The Asterios Feed Where Asterios Puts Things

iTunes: https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-asterios-kokkinos-podcast-factory/id1382951937 Google Play: https://play.google.com/music/m/Ig33j2kx56ov23xhqztdv2emvx4?t=The_Asterios_Kokkinos_Podcast_Factory RSS: http://www.asteriospodcasts.com/feed/ Art: https://twitter.com/geistpolizei Music: https://twitter.com/wauterboi

Porg Chatter #3: Sovereign Porgs by Asterios Kokkinos

When they're not helping kids untangle their spaghetti brain, or getting them more views on YouTube, Asterios and Sriracha are helping mold our future cult leaders. Producer Jesse here! I'd just like to take a moment to thank everyone for submitting so many great (and sometimes horrifying) questions. If you'd like to get in on the fun, visit our submit question page. This episode had a lot of firsts. We received our first voicemail, our first follow-up email, and for the first time in AKAK history, our hosts are given a question about something that they actually have experience handling: clinical depression. “Hey Guys I’m a big fan of the show and I would like you to help me solve a problem. So recently I’ve been seeing everything so negatively and I don’t get why, everyone always asks me what’s wrong and I don’t have any way to answer them because I don’t know. That jumbled mess summarized: how can I see the world more positively?” — Spaghetti , 14 Asterios and Sriracha rattle off solutions like a couple of seasoned experts, before finally returning to topics they don't know all that much about. This next question is about creating funny content with mass appeal. “How can i get more YouTube followers? I make epic YouTube videos but my only followers are related to me.” — Noah, 9 Asterios and Sriracha teach Noah the real trick to success on YouTube. It's not about quality. It's not about originality. It's all about that SEO. Finally, here's a question from a kid who's itching to get an assault charge. “Hey, I'm that 14 year old boy that you refused to fight on your live stream even though I offered you an all expenses paid trip here to the Bronx. But anyways, I need help. I go to a very good high school in downtown NYC where a lot of the smart kids go. Along with this there are a bunch of IEP kids. Even though I was put into this school for my high grades, the school social worker said it'd be better if I'm with kids who have similar social skills. Being one of the only kids in this group who isn't a complete fucking idiot, I'm constantly being tormented and harrassed all day for not being a tard. I'm not allowed to dight these kids because being a foot taller than most, I'd be the first to get suspended in a fight, also I try not to fight tards. What do I do?” — George, 14 Asterios and Sriracha try to steer George away from directly assaulting these kids... and toward... manipulating them into fighting each... Okay look, I want to be able to tell all my friends, "Hey, look at me! I'm working with these funny comedians! Isn't this great?" But now I've gotta wait another month because you told a kid to do Fight Club but with IEP kids. Next time... let's just do one episode that won't give my mother a heart attack. Please? For Producer Jesse? Do you have any advice for these kids? Let us know in the comments! And if you have a question for Asterios and Sriracha, visit the Submit Question page.

0:09 The Simpsons 8:15 Netflix Crossover 14:47 Captain Planet SJW 21:23 Farm→2→Table 29:18 Marital Advice 40:41 Favorite Restaurant 49:01 Fighting Words 54:37 No Text All Voice 1:00:47 Red Letter Media: The Essential Self-Hating Nerds 1:07:18 THE ILLUMINATI 1:13:47 College Major 1:23:23 Life Changing 1:28:28 [Outro]

0:00 [Intro] 1:06 Wolverine's Intervention 7:38 Help Me Lose Weight 13:47 Ocarina of Shitting On Your Mom 19:55 Valentine's Gifts 27:07 Qui Gon's List 32:22 Talk to Girls in Public 47:00 What We Can Get Away With? 53:48 Just Let Them Watch It! 59:13 The Hand I've Been Dealt 1:05:16 Insweetilize? 1:11:05 The Spice Chuncks of Life 1:17:25 [Outro]

How can you possibly come back from calling your teacher "Dad?" What happens when you and your edgelord friends grow up? And what do you do when a girl tells you she likes you, you run away from that girl, an older boy tries to talk to you about it, and you beat the shit out of him? Find out, on this week's episode of ASTERIOS KILLS A KID!

