Porn Free Radio

This episode we are joined by Luke Gilkerson, Internet Community Manager for Covenant Eyes. Luke is perhaps the most prolific blogger on the subject of porn and recovery on the internet with 1500+ posts. In this episode, we start off talking about the relationship between technology and porn. We end by discussing the key elements of quality accountability relationships in overcoming porn addiction. In my last 13 years of porn addiction recovery I have been called by dozens of guys. The conversation always starts like this, Do you know some software for x operating system or for this device? It seems more and more guys are identifying their struggle with porn as a technology problem. In this episode you’ll find out about: * How porn is a technology problem, but it’s also relational and spiritual. * How taking the first step with getting some technology help is the easy step. * How we were created as human beings to be together. * The definition of accountability and what it is not. * The case for accountability to a be a lifestyle, not a last resort. * Why you don’t graduate from accountability and the need for others. * What the online disinhibition effect is. * The background of Covenant Eyes. * The connection between software accountability and meaningful relationships. 2 Key Elements of Quality Accountability Relationships 1. Real Friendship A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity. (Proverbs 17:17 ESV) * A sense of comradery * True friend through thick and thin * With us in adversity 2. Wisdom The purpose in a man’s heart is like deep water, but a man of understanding will draw it out. (Proverbs 20:5 ESV) * We cannot see to bottom of our own hearts * We need wisdom * “A man of wisdom is able to go the bottom of someone else’s heart and draw up the things that are really going on, the real motivations.” Accountability needs both of those elements. You need to have a genuine connection, friendship,a sense of togetherness and brotherhood combined with wisdom. A wisdom where this person can actually get to the root of us. They can help us see what we can’t see in ourselves. We are never truly free until we are free to be in vulnerable, true, face-to-face relationships with other people. Start With What You Have 1. Is there a person in your life who you would consider a true spiritual brother (or if you’re a woman, a sister)? * Get together and ramp up your relationship in the wisdom department * Get good books about how to get to the heart of things * Find teachings and other resources you can discuss * Partner together to be experts in one another’s heart 2. Is there someone in your life who is wise who can see to the core of you? Maybe an older person in your life. * Build up your relationship in the friendship department * Go over to their house for dinner * Get to know their family * Hang out together * Do things to build solidarity and friendship And If you don’t have any one in your life like either of those things, it shows how isolated you are. It’s time to get into communities where you can do that. This is not a one-time thing. You need to develop a lifestyle of creating these relationships. Sometimes you have friends for a season or you move and have to start over. But you still need accountability and you need to work at c...

The water cooler talk lately seems to be a lot about the HBO show “Game of Thrones.” The popular TV-MA show with nudity, illicit sexuality and even rape has us asking the question is this okay to watch? This is not new. Whether it’s HBO shows or Academy Award nominated movies there are some things in popular media that can easily lead us back to porn. In this episode, we talk about the four pitfalls with popular media that can lead us right back to porn if we are not careful. Four Pitfalls 1. I can handle this. * This pitfall is denial mixed with pride * If you could handle this you probably would have no need for this podcast * It’s mature to acknowledge weakness 2. Others can watch this, why can’t I? * This pitfall comes from a place of self-pity * It’s passive * We mistakenly compare ourselves to others * Remember you are steward of you 3. I should be able to watch this, it’s popular. * This is an entitlement pitfall * Because something is popular we want to be included * We want indulge ourselves * We flirt with the myth of moderation 4. When I recover enough, this will be okay for me. * This a passive fantasy * The goal is to live pornfree, not to live on the edge of porn and keep slipping every few weeks * You are setting boundaries and making choices that will help you overcome in the long run, not constantly figuring out exactly where the edge is * Constantly re-assessing where the edge is exhausting Tough Love If this episode has you questioning a show or something you are watching that not good for you here’s some tough love: * This will never be okay for you * If this works you will get more sensitive not less sensitive * When you really give it up, you will not miss it * Don’t start watching “Game of Thrones” (NOT RECOMMENDED) Transcript: Click Here to Download the Transcript for Episode 010 (PDF) Thanks for all your ratings and reviews in iTunes. If you haven’t had a chance yet please rate it and review at iTunes because that helps get the word out. I realize this is a porn-themed podcast, so if you don’t want to leave a public review that’s okay just leave a rating. Also tell a friend who might benefit from it.

