Our Modern Heritage: The Home & Family Culture Podcast

In 2009, Michael and I found ourselves stuck between a rock and a hard place, as they say. I had just had our first baby, and Michael was going to school for his Master's degree. We had recently moved to Northern Virginia so Michael could complete this degree, and I was working a day job to try and make ends meet. I was on maternity leave, and wanted more than anything to quit my job so I could stay home with my baby. I knew it was the right thing for me to do, and I really hated my job. The problem is, Michael was not able to find a job himself. When we moved to Northern Virginia, we knew, we just knew that Michael would be able to find work on the Hill because he'd had an internship in a Congressional office and had a good experience there. But, this was in the height of the Recession, and jobs just were not available. So, we had just had our baby, and I did NOT want to go back to work. We were seriously struggling. I was on maternity leave and had even requested an extension hoping and praying that Michael would find a job before I had to go back to work and leave my baby. The frustrating thing is, Michael and I knew that things should work out, but they weren't! They just weren't. We had done everything right! We checked off all the right boxes in the path to "success" so things were supposed to work out! But they weren't. Have you ever felt this way? Do you feel like your family is struggling, and you just can't put your finger on what it is? Tune in to hear about our miracles, and our struggles. This is the first of a three-part breakdown of my story, and the results I want to bring you as we go through this journey of designing our family culture.

As the owner of ACT OUT in Class, Adrian teaches emotional intelligence through drama workshops and shows teachers and mentors how to effectively do it themselves. He is an Associate Professor of Theatre and Head of Acting at San Diego State University and has over twenty years experience performing in various entertainment venues. His versatility in acting is immense, having done everything from being a seal trainer and stunt man to Shakespearean and comedic roles on the stage.

Last week, Michael and I loaded up our little family and drove out to Nashville, Tennessee to attend a marketing conference called Funnel Hacking Live. It was an inspirational week! I spent four days immersed in learning about marking, and defining myself as an entrepreneur. The first couple of days were particularly stressful because it's a lot of work to wrangle four little kids in a small vehicle or hotel room for such a long time. Top that with knowing I would be spending twelve- to thirteen-hour days at the conference, and the tension was thick. Those hotel rooms are not sound-proof, and there were zero kids channels on the TV. We, or I should say Michael had to get pretty creative. He did. Michael and the kids ended up having a great time touring the city, and I had a great time focusing on what I felt like I needed to learn. I love going to these kinds of events where you can network with people, learn new skills, and cultivate empowering beliefs. This event was no exception. It all that, plus it felt like I was at a big party the whole time! The MC of the event kept the crowd going. The speakers were enthusiastic and insightful. They brought O.U.R. (Operation Underground Railroad, rescuing children from sex trafficking) out to talk about what they're accomplishing (Click Funnels supports their cause and has donations built into their business model). They showed all the software improvements they are developing within the company. They brought out former cast members of Studio C (now JK! Studios). They had a raffle and gave away all kinds of swag (I picked up three more t-shirts for free!). They concluded the week with an outstanding concert from Lindsey Sterling! But, after all the fun and excitement, I learned a whole lot about how to shape my beliefs around what success looks like for me and my family. So this episode is a rundown of the best-practices I got out of how to be innovative and effective around goals and personal development. Of course, after we got home, I physically crashed. I got a nasty cold and didn't have much of a voice. But, I didn't want the week to pass without posting something, so here it is, even if it is late! I will be back to regularly scheduled programming next week with an amazing guest! Best Practices from FHL 2019 The secret to a wealth mindset is this: the wealthy believe that their most valuable asset is time. They don't trade their time for money, they trade their money for more time! They purchase assets rather than liabilities that give them more time. Check out The Millionaire Fastlane: Crack the Code to Wealth and Live Rich for a Lifetime!, Rich Dad Poor Dad: What the Rich Teach Their Kids About Money That the Poor and Middle Class Do Not! Education is not only for the sake of knowledge. The main goal of learning is for mastery. Don't worry so much about getting a general knowledge of as many things as you can. True success comes by mastering the skill you need to be proficient. Brendon Burchard came to the conference and discussed his 6 High Performance Habits.High Performance Habits: How Extraordinary People Become That Way. I had never read anything he's created, and didn't really know who he was, but I appreciated his six habits: Seek Clarity Generate Energy Create Necessity Increase Productivity Develop Influence Demonstrate Courage Belief about a situation creates an expectation that is either positive or negative. The situation itself is actually neutral. Our interpretation of it creates a positive or negative expectation. If it is positive, then the belief is based on faith. Negative belief creates fear. When that belief travels to our hearts, it becomes a feeling. Faith turns to anticipation, and fear becomes anxiety. Faith based beliefs lead to anticipation of a desired o...

