Relationship Unconscious

Seeing things as they are in an essential concept in Buddhist philosophy and psychology, as well as Freudian theory.   So much emotional turmoil, what is known as suffering in Buddhism, is due to the tendency to withdraw from and deny the true nature of things, what Freud called the configuration of reality. 

  Due to our need to bond and early developmental experiences of tolerating the limitations of caregivers, denial is common in adult romantic relationships. But once denial is overcome, an important psychological capacity called "mystification" may evolve. Through the mystification process, unconscious narratives necessarily change.  The film "Leaving Las Vegas" illustrates the role mystification plays in personal transformation and the discovery of new channels of intimacy.

Narcissistic tendencies are the result of psychological defenses employed early in development when the child's need for empathic reflection and mirroring was frustrated.  Consequently, the adult narcissist relates to significant others in a characteristic pattern.  Across five phases, the narcissist unconsciously attempts to pursue highly valued significant others then, through tactics of degradation and devaluation, seeks to extract their individuality and convert them into adoring mirrors.

  "Inflexion" is the psychological capacity necessary to subvert one's unconscious repetition of prior relational injury and trauma in current and future romantic relationships.  It involves the recognition of roles and relational dynamics one consistently experiences and the desire to withdraw from all that is "familiar." With this perspective, all acts of personal change are viewed as originating in the alienation and deconstruction of one's identity.

Adrian Lyne's 1986 film "9 1/2 Weeks" depicts the disturbing sadomasochistic relationship between "John" (Mickey Rourke) and "Elizabeth" (Kim Basinger), two characters destined to form a treacherous union.  Elizabeth's unconscious relational template, formed by prior relational trauma and sustained by her own neurobiology, makes it almost impossible for her to extricate herself.  Ultimately, a painter reveals to Elizabeth the reality of her being "hooked."

  Emotional injuries suffered in relationships early in development set up the unconscious motivation to repeat and enact similar experiences of conflict, rejection, and trauma across the lifespan.  Relationships are not "fated" by some spiritual force but rather by the uncanny psychological drive to seek out persons who are likely candidates to fulfill our own particular narrative of malignant love.

Narcissistic and codependent relational styles in adulthood originated as unconscious psychological defenses in early development.  If the child's bond with the primary caregiver was characterized by repeated unempathic and non-mirroring responses, the child may resort to compromising his or her own identity to placate the person desired (codependence) or to debasing and invalidating the object of affection so as to never be shamed again (narcissism).

Under certain conditions, a romantic relationship based on strong sexual and emotional attraction may devolve into unconscious role assignments in which a woman acts in a maternalistic fashion toward her previously competent and autonomous partner.  Each partner contributes to this insidious transition as the couple's diminishing sexual life signals the arrival of previously unresolved emotional injuries.

Many people experience unnecessary struggles in their romantic relationships because they unconsciously rely on primitive bonding strategies ("attachment") rather than on "erotic" forms of relatedness characterized by an uncensored expression of self, firm boundaries, and divestment from compliance.