Sex with Dr. Jess
Summary: In Sex With Dr. Jess, Dr. Jessica O'Reilly, Toronto-based sexologist, author, and media personality, shares tips on how to enhance your sexual life to improve the quality of your relationships. She interviews guests with questions ranging from how to deal with jealousy to getting down in the bedroom, as well as hosting thought-provoking episodes centered around compatibility and strengthening relationships.
Porn performer and Master Fetish Trainer, King Noire, joins Jess and Brandon to share his story as a community activist, porn star, hip hop artist and father. He discusses fetishes, sexual oppression and repression, and his journey in the worlds kink, porn, music and parenthood. King started working in porn when he was 18 and then he took a break before returning to the field as a producer alongside his life partner, Jet Setting Jasmine; he shares insights as to how his role and expectations have changed over the years. Follow King on Twitter, Instagram & Facebook. This podcast is brought to you by Desire Resorts.
Nikki Morgan shares insights to help you consider new ways to approach orgasm using your breath, movements, thoughts and more. She discusses ways to step outside your comfort zone and be more positive about your body. Follow Nikki on Instagram & Twitter. Be sure to also follow The Touch Experience on Instagram, Twitter & Facebook. Also check out Nikki's upcoming events below, and find more info out on her website. This podcast is brought to you by Desire Resorts.
How do you practice safe, sane, consensual kink “in color”? What is fire-play? How do you navigate master-slave relationships? And how do you understand a submissive’s needs? Shanae Adams aka Honestly Nae, joins Jess and Brandon to share their insights as professional Dominatrix and kink educator. Follow Shanae on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter and Youtube. Also check out their sex-positive collaborative in Denver, The Chrysalis House. This podcast is brought to you by Desire Resorts.
Jet Setting Jasmine is a licensed clinical therapist, co-owner of Royal Fetish Films (an adult film production company), and an adult entertainer. She combines her love of the arts, film and sex education to produce erotica that stimulates and engages the audience to push their sexual boundaries. Jasmine joins Jess and Brandon to share thoughtful insights on her life as a therapist, mother, performer and entrepreneur. She talks about directing porn (including a recent threesome scene starring her life partner, King Noire), the value and appeal of ethical porn, how porn performers balance their own pleasure with the need to perform for the camera, and strategies for staying in the moment when faced with distractions. This podcast is brought to you by Desire Resorts.
Sex therapist Shamyra Howard joins Jess to talk about how to have happier relationships — with yourself, family, friends and partner(s). She talks about how to apologize effectively and why your partner doesn’t want you to be sorry — they want you to be better. Shamyra also offers strategies to: Manage jealousy and overcome insecurities Validate your partner and differentiate between validation and affirmation Understand differences as opposed to simply accepting them Check out Shamyra's Sexuality Superhero feature here. See some more of Shamyra's pearls of wisdom below... View this post on Instagram You know what's sexy? Vulnerability is a word we use often but what does it mean for relationships and why does it matter? Relationships are all about feeling safe enough to take emotional risks knowing that this person has the ability to hurt you, but relying on your own ability to trust yourself to show up. This happens best with an emotionally responsive partner. When you respond to your partner's emotional vulnerability with emotional security that creates connection. That's Intimacy. That's Sexy. #mondaynightraw A post shared by Shamyra (@sexologistshamyra) on Sep 9, 2019 at 7:32pm PDT View this post on Instagram Stop faking orgasms! #mondaynightraw Faking orgasms contribute to the orgasm gap that we are working to end. Taking ownership of your sexual pleasure is sexy! Let's do it! A post shared by Shamyra (@sexologistshamyra) on Sep 2, 2019 at 7:13pm PDT View this post on Instagram Potential is great, but. That's it!! Most people have potential, but what they do with it counts most! Monday Night Raw A post shared by Shamyra (@sexologistshamyra) on Aug 26, 2019 at 7:49pm PDT This podcast is brought to you by Desire Resorts.