I have found a common theme when discussing an effective culture: meetings and councils. Every time I read a book about communication, or problem-solving, or talk with a guest about creating a family culture, it often involves some kind of meeting, or sitting down to discuss plans, goals, values, or conflict resolution. Chanelle and I had a great conversation about how to hold effective family councils. She told me about great ways to diffuse hard feelings, or teenage eye-rolling when somebody in your family calls for a family meeting. make it fun don't only call a meeting to discuss serious things put personal devices aside and focus on the meeting allow for open discussion Holding councils allows for a family culture to feel open and welcoming. The family should be a safe place to discuss difficult topics. Regularly holding a family council, even to discuss fun things like planning the summer or creating a new tradition, will allow space for our families to open up about more serious matters. Chanelle shared an experience about when her son wanted to discuss politics during the latest Presidential election. He brought up his concerns during an impromptu family council! Here are three great resources Chanelle and I talked about to help with your family councils! Even Chanelle's own book: Parenting with Purpose! This post contains affiliate links to Amazon. Read up on my disclosure statement here.   Purpose of Moms Who Know Podcast Why family councils are so important to our family culture Why have family councils is empowering for our families What is a family council? Ways to use family councils to make decisions and resolve problems Councils sometimes as training opportunities, but not always Companionship councils and other councils Chanelle shares a story of counseling about the National election How to diffuse reluctance to come together to counsel Best-practices for effective family councils Family council is a tool to serve your family Chanelle's resource recommendations Chanelle's definition of legacy

I like to read a lot of personal development books. Growing up, my parents always had self-help, business and finance books lying around our house, and we even took a course together when I was a teenage to work on our self-awareness. I grew up familiar with Zig Ziglar, and Tony Robbins, and all of those gurus of personal development.  Knowing that is my own family history, it won’t come as a surprise that when I started to come up against some major trials in my life, I sought answers from all the gurus. I started reading as many books as I can, listening to the podcasts, and signing up for the courses. While nothing could ever replace my faith and testimony of The Restored Gospel of Jesus Christ, I also know that I can “seek...diligently and teach one another words of wisdom; yea, seek...out of the best books words of wisdom; seek learning, even by study and also by faith” (Doctrine & Covenants 88:118). So I searched for wisdom.  The wisdom I have found in these books has been incredible. I feel empowered by what I have learned, and my learning has been a supplement to my faith, and the knowledge I want to acquire. I’ve read dozens of books, but I am only just getting started!  More than advice That being said, now that I have been learning for some time now, I have to say that nothing has been more inspiring, more enlightening, and more challenging than starting this podcast. I started this with the hope that I would be able to learn some ideas about family culture, and developing my own family’s vision and mission. While that is the case, this growth has not only come from the study and interviews I’ve conducted. I can easily say that the majority of the growth I’ve experienced has come from the act of doing challenging things, stating my dreams out loud, and facing my insecurities about my weaknesses and my faults. Facing these insecurities has done more to shape my family culture than any amount of study ever could.  Putting myself out there, and having my faults glaring back at me has been one of the most difficult things I've ever done. I have not waited until I knew everything I wanted to know, or until I was “ready” to start this. There is SO much I want to learn, and even more that I dream of doing. Sometimes it feels impossible. Often it feels impossible because I look at other influencers, and other people doing what I dream of doing, and I usually look at their strengths through the lens of my weakness. Maybe that isn’t fair to me and what strengths I have, but envy is inevitable, and it’s a natural part of the growth process, I think. It’s natural to look at other people who seem to have what we want, and judge ourselves harshly.  Appearances can be deceiving  When I started this podcast, I started with this in mind in a way. I wondered how some families seem to have it all together, and seemed so happy, or their kids were well-behaved. I wanted to know if what they were doing was legitimate, or if it was a hallow shell representing what those families want you to see. I’ve seen a few families who seemed to be successful fall apart. I wanted to know what it took to have more than just the appearance of success, but actually thrive.  While I am getting closer to that answer, it has taken a lot of introspection, and harrowing up my own false beliefs, insecurities, and examining my weaknesses. Much of that has come from putting myself out there in the world, and doubting my capacity. Especially as I perceive so many other amazing creators’ work. I can’t help but envy their work and their progress. I have learned from hard experience that this envy can be very destructive! I have spent too much energy feeling sorry for myself until I had the courage to do something about the way I was feeling.  I’m not going to suggest that feelings of envy are a good thing, but I want to make a few suggestions for how to turn envy around into something useful when we feel ove...

