The New Ark show

The New Ark

Summary: Fun fact: the Earth's about to explode. So we've launched The New Ark podcast to pick which animals to save, sailing through space to find Earth 2.0. New episodes each Tuesday. Follow along @newarkhives to leave your votes. All complaints in white ink. No refunds or returns. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

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  • Artist: Elliot Connor & Saf Nazeer
  • Copyright: Elliot Connor & Saf Nazeer

Podcasts:

 Jaguars | File Type: audio/mpeg | Duration: 47:34

Is Black Panther any good? What the f*** is a panther anyways? In the series' penultimate episode, we take a jackhammer to jaguars' reputation and reveal why God mucked up with camouflage. Do jaguars deserve a spot on the ark? Head to @newarkhives to leave your vote... See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

 Meerkats | File Type: audio/mpeg | Duration: 41:39

Saf's chance to take his revenge on cats being left for the coming apocalypse. Elliot's chance to rant about annoying ads and murderous nymphomaniacs. Who's in favour of the pet meerkat and nearly won one with their car insurance? Listen in to find out. Head to @newarkhives afterwards to vote: meerkats, good or bastards. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

 Earthworms | File Type: audio/mpeg | Duration: 53:09

This episode, Darwin and God team up to help worms worm their way on board. Elliot resorts to Star Wars' giant sandworms and the Mongolian death worm. And we discover the miracle of the transient anus. Head to @newarkhives afterwards to vote whether earthworms deserve a ticket to Earth 2.0. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

 Chameleons | File Type: audio/mpeg | Duration: 51:06

This episode: a starfish of chameleons in an aquarium. Also Saf misspells chameleon. Elliot plays the race card and reveals God's OG rules for animals on the ark. No longer will chameleons blend in and escape keen eyes- now they're out, exposed in the spot light, all their crimes laid bare for judgement. Do they deserve to make it on the ark? You decide. Cast your votes @newarkhives. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

 Bears | File Type: audio/mpeg | Duration: 51:31

So they killed 26 little children in the Bible, but never mind- bears are great, right? Then again, how did Goldilocks die? And what's up with the sloth bear ripping out peoples faces whilst they're still alive? Are bears hairy Chewbacca jedis or will they join the dark side? Head to @newarkhives afterwards to cast your vote on if bears get the golden ticket to Earth 2.0 or if farcical fire and brimstone better suits their crimes. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

 Bees | File Type: audio/mpeg | Duration: 57:33

In this un-bee-lievably bee-eautiful episode, the honey-tongued Saf defends bees against Elliot's lambasts. Inventors of democracy or imperialist autocracy? Hive mind or mindless bombing suicides? And what kind of bee makes hallucinogenic rainbow honey? All this and more- head to @newarkhives afterwards to cast your vote on if bees merit a spot on our space cruise. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

 Wolves | File Type: audio/mpeg | Duration: 51:13

How do you catch a wolf with one hand down its throat? Listen in to find out. Fairy tale villains or misunderstood cretins- all will be revealed as Elliot and Saf sink their teeth into the gritty business of wolves. And supervolcanoes. Because why not? Head to @newarkhives afterwards to vote on whether wolves deserve a place on the all new and improved ark. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

 Fungi | File Type: audio/mpeg | Duration: 42:26

Saf's been eaten by fungi and now they're here to claim their mouldy old spot on the ark. They're not even animals but hey- who cares? They're serial killers anyway, so it take a very stupid person to get on their bad side. Like Elliot. Special guest Marika Bell wisely defends them. Head to @newarkhives afterwards to cast your vote: fungi friends or foes? See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

 Bats | File Type: audio/mpeg | Duration: 51:46

They rhyme with cats, which is always a bad omen, but will bats make it on the ark? Only time will tell. And a rant or two from Elliot along the usual lines- bats being responsible for both COVID and World War 3, of course. Listen closely then head to @newarkhives to vote if bats get that golden ticket to a new world... or not. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

 Raccoons | File Type: audio/mpeg | Duration: 58:09

Raccoons are obese good-for-nothing big black-and-white rats. Or are they? In this marvellous episode, Elliot fails abysmally to find a more popular Marvel film than Guardians of the Galaxy and we discuss whether raccoons can really talk- very, very, briefly. Head to @newarkhives after listening to vote on whether these critters deserve a spot on the ark. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

 Anglerfish | File Type: audio/mpeg | Duration: 53:09

Anglerfish: dope or deep sea shit? Rapists or celibate saints? Slave drivers or shining beacons of hope? In the first and only episode of The New Ark not to reference Jurassic Park, we dive into the angry devils that are anglerfish and Saf almost drowns. Do they deserve a spot on the ark? Leave your vote @newarkhives. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

 Girpigeodile | File Type: audio/mpeg | Duration: 42:28

Welcome to the inaugural Royal Rumble. Up for debate this week: not one but three animals which you the audience couldn't decide on. Pigeons, crocodiles and giraffes all get successively bigged up then eaten alive as Saf and Elliot are joined by special guest Joseph Grove from the Animal Wellness Podcast to thrash out which critter merits that golden ticket and an all expenses paid trip to paradise. Follow the action @newarkhives. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

 Snakes | File Type: audio/mpeg | Duration: 1:00:23

Thisssss week: it'sssss dessseption and ssssnake oil for our sssssslithering animal guesssssst. Prepare for ssssssibilance galore as Elliot revels in stringing up snakes and Saf triessss to ssssave them. Do they dessserve a place on the ark? You decide.... leave your votes @newarkhives. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

 Armadillos | File Type: audio/mpeg | Duration: 47:13

This week: armoured dildos... oops- damn autocorrect! This week: armadillos!! Leprosied lunatics and cancerous cretins, these creatures' reputations take one hell of a beating. Is their chance at arkly salvation a far cry? Will they ball up and die? You decide... leave your votes @newarkhives. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

 Butterflies | File Type: audio/mpeg | Duration: 54:02

This week: chrysalises crucified in a caterpillarific episode. Butterflies bashed as genocidal maniacs with appalling personal hygiene standards. Will they fly high or had they better flee? Arch enemy or ark-angel? You decide... leave your votes @newarkhives. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

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