There is one key in your recovery that is the foundation for living the rest of your life pornfree. Hint: it’s not your days sober or how perfect you are. It’s your form. In this episode, I talk about running and how it applies to our recovery. “A solid foundation in good running technique will provide the necessary support for all that comes later. Your form is the base of the pyramid upon which increased distance, and then speed will be supported. In short, your pyramid will be only as solid as the base upon which it’s built. – Danny Dreyer, ChiRunning (2004) Running Pyramid Form is the foundation for us. It’s the things we do that keep us on track and keep us focused on our pornfree goal. Distance is our endurance. Our ability to endure and run longer with less setbacks. Speed is the ease and efficiency that we live this habit. It’s a success that comes after much training. All too often we are looking for the quick fix. We want a immediate solution or piece of software that will eliminate our problem. Some of us even thought marriage or that perfect relationship would “fix” us. We want to skip training and cut right to #winning. Sometimes we get hung up on endurance. Like it’s all about the days. We think if we get to 90 days by any means necessary than we will have something. But chasing chips and days is meaningless if you aren’t developing good habits. It’s not sustainable to white-knuckle this for the rest of your life. Which brings us back to form. The little things we do day and day out to make real change. What Does Good Form Look Like? Good form is the things we have been talking about: * Setting Consequences (Episode 004) * Planning Ahead (Episode 005) * Getting Filters and Safeguards in Place (Episode 003) * Connecting with Others (Episode 001) It’s not just one fix. It’s a holistic approach to this problem. There are many things that you can add to your plan to keep your form up. Other Examples: * Making Calls * Exercise * Accountability Relationships or a Group * Hobbies * Reading Signs of Fatigue Temptation or a strong draw to the old habits. When you get tired or are burning out: * Shorten your stride (take smaller steps, slow down) * Eliminate things that are adding pressure or stress (keep focused on this habit) * Reset your posture * Practice self-care Troubleshooting After a Failure * What went wrong? How did you lose your form? * Were you going too fast or pushing? * Did you give into “all or nothing” kind of thinking?

Father’s Day 2014. In this bonus episode, I discuss Reddit feedback from last week’s episode, 007  What My Dad Didn’t Tell Me About Porn. At the end of the episode, I recommend taking the Father’s Day Pledge from the guys at xxxchurch.com. I took it this week. Here’s what you get: * Touchy Subjects Book – A How To guide to talk to your kids about sex, tech and social media. * A Video from Craig Gross on How to talk to your kids about sex. * FREE Resources for you to stay sexually pure so you can set a great example for your kids. HAPPY FATHER’S DAY!!! Thanks for all your ratings and reviews in iTunes. If you haven’t had a chance yet please rate it and review at iTunes because that helps get the word out. I realize this is a porn-themed podcast, so if you don’t want to leave a public review that’s okay just leave a rating. Also tell a friend who might benefit from it.  