KonMari, Clutter Busting, Clear & Simple, or Fly Lady If you haven’t seen anything about the new Marie Kondo Netflix show, you might be living under a rock. Just kidding. But, seriously, I went on and watched an episode to see what it’s all about, and I did feel myself getting infected by the declutter bug once again. All of this talk about Kondo’s method made me realize just how much I know about decluttering. It reminded me how much I used to be very, very organized and wish I could be again! I'm the sixth of seven kids, so I know a little about the accumulation of STUFF. Nine people in one house is just a lot of people, so we had a lot of stuff. I regret that a lot of that stuff stayed at our childhood home with my parents and now they are dealing with a lot of our stuff. Something I held onto when I was a kid (and I still have) are my marching band drumsticks. I love those things. I loved playing the drums and being in the marching band. I had the privilege of leading my drum core for three of my four years in high school. It wasn't because of my skill as a musician, necessarily, but it was because of my passion for the organization and the music. I loved it. I found out after I graduated that my band teacher named a drum cadence we had written after me. It's kind of weird to think that these kids shout out my name when they want to play that cadence while they're out marching, but it made me think about why those drumsticks matter to me. It isn't that they are imbued with my skill or my memories. It's because they represent the legacy I left behind at my school. The thing is, those drumsticks will never BE my legacy. I cannot go back in time and relive those years that I loved playing the drums. I also don't want my kids to hold onto them believing that they have some inherent value just because they were mine. What I want them to realize is that our lives are a legacy and I want to DO things that are memorable. I want our experiences and our passions to be memorable. We put way too much value into our stuff and acquiring stuff that those things become more important than our time and our stress over stuff. This year, my family has actually committed to NOT giving gifts for holidays and birthdays because we want to have experiences instead. My kids are a little disappointed but I want them to give up this obsession over stuff, and start valuing our experiences. I think it’s healthy to regularly go through our stuff and purge things that don’t serve our family anymore. I talked about this a bit in Episode 034 (Part 1, and Part 2) with Lee Waters and Brityn Bennet. Brityn said that she likes to keep her home organized because the mess creates what she called “white noise” that drowns out the important things in life. I noticed that theme in the first KonMari show. The couple on the show observed that their family life, and even doing chores was less frustrating, and they felt less anxious when they got their clutter under control.  I also feel like the outer clutter in the home is a reflection of my inner chaos. While I was learning about different coping strategies back in August, I had one particularly rough day when my kids had totally trashed our house. My anxiety was boiling over, and I just could not function. That’s rough when I have my kids home all day, and a lot depends on me! I went outside to sit on the back steps to sulk for a minute. Then, the thought came to me that no one else was going to get this work done! I need to just get in there and do my best. One of the principles I’d learned that I will talk about later came to mind to set the timer for fifteen minutes, and I got to work. A task I sincerely thought would take me all day took only one hour, and I had a crazy sense of accomplishment and peace.  In the article “Why Mess Causes Stress: 8 Reasons,

