ON BOYS Podcast

The Boy Code. The Man Box. Whatever you want to call it, our boys are constrained by a largely unspoken set of expectations that exert pressure on them to behave and act in certain ways. Jonathon Reed helps boys -- and others -- understand and question these expectations. His podcast, Breaking the Boy Code, features real boys talking about their real, lived experiences. Reed adds the voices and insights of experts to each episode, and it's impossible to listen to even one episode and not be moved by the plight of boys and men. It's impossible to listen and not learn something. Jonathon Reed, creator of Breaking the Boy Code podcast, & friend While many people talk about boys, Jonathon talks with boys. He gives them a safe space to explore their thoughts and experiences of masculinity, and he gives them a venue to share their insights with others. For instance, after reports of sexual assault and hazing at St. Michael's College in Toronto made international news, Jonathan asked boys about their experience. Was the episode at St. Michael's an aberration, or something boys commonly experience? Why does hazing persist? How does it affect boys? The resulting episode, In That Moment You're Scared: Boys & Hazing, is a must-listen. Seriously: if you are raising boys, teaching boys or coaching boys, you need to go listen to it. Right now. (We'll wait.) As a child, Jonathon says, "I got told everyday, 'The way you're being a boy is not okay.'" Today, he helps boys understand that it's perfectly okay to be themselves. In this episode, Janet, Jen & Jonathon discuss: * Hazing * Building relationships with boys * The Boy Code * How to help boys handle social stereotypes and peer pressure * Why you need to know what's going on in your son's life * How to talk to boys about social expectations -- & how to support them when they want to step beyond the norm * The search for safety * How boys' experience & express emotion * How to equip boys to handle spaces with no supervision (such as locker rooms) * Why you shouldn't take your boy's moods personally Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Breaking the Boy Code podcast In That Moment You're Scared: Boys & Hazing -- Episode 1 of Breaking the Boy Code Cracking the Boy Code: How to Understand and Talk with Boys, by Adam Cox -- book mentioned at 24:21 Next Gen Men -- a Canadian-based nonprofit organization engaging, educating, and empowering men and boys around gender in schools, communities, and workplaces Real Boys: Rescuing Our Sons From the M...

Do you have a son heading off to college or university this fall? How about in the future? The more you know about the college search and admission process, the easier this transition will be -- for your son, for you and for your entire family. Dr. Pamela Ellis, author of What to Know Before they Go and founder of Compass College Advisory, has helped many families navigate college preparation and the transition from high school to university. She says that lack of knowledge -- the "unknown" -- complicates the process, causing unnecessary anxiety and stress. She also reminds us that one of the most important questions we can ask our college-bound kids is "Why?" -- as in, Why are you going to college? What do you hope to get from the experience? That question might seem extremely simplistic, but it's crucial. Your child's answer will help him focus his energies and find the path that's most appropriate for him. It may also highlight a disconnect. If your expectations, hopes and dreams for your child's college experience are radically different than your child's, one (or both of you) is bound to be disappointed. Better to have these conversations in advance! Pamela also encourage us to take a holistic view of college preparation. When your child is in middle school, developing social skills and taking some tentative steps toward independence (by gradually assuming more responsibility, for instance) IS college prep. Children also need to learn how to spend time alone. High school students should develop self-advocacy skills and increasing self-awareness. Teenagers must be in charge of college planning, Pamela says. Your child may benefit from your guidance and experience, but ultimately, your child should lead. If you're having a hard time letting go or are concerned about some of your child's choices, Pamela suggests involving a third party, such as a teacher, coach or guidance counselor who's already a part of your child's life. "Kids hear things differently from their parents than they do from a third party," she says. "They could say the same thing that you're saying but somehow it just sounds totally different when they say it than when you say it as a parent." In this episode, Janet, Jen & Pamela discuss: * Why the summer between high school and college is particularly challenging for teens & their parents -- and how to make it easier * Why YOU need to be confident when your son is leaving home * What parents of middle-schoolers need to know about college * How an interest inventory can help your child create a realistic post-high school plan * How reading for pleasure prepares kids for college and beyond * How to minimize stress in the college preparation process * Why visiting colleges too soon is a very bad idea * Managing college costs * 4 key features to ensure that a college is the right fit * Gap years (and why a gap year may be a particularly good idea for boys!) * How working with an independent college counselor can save you time & money * How to find a trustworthy, ethical college consultant Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: What to Know Before They Go: College Edition -- Pamela's book Compass College Advisory -- Pamela's website. Includes lots of FREE, helpful information about college preparation