This week is Father’s day and it got me to thinking about my dad. My dad was a loving father who modeled integrity and humility. However he was silent on the issue of sexuality and pornography. My dad struggled to talk with me about the issue of porn even as an adult. So you can imagine how alone I felt has a teenager and young man as I got swallowed up in the addiction. Writer and priest, Henri Nouwen, referred to the current generation as… * Preoccupied with self, inwardness * Fatherless * Convulsiveness (reactionary, violent, taking thing in to one’s own hands.)The Wounded Healer by Henri Nouwen As those who struggle with porn addiction these characteristics are so true. We are prone to self preoccupation with porn and masturbation. We cultivate an inwardness withdrawing from others into fantasy. We are marked by being fatherless. We are lost boys trying to figure things out without a standard or role models. We have become convulsive and reactionary. When we are stressed or anxious we take things into our own hands. We do not need others. We have become masters of self-soothing and medicating our pain with addiction. What We Needed Growing Up From Dad  * We needed Dad to engage us and convey are worth, that we are lovable * We needed Dad to communicate our boundaries and limits * We needed his protection * We needed his good authority * We needed him to model healthy relating with mom It is an offering (better late than never) of that parent-child bond that tells the fatherless that they’re lovable.–Gregory Boyle, Tattoos on the Heart (p. 91) What We Got * Dad was not near enough to make a difference * Passivity, Silence * Physical Absence * Misuse of presence or authority (abuse) * A poor model of manhood * Sexual Irresponsibility What was I to do as a dad in such a place of unknowing? What My Dad Didn’t Tell Me About Porn * That I’m not the only one * That it’s dangerous * That it doesn’t ultimately meet the need your looking for * That it can and should be avoided * That it damages healthy sexuality Most importantly that it is not shameful to talk about it. It should be something talked about openly. It something you can always ask for help with. I mention at the end of the show that my dad read an article I wrote. It was originally titled “Destroying My Modem.” You can find the whole article under a new title, see Breaking Porn Addiction. For Current Dad’s Here are some helpful resources from Covenant Eyes: * 5 Sure-Fire Ways to Motivate Your Child to Use Pornography * Tips for Talking To Your Kids About Porn * 5 Mistakes Parents Make When It Comes to Talking About Porn *

Life is not all about defensive strategies around porn addiction.  In this episode, I share about 5 benefits from going pornfree AKA the Good Stuff. Now defensive strategies are important in overcoming porn and we need as much help as we can get. We need good structures in our life to support our goals. I love this proverb: A man without self-control is like a city broken into and left without walls. (Proverbs 25:28 ESV) But if all we have is a set of rules, then we are not really living. I shared a story about my friend John who is nearing 15 years of sobriety this year. He was sharing once to a group about everything he does to keep himself on the right track and from stumbling and someone asked him if he enjoyed his life or had any fun. He said that he did (after we all laughed.) Then on the dry erase board he drew a tiny little curve around one of the corners. then he said that the our culture would have us believe that all we can enjoy if we choose to live this way, I will get is whatever fits in that tiny little corner. We miss out on everything else (the rest of the board.) In reality, it’s the other way around. As we live in our addiction we are cut off from the rest of life and live in the little corner. When we put the proper boundary on porn and our addictions, we get access to rest of life (the big part of the board.) The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; surely I have a delightful inheritance.”  Psalm 16:6 (NIV) As we create a good structure and set up boundary lines it starts to keep in the good inheritance. We are able to experience good things and retain them. 5 Benefits of Living Pornfree (AKA The Good Stuff) * Free to live without shame * Same on the inside as on the outside (people know the real me) * Deeper relationships (with men and women) * Able to Help Others * Leadership “We are all in the process of becoming. We have already moved from what we were to what we are, and we are now moving toward what we shall be. The perturbing thought is not that we are becoming, but what we are becoming; not that we are moving; but toward what we are moving. We are becoming what we love. Loving wrong objects is fatal… It is only as we love right objects that we become right.” — A.W. Tozer, from the chapter “We Are Becoming What We Love” from God Tells the Man Who Cares It’s easy to spend a lot of energy thinking about moving away from porn or fap (masturbation) and forget what we are moving towards. What are you moving towards? You are not stuck. You are moving. We are becoming what we love. Set your sites on what is right. If this is helpful to you please rate it  and review at iTunes because that helps get the word out. I realize this is a porn-themed podcast, so if you don’t want to leave a public review that’s okay just leave a rating. Also tell a friend who might benefit from it. Matt

