Stinker Madness - The Bad Movie Podcast

It's bonkers-bad, sure. It's basically kitty version of Logan's Run, sure. It's got a cat-orgy scene, sure. It looks like crap, sure. But what the heck is the difference between this and the stage play? What did you people think was gonna happen here? Also Tay-Tay blows ass here. Guys, it's just Cats. The stage play IS this bad. It's all crap. If you hate the movie and love the play, then put your head in a microwave if you can pull it out of your own ass. What did you want here? In fact, you should LOVE the movie because it's even MORE of the crap that you love from the play. Get the hell out of here. Now for the rest of us, that weren't dropped as a baby. This is some real terrible film-making and likely an intentional tax loss. There's no way anyone that has ever worked a day before in the industry believed in this turd. That's not to say no one did a good job here. Francesa Hayward is absolutely brilliant but is strapped down (maybe in more ways than one) and surrounded by ineptitude so it's hard to notice what she's doing. You may also be distracted by her cat butt. There I said it. I'll take the bullet here. Cats is intentionally hot sexy business. If it wasn't then why the hell are they marching a bunch of naked crotches out? Why is there a cat orgy? Why is Sir Ian Mckellan wearing clothes but Idris Elba is not? Same for Dame Judi and not Tay-Tay? This is hot furies business and I promise you someone is going to jail after being caught in the theater with a little too much alone time. At the end of it all, should you check it out? Yes - but wait for streaming. It can be a great theater experience - it was for 2 of us but the last person had such a miserable time that it's just too risky for you. Save it and wait until it's free for you to access.

MERRY GARBAGE DAY! Eric Freeman earns his mark in the Stinker hall of fame in his eyebrow-tastic take on the Santa-obsessed killer maniac. If you can get past seeing SNDN 1 as well, you're in for a wild, holly-jolly horror film. Let's be frank, there's not enough good crap in Silent Night, Deadly Night 2 to make it a cult hit on its own. It's the combination of the masterful Eric Freeman and Ricky's insane rampage that makes the rest of the film not matter and send it into many, many fan favorite "Christmas" cult classics. Eric's performance stands among titans and belongs among the elites of Tommy and Connie Young. It's beautiful. If the entire movie had just been Ricky and Doc Henry locked in a room slinging their bonkers egos around for an hour and a half would have worked for us as well. Instead the first 40 minutes is mostly just a recap of the first movie, but told in such a poorly thought-out manner that it carries you through to when the Story of Ricky begins. Once that happens the rails completely come off and expect a Miami Connectionesque shift in tempo of the film. Without a doubt, if we'd been given just the Story of Ricky for the entire length of the film, this would be a Hall of Fame worthy masterpiece. While we didn't get that Christmas wish Silent Night, Deadly Night 2 is an absolute blast and a total do for us. Enjoy your Garbage Day!

Boardroom Santa! Ever been really into the business of Santa? Have a passion for Operations Management? Got a degree in holly jolly marketing? Wear a tie with your pajamas? Well this movie is for you! Just not for anyone else. For the rest of us Santa Claus: The Movie is about as interesting as a government made educational training video. Its just painfully boring. "Santa has a meeting with Jeff and Susie from accounting! Oh boy would I like to see that!" he said sarcastically. "The elves meet in the conference room for a call with the supply department! Wowee!!!!" he said while shoving his head in trash. The antagonist (John Lithgow) seriously doesn't show up until the 60% completion mark which makes the first hour and fifteen minutes completely devoid of plot and then we he DOES show up it's a series of groan-inducing jokes and Santa being a mopey butthole because apparently he's the only one that can give toys to children for free. Lastly, this film does an excellent job of showcasing what an awful person Santa (this version - not Santa in general you people about to accuse me of a war on Christmas) is. He is content to give starving children wooden toys instead of maybe food, or a home, or curing their diseases or stopping dictators from murdering their family or shoes even. Nope wooden toys is the only thing that children want - according to Santa. "Wait, they want things that aren't wooden toys?" Santa says at some point (paraphrasing). "But...but...then no one loves me! Boooo hooo hooo hoo" Ugh. You suck Santa. Santa Claus: The Movie is only for people who care only for the pageantry of Christmas and not at all about the meaning of Christmas. It stinks!

