Summary: I got called for jury duty a few weeks ago, and had to pay for one of those all-day parking lots. Turns out they didn't need me in court, so I was able to leave within the hour. Thirteen dollars lighter, I returned to my car annoyed at the expense of time and money. Looking for a way to put a positive spin on the situation, I took the ticket from my dashboard and approached a woman who'd just pulled into the lot. I smiled, waving to her, and quickly explained I no longer needed the ticket—which was still good through midnight—and that I wanted to give it to her. As I extended my hand, the lady pulled back, searched me over, and said 'Thank you' with a tone that sounded a lot more like Screw you. Funny, but I saw the movie, and as I recall little Haley Joel and Kevin Spacey said we were supposed to feel tingly and magical when we helped people for no good reason . As I drove off, I stewed over the incident, then fumed at the woman's attitude. Truth was, I'd still be out of the thirteen dollars, no matter what I did. So, the deeper question is why was I so pissed? Paying it forward, or performing a random act of kindness, goes over a whole lot better when there are no strings attached. Otherwise, when we mix in our hidden agendas, we do so at an expense to ourselves. Hours later, I was still thinking about the woman in the parking lot. The irony isn't lost on me that even though I wasn't called to sit on any jury that day, I'd appointed myself the judge of a complete stranger. I was surprised at how disappointed I was by incident. And the more I thought about it, the more I saw a side of myself that surprised me. Without realizing it, I'd set myself in a position of influence and because I held what looked like power; and I had certain expectations of the recipient of my good deed. When she didn't act right—like I expected her to—well, that wasn't in the script, Haley Joel! If we don't put ourselves in situations to learn and grow, then we won't. It's not always pleasant, but if I can eventually come around to recognizing any slippery beliefs, motives or expectations I've been unwittingly harboring, then I've done well. My friend Kimberly reminded me that we can only be responsible for our own actions and added that the woman could have been on her way to the courthouse as the victim—or as the perpetrator—in a court case and was probably consumed with her own thoughts. Who knows? she said, maybe that woman's freedom hung in the balance. You're gonna have to let this one go. That's the other thing: standing in judgment of others compromises our capacity for nonjudgment. Am I still an advocate of random acts of kindness? You bet I am—because I like to think I grow a little bit from the experience, no matter how imperceptible it may seem. The next time you pay it forward, I'd encourage you leave your expectations out of it if you can. And if you cant, then pay attention to any shifts that occur in you during the exchange. Instead of resisting the invitation to be open to the growth and change, stay with whatever feelings come up. Especially the uncomfortable ones. Contrary to what we may think, the act of so-called 'selfless' giving sometimes comes with strings—and it's not always warm and fuzzy. Pay it forward anyway, and keep the change. - - - - - - You might also like: Community Service Hammer Time If you're happy, do you know it?