Staying pornfree while traveling doesn’t happen by accident. It takes work. In this episode I give some of my best tips for travel and hotels. I also walk you through T-UP, a planning exercise, I go through before each trip. Hotel Tips for Staying Pornfree * No TV * Smartphone in bathroom * Do not use the internet in the room * Lock computer in rental car * Avoid long unaccountable time in your room * Bring a real book More Safe Travel Tips (especially to support NoFap) * Limit alcohol use * Set a bed time where you will be in bed lights out * Set morning exercise goal * Text or check in with someone at home daily * Don’t give into the lie that nobody sees me, so nobody loves me * Find meaningful ways to connect with others while traveling * Boundary: no 1-1 in hotel room with other people * Make a travel plan and share with those keeping you accountable (see below) Making  T–UP Plan (courtesy of my friend John) * Take a piece of paper length wise. * With a pen divide into three columns. * Label them T – U – P T is for Triggers List all possible triggers on the trip. Examples: * Being Alone * Family * Cable TV/Spectravision * Drinking Alcohol * Vegas, tradeshows, environment * Staying out late U is for Unsafe Places List all unsafe places. These are places or things you cannot go to. Examples: * Unfiltered Internet * Strip Clubs * Bars * Going out with you old high school friends * Smartphone in bed P is for Plan This is what you are going to commit to while traveling. * List things that you can do to limit access to triggers * List some positive goals you will set for the trip that you will commit to doing * Set a consequence for the trip (listen to Episode 004.) So before your next trip make a plan. If not you will most likely have a reset. Thanks for the comments this past week. You can reach me on  Twitter and Google+. On Reddit, I am PornfreeMattD. If this is helpful to you please leave a review at iTunes because that helps get the word out. I realize this is a porn-themed podcast, so if you don’t want to leave a public review that’s okay. But tell a friend who might benefit from it. Thanks! – Matt

On this episode, we talk about the biggest mistake people make when quitting porn. I also share how I once spent $250/min to look at porn. The biggest mistake people make when quitting porn is not setting any consequences for a reset. A consequence is a simple thing you determine ahead time that you will commit to doing if you have a reset. (A reset is when you have a failure or cross a bottom line with pornography or masturbation and have to reset your day counter to zero.) Consequences I have done in the past: * Did the dishes and cleaned the kitchen 30 days in a row * 30 days without coffee (Starbucks) * No TV for 30 days * Got up with the baby 30 days in a row I know these may seem punitive, but I needed that kind of feedback when I was starting out. Like a speeding ticket, a consequence, is a reminder of boundary that was crossed. Benefits of Setting a Consequence * Reinforces the boundary you set for yourself * It shows your wife, girlfriend, or accountability partner that you are taking this seriously * It gets you in the habit of analyzing what went wrong. (Where did I get triggered? Why did I choose to blow past my boundaries?) * Each day you follow through on the consequence you get to think about it * Keep in mind this penance act is not the source of our forgiveness * It helps the reset be more meaningful Choosing a Consequence * It should be somewhat painful * There should be some cost (time, money, giving something up) * It should be something that can be implemented immediately * I like a consequence that has a time period (30 days) * It can be positive: checking in each day with a partner, making calls, men’s group Take Action * Take some time right now and think about a consequence you could set this week (It should scare you a little) * Set it and make it so you can’t wiggle out of it * Tell you wife or accountability partner * Explain what will happen if you reset * If there is a way for them to help you follow through ask for their help ahead of time After a Reset * Check in and come clean with those in your life who are supporting you * Implement the consequence * Keep going until the consequence is fully complete, then set a new one As you get good at setting consequences (and following through) your stretches will be longer. Every time you reset you have an opportunity to learn what works for you and make the necessary changes to your plan. If you’re still resetting a lot raise the stakes. I mentioned at the end of the episode about going to a 3-day intensive for sex addiction in Colorado. Click here for the details. Thanks for the comments this past week. You can reach me on  Twitter and Google+. On Reddit, I am PornfreeMattD. If this is helpful to you please rate it  and review at iTunes because that helps get the word out. I realize this is a porn-themed podcast, so if you don’t want to leave a public review that’s okay just leave a rating. Also tell a friend who might benefit from it. Thanks! – Matt UPDATE:  The day after this podcast was recorded I got a $100 ticket for speeding in the photo enforced area I mentioned in the podcast. Ouch. But I have totally changed my driving habits now when I go through the park.  