Austin-based sex therapist, Adam Maurer, joins Jess to share straightforward insights for happier relationships. They discuss JODO, setting boundaries, managing let-down, dealing with personality differences (e.g. introverts versus extroverts) and a simple weekly ritual to improve communication, understanding and intimacy. Follow Adam on Instagram, and check out moontowercounseling.com. Adam will also be in the Bedpost Confessions from October 23-25. Check it out! This podcast is brought to you by Desire Resorts.
Jess discusses emotional vulnerability, sexual shame, strategies for discussing sexual needs, why some people cheat and the Madonna/whore dichotomy with Toronto-based sex therapist, Kat Kova. Kat also helps Jess to open up about her greatest sexual fear. This podcast is brought to you by Desire Resorts.
How can you reduce the negative effects of technology on your relationship? And how can you move on and rebuild after you’ve cheated on your partner? Jess and Brandon share their thoughts in response to listener questions. Oftentimes when we ask something of our partner, we need to begin with ourselves. Before you try to convince your partner to put down their phone, ask yourself if you need to do the same. Even if you allow it to interfere to a lesser degree, every time you’re on yours, they're likely to pick up their own. And when it comes to cheating: you can move on and have a happy relationship after an affair. Begin by taking responsibility, getting help, tracking your progress, and making space for negative feelings and interactions. Please see some rough notes below... How do I get my wife to put down her phone? Great question! Oftentimes when we ask something of our partner, we need to begin with ourselves. I was working with a group of couples the other day and one group was complaining that their partners were always on their phones checking emails and working. They were really chastising them and the message was, “oh we’d have more sex if you didn’t work so much and you’d put down your phones”. This was directed specifically at entrepreneurs, because this was an entrepreneur group who brought their partners to my session. But then the entrepreneur group turned around and reminded their partners that they too are almost always on their phones — they’re scrolling through feeds, updating social media, reading articles — they may not be working in the paid sense, but they’re still allowing technoference to interfere in their connection. So before you try to convince your wife to put down her phone, ask yourself if you need to do the same. Even if you allow it to interfere to a lesser degree, every time you’re on yours, she is likely to pick up her own. Technoference is becoming the norm in relationship. Research shows that the mere presence of a phone detracts from concentration, presence, connection and trust. In one study, they compared interactions in three scenarios: phone on the table, phone in your pocket and phone outside of the room. The third scenario was associated with the highest levels of trust, empathy and intimacy. And it’s not just about distraction. Blue light can interfere with sleep, which adversely affects relationships. The light emitted by phones, laptops and and tablet devices (even when set to silent mode) is “short-wavelength-enriched”, which means that it contains high levels of blue light which interferes with the sleep-supporter hormone, melatonin. When we don’t get a good night’s sleep, we’re more likely to engage in conflict with our partner, less adept at resolving these conflicts, more likely to made poor food choices and less inclined toward sex. Minimizing technoference can be easier and more successful if you choose specific strategies and roll them out one at a time as opposed to trying to overhaul your entire lifestyle or trying to change everything at once. I’m going to share some of the strategies that work for my clients, but you don’t have to do them all. I suggest you try one at a time. 1. Have a phone-free dinner. In the past, we didn’t have to go out of our way to take a tech-break, but leaving the phones at home (or in the car if you’re dining at home) is a simple way to ensure that you’re present and connected to your partner — instead of being connected to your 300 "best friends". 2. Go for a walk, bike ride or drive without using your map app. Technology is grand and can help you to see more relevant places in a shorter period of time, but it can also detract from discovery and the excitement of the unknown. Once in awhile, whether you’re on vacation exploring a new city or simply wandering...
Our old friend Mikey Singer joins us to talk about how to prioritize intimacy and sex after you’ve had a baby. Parenthood changes the household dynamic, but it can be for the better. To learn more about We-Vibe and its products, click here. Get your tickets to MomFest now by clicking here. Jess is looking forward to seeing you all on September 10th! This podcast is brought to you by Desire Resorts.
