Sex with Dr. Jess
Summary: In Sex With Dr. Jess, Dr. Jessica O'Reilly, Toronto-based sexologist, author, and media personality, shares tips on how to enhance your sexual life to improve the quality of your relationships. She interviews guests with questions ranging from how to deal with jealousy to getting down in the bedroom, as well as hosting thought-provoking episodes centered around compatibility and strengthening relationships.
It’s our 100th episode! We’re answering rapid-fire questions on everything from jealousy, uneven breasts, and birth control to penis flavours, positions and sex toys. Tune in and keep the questions coming. Sex Questions Answered: Rapid Fire Round Rough Transcript: It’s our 100th episode! Yay us! Thanks so much for listening and for sharing with your friends. If you like the podcast, please do share it and write us a review online. And thank you to Desire Resorts for being our headline sponsor - you know we love their clothing optional beaches and cruises and we welcome any questions you might have about their vacations since the concept is so unique. And speaking of questions, we’re going to be answering 100 sex and relationship questions to celebrate our 100th episode. We’ve been collecting so many questions from you and we want to answer as many as possible so we’ll be doing a rapid fire round today and I’ll do my best to answer as many as possible. We’ll probably have to continue in next week’s episode. Some of these questions come from teens and some come from grandparents, so it’s quite a wide range. Brandon: are you ready? 1. Can pre cum get you pregnant? Yes - it can. If there is sperm present in the urethral tract, pre-cum can carry this sperm into the vagina and it can eventually meet with an egg. 2. Does the birth control pill make you gain weight? People report that it does, but research from 44 studies suggests that it’s temporary — perhaps a side effect of fluid retention. But ultimately, you know your body so if hormonal birth control is affecting your energy, sleep, mood, these factors affect your weight. You also have non-hormonal options like the copper IUD, condoms for the penis, internal condoms that can be worn inside the vagina. 3. If your vagina is only 6 inches (in depth?) how can a 7" or 8" penis fit inside? The average vagina is not that long in an unaroused state. It’s shorter than 4 inches on average. First, the entire penis cannot possibly slide inside and secondly, we believe that the cervix tents as you become aroused, muscle relax and the fornices also provide a little extra space to accommodate the object or penis of your choosing. The average penis length is far below 7 or 8 inches. 4. Should I still use a condom if I’m on the pill and we’ve been together for 2+ years? Whether or not you use condoms isn’t a matter of how long you’ve been together. It’s a matter of health practices like testing, lifestyle factors (like do you take your pill reliably and do you need a backup method?) and risk factors (e.g. are you monogamous?). It’s a personal choice, but if you don’t use condoms, remember that the pill provides zero protection to reduce STI transmission. 5. Why is one breast bigger than the other? The body isn’t symmetrical. Just like your feet are slightly different sizes and your eyebrows will never be twins - only sisters - one breast is usually bigger than the other and that’s cool. No one is going to notice but you and even if they do, they’re not going to care. If you do notice any changes in size or shape, let your healthcare practitioner know so they can decide if any tests are necessary. 6. How do I deal with a jealous child? He’s 12 years old. Remind them that it’s normal to feel jealous and the jealousy sometimes isn’t rational. Focus on governing behaviour — not the feeling itself. It’s okay to feel this way, but you don’t want to be mean to your brother. Tell a story about a time you were jealous and how you responded to normalize the feeling; if you regret your response, admit it and suggest how you might respond today. Drop the comparisons and generally focus on your child’s strengths to...