Boys interact differently than girls do. Sure, some of that is socialization. (A lot of that is probably socialization.) But the fact remains: boys' interactions on the playground, in school and at home are different than girls'. The way boys greet and play with one another is different than the way girls do so -- and if you're a mom or teacher of boys, odds are good that you've never been a boy yourself and don't understand the nuances of male interaction. Most boys naturally pick up these nuances. But some kids, particularly children with ADHD or autism, do not. These kids need extra assistance and support as they learn social skills. Unfortunately for our boys, many of people who do that work are middle-aged females who don't "speak" tween or teenage boy. Ryan Wexelblatt does. Ryan Wexelblatt Ryan is a licensed clinical social worker who specializes in working with boys. He's also the father of a 21 year old son. Raising a son ignited Ryan's interest in teaching social skills to boys -- and highlighted the need to teach social skills from a male perspective. (Did you know that the vast majority of people who teach social skills are women, while the vast majority of kids who require help with social skills are boys?) "These boys were learning social communication skills that weren't organic to the way boys their age spoke to each other," Ryan says. "It was overly formal, it was a lot of scripted behavior." Essentially, he says, many boys who were receiving formal social skills training "were being taught to speak like middle-aged women" -- which wasn't doing them any favors on the playground. Ryan helps boys navigate friendships and social situations. Listen & learn how you can support your boys' social development. In this episode, Jen & Ryan discuss: * Male/male social communication * How to differentiate disrespect from "roasting" & sarcasm * The importance of perspective-taking skills (& how to teach them) * Appropriate vs. needs-some-support social behavior * Signs of social problems * The difference between social anxiety and social learning challenges * Signs and symptoms of social anxiety * How to help boys with social anxiety * Why accommodating social anxiety is the absolute wrong thing to do (& what to do instead) * How to talk to your child about learning differences * Techniques you can use to reinforce and teach social skills * How to develop boys' social problem solving skills -- so they can solve playground and friendship disputes on their own! * Why trusting your instincts is a better option than soliciting parenting advice online Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Ride The Wave Counseling -- Ryan's counseling service (includes info about online coaching and his summer camp) ADHD Dude -- the online home of Ryan's ADHD work. Includes a link to his ADHD Dude Facebook group, and will soon feature an Executive Function class for parents as well as a Social Skills class for boys socialthinking.com -- includes lots of free articles about social, emotional & mental health Dudes Learn Social -- Ryan's series of YouTube videos aimed directly at boys