How do know if you’re sexually repressed or if your partner is holding you back? What is sexual empowerment and how can you overcome repression to feel more empowered? Jess and Brandon discuss their experiences and share personal insights. How do I know if I’m sexually repressed and if my partner is involved in making me feel this way? I hear about sexual empowerment and that’s how I want to be. Sexual empowerment and sexual repression are not static states of being, but experiences that fluctuate over time. You may feel repressed one day and empowered the next. You may experience empowerment in one sexual scenario and struggle to overcome the repression with which you were raised. The experience of sexual repression (which is universal) does not mean that “repressed” is a part of your sexual identity, as sexuality is fluid. You may feel empowered on your own, but you may be socially repressed because of your gender, sexual orientation, race, age, ability or body type. While empowerment and overcoming sexual repression may be admiral goals, it’s important to look at the ways in which systemic oppression wreak havoc on our sexual identities and sexual expression. If, however, you feel that your own attitude or behaviours (or those of your partner) are resulting in feelings of sexual repression, you might consider whether or not... 1. Your partner (or society) shames you for your sexual desires or fantasies. This is a serious red flag and a sign that you may not be compatible. Compatibility can be cultivated, but if they judge you for your sexual desires, you may find difficulty finding common ground. What to do: Talk to them about the judgment. Call it what it is. Ask them to explain the source of this judgment. How does it make them feel? Are they struggling to overcome a sexual issue and are they projecting their negative feelings on to you? If they’re willing to work on this, you can find a path to compatibility. If they continue to shame or judge you (without acknowledging their own hangups and baggage), you may want to consider whether they’re the right sexual partner for you. 2. You feel guilty about masturbating or enjoying sex. Masturbation is common, pleasurable and healthy for people of all genders. However, many of us are raised to believe that it’s a dirty little secret and overcoming these negative messages can be a challenge. What to do: Examine the reasons why masturbation is shameful. Make a list with two columns: Why it’s bad and why it’s good. Consider the pros against the cons to approach sex and masturbation with a more rational (and less moral) lens. 3. You enjoy sex, but feel ashamed or embarrassed after engaging in sex that brings you pleasure. What to do: Consider the messages you received about sex growing up. Look at them from an evidence-based perspective. Look for scientific reasons why you shouldn’t enjoy sex and why you should feel ashamed. And then look for reasons why you deserve to enjoy sex. Here are a few: Improved sexual functioning. Self-pleasure can help you to become more familiar with your own body and its unique sexual responses. You’ll likely become better at asking for what you want during partnered sex as a result of your self-pleasure sessions. Boosted body confidence. Masturbation not only fosters a positive connection with your body, but it can boost self-esteem. When your body performs (through a sport, a dance or a session of pleasure), you experience an increase in confidence and tend to focus on its strong points as opposed to its “problems”. Heightened sexual desire. Masturbation is elemental to increasing desire in many cases, as it helps us to learn about our own bodies and reactions. Self-pleasure also increases the likelihood of orgasm and is c...
Jess & Brandon address a listener who wants to “convince” his wife to fulfill his fantasy. They discuss the appeal of public sex and how you can build upon your fantasies in a safe way and incorporate your partner. Please see some summary notes from this podcast below: I may be weird but I want to have sex in public. How can I convince my wife to fulfill this fantasy? Public sex carries an element of risk, which can heighten excitement, desire, passion and intimacy — if you balance this risk to ensure personal safety. I often suggest that the formula for a lasting relationship involves cultivating so much love, safety, trust and respect that you can engage in non-sexual behaviours and/or explore fantasies that are a little risky. Having sex in public is one example of an activity that can heighten passion without huge risk as long as you consider your local laws. Not everyone consents to watching or hearing you have sex, so be mindful and respectful of others’ boundaries. If you go shopping with your younger sibling or child, you don't want to hear a couple having sex in the next fitting room. If you go for a walk with your grandmother, you don’t expect to see a couple getting it on behind a tree. You can experiment with elements of public sex without exposing yourself to non-consenting parties. Consider the time, place, lighting and other logistics as you explore this fantasy. A public park or parking lot at 3am likely provides less privacy than it does at 2am. But you don’t have to have sex in front of a crowd to benefit from the thrill of public sex. Consider the following strategies to enjoy the risk and reward without reaping negative consequences: 1. Have sex on your own property — on the balcony or in your yard (in the dark), for example. You’ll enjoy the thrill of being outdoors and the threat of being watched or caught, but you can control the degree of exposure and slip back inside at any point in time. Be sure to turn off the outdoor and indoor lights so that your neighbours won’t be able to see you in action. Other semi-public options include the car, single-stall restrooms and fitting rooms. 2. Expand your definitions of sex. Don’t get hung up on P-V intercourse. Time and space won’t always allow for all types of sex, so get your quickie on using your hands, lips, tongue and even toys — consider a wearable toy like the new We-Vibe Moxie. Wear it while shopping and give your partner the reins of control (using the remote control or the WeConnect smartphone app). 3. You don’t have to “finish”. Obviously there is no universal finish line for sex, but oftentimes, we become focused on reaching orgasm as the ultimate goal. Instead of striving to climax in a public space, consider getting started in public with dirty talk, discreet touching, sexting, rubbing through clothing under the table and other activities before moving into a private space to follow up. 4. Go to a sex club or event where on-site sex is permitted. You can enjoy the thrill of exhibitionism without the risk of violating others’ consent. This podcast is brought to you by Desire Resorts.
