Intro To X
Summary: Watching every single episode of the X-Files for the first time, again. No Spoilers.
Remember those grieving parents suspected of killing their children and leaving spooky ransom notes? Neither does Chris Carter. But luckily we get yet another resolution to the Samantha Mulder story that we've been told we're supposed to care about in 7x11 – “Closure” Now with 500% more star rapturing? Harsh Ream 1x07 “42 wasted minutes of our lives” is...
We say goodbye to Teena Mulder (hopefully for good this time) in 7x10 – “Sein und Zeit” Mulder is a selfish prick that delays a kidnapping case so as to make sure the world continues to revolve around himself. We try to figure out what the fuck a walkl-in is and Harsh Ream 1x06 “Somehow still being broadcast” occurred.
Evangeline and Alex join us for a real “Oh no… Copperheads!!” situation in 7x09 – “Signs and Wonders” in which Mulder and Scully meet The Devil who is a snake… again. And a grip of creepo Jeezos deliver snake babies. We question how eyeballs work in Harsh Ream 1x05 “More of the Same - Part 7” which, believe it or not, was actually put on television.
Heidi and DJ Jon Jonny J Jonathon are here to help us discuss 7x08 – “The Amazing Maleeni” Wherein some asshole magicians pull a heist, Mulder sends an innocent man to prison, and Scully continues to have the worst taste in men. Harsh Ream 1x04 “Enter Shitty Title Here” is somehow even less significant than usual.
DJ Jon Jonny J Jonathon joins us for the return of Donny Pfaster in 7x07 – “Orison”. In which Scully hears a song three times thus proving ??? majicks? Reverend Hershal drills a hole in his head to get hypnosis powers as part of a plan to murder murderers for Baby Jeezo. Harsh Ream 1x03 “Title I Still Can't Be Bothered to Look Up” is a complete waste of time.
Mila and John help us mousetrap our way through 7x06 – “The Goldberg Variation”. In which Willie Garson might or might not use his windbreaker to be a flying squirrel. Mulder has terrible hair and even worse ideas. We see the early work of the harbinger of doomsday that will henceforth forever be known as Steve the Beef. A real life X-File terrifies all of us to our core. Harsh Ream 1x02 “Title I Can't Be Bothered to Look Up” continues to be revolting garbage.
Nutty joins us for 7x05 – “Rush”. Another episode in which people squander their super powers when they could be cracking open ATM's. There's some super questionable technology and even more questionable accents. We kick off the harshest of minutes as we discuss the pilot of what might be the worst show ever “Harsh Realm”. Also “The Great Microphone Challenge 2015” continues!
If you want to see Lance Henriksen go full-dragon this is the film for you! Call your Daddy and watch 1993's “Hard Target” There's a human hunting operation in New Orleans and there only one gross greasy itinerant kickboxer that can stop it. Jean-Claude Van Damme kicks his way into our hearts with some help from his kooky Uncle Douvee played by American Hero Wilford Brimley.
Join us as we say goodbye to the single greatest criminal profiler ever. Chris joins us as we discuss the lackluster 7x04 “Millennium” in which a Millennium Group rando decides to make four (and only four) zombies to bring about the end times. Luckily/unluckily Frank Black is able to save Mulder from his complete incompetence.
It's time to wake up from your mythology coma and watch the shockingly good 7x03 – Hungry. In which a wayward batboy battles his destiny and Mark Pellegrino embraces his. We also learn that a single minimum wage employee could get some really nice apartments in CA in 1999. We watch the final episode of Millennium 3x22 "Goodbye to all That" and, as a prelude to what might be a real Monkey's Paw situation, desperately wish for more
Amanda joins us for 7x02 – The Sixth Extinction II: Amor Fati – Back in Action: The Reckoning 3D: This Time, it's Personal. Apparently nothing that happened in the last episode mattered at all. Lots of rando side characters get killed off screen and the word “hybrid” continues to befuddle the writers. In the penultimate episode of Millennium 3x21 “Via Dolorosa” we see the trees again and a super creep that is probably not finale worthy.
Welcome to the Seventh Season of The X-Files! It's the middle part of a three part ep so you might as well go take a nap in a salad. Luckily Scully with a machete is super foxy. Millennium 3x20 “Nostalgia” is back to season one creeptown but with the addition of the most ridiculous police force ever.
It's time for the season six finale as we discuss the theoretically exciting monologue laden kludge 6x22 “Biogenesis” in which magic alien space rocks attack bibles to convey information and Mulder gets fucked crazy. Millennium 3x19 “Seven and One” shows us Frank's fear of drowning and a lot really random nonsense penned by Chris Carter.
Matt Joins us to discuss Mulder and Scully's wacky visit to the mushroom kingdom in 6x21 "Field Trip" Millennium 3x18 “Bardo Thodol” makes almost no sense whatsoever (likely because it has the twin MacGuffins of bowls and cloned living hands) but Hollis does get angry.
Paul and John join us for 6x20 “Three of a Kind” another episode about 1990's America's favorite nest dwelling creep club The Lone Gunmen. We also learn for the 8 millionth time how JFK is the most easily accessible baby-boomer nostalgia crutch for any writer on this damn show. Luckily Gillian Anderson is amazing and hilarious. Millennium 3x17 “Darwin's Eye” is back to super creepy procedural and more Wet-Blanket Hollis Family Dramz.