Jess and Brandon answer listener questions about swallowing, squirting, nervousness, physical affection and sex dolls. Please find a rough summary of the podcast. We’re working on a transcript which should be coming soon! Today we’re talking physical affection, sex headaches, semen swallowing, FMF fantasies and squirting. Thank you to Desire Resorts for their support of this podcast. But first…Sex doll smuggling. A Trinidadian man had his sex doll seized at the border after being informed that it contravened section 45 (l) of the Customs Act as it has human genitalia. He is now suing Trinidad’s Customs and Excise Division and while I can’t comment on Trinidad’s import policies, I’m always concerned when the government steps in and ultimately dictates what you can and can’t do as consenting adults in the privacy of your bedroom. I ran into this in the UAE when I was working in Dubai. My clients got in trouble for trying to import sex toys and they taught me an important lesson about how to take vibrators in to countries where they’re prohibited: put them next to your hair curler or straightening iron because then they look like they’re part of the same electronic components. And so far it has worked for me. But I just thought this story offered a good reminder that we should talk about sex dolls because there are now sex doll brothels in Canada, Europe, Asia and they must be coming soon to the US - like a boy band, they’re always big in Europe, Asia and Canada first and then they hit the US. And I’ve seen so many lifelike sex dolls on display at trade shows and in sex clubs. Our listener questions are piling up and it’s stressing me out a bit because I don’t like to leave you hanging, so we’re going to address a series of questions today. 1. A 'buddy of mine' is worried that something is wrong because he doesn’t always want to be touched - especially right after work or when he’s watching the game. His girlfriend gets mad because she wants to kiss or cuddle and he just feels smothered and guilty for not wanting to touch her. Is this a psychological issue? How should he deal with it? Just as some people crave touch constantly, others abhor it. Wherever you fall along the spectrum of desire of physical touch, you’re perfectly normal. As long as you can function (i.e. go to work, maintain relationships), I wouldn’t worry about how little or how much touch you desire. In your friend’s case, it sounds as though he simply wants some space and needs to clearly communicate his boundaries to his partner. He should let her know when and how he wants to be touched and clarify that there are simply times when he wants physical space. He shouldn’t feel guilty. Many mothers complain about feeling “touched out” at the end of the day; their kids have been all over them all day and they just don’t want anyone else (i.e. their partners) to hug, kiss or initiate sex. Your friend may be experiencing something similar. Compatibility in relationships isn’t rooted finding someone who wants the same things as you (e.g. you don’t have to share a mutual love of cuddling); compatibility involves working together to meet one another’s needs and accepting that one person cannot fulfill all of your needs everyday for the rest of your lives. If his girlfriend wants more affection, he can offer it at times and she can also seek it elsewhere — she could cuddle with the dog, get more hugs from friends and family or spend some time touching herself. Once you acknowledge that you’re not required to meet your partner’s every need (and they can’t possibly meet all of yours), you’ll likely cultivate happier, more satisfying relationships. 2. Is it safe to swallow your own semen? It sure is! You can taste and swallow your own semen as long as you...
How much should appearance matter in dating? How do you overcome fears of rejection and develop high self-worth? How do we address racism, colorism and discrimination in dating? Dr. Donna and Jess share their experiences and perspectives to help you feel better in your own skin and address your own biases. Follow Dr. Donna Oriowo on... Twitter Facebook Instagram This podcast is brought to you by Desire Resorts.
How important is oral sex? Is it okay to have a crush on a co-worker if I’m married? Are ‘cheating clauses’ healthy for relationships? How do I get over a crush? Why does sex education matter? Jess and Brandon chat sex, love and relationships addressing these questions and many more. Check out the rough summary notes from the podcast below: We’re in south Florida this week - I’m working on a new book all about seduction and foreplay along with my co-author Marla Stewart and we are enjoying the sunshine. But it has been a stressful week - with Lido. And I just found out that I’m shadow banned on Instagram because my account gets reported all the time - I don’t post provocative or even sexy photos. It’s mostly my face, Brandon’s and my pup Lido’s, but because people don’t like that I talk about sex, they report me and Instagram has shadow banned me. Now they can send me harassing messages and Instagram doesn’t do anything about it. I reported a dick pick on FB the other day and FB said that the person’s account doesn't violate their terms. But somehow because I talk about sex and relationships, none of my hashtags show up in feeds or searches and my content is hidden from many people’s feeds - even those who follow me. So if you follow me on Insta - it’s SexWithDrJess - please take a moment to head over to my