Photo by Daniel Hooker via Flickr   When do boys grow up? That question tends to elicit a chuckle; ask it in a group of middle-aged women, and you're likely to hear someone joke about their not-yet-grown husband. Ask it in a group of men, and well, you'll hear much the same thing. But to anxious parents, the when do they grow up? question is anything but funny. Parents of teenage boys wonder if their won't-listen, leaves-his-clothes-all-around-the-house-and-never-wants-to-do-anything-but-play-video-games boys will ever turn into responsible young men who can hold down a job. Parents of toddlers wonder if they'll ever be potty-trained, and parents of preschool boys wonder if their guys are prepared for kindergarten. Moms, in particular, are often anxious about their sons' futures. That's because females, in general, worry into the future, Janet says. We look at what's right in front of us and wonder how that will affect situations we see looming in the future. Which is reasonable, right? When you anticipate what's coming, you can prepare for it. But only to a certain extent. The future is always uncertain, and sometimes our worry about what might happen in the future keeps us from enjoying and appreciating the present. Of course, our worries aren't unfounded. There's plenty of reasons to worry about boys' preparation for the future. Consider these stats: * Boys are less likely to succeed in school than girls * Boys are more likely to get in trouble at school * Boys are less likely to graduate from high school & less likely to attend college * Boys are less likely to work in high school and college * Men ages 18-24 are more likely to live with their parents than their female counterparts Males Develop at a Different Pace Boys' and girls' brains and bodies develop according to unique timetables. At birth, newborn boys are developmentally about 2 weeks behind newborn girls. Girls typically develop fine-motor control and verbal skills before boys do, and boys' gross-motor skills tend to develop before their fine-motor skills. By school age, girls generally are able to sit and listen for a longer period of time than boys. Females' brain tend to mature years before males' brains. The prefrontal cortex -- the part of the brain that controls impulsivity and organization -- doesn't fully develop until age 25 in men, compared to age 21 for women. Unfortunately, our expectations don't always match our boys' development. If parents and teachers expect a 6-year-old boy to sit and read quietly for 20 minutes, they're likely to be disappointed; the part of the brain that handles language matures much later in boys than in girls, so many 6-year-old boys are not yet independent readers, and most struggle to sit still for longer than a few minutes. Boys who don't meet developmentally inappropriate expectations aren't "bad;" they've simply been asked to do something they're not yet ready to do. It's much easier to work with boys' natural timetable. It's a LOT easier -- and a lot less frustrating -- to teach reading to a boy who is ready to read. In the meantime, you can  read aloud to your son, for instance, while his brain continues to grow and mature. You can point out letters and squiggle them in the sand during play. And you can educate others about boys' developmental timetable. How to Support Boys' Development * Don't compare your son to others * Recognize that he can do more than you may be allowing him to do * Let your son take risks * Wait before "rescuing" your son * Involve boys in household work

Photo by Veronique Debord-Lazaro via Flickr We recently put out a call for listener questions, and boy, did you send 'em to us! Deanna asked: about the struggle of trying to find the perfect balance of keeping your boys busy enough to stay out of trouble, yet not overscheduled Erin asked us how to handle a "chatty" son who insists he's the one being unfairly targeted at school: Our son is almost 10, and in 4th grade. We've always heard report card feedback of "we know that he can talk and get his work done at the same time, but he needs to respect the fact that other students are disrupted by his talking." Ok, I get it -- I heard the exact same feedback on my report cards. We're chatty people! But now we're getting negative reports that are more serious because when he is asked to stop talking or joking around in class/after care, he is defiant, keeps doing what he's doing, and then tries to talk back when he gets a consequence. And when we talk to him about it, he acts like a victim who is unfairly persecuted...He'll argue with his teachers that his behavior isn't that bad, and that they're just being hard on him.  We're not sure how to handle this. He has certainly talked back to us at home before many times, and we feel like we know what to do about it. But he has NEVER been disrespectful to his teachers...Any advice would be lovely! Penny asked a related question: When is "disrespect" really DISRESPECT? How much attention, energy and punishment should we devote to it? Is it that they really need to be listened to and understood without judgement? In this episode, Janet & Jen discuss: * The myth of "perfect balance" * Balancing your sons' need for activity with your family schedule * The culture of busyness * How to help a son who doesn't accept responsibility for his behavior and blames others instead * Emotional development of 9- and 10-year old boys * How to effectively collaborate your son's teacher to solve behavioral challenges (Hint: Involve your son!) * How to differentiate between "disrespect," thoughtless behavior and sarcasm * Dealing with disrespect * How to discuss respect and disrespect with your son (Note: You need to be very, very concrete! What does respect look like? What is disrespect?) Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: You Asked About Age 14, Implicit Bias and Sensitive Boys (Listener Q & A) -- On Boys Episode 144 Help! My Son Has a Girlfriend (Listener Q & A) -- On Boys Episode  127 Lying, Risk & How to Advocate for Boys (Listener Q & A) -- On Boys Episode 113 Potty Talk, Vaping & School (Listener Q & A) -- On Boys Episode 112 Emails and Phone Calls From Teachers -- On Boys Episode 131 (includes the story about Sam's struggle w his art teacher, as mentioned at 8:56) Helping Boys Deal with Negative Stereotypes -- On Boys episode mentioned at 10:59 How to Advocate for Your Son - The live webinar with Janet has aired but you'll get the replay when you regi...

