2 Homos - Lesbian Podcast

We put a lot of trust into our doctors when we go in to have some sort of procedure done in the hospital. Once you're asleep on the table with a crowd of people around, wearing only a hospital gown with a slit all the way up your back, anything can happen. Before the anesthesia kicks in, check around for anything suspicious looking, such as anal lube, a six-pack of condoms or instructions about how to upload videos to YouPorn.

Just because more states are starting to allow Gay marriage, it doesn't mean you should just rush right into things. There are more things to consider than just whether or not your new spouse will love you 'til death do us part. Now instead of just tossing your crap out on the front lawn, you have to worry about your new spouse getting mad and chopping off your jewels. Better start sleeping with a steel chastity belt...and make sure it's locked tight.

It used to be that a slutty young gold digger could just give an old man a good roll in the hay, he would have a heart attack and die immediately after signing away his will to the new 20 year old he just stared banging. Now with Viagra, those old bastards can hang on forever. Now you really have to think about whether or not it's worth it to marry Hugh Hefner just to be come the heir to the Playboy fortune.

What's not to like? You get three square (but very salty) meals a day, an enema every other day and someone to sponge bathe your genitals every couple of days. So what if people keep you up with their howling and screaming all night long, the lady next door comes in to your room to tell your visitors that you've been dead for two years or that the cleaning lady withholds toilet paper when you have to take a crap? You're living it up at the lovely Country Villa Convalescent Hospital.

Apparently there is a market for previously worn underwear that gets sold out of vending machines. Some people find it erotic and sexy. Some people also find Lesbians to be be hot and sexy. Therefore, previously worn Lesbian underwear must be sexy. Now you have a way to get rid of your old granny underpants with period stains and other discolorations while making some extra cash at the same time. It also saves you a trip to the Goodwill.

As Lesbians, we don't always have time to look up all our Lesbian culture questions on the Internet. We need those answers now. For example, if you're a vegan and you meet the woman of your dreams at a bar late one night, how will you know whether or not it's ok for you to go down on her? After all, humans are meat, right? We're going to need someone to create an app for this.

There's a reason why people in LA always travel by car everywhere they go and won't even walk to the convenience store on the corner. The car forms a protective barrier to keep you safe from the homeless people and other nuts walking around in Ugg boots in the middle of summer. It's not that being homeless is a problem, it's just that someone must be absolutely out of their mind if they're still wearing Ugg boots years after Paris Hilton gave them up.

Lesbians get a bad rap. Everyone thinks it's always the Lesbians that are out recruiting unknowing straight girls to join the ranks of Sisterhood. Finally, the truth can be told. After years of trepidation and doubt, it's finally come out that in reality it's the drunk straight girls that are out recruiting new Lesbians. At least that explains where all the toasters went.

Congratulations to NY for legalizing Gay marriage! As a public service to help Lesbians across the Empire State, U-Hauls across New York will be shutting down for the next three months. They like to call it a "cooling down" period, but we like to call it insurance for making sure the vagina you touched for the first time last night doesn't become your new wife by next week.

Roaches all over the floor, thick black hair in the bathtub, a half inch of dirt in the sink and bedbug stains on the mattress. Despite the fact that most people gave the hotel a thumbs down and would not stay there, still there are at least 21% of people that gave it a thumbs up. Those are the 21% of people I never want to meet in my life.

It's important for us as Lesbians to make sure that we always uphold the stereotypes people hold about Lesbians. You can do your part by making sure you sport a mullet at least once in your life, buy flannel shirts in three different colors and always be sure to wear comfortable shoes. Whenever possible, hold your wife's hand in public and give her a kiss on the lips in front of a crowd. Why do we need to do this you ask? Because it scares the crap out of straight people.

What most people fail to realize is that swearing can be a serious addiction. Most addicts are helpless to stop and need some type of intervention to help them break the cycle. You'll know you've hit rock bottom when you realize that you can't get through a complete sentence without swearing at least once, and when the first word that comes out of your baby's mouth is, motherfucker.

It's finally become clear that the real reason most religions recruit is because getting into heaven is a pyramid scheme. The more people you bring in, the better your chances of getting into heaven during the Rapture. Too bad you can't just get points every time you swipe your credit card.

Motherhood sounds all nice and sweet like Winnie The Pooh and lollipops, until you realize that the best way to take a baby's temperature accurately is by using a rectal thermometer. It's bad enough to have your wife staring at you with the phone in her hand ready to dial 911, until you realize that the thermometer you're holding is actually the oral thermometer that you should have been using to take your own temperature earlier that same day.

Every Lesbian in the world is separated by only three exes or friends. You'll find proof at any event where Lesbians congregate. Tell just one person some interesting or exciting news and the Lesbian phone tree and cell phone networks will light up within 5 minutes to spread the news to everyone. The whole world will know that you're single again before your profile loads on Match.com.