account. If you can comment on a photo or two it should help me out - and Insta doesn’t like one word comments because they think they’re bots. It’s a struggle working in this field because even though we’re here providing education and trying to help people to feel better about themselves, we face judgment and pushback at every turn. We live in a culture that is okay with depictions of gruesome violence or extreme risk taking and dangerous behaviour like shootouts, or high speed car chases, or war, but the mere mention of sex — which by the way is a the life-force that keeps our planet populated — freaks people out. I had a post reported on FB entitled 5 conversations to deepen the bond and connection in your relationship. FB said it violated their community standards. Yet I see posts that promote homophobia, transphobia, racism and misogyny every time I open my feed. Without sex you wouldn’t be here. Without sex, we wouldn’t have computers, we wouldn’t have surgical developments that save lives, we wouldn’t have the internet that keeps us connected. People developed these technologies and people are here because their parents had sex. This erotophobia not only affects my day-to-day life - I see it when people judge me when I walk in a room because of my work and I can’t wait until the day I stop caring and speak up, but more importantly our fear of sex affects the health and safety of every one of us. Because we don’t talk about sex with young people, we’re putting their lives at risk. Because research shows that sex education - talking about sex - is associated with improved academic achievement, greater gender equity, higher school attendance rates. Research shows that sex education is associated with suicide prevention. Research shows that sex education can dispel misinformation about sex spread by popular media. Done right, it can address the misogynist, ableist, ageist, classist, racist depictions of sex and relationships we see in popular media. Research shows that sex education can improve confidence, decrease abuse, and help people to live more fulfilling lives and have happier relationships. It reduces STI transmission and unplanned pregnancies by increasing the likelihood of delaying sex, using condoms and communicating about what you want and what you don’t want. But somehow, sex ed is framed as a controversial issue. A divisive issue. A political issue. But it’s not a matter of politics or opinion or religion — sex ed is a matter ...
How do you talk to your kids about porn? How do you teach consent from a young age? How do you have awkward conversations about sex? What does it mean to be a sex-positive parent? Melissa Pintor Carnagey joins Jess and Brandon to share her advice and insights on these topics and more. You can find Melissa online at sexpositivefamilies.com. They have downloadable guides, resources, podcast episodes and blog posts that offer education to help families raise sexually healthy children. One of their most popular resources is our Sex Positive Families Reading List with over 100 curated books about sexual health topics for children and adults of all ages. Follow Melissa on... Instagram Twitter Facebook *** Check out Jess' thoughts on how to talk to your kids about porn below: The landscape of sex has changed since we were kids with sexting, mobile porn and social media shaping the way young people learn about sex. With explicit content at their fingertips, talking to our children about sex and porn is more important than ever. And as uncomfortable as a conversation about porn may be, there is no avoiding it if we want to support our children in developing healthy attitudes toward intimacy, sexuality and relationships. While there is no perfect formula for addressing such a sensitive and subjective topic, we have a few tips for making the conversation count: Ask questions without judgment Parents often wonder how to start a conversation about sex and it is common to have serious concerns with regard to exactly how much information they should reveal. One of the best ways to address these concerns is to ask questions to help understand what your kids have seen, learned and heard about sex and porn. Ideally, you’ll want to address the topic before your child is exposed to the material, but many young people click on adult content inadvertently. If your young child has clicked on a porn link accidentally, you might want to ask him what he saw and what he thought of the images, language and content. By remaining neutral in tone, language and facial expressions, you can encourage your child to express himself without fear of judgment. If you’ve found adult links on your child’s computer, you might ask her what she felt when viewing the videos and emphasize that both positive, negative and conflicting reactions are normal. Other questions to guide your discussion might include: What do you know about porn/sex? Do your friends ever talk about porn/sex and if so, what have you heard? How did you feel about what you saw? When your child presents you with a question about a sex term or sex act (e.g. What is intercourse?), you can turn the tables and ask him/her what s/he already knows. This is the perfect teachable moment to dispel any misinformation and learn a bit more about your child’s sources of sex information which may range from schoolyard friends and older siblings to the internet and television programs. Fill in the blanks with age-appropriate information. Depending on your child’s age and your comfort level, you can fill in as much or as little information as you deem suitable. Sex education is most effective when it is age appropriate; for example, a four year old can understand the basics of reproduction (a man and a woman are needed to create a baby), whereas a 7 year-old can grasp the basic concepts of intercourse (the penis goes in a vagina). Answering your child’s questions about sex and porn from such an early age may seem counterintuitive, but research continues to confirm that learning accurate information about sex (including both positive and negative outcomes) does not lead to an increase sexual activity; accurate sex education, however,