  How do you raise boys to become great men? That's the big question we tackle here at On Boys. It's the question Jen grapples with in her own home and on BuildingBoys, and the question Janet helps parents and teachers explore and answer through her coaching and online courses. Michael C. Reichert has spent a lot of time studying this question as well. He's a psychologist, dad & grandfather of boys and the founding director of the Center for the Study of Boys' and Girls' Lives. He's also the author of the recently released book, How to Raise a Boy: The Power of Connection to Build Good Men. The key, he says, is to make sure your boys feel known and loved. Many people today blame "toxic masculinity" for violent, entitled and racist behavior in men and boys. But blaming "masculinity" for these behaviors draws attention away from the ways the current method of raising and socializing boys leads to all kinds of harms, including loss of virtue, loss of connection and loss of humanity, Reichert says. Unfortunately, stereotypes about boys & masculinity cause many of us to forget or neglect boys' basic need for connection. Pushing a boy out of the nest too early -- insisting he go it alone with minimal support -- does not lead to strength, resilience and grit. Boys who lack a solid relational anchor (usually, a strong relationship with a parent or other adult) are adrift -- and these the boys who harm themselves and others. Of course, boys don't make connection easy. Thanks in part of stereotypes and societal expectations, boys are likely to resist, reject and avoid your efforts to connect. Try anyway. Keep trying. Reichert recommends these three strategies to build connection:  1 Deep listening 2. Special time 3. The listen-limit-listen model of discipline It's possible to reach your son, no matter how disconnected he may be, Reichert says. It is never too late to develop and deepen your relationship with your son. Raising good boys, Reichert says, is really quite simple.  "If we violate boys' basic natures, bad outcomes will ensue," he says, "If we meet their basic needs, they're likely to wind up connected to their hearts, connected to their virtue and connected to their goodness." Memorial to the victims of the Portland MAX train shooting In this episode, Janet, Jen & Michael discuss: * The importance of connection to boys * How relationships help boys become good men * The "Man Box" & how it restricts & harms boys * The 2017 MAX train attack in Portland & what it teaches us about masculinity * Toxic masculinity * The mama's boy myth (Spoiler alert: It is NOT TRUE that only men can teach boys how to be good men) * Dads' role in raising boys (Spoiler: It's NOT to teach him the secrets of masculinity) * 3 strategies to build connection with boys * Why boys won't work for teachers they don't believe care about them * How stereotypes affect boys' behavior * Why you need to create space & time to simply be delighted by your boys * How to control your emotions so you can become emotionally available to your son * Why it's perfectly OK to not be perfect

Photo by Pat Knight via Flickr Boys are subject to negative stereotypes too. If you've been parenting boys for awhile, that fact probably isn't news to you. You've probably heard your son complain about teachers who treat boys differently than girls. Maybe you've seen the way other moms watch your son -- and you -- at the park, as if they expect your son to cause trouble at any moment. If you're new to parenting boys, it might surprise you to learn that a lot people assume (consciously and subconsciously) that boys are troublemakers. Worse yet, these assumptions color the way people talk about and interact with our boys -- which affects our boys, socially and emotionally. A 2018 study, The Education of Playful Boys: Class Clowns in the Classroom, found that kindergarten teachers regard active, playful boys as "rebellious" and "intrusive." These attitudes transferred to the children. By the time the children were in 3rd grade, both the boys and their classmates had internalized the teachers' negative perceptions of the "class clowns." Is is any wonder that boys, on a whole, are less interested in school than girls? Or that boys are far more likely than girls to be suspended and expelled? Despite its prevalence, anti-boy/anti-male bias is not often discussed. Socially, we've made a lot of progress in addressing racial stereotypes and sexist behavior toward women, but negative assumptions about males are rarely acknowledged. One of the things we can do, as boy parents and advocates, is draw attention to persistent negative stereotypes. We can point them out. We can share our experiences with other families and insist on equitable treatment of our boys. And we can talk honestly about negative stereotypes. Our boys already know that many people are quick to assume the worst about boys. They need us to acknowledge that fact. They need us to help them untangle stereotype from reality. We also have to equip our boys with the tools they need to stand strong in the face of anti-boy messages. You can begin by loving your son unconditionally, as is. In this episode, Janet & Jen: * The "feel good" news story about middle school boys befriending a boy with autism at a local skate park -- and the negative stereotypes embedded in that story * How to respond when your son reports stereotyping or misunderstandings at school * How to help your son process negative stereotypes * The link between fear and implicit bias * Connection as a cure for implicit bias and negative stereotypes * How to effectively teach self-advocacy skills * Why moms of boys might be boys' best advocates Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Stop Assuming Boys Are Bad -- BuildingBoys blog post The Education of Playful Boys: Class Clowns in the Classroom -- research study mentioned at about 7:00 Don't Assume the Worst About Boys -- U.S News article by Jen How My Son, and a Pleather Jacket, Schooled Me on Being a 10-Year-Old Boy Today -- Washington Post article mentioned at 9:40

