2 Homos - Lesbian Podcast

Two words sum up the difference between Lesbians and straight women - gift basket. The straight woman's gift basket consists of bath beads, kitchen implements and a sexy apron to wear with nothing else on when your husband gets home. The Lesbian's gift basket has a case of Beers From Around the World and a set of BBQ utensils.

If you're in law enforcement and you're trying to solve a major crime, here's a tip. If the killer uses duct tape, it either a straight woman or a man. Real Lesbians only use zip ties. Don't feel bad...I didn't know that either.

Out of ideas for a great new side dish for your next Super Bowl party? Here's a secret - follow around an 18 month old child, watch the foods they put together and write down all those special recipes. Who can resist blueberry yogurt and black olives. The best part is that there is absolutely no chance of anyone showing up at the same party with your super secret signature dish. Delish.

It's hard to believe that calling someone a douche is a bad thing. If you're a douche you get handled gently by a nice woman, you get inserted snugly inside a warm vagina, and you become all slippery and wet. What's not to like? Oooh...forgot about the part that the reason you're being used is because that vagina smells like the tuna fish you left out for the stray cat last week.

The Internet has afforded humanity so many wonderful conveniences. We can find a restaurant in cities we've never been to before, we can find a date (or an f-buddy) right around the corner or pay all our bills online automatically without ever buying a stamp. It's all good until nobody knows you've been dead for the last six years because all your bills are setup on auto-pay.

When the DMV says online that the wait is only twenty minutes, what they mean is that it will take twenty minutes for you to reach the front door so that you can take a number and wait in a line that will take another three hours. Good thing they don't charge for parking.

Now that Gay marriage is legal in more than half the states in the U.S. we no longer have to worry about young Lesbians bringing the U-Haul to the second date. Now we have to worry about the long waiting list at the Little White Chapel in Las Vegas and the scarcity of wedding cakes all over the country. At least the wedding flowers can be recycled, since the divorces will be happening before the flowers lose their scent.

Chalk one up for the Girl Scouts and their entrepreneurial spirit. Instead of trying to hawk cookies outside the grocery store where someone has just purchased two boxes of the generic cookies that were on sale for 99 cents, they decided to take their business right to where their customers are. The Girl Scouts have set up shop right outside the pot store, and sales have never been better.

Now that football is over for the season, Lesbians hardly know what to do with themselves on a Sunday afternoon. Well, we have the solution. It's called Lesbian Grocery Store Sunday. Instead of trolling the online dating forums, simply don your best looking pair of sweats and head to the grocery store. Find a hot chick, check out her cart to see if you're compatible, and she could be moving in with you by next weekend.

You can brag about the length. You can take pride in the girth. You can brag all you want about how you know how to use that thing to its maximum advantage. You might even think you're awesome because you have two. Well, you've got nothing on us Lesbians. Each Lesbian has an average of 3.5 in a drawer next to their beds...and they never go limp.

There's a reason the human brain chooses to repress certain memories. It's a protective mechanism so that you can live with yourself and the people around you by conveniently forgetting the most traumatic memories of your life. Not just any memories, but the kind of memories where your mother walks in on you and your iPad while you're sitting on the toilet taking a crap.

Bigfoot used to be no big deal, but once there was a $10 million Bigfoot challenge...now it's on. For $10 million you're ready to have Bigfoot's baby, and you'll go down on Mrs. Bigfoot just to make sure you clinch the deal. Who cares if she hasn't shaved that bush in the last two decades? For $10 million...it's all worth it.

Fund-raisers are a dime a dozen these days. Everyone is riding their bike, running a marathon or dancing all night long to raise money for one charity or another. If your friends are suffering from fund-raising fatigue and they don't want to donate money for another cause, it's time to big out the big guns. Invite them to an event where women are removing their clothes and dancing on poles, and you'll be able to meet your fund-raising goal in one hour or less.

If you're going to throw a loud party that lasts all night long you want to make sure nobody in the neighborhood spoils your fun by calling the cops. Don't take any chances. All you have to do is to bring the Grilled Cheese truck and invite a couple of token Lesbians to your party. If you don't know any token Lesbians just contact us. We'll hook you up. Don't forget the tater tots.

If you want to avoid the flu this season you can install hand sanitizer stations in every room in your house, you can carry anti-bacterial wipes with you everywhere you go, and you can choose only to give fist bumps instead of handshakes or hugs. Or, you can simply get a flu shot and stop whining.