A friend of mine was visiting me with her three-year-old several years ago. We gave her little one a small puzzle to work on but she probably only put one or two pieces of the puzzle in herself because the whole time, her mom worked on the puzzle for her (even though it was supposed to be a distraction for the three-year-old), and she criticized the placement of the pieces, and said things like, "no, it goes here." I was in shock a little bit while I observed this going on. Of course I couldn't say anything, but I felt sorry for this toddler who wasn't given a chance to work it out alone. Jodie told me an experience that her mom would make her pack her own suitcase whenever they would go on vacation. It was a low-risk way for her to get experience doing something on her own. Jodie's mom trusted her to figure it out, and discern what she would need to take on the trip. Helping our children develop independence and confidence is like this. Our kids need opportunity to do things on their own, including problem-solving, hard work, and creating thinking! We live a world that people could not imagine fifty, or even twenty years ago. The jobs that exist today weren't even a thing. We can't begin now to image what the world will be like when our kids grown up and look for, or create, their livelihoods. Being problem-solvers, having confidence, and being innovative stem from the confidence and trust we show them as parents when they are are given opportunities to problem solve, create solutions, or innovate. Our children need to work out their place in this world, and the unique capabilities they have to produce results and solutions. I recently learned about the "Ten Mental Roadblocks" that limit our creativity (from a course I'm taking about math education) that I thought were interesting. The instructor got these Roadblocks from Optimist International. We often set these limitations on ourselves and our children because we fear the unknown or we don't want to have to put in the work to get creative. The first roadblock is that you believe there is only one right answer. How boring is that?? Second, we believe that the problem is not logical so we give up before we even start. Third, we have to follow the rules in order to find the solution. Fourth, we believe our solution has to be practical, but actually most solutions are uncovered because we encounter something impractical! Fifth, we believe that play is frivolous! Actually, play or being a state of relaxation is a great way to come up with solutions! Sixth, we make the excuse that the problem to be solved isn't our area of expertise, or it isn't our strength, or it isn't our problem. So, we give up the responsibility to find a solution! Seventh, it is natural to want to avoid ambiguity which is an inevitable part of a problem to be solved. Eighth, we naturally want to avoid looking like a fool. Ninth, we look bad if we make a mistake. And, tenth, we claim that we just aren't creative. Think if we thought the opposite when we are presented with a problem to be solved! First, we believe that there are many solutions to a problem and we want to see how many we can find. Second, we learn to explore illogical solutions to problems. Third, maybe we break some of the rules and figure out new angles for solving a problem. Fourth, we embrace the impractical and see what we discover. Fifth, make it fun! Sixth, take responsibility for our ability to find a solution. Seventh, embrace the unknown and see what can happen when you try something new. Eighth, be a little crazy or at least a little weird. Ninth, fail, and learn from it. Tenth, change your personal narrative about what you are capable of. Creativity just means having a unique perspective. All of us have that! As our kids grow, they will need our trust to empower them to be creative and have confidence.

I asked Jessica how self-care isn't selfish, and she said that actually it might be! Why not?! We are all worthy of having our needs met. We also need to be capable of modeling what it looks like take care of our needs and be thriving adults. Sometimes we need to actually be willing to parent ourselves. We would not allow our children to eat junk food all day long, yet we so often leave our needs to the very last and neglect our own nourishment. When we take care of ourselves we are better capable to manage the stress of our lives, we are more balanced, and healthy. Jessica taught me about how to be more mindful of ourselves so that we can establish more calm and more presence to our needs, and our families' needs. We also talked about how important it is to create good habits that allow us to be more present to our daily needs. Good habits establish neural connections that make it easier to lay a foundation of healthy behaviors so we don't have to work so hard to keep up with necessary activities. Our habits and routines are what we become over time. A large door swings on a small hinge. Our habits compound to become our identity. We all have bad habits, but it's important not to beat ourselves up and compound the bad habits with a guilty conscience. We need to approach our habits without judgement, and see them as opportunities to learn. Jessica taught me how to visualize who I want to become to help me select the habits that need to change, and to be patient with myself to become what I envision. I can make that vision of myself into a practice, and then adapt my habits around that vision with faith in my capacity to grow. I have been learning lately about his concept of not judging ourselves for the choices we make or the path we are on. We cannot know where we really are on our path toward progression. We may be struggling with a habit one day, but have a major breakthrough the next. Sometimes those struggles we endure are exactly what we needed to get us onto the path we are seeking! So, don't assign judgment for your habits. Just work on the ones you want to change and give yourself grace! Book Recommendations (click on the image): "The Law of Increasing Returns" by Henry B. Eyring About Jessica: Jessica Croker is a Registered Yoga Teacher and a Mindful Living Coach teaching well attended classes, seminars and workshops since 2013. She hosts a weekly podcast called "The Seedpod-cast" to teach and inspire women that self-care isn't selfish and that when we put ourselves first we can actually think about ourselves less. Through her website, www.seedpod.yoga, she runs an interactive Unselfish Self-Care coaching program, helping people really internalize and apply her mindful approach to self-care. Jessica has been homeschooling her six children since the first one was born in 2000 and lives with her husband and children in Manassas, Virginia. Website: http://seedpod.yoga Facebook Time Stamps - Jump to Location: Jessica's yoga practice, and why we need to take care of our bodies Selfish self-care Adulthood is being able to meet our own needs and parent ourselves How to develop mindfulness Simple meditation for being present Battling with our "shoulds" Our thoughts create our reality Healthy rituals and habits Jessica's family morning routine Our naturally tendency to develop habits How to change 'bad' habits Visualization to guide your goals Life isn't meant to be easy. Change requires self-discipline Our habits are the 'little things' that make up the big picture Book recommendations