patreon.com/asterios muthafuckaaaaaaa

patreon.com/asterios biiiiiiiihh

Wasp sting your friend? 8th graders steal your snowball? A girl has bigger boobs than you? This episode's all about getting your revenge. This is Producer Jesse welcoming you to another episode of Asterios Kills a Kid! If at any point while listening to the following you think, "Man, I know a kid with problems way more fucked up than this," go find that child, place them in front of a computer, and get them to submit their questions here. The first question this episode is from Hailey, a seven-year-old girl who's out for blood: "Hello, can you help me? Yesterday my friend got stung by a wasp right in the face and her face got all big and red. We know where the nest is and I want to go wreck it, but my mom and dad say not to. Is it wrong to wreck the wasp nest even though one of them stung my friend? What is the best way to wreck it?" — Hailey, 7 Asterios and Sriracha soberly advise Hailey to listen to her parents, who are only looking out for her safety and — oh wait, no, it turns out they recommend becoming a martyr for wasp genocide? HA! Who gave these assholes a podcast? Next up is a girl who's got two very big problems: "I’m 14 and I’m very insecure about my large Breast size. My friends all think it’s great, but it bothers me that I look in the mirror every day to see something that is just uncomfortable and doesn’t even fit my personality or my body. I always see people staring and it really frustrates me. I tell them it’s really annoying but it keeps happening. I told my mom this and she just says I should be happy and feel blessed but I don’t. How am I blessed with something that’s so painful, heavy, and big that I can’t even stand it? No 14 year old should have a DD bra size or have to deal with them and learn to fit into stuff at this age. It’s just not right." — Big Breasts, 14 Sriracha lightheartedly recommends committing suicide, before moving on to her real advice, which is to commit suicide. Asterios, not ready to commit to the show's premise that explicitly, digs deeper. Finally, a tale of heartbreak as old as time itself: "The snow was really packy yesterday so I decided to roll a giant snowball. By the end of the day it was so big I could barely move it. It was awesome! But today when I got to school it was gone. The 8th graders took apart everyone's snow men and stole my snowball to make a giant snow fort. The teachers don't care even though everyone is upset. I want to get back at them but they're scary. I'm only in grade 4. What should I do?" — Snowball, 9 How will David take on Goliath? Well, if he follows Asterios' advice he'll frame Goliath for planning the next Columbine. Or he can follow Sriracha's advice: lead him to believe he got cucked by a 4th grader. --- Do you have any advice for these kids? Let us know in the comments at www.asterioskillsakid.com And if you have a question for Asterios and Sriracha, visit the Submit Question page: https://www.asterioskillsakid.com/submit-question/

Welcome to PORG CHATTER! The world's first and only podcast dedicated entirely to PORGS. In our first amazing episode, we examine Disney's first out-and-proud gay couple, who happen to be PORGS! Here's the proof: https://78.media.tumblr.com/4c370e3b5bf2b2d47d720da74e1a45b7/tumblr_p2ttgo6m2p1v15bzho2_540.gif But for the WHOLE story, you're gonna have to listen...to PORG CHATTER! Hosted by Sriracha, with special guests Whang, Luke Simmons & Asterios Kokkinos.

Holy shit these three weebs will not shut the fuck up about some dumb cartoon where Sailor Moon girls make wishes and become god and then someone steals half of God's power by invading Sailor Moon "valhalla" and becomes the devil. I'm not kidding or exaggerating at all: that is what this show is about. I thought it was called "Mediko Mekaniko" but it's actually called "Madoka Magica" and the girls seem pretty cool but I kinda don't know why we have to have a dark take on Sailor Moon. "Hurrrr durrr what if a kids cartoon was actually not for kids, durrrr, now if you'll excuse me I need to go to EdgelordCon where I'm giving the keynote speech on being a GAME CHANGING ANIME MAN."

Welcome to the very first episode of Asterios Kills a Kid! We've got a site, the sound bits, a sexy thumbnail* – no workflow though! Who's supposed to write these descriptions? I don't know, I'm just the web designer. Ah well, fuck it here I go. In this very first episode of AKAK, Sriracha looks back on her time in girl scouts: particularly on a struggle she had with a girl named Kylie Eickelberg over their troupe crest. I won't tell you how the story ends, but I will say to check back soon for Kylie's phone number and home address. Asterios and Sriracha's first question was from a 13 year old girl. She writes: Hi, I am 13 and now suddenly growing up is a big deal. It has just happened, if you know what I mean. I cry now in my closet hugging my favorite stuffed animals because I just don't want to grow up. The only person I've "talked" to about it is my favorite stuffed animal. I've been playing with ALL my old toys lately, wearing butterfly shirts and watching cartoons. I'd do ANYTHING to be 8 again. Please help me! —Growing Up, 13 If you don't know what DDLG* is, get prepared to immediately repress it. Also, Asterios delivers some good news to everyone out there worrying about growing up: in America, you can stay a child forever. Moving on, Carrie writes: My boyfriend and I have been going for ten llloooooooooonnng months. Recently I've found myself getting irritated with him all the time. He's very clingy, and even though I've talked to him about it, he won't give me space. He liked me for a lot longer than I have liked him and every time he thinks I'm even slightly annoyed with him he feels the need to call me and talk about our feelings. I have been considering breaking up with him for awhile now because I'm just not happy with him any more, but I don't want to regret it later or hurt him because he is very sensitive. —Carrie, 16 Our hosts both agree: get him a super-hobby. And taking on the role of internet historian, Sriracha recounts the sad saga of Chris Chan. Speaking of sad stories, this last boy writes: This year I was pushed forward a grade and now I have no friends in class. I have been trying to make friends, but today at lunch I had a hole in the front of my track pants and "it" flopped out. I was sitting on the floor and the whole class saw. I did not notice until a girl told me. I don't know what to do. I will never make friends now. I tried to convince my mom to home school me and she said no. Help! —Embarrassed, 7 Asterios and Sriracha are divided on how to handle Penis Boy's problem. Asterios shares some elaborate techniques for damage control, while Sriracha's advice is just wait it out and enjoy your smart-kid muffins. If you have a question for Asterios and Sriracha, visit the Submit Question page on www.asterioskillsakid.com. * Absolutely NOT pedophilia.

Enjoy! To watch the video, check out youtube.com/asterios

Enjoy! To watch the video, check out youtube.com/asterios

*seventeen hour long fart sound effect*