Good ol' Terry Hogan becomes Santa the Vigilante and fights a group of scientists who want to demolish an orphanage and then proceeds to do all the demolishing for them. Good job, Santa! Santa with Muscles is bottom 100 material yet it's surprisingly fun. However, I can't really tell you why. At no point is anything so bad that its good. The action is all kind of meh, the set pieces are all underdeveloped, the villains never really enter the realm of over-the-top hammy. It's ALL super stupid but there's just something kind of nice about the whole viewing experience. It's just a weird little piece of garbage that's a "do" but can't really be explained. The one thing we can say about it that doesn't fail is that's actually a Christmas movie. Most of them that we deal with end up having no Christmas message and just take place during Christmas for the sake of selling DVDs. Santa with Muscles is CHOCK full of Christmas. Arguably it's the most full of Christmas of any movie we've reviewed. Perhaps that's why it works. You can't really define what the true meaning of Christmas is but you know it when you see it. Much is the same here and so when you see it, you know you kind of liked it but can't really say why.

Happy 400th episode to us and we go big this week with a perfect Nonsensical November pick. It's a truly baffling experience that is nearly impossible to dissect but does feature a bevvy of bonkers content from start to finish. Arguably, no other movie is so far from being grounded in reality that this is an absolute must-watch for fans of nonsensical plots. With any mention of The Peanut Butter Solution, it can't be understated how bonkers the plot is. Essentially a child goes into a haunted house, gets so frightened that his hair comes out and then goes on a quest to get his hair to grow back. That all sounds fine and good for a Saturday afternoon made-for-tv kid's movie but this pile is SOOO much more than that. While it really can't be written here, the plot is absolutely unfathomable and is completely off the rails. While the plot is bananas, it's not the only portion of this film that is nanners. The acting is at about 12 throughout by the lead, Michael (played by Mathew Mackay), his father (played by Michael Hogan from BSG fame) and the films "villain" Senor (Michel Maillot). Imagine Nic Cage at his Cageyest but without any of the talent.  Tack on some unintelligible dialogue, a clash of good and bad production design, some horrendously bad directing advice ("Children love surrealism, right?"), Celine Dion and a possible crime-ring of children kidnappers to exploit the art industry and you've got a seriously excellent bad movie. Do not miss this movie.

Inside lives a truly great film that delves into commentary about what it means to be a leader, the sacrifices one must make for their people, that no one should be judged by their appearance, and that anyone can truly be great. Unfortunately, it's all thrown aside for the sake of groan-inducing hi-jinx and jingoism. Yay.... King Ralph is a debacle. It's a horrendous stain on film-making and for only one reason - the "comedy". Imagine a mash-up of The King's Speech and C.H.O.M.P.S. and then throw your popcorn into the toilet and replace it with burnt toast. That's your cinematic viewing experience here. It's atrociously annoying, horrendously offensive at points and trips over it's own wit to pickup a pratfall. Expect your living room to be as silent as all of England when they learned Hollywood planned to eliminate the entire Royal Family in effigy. Despite all that, there does live a truly great film inside of King Ralph, it's just hard to see. The acting is spectacular (a monument should be erected in every city, town and village to Sir Peter O' Toole), Goodman is TRULY funny when he's allowed to be by the stifling hi-jinx, and the production design is top notch. Remnants of the source material (the more satirical elements, at least) still manage to come across and still hold weight. They are just mired down by all the gags to keep this thing from being "good". It's still a do, but it's not a do in the classic sense of a bad movie. It's the "good" in this film that you'll want to watch it for. The "bad" is like sticking your head in the garbage can.

Rambo rides off into the sunset (or dies in a pool of blood) but takes many, many, many people down with him on the way. It's a bloody, sticky, mess that will fall into the either love-it or hate-it folly. So let's get this out of the way first - Rambo: Last Blood looks like absolute crap. Whomever shot this should be sacked. Very few shots look even as good as most DTV films and each vehicle scene features completely unnecessary rear-projection. Why in the hell does this have to look so awful? Secondly, it's biggest flaw for Rambo fans is a particular scene that, yes, sets up the plot but is SO far out of character and John's skills and how he's managed all of his strategies that is just so out of place and dumb that may ruin the next twenty minutes of the film for you. However, if you can get past those two things, this thing is hot crap. At no point does John turn into "I'm getting too old for this" or even a Gran Turinoesque Clint Eastwood. John craves and thrives when there is trouble to be had and it doesn't matter how old he gets. There's some decent dialogue that reinforces how John looks at the world and then how he proceeds to end bad guy's lives. It's a blast.  It should also be mentioned that Stallone is great here. He's just as action packed as he always has been. He doesn't look like doing this will cause him to spend a week covered in Ben-Gay and at no point does he seem to be a lover of Worther's Originals. When he punches a guy, it seems like it will hurt real bad or possibly cause his fist to enter your body in holes you didn't have before.  So while it has a few issues, it's still a blast and if you come into a Rambo film expecting to see something else here, we're not sure what you're doing with your life. It's a do.