I first learned this concept of opportunity cost in a personal finance class in college. I have learned this lesson the hard way many times. I recently taught my daughter this concept when she was so excited to get two dollars for her birthday, and was anxious to spend it. So, when she heard the ice cream truck coming, she bolting without a second thought and came back with two popsicles to share with her siblings. I was proud of her for thinking of everyone else and that she wanted them to share in her abundance. But then I told her that we probably could have gotten a box of popsicles with her money, and asked if that was the best way to spend her cash. I felt terrible after that because she was really upset that she had acted so hastily without thinking. I think she has learned since then that money (especially so little) comes and goes. Bu the lesson still holds, there is an opportunity cost associated with how we spend our time and money. I hope my daughter learns that lesson well. I hope she will always weigh out the outcome of all of her expenditures. The thing is, which is more precious? Time, or money? Money can be recouped even if it is difficult. But time is something that we will never get back. Once you have found an effective way to make money, I think it is valid to spend your time wisely, and decide wether the expense is worth the cost. Yet, we value our time so cheaply. I once passed up the chance to stand in line for a free sandwich from a great restaurant because the line wrapped around the building. I would have taken more than an hour to get through the line. Isn't my time worth more than $5 an hour or less? But, if someone came up to me and told me they had a job for me that paid $5 an hour, I would turn them down flat! What a joke! My time is worth more than that! That is the opportunity cost associated with how we value our time. Don't waste your time for things that have no worth. Alison told me about how her lifestyle has changed over the years since she discover eCommerce. When she had her husband were first married, they qualified for food stamps! Alison learned the value of innovation and figuring out what she could do to support her family on her terms. The reality is that we are all taught to value our time based on what we can get paid. When Alison learned that her employment wouldn't pay her enough to feed her family, she knew she could not be limited by the constructs of time = money! She found a way to leverage her time to expedite her value in a way we don't learn when we are told in a conventional economy. Entrepreneurship is a roller-coaster ride of ups and downs. It is risky. But, there is an opportunity cost to finding success. You can continue to trade your time for money, and be valued by how much you can make an hour. Or, you can push through the risk of finding a new path and tackle the opportunity cost of learning to grow your potential exponentially. Since starting her million-dollar businesses, and teaching her children how to do eCommerce, they have a new perspective on the time-value of money. They appreciate the trade-off of doing something they love to do and use the resources they have available to get everything done that needs to get done. They have been learning that you don't have to devote all your energy to accomplishing tasks you can delegate to others. More than the opportunity cost this provides, it has allowed Alison and her kids to learn that they have choice. They have learned that they have options available to them that you don't consider when you don't have the ability to delegate. This is a subtle mindset shift, but it is one that supports innovation, and creativity. Alison has taught her daughters how to run a business, and with that, they have learned the time-value of money -- something they don't teach you in school. Since they make their own income,

