Messy Parenting: Catholic conversations on marriage and family

Every single person has a different perspective when looking at the same thing. How many times in our marriage do we come into conflict with our spouse over things that are not moral issues, just differences in opinion? It happens pretty often especially when you are first starting out and beginning your family. In this podcast we help you to see that those differences are actually gifts. We just need to figure out how to discuss our differences in a productive way. Many of our examples for this podcast come from listener emails that we felt were important to respond to.

You can’t put your head in the sand. If you don’t bring up tough issues with your child, they are going to encounter them, but from the perspective of someone else. When do you bring up sticky issues with your kids? It’s so hard to know when and if you should discuss things like terrorism, abortion, or where babies come from. Kids bring up topics at the most inconvenient times! Plus, life is messy and as much as we would like to keep our children innocent forever, that is just not possible. In this podcast, we share some of our experiences and give some guidelines on how we have handled these issues with our kids. Listen in and let the conversation begin. Conversation Questions: * How will we protect our child’s innocence? * What issues are on the horizon for our family? * What’s our response as parents to these issues?

Community is a sign that love is possible in a materialistic world where people so often either ignore or fight each other. It is a sign that we don’t need a lot of money to be happy – in fact, the opposite. ~ Jean Vanier (Founder of L’Arche) Relationships are a complicated thing, but somehow we can’t live without them. Just as it is not good for man to be alone, it is also not good for a family to be alone. We are created to live in community. How do we do this when our lifestyles tend to isolation? How do you find community with people who share your values? How do you create community where there is none? In this podcast we share some experiences and ideas of how to form meaningful relationships with other people and why this is vital to the health of Catholic families.

Being a working mom is not easy – you have to be willing to screw up at every level. ~Jami Gertz The phrase “working mother” is redundant. First, let’s be clear – deciding if mom should work outside the home is not a moral issue. It is a personal decision made by couples in light of their priorities. In this day and age, most mothers have to work at some point. Some moms have home businesses, some work part-time, some work full time, some are able to not work at all. No matter what, the employment decision is a difficult one for families. In our family, Alicia has worked part time and full time so we have had to wrestle with many of these issues. Here are some questions for couples to discuss: Do we appreciate the role of a mom and how she contributes to the household by the work she is doing at home? How are we balancing the needs of our children with the financial needs of our family? If mom is working, what is our financial plan? We also responded to a listener question about having more children when mom has to work in order to keep the family afloat.

“The Lord gave me this challenging child for a purpose. He wants me to mold and shape this youngster and prepare him or her for a life of service to Him.” ― James C. Dobson This episode is really meant for parents of little kids. Kids who push other kids because they actually like them, but don’t know how to play with anyone because they are only 3 yrs old! The reactions of our society to aggressive kids (usually boys) range from disbelieving shock (“How could that child DO such a thing?”) to indifference (“He is just going through a stage”) but neither response is really the right one. Little guys are just raw personality and it is amazing! But that little personality needs to be formed and trained by their parents – and yes, that means you. It can be truly embarrassing to have an aggressive child, but get used to it, because your child is just beginning his work of embarrassing you! We also have some advice for kids at the other end of the spectrum – those who get picked on and pushed over. They too need to learn the right way to respond that will not teach them to be a doormat, which is not what we want our children to be. We also respond to a listener question from MP044 Criticizing your husband.

Disrespect rarely motivates a man. When we judge or criticize another person, it says nothing about that person it merely says something about our own need to be critical. Which statement to you agree with more – “I don’t know how I could live without him”, or “I don’t know how he could live without me”? Do we treat our husbands like a child? Do we criticize our husbands in public or to friends? Criticism doesn’t achieve the change women are looking for — ever. Attacking the need to be respected a sure way to put your marriage on the road to danger. How can wives speak to their husbands respectfully? How can husbands and wives work as a team to improve their marriage and their lives?

“I have this problem with low self-esteem, which is really ridiculous when you consider how amazing I am.” ~ the modern child Raising confident children is the obsession of many parents today. Cries of “Good job!” “You can do it!” “You are awesome!” can be heard in playgrounds, sporting events, and auditoriums all over the country. Is this really how we should ground our children and help them to be the best they can be? The key to self-esteem is not what you do, but who you are. Who are you? You are a child of God, created in His image. Listen in as we delve into this topic and explore how we can communicate to our children true confidence based in reality. Conversations starter questions: * What activities can I do to help give my child confidence? * How do I build my teens identity as a child of God? * Where does my identity come from? In my accomplishments or in who I am?