Kelly Goodwin is boy mom extraordinaire. Kelly Goodwin w her husband & 5 boys She's got 5 boys (currently ages 8-16), a degree in child development and a slew of nieces and nephews. If parenting boys has taught her anything, it's the power of trusting your instincts. That's why she launched Trust Yourself Mama, a YouTube channel that encourages parents of young children to trust themselves. Kelly's videos are short & sweet, so they're perfect for time-swamped parents who need a bit of encouragement and insight. Thanks to the internet (and podcasts!), parents today have instantaneous access to more parenting information than our grandparents could have ever envisioned. But all of that information can be a bit overwhelming. Kelly reminds us that we parents know our kids better than anyone. The parenting tips we find online might sound great, but only we can decide if those tips will be effective or helpful in our families. Kelly's videos are designed to be conversation-starters. You can watch them with your spouse or parenting partner, and then discuss your reactions. Her videos give you the chance to think carefully about your parenting goals and choose strategies aligned with your family values and goals. Kelly is quick to tell you that she doesn't have all the answer. Five boys and 16 years into parenting, she's still not sure when her boys need a dose of reality and when it would be better to simply encourage their dreams.   In this episode, Janet, Jen & Kelly discuss: * How to decide when to send your son to school (especially if he has a late summer birthday) * Making tough parenting decisions * Learning to "adjust on the fly" * Why it's important to understand what motivates each of your children * The value of intuition in parenting * How a family mission statement can help you make effective parenting decisions * The importance of consistency in parenting * How our emotions can hijack our parenting * Boys' desire for a cheerleader * Self-care for busy moms -- & why it's not selfish * The stupid questions people ask parents of all boys, including the ever-popular "So, you gonna keep trying for a girl?" Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Trust Yourself Mama -- Kelly's YouTube channel  

"He just won't talk to me." If you've ever uttered those words, you are not alone. Nearly every parent of boys has complained and/or worried about their sons' silence. We know that there's a lot going on in our boys' lives and we want to help -- but how can we help if they won't even tell us what's going on? Psychogeography, Janet says, might be the answer. (Don't know what that is? Don't worry! Jen didn't either.) The term psychogeography refers to the influence of geographical environment on the mind or on behavior. In other words, WHERE you are can influence communication. Think about it: hollering through a door sets an entirely different tone than sitting side-by-side in the car. As a parent, you can't make your son talk -- but there's a lot you can do to set the stage. Your actions, body language and behavior tell your son a lot about whether or not it's "safe" to talk to you. Phrases such as "My door is always open" and "You can tell me anything" are empty words to most boys. If you want your son to talk, you must first prove to your son -- through you words and behavior -- that you won't make things worse and are physically and emotionally available. Here's an acronym you can use to set yourself up for success: :  T.A.L.K. T -  The timing of your conversation. Be sensitive to your son's signals. A -  Incorporate action. Boys o best when they can do something physical during conversation. L - Love. Boys need to know that they're okay whatever is happening with them. K - Keep it kid-friendly. Choose developmentally appropriate words, and engage in your boy's world and interests. In this episode, Janet & Jen discuss: * The importance of listening * Phrases that don't work * How to set aside time for communication * Why side-by-side conversations are often the most productive * The T.A.L.K. approach to conversation * How to fix things if the conversation goes badly (Note: It is ALWAYS the adult's responsibility to repair the relationship. Don't expect your son to take the first step) * Why you must be vulnerable in conversation * How to set realistic expectations * Males' tendency to process feelings via action & females' tendency to process via words * Timing conversation (a.k.a, why it's important to make yourself available when they want to talk) Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: How to Listen so Boys Will Talk -- BuildingBoys blog post by Rob Brown What Do Teenagers Want? Potted Plant Parents -- New York Times article mentioned at 6:14 How to Raise a Boy: The Power of Connection to Build Good Men -- book by Michael C. Reichert, mentioned at about 10:30 Episode 129: Grief with Tom Golden -- podcast episode mentioned at 16:41

