Episode 36 - Boundaries, Choices & Managing Hurts, Failures & Disappointments

Summary: Gilbert, C. (2019). I can't say that: Going beyond the talk: Equipping your children to make choices about gender and sexuality from a biblical sexual ethic.     Boundaries And Choices A critical dimension of our sexuality and sexual development are boundaries and choices. If those aren’t well established, we are at the mercy of our feelings, desires, and peer pressure. To live within boundaries requires us to step back, recognize the difference that results from living within these, and thankful for their protection. Ironically, it is these boundaries that give us freedom.   When I graduated from seminary and began my life as a Licensed Professional Counselor. I was a single twenty-five-year-old male in a female dominated field. Ninety-nine percent of my clients were women and most of my friends were female. I was terrified. I had an ETHOS drilled into me from my family and my training regarding the importance of boundaries. I also knew of a few cases where one accusation of wrongdoing had sunk a person’s reputation and career. I set up incredibly strict boundaries. These were for my freedom. Within these boundaries, I had less to worry about. Later, I was working at a college and was told I needed to loosen my boundaries if I was going to work with college students. I was surprised. I was also quite confused by the suggestion and wondered if I should loosen up. I quickly realized though that I had more freedom by using these boundaries and I added more — like never eating alone with a woman who was not my wife.   Boundaries are entrenched into your ETHOS at an early age as we learn from our families and absorb their energy and culture. As we begin to play that out in our lives, we free ourselves, adopting some of the constraints put on us by our families and dispensing with others. We — and our children — have the freedom to choose. Our culture speaks out of both sides of its mouth. On one hand we are told to be free and choose for ourselves whatever we want. But, on the other hand, if someone chooses to act with reservation, wisdom or within a biblical sexual ethic, they are ridiculed as if they made the “wrong” choice. Find freedom in boundaries, your choices, and in saying, “NO.”   How To Say “No” Learning to say, “NO,” is a crucial skill. We are always saying, “NO.” In effect, every time we say, “Yes,” to something — we are, in turn, saying, “NO,” to something else.   Teach your children to say, “NO.”   Teach them to have the vocal and internal ability to stand up for themselves and have boundaries. Most of us are familiar with the concept of fight or flight. If we get into a sticky situation, we have a release of adrenaline and we are, in a sense, forced to expend that energy by fighting, or fleeing. However, there is another response — freezing — that has serious consequences since the energy built up by adrenaline and angst rarely gets resolved.   When men and women that have been abused or violated tell their story, they usually regret not having spoken up, fought, or run away. Instead, they froze. However, despite — or maybe because of — freezing, they survived. They made it through. Now many remain stuck because the energy that was built up needs a place to go. It needs to be released. From this experience, they quickly learned to remain small and silent. Their ability to say, “NO,” diminishes.   Example  Lisaand Bretthave invested in their children with a vision for their children’s future success. They started young, teaching and training their children in a biblical sexual ethic. As they went into each year of life with their children they also knew that part of the bargain was trusting God in the raising of their children. Hope in things unseen. We are not guaranteed tomorrow. Your faith must be in God and His work in the lives of you and your children.   Hope breeds a peace that passes all understanding. Hope expects great things as well.   Hope for the best things for each of your children.   I wa