The Affinity Paradox: How does eye-to-eye sometimes become eye-for-an-eye in casual conversation?

Summary: It started out well. You and a friend were talking about a topic of interest to you both, sharing your opinions, listening and collaborating on thinking things through. But something went wrong; you don't know exactly what. Now you're arguing, the tension is thick and the stakes are high. He thinks you turned it into a power struggle over who's right and--well, frankly you think he did. What exactly happened? Simplifying a lot, try picturing thinking as travel through a maze comprised of branching options. Throughout your life you’ve been walking down corridors coming to intersections and choosing consciously and unconsciously the paths you’ll take. At a fork in the maze a question presents itself. For a while you wonder what to choose, but then you decide, taking one branch or another and the question is behind you. Picture conversation as relating to someone else within the maze. Sometimes you’re conversing over the walls, talking to people who made different choices at the forks and ended up somewhere else: Dana: Hey over there. Ryan: Hi. Dana: I see you became Mormon. Ryan: Yes, I took the religious fork, tried a few options and ended up here. Dana: Cool. What’s it like? Ryan: Pretty satisfying so far. Nice people, great rituals, a sense of purpose. And you? You’re an atheist, right? Dana: Yep, I bypassed the whole religious branch. Ryan: What’s it like down that path? Dana: It’s good. You don’t get the purpose delivered, you have to roll your own, but that suits me fine. Ryan: Cool. Well happy trails. Dana: You too. I wish you the best. I’ll call this Shoptalk. It’s like a conversation between two car lovers comparing notes on their rides without feeling a need to agree that they should have the same cars or tastes. There’s a warmth and respect even at a distance within the maze. You could call it “agreeing to disagree,” but that emphasizes the disagreement. The warmth comes from appreciating that we each get a life and a quest through this maze. We start out in different places and see different parts of the maze. It’s fun to watch other lives and appreciate the varied paths we take. With Shoptalk it’s all good, like running into someone you met on the train to Rome now that you’re in Paris. Dana: Hey, there you are again! Ryan: Zo we meet again my leetle French friend! Dana: I got here Tuesday. You? Ryan: Just today. I stopped in Florence. Dana: There’s great pizza at that place over there on the square. And I loved the Musee D’Orsay. Ryan: I’m only here a day and I’m planning to relax and just hit the Louvre. Dana: Cool, well have a great trip. No pressure to agree on the D’Orsay. It’s sharing notes--not even comparing notes. There’s another kind of conversation I’ll call Affinity and Beyond. You meet someone in the maze, someone who, by whatever paths has ended up in the same corridor as you, facing the same forks and choices: Pat: Hi. Nice to find you here. Casey: You too. Are you doing well? Pat: Yeah, my path seems good so far. And you? Casey: Happy to be here too. So what are you thinking about these options we face? Pat: That is the question, isn’t it? Interested in exploring a little together? Casey: Sure. I’d love some company. I’m leaning toward Path A here. Pat: I’ve thought about that one. We could try it together. My intuitions lead me to think it’s Path B. Casey: Great. We’ll try one and then the other and see which we like best. Pat: I’m really glad we can do this together. Nice to get a second pair of eyes on it and nice also to have your company. Casey: I agree. This will be fun. In this kind of conversation you meet on common ground with common goals and a common quest. The affinities are strong