Katy Rank Lev has 3 feral sons. (Her words, not ours!) And up until her first son was born nine years ago, Katy had zero experience living with boys. She recently sent us this message :  I just had to write in and tell you all how meaningful your podcast is for me. I have all sisters and 12 female cousins...I never spent time w boys until I had 3! Your podcast is both validating and practical for me. Today, my oldest son asked if he could dismantle the dresser he broke before we hauled it out to the trash. I paused. And then said yes. All of my sons spent several peaceful hours dismantling the broken dresser, categorizing the metal bits they pulled out, splintering the paperboard into evenly sized stakes to hunt vampires. It was the most imaginative and wonderful morning we’ve had in weeks. Thank you for teaching me it’s ok to say yes to that!! As a "boy mom," Katy is not alone. It's so hard for moms of boys to figure out what's OK. We desperately want to raise boys who become decent, respectful men, but we aren't exactly sure if allowing fart jokes at the table will hinder that process. We want our boys to be active, strong and creative, but when they want to take apart furniture or wrestle at the playground, we're not sure if our job is to encourage them or rein them in. And through it all, we feel the weight of other parents' expectations. Learning to live with (and parent) boys is a skill. As Katy discovered, the more you know about boys, the better you can meet their needs -- and the more peaceful and joyful your home will be. In this episode, Janet, Jen & Katy discuss: * The value of free play * The benefits of saying YES * Why you should let your kids use real tools * Parenting "firecracker boys" * How letting go of your expectations can create a happier home * The stupid comments people make when they see an all-boy family * Dealing with judgments from moms of girls * The importance of connecting with other parents of boys * Learning to listen to your instincts Links we mentioned (or should have) in Episode 156: katyranklev.com -- Katy's website (includes lots of links to her articles!) Comments From Strangers Upon Seeing My 3 Sons Out in Public This Week: An Annotated List -- Katy's Brain,Child article Step Lively: When Baby's Cries Are Cries for Help -- Katy's article about discovering her oldest son has autism Episode 102: Disappointments and Helping Boys Deal with Them -- all about Sam getting his 4-wheel license Savage Park - BuildingBoys blog post about a free-range playground in Japan 11 Tips for Surviving -- & Thriving -- With Boys in the House -- Parade article by Jen 4 Ways to Make Your House Movement-Friendly -- article by Jen