Karen B.K. Chan, joins Jess and Brandon on the podcast to discuss rejection. How can we manage rejection? And when we feel rejected, how can we embrace it? How do we develop resilience and emotional literacy and to navigate uncomfortable social situations. Listen now and learn more! The following is a rough transcript of the introduction to this podcast: When was the last time you felt rejected — in work, socially, or otherwise? I feel rejected often because I talk to strangers so often. The other day I was walking down the street and I said good afternoon to a woman and she didn’t reply. The way I read the situation was that she looked up at me, mouth agape and then averted her gaze. I felt as though she was irritated with me and though that may have not been the case - she may have been shy or felt threatened or simply didn't know what to say, but I remember feeling irritated. But I was only irritated because I felt rejected. I also feel rejected when I try to make conversation with people and they seem uninterested. When I play Ultimate, I often play with new players or new teams or new subs and some people really like to chat on the sidelines and others clearly aren’t interested. I always try to make conversation because I’m chatty and sometimes I get one word answers and I take it personally. But of course, it’s not their responsibility to make sure I manage my own feelings of rejection. They may not want to talk because they’re into the game. They may not be in the mood. They may just not really like me. And I’m sensitive about this. Sometimes when I’m in certain spaces, I feel like I’m being rejected because of my race, because of my occupation, because of my appearance if I don’t fit in. But this is on me. I grew up thinking people in Toronto were snobby and at some points in my life, I had a chip on my shoulder because of this. And I think it’s because I wasn’t being honest about how I felt. I wasn’t owning the feelings of rejection. And feelings of rejection are tough. They’re psychological and physiological. Evolutionary theorists suggest that because we come from hunter-gatherers, we needed the community to survive. When we felt rejected by the group, we feared for our lives because we simply couldn’t survive on our own. It stems from a life or death situation and it’s a warning system for our own protection. Of course, we no longer live in the wild, so we no longer need to allow rejection to scare us. In fact, we’ll be better off if we embrace rejection. MRI studies show that the same areas of the brain become activated when we experience rejection as when we experience physical pain and pain medications like Acetaminophen can reduce emotional pain. But emotional pain can feel more intense than physical pain because we can recall it, and because when we face emotional pain like the pain of rejection, we tend to self-sabotage and be harder on ourselves. If you get a bruise, you don’t ruminate about it, but we tend to be self-critical when faced with emotional rejection. I want to talk about rejection because I think we’re getting it all wrong. I think we fear it too intensely and it’s time to embrace it. We often talk about the power of vulnerability and how much it can improve self-esteem, relationships and fulfillment. And rejection is a part of this vulnerability. Rather than avoiding or dismissing rejection, I want us to embrace it and learn from it. Joining us to discuss how to handle rejection is BK Chan. BK is sex and emotional literacy educator. BK has an Emotional Intelligence online course you can access here. The following is a rough transcript of the podcast conclusion: Rejection is a life skill. There are so many pearls of wisdom to pull from BK’s insights and even though I’ve only met BK a few times, she is one of my favourite people I’ve ever had the privilege of speaking to and spending time with.