Life is all about stress. Distress or Eustress, it's all stress. Some people are in more distress than others. Regardless of our level of stress, we all have our ways of coping with the stressors of our lives. But not all coping strategies are good. I have been thinking a lot about this idea of how we cope with life's struggles. I talked about it a bit in my conversation with Bonnie Simon of Maestro Classics that if we could turn to creativity rather than consumption to cope, the world would be a different place! Over the course of the last decade I've endured many struggles. It started back in 2008 when Michael and I moved to Northern Virginia for school. Michael struggled to find employment while he got his graduate degree, and I was expecting our first baby. It went downhill from there. At first, we thought the struggles would be temporary. Michael would finish his degree, and find a good job. But then, the recession happened. The student debt, postpartum stress, new parenthood, and underemployment living in the most expensive area in the nation took its toll on us. We were far from home, with no family nearby. We also felt abandoned by our community. Some of our coping strategies were productive, but most weren't. The APA Dictionary of Psychology defines "constructive coping" as "any instrumental approach to stress management that is generally considered to be adaptive or otherwise positive" and goes on to describe two kinds of constructive coping: Problem-Focused Coping - "a stress-management strategy in which a person directly confronts a stressor in an attempt to decrease or eliminate it...Problem-focused coping is used primarily when a person appraises a stressor as within his or her capacity to change." Similar to "active coping," this is about knowing our responsibility and capacity for conscientiously working on our situation to affect change. Emotion-Focused Coping - "in which a person focuses on regulating his or her negative emotional reactions to a stressor. Rather than taking actions to change the stressor itself, the individual tries to control feelings using a variety of cognitive and behavioral tools." This perspective is so important. Some conflicts are simply shaped by our perceptions. Some are just bad habits, or beliefs about a situation. We don't always need to change a situation, and some things are still outside of our control. I am currently in the process of creating a course outlining what real coping looks like, and challenging our ideas around coping. The coping strategies I will be suggesting in the course are different from "defense mechanisms" or "escape mechanisms" defined as "an unconscious reaction pattern employed by the ego to protect itself from the anxiety that arises from psychic conflict." While some of the strategies I suggest may be a form of channeling emotional energy, I want to suggest ways to avoid escaping or denying the stressor altogether. In my experience, denial and escape can only gratify for a moment, and might even create more problems, while the initial conflict continues to go unsolved! I want to help more people realize that when we remain conscious to our reaction patterns, then we have more power over our situations than we might think. I also want to give you more tools than simple "passive coping" that involves wishful thinking, like I talked about in a blog post back in May 2018. When we give in to this idea that we simply cannot change our situation, then we give up. We give up our capacity to change anything, and leave it up to external forces, chance, or hope. Hope is not a bad thing in its proper form, but hope plus action equals faith. Faith requires action. For example, when you want a garden, you don't just sit and hope you can have one. You plant seeds,

“Some people are never free from troubles, mainly because they keep their minds attuned to worry. The mind attracts what it dwells on. “Worry serves no useful purpose and can have a serious adverse effect upon your mental as well as your physical health. Charles Mayo, who with his brother William founded the famous Mayo Clinic in Rochester, Minnesota, said, “I have never known a man who died from overwork, but many who died from doubt.” Because worry is directed at some vague, uncertain threat, it is difficult to deal with it logically. The best way to get rid of your worries is to take positive action to eliminate their source. When you develop a plan for dealing constructively with problems and get to work implementing your plan, you will no longer be troubled by worries. Negative thoughts always yield the right of way to a determined person in pursuit of a positive plan of action” (Napoleon Hill Foundation). Action is a principle of faith. Faith is another important tool for designing our family culture. When we define and design our vision and values, we are working toward our goals rather than coasting, or acting out of fear to avoid punishment. Deliberately working toward a goal will yield completely different results as simply avoiding a consequence. David A. Bednar says that “Learning by faith requires spiritual, mental, and physical exertion and not just passive reception. It is in the sincerity and consistency of our faith-inspired action that we indicate to our Heavenly Father and His Son, Jesus Christ, our willingness to learn and receive instruction from the Holy Ghost. Thus, learning by faith involves the exercise of moral agency to act upon the assurance of things hoped for and invites the evidence of things not seen from the only true teacher, the Spirit of the Lord” (“Seek Learning by Faith,” Ensign, Sept. 2007, 64).  In my efforts to understand resilience I learned that there are three types of coping strategies: passive, avoidance, and constructive coping. When we are passive, we sit back and wait for the stressor to go away. With avoidance, we ignore the situation and try to push it down. With both of these, we likely do things to console ourselves or numb the sensations of the stress. We are usually reactive rather than proactive. But, with constructive coping, we deliberately work toward our ability to resolve our problems, spring back from failure or struggle, and do things to create the outcome we want by acting upon the situation rather than allowing ourselves to become a victim.  When we sit down with our families to discuss our vision, values, and goals, we may ruffle some feathers. We may disrupt our norms. We may have to sacrifice some of our avoidance strategies to adopt some more constructive strategies.  I think I am so set on this subject because it is so hard. But I’m determined to work toward my own deliberate outcomes rather than passively allow life to drift by and look back with regret that I’d missed out on opportunities to develop and produce better outcomes. I want to improve my relationships with my kids. I want to develop skills that will make life more meaningful and fun. I want to improve my health. And, I want to actively improve my faith and spiritual health because I know that all of these things atrophy with disuse. They crumble with age and time. But I need them to keep me from falling into darkness.  What are some ways you are working toward your goals? What are ways you can be more deliberate and constructive? Come tell me about it on Facebook or Instagram @familyculturepodcast or on Twitter @_FamilyCulture Related Books: This post contains affiliate links. Learn more here.

