Letters to my kids: A suicide survivor's lessons and advise for life

Stop sweating the small stuff - All of us have our struggles in life as we grow up. This is because we all have a small amount of effort that we can use to combat things that happen. For things that are especially important to us; we worry.  - This is because We can be very narrow and macro-minded when it comes to what we perceive as our problems. Also, this is not helped by the fact that as humans, we are very inward and self-looking. - Despite popular belief and practise, being all-consumed in our struggles is normally counter-productive to being able to overcome and resolve them. This is because, just like in a war; things generally look differently at ground zero than it does from a bird's eye view. - Many of us in life are serial worriers. Because it feels like we're doing something about it; worrying. Like it's some sort of action by which; when we worry about it, we affect a more positive result. - Ultimately, we all have to accept that control is but an illusion. For example, just because you built/purchased a house; doesn't control the price of it. Just because you maintained it; doesn't mean that there will not be problems with the structure.  - Because, ultimately; the key to stop sweating the small stuff, is in letting go. Letting go is controversial, because the whole world tells us that if we let go; we lose everything. Most people equate letting go with bad relationships; which is a separate topic. But it is actually applicable to everything. - The key to this is perspective. Most people tend to compare themselves/things with other people/things; particularly comparisons with other people/things that are BETTER than ourselves. But why is this the case? Why can't we compare ourselves with people whom are worse off than ourselves? The key to basically stop worrying and start letting go; is to be thankful for what you have.  - At the core of this; worrying is about priorities. Do you phase emphasis/value in stressing yourself out over the things that you have no responsibility on?  - Once you've better been able to control this, review and look back. You'll be amazed at what priorities you placed on things that didn't matter.

Failures, failures and more failures; it's not the end of the world "Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts." -Winston Churchill- - When we do things; it either works or it doesn't. Similar to turning on-off the lights, it should be regarded as one of 2 possibilities. In that sense; failure gets a bad reputation as a one-time-shot and done, but really; it's part of everyday challenges.  - In fact, failure is life’s great teacher; it’s nature’s chisel that chips away at all the excess, stripping down egos as it molds and shapes us through divine intentions. - All of us started off wanting to change the world. As young adults, we were all confident and a fair 'bit naive at the thought of doing what other people couldn't or can't. Like we were somehow special or better than our predecessors and the people who came before us.  - Now some of us would be able to weather the challenges. These would be the tests to the conviction of our beliefs. Others would stumble. Most of us would compromise; and adjust our expectations and ourselves accordingly. Just as those whom came before us did.  - When a baby is first learning to walk, she’s going to fall down many times. This, in fact, is failure.  - Talk about some failures in life. Now some of these turned into failures, but what was learnt? At the end of the day, after all the money has been spent, every challenge has an outcome; it will be yourself whom would be the recipient of all the lessons. But what good are lessons if it is not heeded/learnt from? - Failures help us see the relevance of our decisions. And to see things from a different perspective. A failure simply means that the approach used wasn't good enough; or the chosen outcome is not what is perceived.  - To that end, if we apply it correctly; a failure is simply part of a process of eliminating outcomes. If there is an endpoint; and the endpoint is worth it, then in theory, eliminating the other projected outcomes would eventually yield success.  - More so from the failures though; is that we understand and accept that it's OK to fail in life. That none of us truly know the path that we have chosen to undertake, despite our best intentions.  - So what can we learn from failures? That as soon as we accept that for all our confidence, we are not unique; nor are we special, we learn that it is far easier to succeed when you apply a collective knowledge based on the lessons learnt from others, and we would be able to grow much faster than on our reliance on ourselves alone.

An introduction to realistic optimism http://changingminds.org/explanations/preferences/optimism_pessimism.htm The pessimist complains about the wind; the optimist expects it to change; the realist adjusts the sails. -William Arthur Ward- - The world is generally split across optimists whom call themselves "being positive" and pessimists are generally sub-divided into people whom call themselves "realistic" and those whom can be best be politely described as "critical".  - The truth is, that there are bad apples to both sides of the divide. Optimists assume that the best will happen or that they will be luckier than other people. They are hopeful, believing that good things can happen to them. - Pessimists expect the worst. They over-estimate risks, assuming that bad things will happen. Extreme pessimists expect the worst every time. They believe that good things only happen to other people.  - In our previous podcast, we talked about being positive. Now, most people would assume that being positive equates to being optimistic, and pessimism being related to being negative. It's actually not that clear-cut. Positive thinking embraces possibilities and looks for solutions without the assumption that everything will automatically work. - SO what does this all mean to an individual? And why does it have to all be so confusing? - At the end of the day, it's just a label. Our outlook in life generally is shaped by our experiences growing up and as we go through life. - It's all about having a balanced outlook. - For me though, I chose to maintain a truthful; cleared-eye view of life, while keeping some optimism that is grounded and relatable. - In my advocacy for realistic optimism, here are some ways to encourage this viewpoint. Combine a positive attitude with honesty of both the challenges to be faced as well as an honest evaluation of where you are now. Don't have expectations and expect the unexpected. - Don't stress the small stuff. - As mentioned previously; don't take life so seriously. Life's much too short to be humor-less and if you can't laugh at your own self, how would you know what to laugh at in life? To make mistakes is human, to stumble is commonplace; to be able to laugh at yourself is maturity (William Arthur Ward). - More important than all of this though; is to love yourself. No matter what outlook you decide on, embrace yourself for who you are. After all; if you don't love yourself, how can you love other people?