Photo by John Mackie via Flickr Nearly 1 in 3 high school seniors tried vaping in the last year.  Middle schoolers are vaping too. According to the Centers for Disease Control, e-cigarette use among middle school students increased by 48% between 2017 and 2018. Now, nearly 5% of middle school students in the United States vape on a regular basis. Kids and teachers alike say that middle and high school students are vaping in the bathroom, in the halls and even in class. Vaping is so prevalent among tweens and teens that the U.S. Surgeon General declared youth vaping an epidemic in late 2018. The makers of e-cigarettes say that their products are intended to help adult smokers quit smoking tobacco cigarettes. Some have questioned the sincerity of that claim, noting that vape pens and juice come in shapes and flavors that appeal to children. The Juul, a common vape device, looks like a USB drive and is so popular among youth that the word "Juuling" is often used to mean "vaping." Juul e-cigarette and vape juice pods The U.S. Food and Drug Administration is preparing to release new rules designed to limit kids' access to vaping products. Among the rules under consideration: * A ban on the sale of flavored e-cigarettes (except menthol and mint flavors) in stores that don't have areas prohibiting children under the age of 18 * New age-verification standards for online stores selling e-cigarettes * Increased enforcement of rules banning e-cigarette marketing toward minors Such rules may limit kids' access to e-cigarettes in the future, but right now, there are a whole lot of teens, tweens and families grappling with the issue of vaping. In this episode, we talk with Renee, a mom of twin teenage boys who vape. As she learned firsthand, it's not easy to help a son who's hooked on vaping. If your child vapes or smokes, visit teen.smokefree.gov for resources to help them quit including the quitSTART app and a text messaging program (Text “Quit” to 47848). In this episode,  Jen, Janet & Renee discuss: * Signs and symptoms of vaping * How to talk to your kids about vaping * Why kids who would never dream of smoking a cigarette are comfortable with e-cigarettes * How to help your kids resist peer pressure, including phrases you can teach your child to use when someone offers an e-cigarette * A possible link between anxiety and vaping * Health risks of vaping * What it's like to help a teen quit vaping * What to do if your son is vaping Links we mentioned (or should have) in Episode 155: Teens and Vaping: 9 Things Parents Need to Know -- article by Jen How to Talk with Your Kids About Vaping -- guide from the Partnership for Drug-Free Kids Electronic Cigarettes (E-Cigarettes) -- basic intro by the National Institute on Drug Abuse

Photo by Russ Allison Loar via Flickr Sweet 16. Here in the United States, age 16 has long been an eagerly anticipated milestone, largely because teens are eligible to get a driver's license at age 16. In the minds of many teens, age 16 = driver's license = increased independence. In the minds of many parents, age 16 = increased insurance costs and anxiety regarding their child's safety. In fact, fewer teens are getting drivers' licenses at age 16. According to an article published on Wired.com, just 71% of high school seniors have a driver's license; that's the lowest percentage in decades. Societal changes account for the decline: the prevalence of ride-sharing services such as Lyft & Uber means that many teens don't need to drive to get from one place to another, and social media now allows teens to socialize without leaving home. Economic challenges are a factor as well: 36% of non-driving teens cite "overall cost" as a contributing issue. Whether your teen gets a driver's license or not age 16 is a big deal. It's a step toward independence, and time to talk about responsible decision making. In this episode, Janet & Jen discuss: * Learning to drive as a rite of passage * The importance of following your son's lead (Some are ready to drive at age 16; some have no desire) * How to tell if your son is ready to drive * How to set limits and guidelines that fit your son * Why parents may not be the best driving instructors for their children * How to talk to kids about the risks & responsibilities of driving (Hint: sharing scary stats does not work.) * How graduated driver's licenses help teens build experience * The role of role-modeling (Don't want your teen to text & drive? Don't text and drive!) * The cost of driving -- how parents & kids can share the expense * Things to consider when purchasing/helping your son purchase a car Links we mentioned (or should have) in Episode 154: How to Intervene When Life Gives Your Grown Son a Lemon -- article mentioned by Jen at about 20:00 Parent-Teen Driving Contract -- template created by the American Academy of Pediatrics and Centers for Disease Control Street Survival driving school -- driving school mentioned by Janet at 10:02 Age 16 & Learning to Let Go - blog post about what happened after Jen's son got his license