Courtney Brame joins Jess and Brandon to talk about sex, relationships and dating after an STI diagnosis. He shares insights on how to disclose, provides advice on sexual communication and talks about stigma, suicide and self-worth. Follow Courtney on... Twitter Instagram Check out Courtney's podcast, Something Positive for Positive People here. Jess was also interviewed about the herpes stigma recently and we’ve included the notes from the interview below. 1. Why is there a stigma around herpes? Sex is stigmatized and so all potentially negative outcomes of sex are intensely stigmatized. The unnecessary suffering that sometimes accompanies herpes is ultimately because of the stigma — not the virus itself. Herpes seems to hold a special stigma that is not proportionate to its health risk. In terms of health, most people with herpes have nothing to worry about. Outbreaks are often rare, decrease with time and can be relived and surpassed with antiviral medication. You do want to take precaution when having sex (herpes can increase the risk of HIV transmission and be a risk when pregnant), but overall, it need not have a significant impact on your (sex) life since we all should be practicing safer sex. Part of the stigma is reinforced by herpes jokes that don’t seem to apply to other STIs. 2. What steps can one take to alleviate the shame and depression that often accompany a diagnosis? Know that you’re perfectly normal — and healthy! People contract bacterial and viral infections all the time (the common cold, flu, etc.) and they don’t hang their head in shame. It’s absurd that we see sexually transmitted infections as remarkably different from the ones that occur from not washing your hands properly after riding the subway. I have a client who takes pride in smashing stereotypes and tells dates about her herpes when they first meet. She shares stats to normalize the conversation (1 in 5 Americans have it) and is armed with accurate information about its transmission (medication can reduce breakouts and transmission). When you share the fact that you have an STI, know that their reaction is really a reflection of their own knowledge and comfort (or lack thereof) and not a reflection of their feelings toward you. If they are judgmental, fearful or express hurtful rejection, it’s likely a matter of their own discomfort (with sex generally - we stigmatize STIs that are easier to treat than the common cold) or lack of knowledge. I know it shouldn’t be your job to educate people, but it can help the conversation to unfold more smoothly if you provide accurate info about transmission, management and treatment. Many of the clients I work with say that the majority of their experiences have been positive - they’ve been met with positive responses from new lovers who appreciate and learn from their honesty. 3. If you don't have herpes, what are some things you can do to help disempower the stigma? What are some things you'd suggest saying to a friend who's been diagnosed? Stop making herpes jokes. We’re all guilty of this. If you look back at homophobic jokes in movies from 10-20 years ago, it seems shameful. Hopefully we can convince filmmakers to cut out the herpes jokes as well so that we’ll look back and see how ridiculous, harmful and unfunny they really were. If a friend shares their diagnosis… Don’t ask prying questions (how did you get it? do you have an outbreak now? who gave it to you?) Do research on your own. If you have questions, turn to reliable online resources (https://www.cdc.gov/std/herpes/default.htm, http://www.ashasexualhealth.org/stdsstis/herpes/) and don’t expect your friend to educate you or answer all of your questions.
What should you do if your partner says one thing, but does another? How do you talk about the fact that they're avoiding sex? How do you address social media behaviour that makes you uncomfortable? Jess and Brandon talk to Canadian dater, Katrina, about her dating dilemmas. This podcast is brought to you by Desire Resorts.
Steve Harvey says you should act like a lady & think like a man. Taylor Swift suggests playing games. Jada Pinkett-Smith says she’s nobody’s watcher. Adam Levine claims you should always let a woman believe she is right. Dr. Nikki Coleman joins Jess and Brandon to dissect celebrity relationship advice and address how we can use their insights to improve our own relationships. Follow Dr. Nikki on... Facebook Twitter Instagram This podcast is brought to you by Desire Resorts.
Do you love your body? Loving your body is a radical statement in a culture and economy that feeds on body insecurity. Jess and Brandon want you to love your body, so they're sharing stories, insights and tips on how getting naked can improve your relationship and revolutionize your life. This podcast is brought to you by Desire Resorts.