References: https://www.dur.ac.uk/hearingthevoice/ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/compassion-matters/201110/eight-ways-actively-fight- depression - Personal Story - All of us have a critical inner voice in-built into us. Some of us call it our conscience, but some also call it the voice in our head.  - Depression is not a bad mood. It's an internal struggle against a destructive thought that's not very much different from when you're sick and down with the flu. - Suicide due to depressions are just a form of expressing a failed struggle; because suicide is just an action which results in the loss of life.  - At it's core though; depression is an illness of a self-absorbed obsession with all the negativity in ourselves.  - Think of depression like an overbearing, over-critical, annonying close sibling who looks/sounds like you; but channels all the negative emotions and none of the positive ones.  - To manage it however; you need to understand where it comes from.  - Depression can either be experienced as a slow, continual state of sadness or increased painful emotions - Story from my life on my own struggle in my youth to be funny and to be accepted.  - However, just like the overbearing annonying close sibling mentioned earlier; it's convenient to blame the other party whenever it lands you into trouble, but that is merely a diversion to your own responsibility to manage and live with it - Depression is very common. By accepting it as a common illness, it is highly treatable and manageable. For surviving is all about managing it. - Therefore, you should definitely acknowledge it; manage it, and more crucially; the emotions that could cause it in the 1st place. - The most important thing to do in a depression is to tell yourself that you're worth it, that you can get out of it, and ONLY you can do it.  - If you need help, seek for it! There's nothing wrong with needing a little help with life. It doesn't make us any more or any less of a person.

Reference reading: https://hbr.org/2012/09/ten-reasons-people-resist-chang - People generally don't like changes. We all start off at the bottom when we're young, working hard to reach our goals and then; once we're somewhere "remotely" comfortable, we form patterns, get settled in and move into hibernation. And once we've hibernated, god forbid something changes it for us.  - After all, as a human; we are by nature lazy. That doesn't mean we don't work hard. We're more than capable of doing that. And we're even willing to grind ourselves into the ground in order to achieve our goals. But, and here's the thing; we believe that the more we progress, the less "real" effort we need to invest. - We're also very prone to extremes, so this means we can be extremely hardworking and/or extremely lazy. With technology, you can even be both!  - What does this mean though? That our goals tend to be short-sighted and self-gratifying. Earn x amount of $$$ by the age of y. Pay off my house by the age of x. etc. And any deviations to this would result in a reaction from ourselves. - People talk about growing old gracefully; and there is a reason for this. From a life of action and being able to challenge the world, people have to take a step back; and being able to let go of things.  - So, right off the bat; changes will always be there, and we will never be able to avoid it completely. If you're lucky; you'll be able to postpone it, but just like a long-overdue house cleaning; it'll come back with double the interest.  - Therefore, similarly to embracing our challenges, we need to learn to embrace change. - Talk about 2nd suicide and how it was due to change and not being able to cope that triggered it. - 2 important ingredients to help you cope with changes, Perspective. Because looking at it from a negative viewpoint will only be self-defeating and pointless. "Be the change that you wish to see" - The 2nd is optimism and hope, rooted in realism. Do your best and as much as you can, but once done; let it go and expect and plan for the worst. Some may counter that you should aim for the stars and you'll get skies/clouds. I say, why even aim at all? Aiming sets expectations; which breeds disappointment and bitterness WHEN (not if) reality kicks in and you fail.  - To that end, the best thing you can do to combat change is to change as well. Learn and try new things. Especially when things start to get stale and mundane. Sometimes a change of scenery too could help kickstart things as well. - Remember what we talked about failures, it's all about practise, practise and practise. What will be, will be. - After all, life is all about continuous learning, thus nothing is permanent so one should always stay humble and embrace the change.

Challenges: Roughing out in a challenging life - 21st birthday story. - You have to make the best of what you get/have, not wishing/pining for what you don't; and build bitterness due to unfulfilled expectations.  - Attitude is key when facing challenges, because despite everything else, this is actually one of the most important, if not THE most important aspect; and it is definitely controlable by yourself.  - Don't shy away from challenges, instead; start off with small baby steps, for example; learning a new skill. Story of how I learnt cooking to overcome parents' stress - Focus primarily on a particular challenge if possible, or try to ensure a balanced "shared-time" focus on a couple of challenges, being careful not to over-stretch yourself. - Always get a reality check - story of not knowing how to steam properly. And do not be afraid of asking for help if you need to. - Review your results and change your approach. insanity is doing the same thing over again and expecting different results. - Talk about failures. "Failure is the mother of success ". Don't take it personally. - Embrace your challenges, for stalling it will only make matters worse. And why let someone else do it when you have the opportunity to make the most of it.  - No matter how challenging, you should never sacrifice your identity and the people closest to you, because these are the people whom define you and would be able to support you.  - Live without regrets - that means doing things that are scary just to forego the possibility of having even a tinge of regret due to non-action.  - Every day is a fresh start. This means letting go of both previous success as well as previous failures and starting over again. This means forgiving yourself when you make mistakes (which you definitely will); and start over again

- Starts off with a short story talking about 1st suicide and the logo of the podcast (wrist scar). In hindsight, the attempt itself draws laughter whenever I talk about it, and I embrace that; but at that time, both attempts were serious efforts at ending life. - As a two-time suicide survivor, the podcast aims to capture experiences and lessons from a well-lived life for my kids - as a form of an audio hand-me-down trove - In life, advise is like applying and matching differing colors/styles of clothings being worn because there is no one-size-fits-all rule to life. As such, while advise may sometimes border on the realm of hypocrisy by seemingly contradicting each other, it all really depends on the situation and one's perception of it. By the way, my wife disagrees about my taste in fashion. - After all, the more one learns; the more one realizes how little one knows about life. As Albert Einstein once said, "Once you stop learning, you start dying"