In Episode 3, we talk about dumb smartphones, Master Locks, and other stories about limiting access to porn. Little things can go a big way in breaking your addiction to porn. Doing what it takes to get pornfree takes sacrifice. This week, I told about the best internet filter I ever had. A Master Lock and double hinge hasp on my office computer cabinet. It lasted 2.5 years without a single breach. Now that solution worked in 2001 but we need to come up with some other ideas. The first thing you need to do is “Know Your Enemy.”  Hint: the enemy is you. You are the best person to determine where there are weaknesses in your life are with porn. Is it your work laptop, your XBOX One, your PS4, iPad, your smartphone, or something else? Here’s a short list of ideas in the episode: * Set parental controls or child locks on all your devices. Working with your wife, roommate, or a trusted friend have them set a password for your device and then you pick what should be turned off. * On the TV, block MA programming and any channels that are unsafe for you. * On the XBOX, Wii, PS4, block Internet, Netflix, YouTube, Amazon Prime etc. * On your smartphone block everything you need to keep safe. There is no shame in having a dumb smartphone. * On your home computers here are some suggested filters:  Covenant Eyes (Accountability and Filtering),  K9 Web Protection, and Safe Eyes (SafeEyes was acquired by McAfee. Not sure what the current offering is.) * To filter your home network, I recommend OpenDNS. May require a router if your cable service does not allow changing your DNS. * If you need a router I have had good luck with ASUS. Try ASUS Dual-Band 3 x 3 AC1750 Wi-Fi 4-Port Gigabit Router. * Pro tip: if you’re having trouble with your work computer ask your boss or IT admin for a filter (or enterprise filter.) Remember a filter is like a fence that has a No Trespassing sign on it. It’s a reminder of the boundary that you should not cross. It is not a wall with a moat behind it. Other ideas from this podcast: * Consider creating time boundaries for internet use. Either limit the amount of time online a day or hours of the day that are safe for you. * Some filters like OpenDNS can turn off the internet from 10PM-6AM if you want. * Look to eliminate mindless surfing on TV, Internet, and Social Media. Instead time shift good shows with your DVR, subscribe to podcasts, or safe blog feeds. * I also have had good luck with the Kindle and Kindle Paperwhite (the black and white ones) instead of an iPad or Kindle Fire. Burn the boats! Don’t leave any backdoors open. UPDATE: Since I posted this episode, I became a Covenant Eyes affiliate. If you sign up through this link or the banner below you will get 30 days free.  

Continuing the conversation about coming clean about pornography addiction. In this episode, we talk about some of the emotional benefits we experience when we are honest with safe people in our lives. For me underneath the habit loop of a pornography addiction was a powerful mistaken belief that I was unlovable. This week consider what may be the mistaken beliefs or lies you have believed about yourself that have added to your addiction. The good news is as we practice being honest and open with others they can give us feedback about our beliefs. Also as we come out from hiding we are able to receive more from others in our true self. This episode featured a clip of Audrey Assad: Audrey Assad is a talented singer/songwriter. I really appreciate her transparency and have been listening to her on Spotify this past week. Her EP, Death, Be Not Proud was released May 20th and here is the iTunes link: https://itunes.apple.com/us/album/death-be-not-proud-ep/id859289156. Transcript: Click Here to Download the Transcript for Episode 002 (PDF)  

Your first step to healing is coming clean about your problem with pornography and masturbation. What can you do this week to come clean? Here’s some actions you can take: Take a risk and tell someone what’s going on with you. Be concrete about what you are sharing. You don’t have to be graphic but you should mention pornography and masturbation. Share the frequency and don’t minimize or try to hide. Who could you tell? * Wife * Friend * Co-worker * Your parents or a sibling * Pastor Your goal is be honest with yourself and others. Even if they don’t have the best response. This is practice for you in learning to be honest on a ongoing basis. If you have been working at dealing with pornography and masturbation for a while, take this week to get current with some people in your life. Bring them up to date with how your doing. You may have not acted out this week but is there anything else you need to get current with. Examples: * Edging (Google searches, cruising on social media, tv watching that is unsafe, etc.) * Fantasy * Sexualizing People Online Resources where you can check in an get support: * Reddit pornfree  * Reddit nofap * Reddit NoFapChristians * If Reddit is not safe for you, join http://www.nofap.org/ “Anything worth doing is worth doing badly.” –G.K. Chesterton A final thought about perfectionism. We sometimes have a thought that if I can’t do this perfectly, it’s not worth it. But getting free from porn and porn addiction is worth doing even if we have to look messy. Transcript: Click Here to Download the Transcript for Episode 001 (PDF)