Wondra, video game designer & dad In this episode, Jen, Janet & Greg discuss: * Why boys are so attracted to video games * How to help boys balance video games and other activities * Red flags that might signal a problem with gaming * What you need to know about social games and online gaming (such as Fortnite) * How video games help boys develop 21st century job skills * How games are designed to "suck you in" -- & how you can counter their call Links we mentioned (and more!) in Episode 108: How the War on Video Games is Hurting Your Son, by Jennifer L.W. Fink Are Video Games Bad for Boys? (YouTube video featuring Greg Wondra) Gamasutra.com -- gaming industry website What’s your experience with boys & video games?  Share in the comments below…

Photo by Ryan Quick via Flickr Can your video game-loving boy turn his passion into a career? Perhaps, says our special guest, Greg Wondra. Greg is a veteran game designer who worked on the MLB 2K series, Wizard 101, Lost Planet 3, and Monkeyquest, and currently teaches video game design to high school students at Kern County Regional Occupational Center in California.   Greg directing a motion capture session with Derek Jeter for the MLB 2K baseball game.     Jen & Greg. Notice some resemblance? (They're brother & sister!) In this episode, Jen, Janet & Greg discuss: * Why video games aren't a waste of time * How a "grand curiosity" can lead to a lucrative career * Viable career opportunities for gamers * The educational background necessary to work in the gaming industry * Low-cost ways to nurture boys' interest in game design Links we mentioned (and more!) in Episode 107: USC Games Program Entertainment Arts & Engineering at the University of Utah Intro to Game Design -- Greg's Udemy course Unreal Engine 4: Create an Arcade Classic -- another Udemy course by Greg

Photo by Paul Inkles via Flickr How many hours per week do your boys spend in front of a screen? According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, children ages 6-10 now spend 6 hours per day using screens as entertainment. That figure doesn't count time spent learning via screens at school, or videochatting with grandma and grandpa. In this episode, Jen & Janet discuss: * Expert recommendations for screen time vs. reality * Whether or not screen addiction is a "thing" * Signs that your son might be spending too much time with screens * How to help boys establish a balance between screentime and other activities * The upside of screens Links we mentioned (or should have!) in Episode 106: Glow Kids: How Screen Addiction is Hijacking Our Kids - And How to Break the Trance  -- book by Nicholas Kardaras, PhD Family Media Use Plan – interactive tool from the American Academy of Pediatrics Screenwise: Helping Kids Thrive (& Survive) In Their Digital World – book by Devorah Heitner Is Screen Time Really All That Bad? – blog post by Jennifer L.W. Fink The Link Between Freedom & Video Games – blog post by Jennifer L.W. Fink Moral Combat: Why the War of Violent Video Games is Wrong -- book by Patrick Markey and Christopher Ferguson