‘Spend’ your time on paper before you ‘spend’ it in reality “How do you do it?” People ask us this question all the time, so we finally decided to answer it, at least in part. In this podcast, we share why a routine is important and why families should budget their time, just as they budget their money. How do you make up this “budget”? Decide what your values are then they should be evidenced in your routine. As usual, we give some principles, and then some specifics on how to make a routine for your family that reflects your values and ideals. Discussion Questions: * What is our routine? Do we have a routine? * Does it align with our values? * What do we want to change about it? Other podcast referenced: * Chores * Family Board Meeting * Family Dinners

…I promise to be true to you in good times and bad, in sickness and in health. I will love you and honor you all the days of my life. ~ wedding vows A wedding is a day, a marriage is a lifetime ~ Engaged Encounter slogan Our wedding was a day to remember for many reasons. First of all, we both married our best friend and began the greatest adventure of our lives. Also, it was a complete disaster by wedding standards. An ice storm in Philadelphia caused power outages, hazardous driving conditions, and canceled plans for many of our guests. In this podcast, we share our story so all of you can feel great about your weddings, even if they didn’t go as planned!

“Am I not here, I, who am your mother? Are you not under my shadow and protection? Am I not the source of your joy? Are you not in the hollow of my mantle, in the crossing of my arms? Do you need anything more? Let nothing else worry you, disturb you.” ~Our Lady of Guadalupe to Juan Diego The Virgin Mary is not only a model and intercessor for us to Jesus, but she is also our Mother. She is the crown of God’s creation and a great gift to us from the Father. Who is this woman? Why is she so special? Why should we introduce our children to her? In this podcast we answer these questions while sharing our own experiences and thoughts on this amazing woman. Resources: * What is Marian Consecration? (3 minute video) * Divine Mercy and Mary (1 hour video from EWTN show) * Best book >> 33 Days to Morning Glory * Consecrating a child to the Blessed Virgin Mary (prayer)  

Do or do not… there is no try. – Yoda Failing to plan is planning to fail. – Ben Franklin Your family is your own little corporation and you are president of the board. Well, maybe not exactly, but you and your spouse are the partners in running your home, and how can you do that effectively without a plan? Once a year it’s a good idea to get away, dream a little and make a plan. A Family Board Meeting isn’t about success or failure; it’s about being unified as a couple in your vision and goals for your family. Links: • Family Board Meeting post @ www.realhonestliving.com • Three Questions for a Frantic Family by Patrick Lencioni • Michael Hyatt — Beginner’s Guide to Goal Setting • Family Mission and Vision (Stephen Covey) via Art of Manliness

“Musical nourishment which is ‘rich in vitamins’ is essential for children.” ~Zoltan Kodaly, music educator Music is a moral law. It gives soul to the universe, wings to the mind, flight to the imagination, and charm and gaiety to life and to everything. ~Plato Music is a powerful tool, a vehicle for ideas, emotions, and stimulation that is absolutely unique. As parents, we need to train our children to recognize music that is good and music that is not worth listening to. By exposing our children to lots of different types of music we can help them to make judgments and choose what is good. We can’t underestimate the importance of music in our culture and in our home.

“If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother. “ – Matt 18: 15 “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness” – 2 Cor 12:9 As a married person, we have a duty, a solemn obligation to help to get our spouse to heaven. Sometimes that happens because we can be a cross for our spouse ☺, but sometimes we need to help our beloved by pointing out things in their lives that need to change in order for them to grow in virtue. This is more than just a difference in values – most of those are not a moral issues – this correction is regarding sinful patterns of behavior or vices that need to be rooted out. How do we do this? How do we know when to speak up and when to just pray or be silent? How do we get the courage needed to have this conversation with love?

“A lovely thing about Christmas is that it’s compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together.” – Garrison Keillor “The light shines in the darkness and the darkness has not overcome it.” John 1:5 Thanksgiving and Christmas are times of great joy and celebration, but can also be times of unprecedented stress and conflict. Buying gifts, traveling to see extended family, keeping traditions, are all important aspects of the holidays. How do Catholic families enjoy this while also keeping Christ as the center of our holidays? How do we love our families while we are striving to keep the peace and make everything perfect for our kids? Listen in as we discuss these challenges and ways that we have dealt with them in our household. More on this at the Visiting Family podcast Some Advent ideas: 9 Things to do to make a more meaningful Advent #ShareJesus and Dynamic Catholic

“With great power comes great responsibility” ~ Ben Parker (Spiderman’s Uncle) As Catholics, we have a great blessing in the clarity and beauty of the Church’s teaching on contraception. Using the natural rhythms of a woman’s cycle to regulate birth is a way that couples use the reason of science as they are informed by the light of Faith. NFP is a gift, but it’s also a challenge! It’s hard to deny our bodies when our culture is telling us that we deserve every comfort as well as instant gratification.  In this podcast, we talk about the gift of NFP, but also the reality of the cross of denying ourselves. Listen in and tell us what you think! Link and Resources: * Humanae Vitae * Dr. Janet Smith * Couple to Couple League * NaProTechnology (Creighton Model of NFP) * USCCB on Natural Family Planning * Theology of the Body Institute