Jess and Brandon discuss how they’re feeling in light of their dog’s cancer diagnosis and talk about the role gratitude plays in their lives and relationships. They share five specific strategies for being more grateful in life and marriage. As mentioned in this episode, check out Jess' video course: Mindful Sex: Deeper Connection, Intimacy and Pleasure This podcast is brought to you by Desire Resorts.
How can I ensure I’m the BEST he’s ever had? How do we know if we’re sexually compatible? How do I bring up hygiene before oral sex? How can I make sure our sex life is “fair”? Jess and Brandon tackle these listener questions in the first episode of 2019. This podcast is brought to you by Desire Resorts.
Jess and Brandon talk about love languages, the holidays and their reaction to “You May Want To Marry My Husband”. They also share the dating profiles they wrote for one another and why they love this activity. This is an exercise you can try with your partner and it makes the ultimate holiday gift — it’s free and it keeps on giving! This podcast is brought to you by Desire Resorts.
Jess and Brandon answer listener questions about how to have a happier relationship this holiday season. This podcast is brought to you by Desire Resorts.
They sold everything and moved to Mexico. They’ve touched over 6000 people. And they’ve been swingers from the start. Lauren and Richard, from the Room 77 Podcast, chat with Jess and Brandon about their relationship, unique lifestyle and their sexual experiences. Have a listen via the link above and check out the summary of this episode’s key messages below: 1. Don’t wait to talk about what you want. If something is important to you, speak up from the onset. You don’t have to wait until the 5th or 50th date to open up, as dating rules are relics of the past. If you’re hoping to lure someone in before disclosing important information about your preferences and desires, it will likely cause more damage to the relationship in the long-run. 2. Selfish lovers can be the best lovers. Almost everyone is turned on by their partner’s pleasure and arousal, so don’t be afraid to ask for what you want! If you have trouble receiving pleasure or want to overcome performance pressure, you may want to consider mindfulness approaches to enhance your experience — and your partner’s. 3. You don’t have to want the same things to be compatible, but you do need to be open to learning about your partner’s desires without judgment. You can always find common ground — if you have an open mind. 4. Swinging can be about friendship, but for some people it’s just about sex and that’s okay. You don’t have to fit your sexual lifestyle into hetero-normative, monogamous-normative versions of love and sex. We don’t need hierarchies of relationships — in or out of the lifestyle. 5. If you have the opportunity to watch live sex (with consent), it can be a moving and revolutionary experience. In the absence of comprehensive sex education, most people turn to porn to learn about sex, but it’s not intended as an educational tool. Porn is intended to titillate and entertain and many of the messages 6. Pressure is the antithesis to pleasure. If you get hung up on a goal (e.g. orgasm), it is likely to detract from the experience. Lauren’s advice: just relax and have fun. If you have an orgasm — great! If not, hopefully you experience pleasure, connection or another benefit of touching and exploring with a partner. 7. If you’re going to make a statement about sex remember that it’s based on your experience — not expertise. Just because something applies in your case or your relationship doesn’t mean it can be generalized to the masses. 8. Mutual masturbation may be intimidating, but it’s powerful experience. If you feel awkward, you’re not alone, as masturbation is likely something you’ve done in private for your entire life. Many of us were also raised to do so with shame and secrecy for fear of being “caught”. Some strategies to overcome your awkwardness: Try it on the phone first. Describe what you’re doing to ease yourself in to being watched in person Do it in the dark or under the covers; it can be hot to be watched, but you may not want to be studied, as this makes many people feel self-conscious. Touch one another while you’re touching yourselves. Even a hand on the thigh or a few warm kisses can help you to feel connected and safe during any sex act. Don’t feel the need to “get off”; you can engage in masturbation without the goal of orgasm. 9. Check out the work of other great sex educators Jess met at Sex Down South: Marla Renee Stewart Honestly Nae Dr. Annod Right Tanya Bass This podcast is brought to you by Desire Resorts.
LaDonna Wright, creator of the adult game, Secret VII, joins Jess to address relationships and sexual health questions. Secret VII can be purchased here or on Amazon. Follow LaDonna on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter. This podcast is brought to you by Desire Resorts.