Like I discussed in Episode 058, nothing will disrupt your family dynamic like a crisis, or a challenge. Rather than face a major crisis, the Orton family chose to create disruption in their family culture by creating a challenge in the form of an adventure! In 2014, Erik and Emily set sail on a 38’ catamaran (that's a sailboat) with their five children for one year. They sailed the Caribbean Sea, and had tons a crazy adventures. They wrote a book about it that you can pre-order at fezywig.com or sevenatsea.com. What really inspires me about Erik and Emily is that they saw the risk of staying in a less-than-ideal situation, weighed it against. the risk of trying something new, and decided the risk of doing something new was worth it.  Erik describes this as an opportunity cost. While many things in life are good, if we allow those good things to keep us from things that may be better, or best, then we are losing an opportunity. Several themes immersed from our discussion. I feel inspired by their story because we are in that situation where we know that we are missing out on some of life's "better" and "best" opportunities, but those "good" things are keeping us from making those choices. At the end of Erik and Emily's book, "Seven at Sea" they recap what's been happening since their days on Fezywig. They describe how they had a new opportunity arise after Erik returned to his desk job, and revisited the question of opportunity cost. When they presented the question to their children, the daughter Alison put it like this, "'So it's a choice between a risky job with unlimited potential or a stable job that you know you don't like?'" It sounds like an easy decision, but it isn't so cut and dry. Yet, wouldn't we all like to have the courage to reach for that "unlimited potential"?? The ability to overcome the fear comes down to these three things we discuss in the episode: knowledge, faith, and support. You'll see why when you listen in on our discussion! Erik's inspiration for taking his family onto a sailboat Emily's perspective on setting sail with their 5 children "What could go right?" Why break up a routine Why taking a risk is hard What opportunity cost has to do with family culture Three factors that make risk easier How a 14-year-old pushed their family over the edge Biggest fear and struggle of taking risk Vulnerability and risk Growth and family values "What other favorites are hiding inside my fears?" How to bond with your family through struggle How Erik's relationship with his dad was strengthened The importance of embracing failure Where to find Erik and Emily About Erik + Emily ERIK ORTON is an Emmy Award-winning writer and former Broadway tour manager. He was raised in Germany and the suburbs of Washington, D.C. He has produced various musicals Off-Broadway. His original musical, Berlin, won an Emmy Award as well as a CINE Golden Eagle Award and Bronze Telly Award. In 2018 he climbed El Capitan—the tallest granite cliff in the world—got scuba certified, and learned to surf. EMILY ORTON is a former English teacher turned homeschool mom. She speaks and writes about living with purpose. Her writing is featured in Dare, Dream, Do by Whitney Johnson. Curiosity has led Emily to become a rock climber, a sailor, a scuba diver, a world traveler, and most recently a surfer. ERIK AND EMILY continue to learn, grow, and travel with their five children. They love to gig as a family band when their two oldest children are home from college, and they occasionally post music videos to YouTube. They are currently traveling Europe by sailboat and VW van with their younger children.

I often refer to my situation as being in crisis mode. Being in this attitude of living is not very conducive to an intentional family culture! A crisis can impact your family to come together and bond, but it is NOT ideal. Often, however, it isn't the crisis, situation or struggle that matters as much as what we do when there is a crisis that matters. To create growth for our families, we don't need to have to wait for a crisis. Actually, intentionally shaping our family culture is like taking CPR courses to prepare ourselves for times when our family needs to be resuscitated when facing a trial. Constantly and consistently reviewing what matters most to us will help shore us up for times when we need each other most. The challenge is to be vulnerable enough to create such relationships before the crisis hits! Still, when there is a crisis, they can strengthen us if we allow it. If the situation isn't too traumatic, it can even define us by disrupting our beliefs and help us become better. I'm not saying that we should seek out this kind of disruption. It hurts WAY too much. When I was a kid, my dad had his first heart attack. It was incredibly hard. It was scary. At the same time, I think it helped us reevaluate our health habits, and our relationships with one another. Rather than allowing this crisis to traumatize us, we tried to make changes for the better. What is shaping your family culture? Is it intentional and preparatory, or is it coasting and crisis?