Julie Peters, author of Want: 8 Steps to Recovering Desire, Passion, and Pleasure After Sexual Assault, shares her insights regarding recovery and the return to desire, sexuality, trust, and pleasure after assault. Her approach is grounded in gratitude, mindfulness and pleasure and is relevant to survivors of all genders as well as the general population. This podcast is brought to you by Desire Resorts.
Loveline's host, Dr. Chris Donaghue joins Jess and Brandon to share insights from his latest book, Rebel Love: Break The Rules, Destroy Toxic Habits and Have the Best Sex of Your Life. They discuss porn addiction, solo-sexuality, body image, toxic masculinity, the drawbacks of monogamy and the habits we need to break to tap into authentic sexuality. Thank you to We-Vibe and Womanizer for bringing Dr. Donaghue to Toronto!
In this episode, we talk about a fight we had the other day and our top three strategies for resolving conflict in our marriage. We also discuss Airpod sex, Canadian open relationships & millennial marriage with reference to two recent studies. ***Please find a rough version of this transcript below.*** Welcome! We had a short fight about pretty much nothing last weekend and it reminded me that I had committed to talking about how we resolve arguments, so today we’ll be talking about our arguments and how we resolve them. But first. A new study suggests that 20 percent of people with AirPods wear them during sex… And a Canadian study is on my radar today too. Researchers from the University of British Columbia looked at data from a nationally representative survey of about 2,000 Canadian adults. They found that four per cent of those in relationships reported being in an open relationship, while 20 percent reported having been in an open relationship in the past. Meanwhile, more than one in ten (12 percent) reported that open relationships were their "ideal relationship type.” Does this surprise you? And I also want to mention another study suggesting that millennials are giving up a big milestone in order to save for a home. They’re skipping marriage because of the cost of real estate. Rather than buying an engagement ring and spending tens of thousands of dollars on a wedding, they’re skipping the wedding and saving for a house. But here’s the thing: a wedding doesn’t have to cost you tens of thousands of dollars. You can save for a house and get married if you want to if you stop making your wedding a financially burdensome affair. If you think the institution of marriage is outdated, I hear you. And you don’t have to get married. But if you want to get married and you’re avoiding it because of the costs, just remember that a wedding doesn’t have to break the bank. And as I said last week, please stop planning your weddings and start planning your marriages. If you think planning a wedding is stressful or you find it overwhelming, you’re probably going to find a lifetime of commitment, cohabitation, cultivating intimacy and possibly co-parenting even more overwhelming, so forget the menu and the flowers and the napkins and the seating arrangements and redirect that energy into talking to your partner about how you plan to spend money for the rest of your life, how you plan to integrate your families in your lives, how you plan to have kids if that’s in the plans and how you plan to have sex potentially with only one person until death do you part. Now back to the matter at hand or the one I’m avoiding — our fights and arguments. Over the weekend, we were in Montreal and we got into a tiff on Saturday afternoon over pretty much nothing. If I tell the story it’s going to sound ridiculous. So I’m going to try to tell it. 1. We admit when crankiness is to blame. Sometimes arguments are about nothing. They’re not indicative of an underlying issue. They’re not intended to move the relationship forward and improve understanding. They’re simply a result of a mad mood or a lack of patience. And it can be hard when you know you’re the one at fault to step back and say mea culpa. It can feel overwhelming to take responsibility when you’re physiologically flooded and you’ve been diving in for the past ten minutes about some ridiculous issue. In fact, it can feel ridiculous to backpedal after you’ve been trying to prove a point or show just how right you are and admit that everything you said makes no sense at all and you’re sorry. This only works if your partner isn’t in it to win it. If you have a partner you is focused on winning an argument or being right, you’re not going to want to stop and say, “Yeah...I’m sorry. I’m being unreasonable. Forgive me.” You need a partner who’s willing to look past your temporarily irrational ...