Janet & Jen had very different reactions to The New Childhood: Raising Children to Thrive in a Connected World, by author and educator Jordan Shapiro. Jen loved it. Janet has some, uh, questions. And concerns. So, we decided to talk to the author. Jordan was happy to talk with us. He's an assistant professor at Temple University who specializes in game-based learning, digital play and screens. As a senior fellow for the Joan Ganz Cooney Center at Sesame Workshop,  he coordinates research and advocacy around digital technology and playful education. He's also a dad of two boys, ages 11 and 13, so his knowledge of screens and digital play is more than academic. Like all 21st century parents, he grapples with technology and parenting every single day. Our society, he says, is changing. The digital age is here, and interconnected technology is changing everything -- how we work, relate, socialize, play, learn and plan. The pace of change has been fast and furious, and as a result, a lot of adults are feeling overwhelmed and somewhat fearful. But fear of technological and societal shifts won't help us teach our children to use the tools of the digital age in intentional, ethical and moral ways. To effectively parent today's kids -- and prepare them for the future -- we must open our minds, get clear about our values and talk to our kids about their digital engagement. In this episode, Janet, Jen & Jordan discuss: * How parents' fear of screens can disrupt the parent/child relationship & inhibit child development * How our ideas of "healthy behaviors" are based on and influenced by when and where we live * What's really going on when kids are staring at separate screens * Parallel digital play * How screens can lead to connection (vs. disconnection) * How non-techy parents can guide kids through the digital age (hint: it's all about values) * Screens in schools * Reading on screens vs reading text -- pros and cons * Digital note taking vs. hand-written notes -- what does the evidence say? * Whether or not screens and apps are "manipulating" us * How our children internalize our voices and values Links we mentioned (or should have) in Episode 153: https://www.jordanshapiro.org/ -- Jordan's website (includes links to his articles and videos of his talks) The New Childhood: Raising Kids to Thrive in a Connected World -- Jordan's latest book 'The New Childhood' and How Games, Social Media are Good for Kids -- Variety article that brought Jordan's book to Jen's attention Screens and Boys -- On Boys episode 106 iGen - On Boys episode 137 Video Games & Boys (with special guest Greg Wondra) - On Boys episode 108

Happy Anniversary....Happy Birthday .... Any way you slice it - we're thrilled to bring you this special edition of ON BOYS. After a year of conversations - that's well over 50+ hours of talking, laughing, lamenting, and inspiring each other - and hopefully, our listeners - Jen and Janet learn some new and surprising things about each other in this episode ... and daydream about the day when they will FINALLY meet in person! Thank you, dear listeners, for supporting ON BOYS this year -- and for being boy champions! Much love, Janet & Jen

Rosalind Wiseman's work is based on the belief that young people's experiences are important, but often discounted. Adults, she says, frequently give young people advice without listening to them first. Boys often tune out adult's well-meaning messages because we fail to recognize that they are the subject matter experts of their own lives. However, if you respect their experiences and listen to their concerns, boys will work with you. Wiseman says that parents and teachers who want to communicate more effectively with boys should: * Stop freaking out. Don't let anxiety drive your interactions with boys. * Stop making assumptions about boys. Ask, don't lecture. In this episode, Wiseman answers some tough questions from parents, and drops wisdom that's sure to change your approach to (and relationship with) the boys in your life. In this episode,  Janet & Rosalind discuss: * Why most social-emotional learning experiences alienate boys -- and why it's so important to consider boys' needs as we create programs to teach them character development, empathy & kindness * How parents can more effectively listen to boys * Why overwhelming boys with questions is exactly the wrong thing to do * The importance of simply showing affection to your boys (vs. showering them with questions) * How moms' intensity can cause boys to shut up or lash out * The hypocrisy of adults (Boys aren't wrong when they call out adults as hypocritical and unfair!) * The tightrope boys walk: On some level and in some instances, males have privilege and power that amplifies their voices. But in other cases, boys' voices aren't respected. * Why there are no clear-cut answers to parenting dilemmas * The importance of acknowledging the fact that adults sometimes make things worse * How parents and teachers can partner with boys to help them solve tough problems * Why it's so important to listen to and honor teen boys' fear of being falsely accused of sexual assault * How to role-model apologies and healthy conflict resolution * How to cope with boys' anger (Pro tip: Ask him what he needs, and let him walk away) Links we mentioned (or should have) in Episode 151: CulturesofDignity.com - organization founded by Rosalind Wiseman. Works with communities to shift the way we think about young people's physical and emotional well-being Masterminds and Wingmen: Helping Our Boys Cope with Schoolyard Power, Locker-Room Tests, Girlfriends, and the New Rules of Boy World, by Rosalind Wiseman Masterminds & Wingmen -- BuildingBoys' review of Wiseman's book Q & A w Rosalind Wiseman, Author of Masterminds & Wingmen -- 2013 BuildingBoys post Owning Up curriculum -- Wiseman-developed curriculum created in collaboration with children and teens. Designed to help kids deal with bullying, harassment, racism, gossip, media and self-image Creating Culture's of Dignity - Wiseman's speech discussing adult & child/teen perceptions of "respect"