In a talk given at a Woman’s Conference in October, Michelle Craig discussed the concept of “divine discontent.” Neal Maxwell often used this term in his speeches to describe times when God unsettles our comfort to inspire us to make a change in our lives. Craig describes divine discontent like this: “Divine discontent comes when we compare ‘what we are [to] what we have the power to become.’ Each of us, if we are honest, feels a gap between where and who we are, and where and who we want to become. We yearn for greater personal capacity. We have these feelings because we are daughters and sons of God, born with the Light of Christ yet living in a fallen world. These feelings are God given and create an urgency to act.” Maxwell says that these feelings bring us to a higher level of consecration, and “will cure ambivalence and casualness in any of us!”  More from Michelle Craig: “We should welcome feelings of divine discontent that call us to a higher way, while recognizing and avoiding Satan’s counterfeit—paralyzing discouragement. This is a precious space into which Satan is all too eager to jump. We can choose to walk the higher path that leads us to seek for God and His peace and grace, or we can listen to Satan, who bombards us with messages that we will never be enough: rich enough, smart enough, beautiful enough, anything enough. Our discontent can become divine—or destructive.” “One way to tell divine discontent from Satan’s counterfeit is that divine discontent will lead us to faithful action" says Craig. "Divine discontent is not an invitation to stay in our comfort zone, nor will it lead us to despair. I have learned that when I wallow in thoughts of everything I am not, I do not progress and I find it much more difficult to feel and follow the Spirit.” Some ways to act on feelings of divine discontent: "never suppress a generous thought" Live after the manner of happiness Learn the doctrine of your faith, your family canon  Choose to be happy and take responsibility for your happiness. Fill your life with uplifting, happy things, and keep your thoughts clean. Be industrious, live with definiteness of purpose, find a passion, serve, do something that is your authentic expression Learn about grace Michelle Craig refers to a quote from Mere Christianity, when “C. S. Lewis explained God’s transforming power this way: ‘Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on; you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably. … [You see,] He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of. … You thought you were [being] made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace. He intends to come and live in it Himself.’” I think I have become a little bitter sometimes when I dwell on my own divine discontent. When that happens I am likely dwelling on that paralyzing discouragement rather than feeling motivated by my capacity for growth. I heard once that you should pay attention to when you feel jealous because it could be your subconscious telling you about changes I may want to make in my own life. I think this can be somewhat true if we can keep the jealousy in check, but I think it is our nature to allow our jealousy to become more discouraging than otherwise. It is important to remember that we are all on our own path, and I’m not saying that we are on the same path in different levels. No. We are on our OWN PATHS. It doesn’t matter if you think someone has it better or worse than you do, we all have our own struggles.

If you haven't seen the classic film The Karate Kid then you are seriously missing out, and your childhood was deprived! One of the things that makes that movie a classic is when Mr. Miyagi is supposed to be teaching Daniel La Russo how to do karate, he makes him do his house chores instead. He has him wax his cars, paint his fences, paint his house, and sand his deck. Daniel starts to get impatient with these tasks and starts to question whether is he ever going to learn anything about karate. In the iconic scene that follows, Daniel learns that he was not only learning karate by doing those tasks, he was building the strength and muscle memory to perform important blocking moves in karate. Our family culture is a lot like these routines that we create for our families. We won't suddenly have the ability to teach our values or cultivate our vision for our family when they are grown if we haven't done things to intentionally shape our beliefs and habits along the way. I have been thinking a lot about what it means to be goal-oriented. I don't think that it is something that you just wake up and decide to be. Setting and accomplishing goals takes discipline, perseverance, and self-efficacy. Plus, if you aren't thinking about your end vision, then the goal has very little meaning. Having that vision is challenging when your family is coasting, or always in crisis mode. That is something Michael and I have struggled with over the last ten years of feeling like we have been riding on the cultural train of corporate success, only to find that the tracks dead end if there is a recession, or you didn't get there "right" degree, or find the "right" job. To get back onto our own, self-made train, we have to start thinking hard about what our goals really are, and start developing those things that will carry us toward our vision. I recently read this talk called "The Adventure of Mortality" by Dieter F. Uchtdorf, and here is something that I appreciated about what he said about goals and decisions: "In many cases, the decisions you make may not be as important as what you do after making the decision." Mr. Miyagi knew from the beginning that the movements he was teaching had a purpose. As parents, we need to be intentional about the habits and rhythms we establish with our children because they will become permanent. In the book "Focus: The Hidden Driver of Excellence" by Daniel Coleman, he talks about the behaviors we do consistently without ever thinking about them. He says these things become "something we habituate to rather than orient towards." When we aren't intentional about our vision and values, the things we may not want become our defaults. We can intentionally design our defaults, or we can allow our situation to set them for us.   This post contains Affiliate links