We all love babies right? Now what if we replaced babies with 6 year old kids with stunted growth and pasted their heads onto the bodies of little people? No? How about some CGI lip-syncing so they can talk? No? Ok, well how about stuffing a child actor into a bin of soiled undies? Yes, please. So Baby Geniuses and it's followup are two of the lowest rated movies that have ever existed, despite the overwhelming amount of fake 10/10 reviews on IMDB, it still was a box-office smash. Why? Because people love babies! Babies can do no wrong! Even when they are covered in dookie, murdering bums, imitating John Travolta and keeping the secrets of life to themselves out of selfish dickery! I'm not really sure if people who went to this for love of babies actually paid attention to what these awful children are actually up to. On the other side of the coin, Kathleen Turner and Christopher Lloyd are evil because we're told their evil even though their actions and motivations are parallels of our "hero adults" Kim Cattrell and Peter MacNicol which only reveals more about these horrific little baby monsters. While, we can't in good faith say that Baby Geniuses is a do for fans of crappy films, it's so close to being one of the greatest bad movies ever if only it could have stuck with babies doing karate and diving into dumpsters, but sadly tries to put the good-feelers into it's clearly moronic intended audience. Do or don't, what the hell do we care. Our souls have been eroded by dancing babies.

This week on the show we thoroughly review everything important this Halloween with regards to crummy movies. Special guest Tucker comes into the studio and delivers the laughs with his "beardy" style of humor. We review -  Pumpkinhead (1988) The Gate (1987) C.H.U.D. (1984) Sometimes They Come Back (1991) The Lighthouse (2019) Satanic Panic (2019) Child's Play (2019) The Lodgers (2017) We write up the reboot of Pumpkinhead; "Pumpkinhead Goes to Sturgess", we solve the homeless heating problems, Tucker bans walls, how to lose a pie-eating contest, washed-up pirate ships, and a special Halloween round of "Pop Quiz, Hotshot". Sit back and enjoy our 2019 Spooktacular episode!

Freddy is back and this time he lulls us to sleep with whale song and LBGTQ social commentary! It begs the ultimate question - does Freddy actually appear in this movie? Freddy 2 is an absolute bonkers experience and through-out is a complete and utter-turd. At no point does it make sense that it was a commercial success and likely should have destroyed the Freddy franchise (and thus would have prevented the LOTR trilogy from happening) but somehow was a massive win for New Line and kept the doors open for another ten years. I guess that really states to the allure of Mr. K. Yet it can only exist in 1 of 2 ways, both of which have problems: 1) It's an allegory for the traumas/dangers of being a closeted homosexual in the homophobia of the 80s drummed up by Reagan's AIDS debacle.2) It's all a dream from start to finish in which Freddy takes 90 minutes to murder one kid. 1 can't be it, because it then opens up a ton of plot holes with Freddy's powers and if he even exists in the movie or not. Was Jesse just using Freddy as a scape-goat for his "villanous" homosexual ways? He's just a copy-cat? But then how is it that he explodes a parakeet? Riddle me that, guys? Then on the other side, if Freddy IS possessing Jesse then how is it he's murdering teens when they're awake? 2 can't be it, because the producers and writers say that is not the case. If we can't trust the people who wrote it then who can we trust? The walls of reality are crumbling! Maybe this film does break the rules of our universe and now we are all living in Freddy's nightmare? Either way, you should probably check out Freddy 2 and try to help us make some sense out of the damn thing.

So it turns out that Peter Frampton sucks - oh you knew that already? The Brothers Gibb surround themselves by people who can't sign and play as well as they do and let everyone else drag them into the depths of garbage. But Barry's hair looks amazing, at least. Sgt Pepper's on it's face is a "do not do" movie before it even starts - you don't cover The Beatles unless you really are supremely talented, which The Bee Gees completely are, but the problem is that they allowed other people to be involved. You've got George Burns, Steve Martin, Alice Cooper, Peter Nicholas (yeah, who?), Donald Pleasance, Stargard and Frankie Howerd all covering Beatles tracks. Look, only a few people get to do that and none of you are qualified. Stop it! Stop IT! And leading the "not-good-at-stuff" is the constant O-faced, Peter Frampton. He is the absolute worst. Consistently off-key and when "on" his face is off. His "acting" (he doesn't utter a single line of dialogue) is about as good as his mouth guitar. As a whole, Sgt. Pepper's is a complete disaster and nothing works within it's pieces. Yet it doesn't have any of the yummy crummy goodness like The Apple, Breakin 2 or Can't Stop the Music. It has its occasional moments but you have to look at Peter Frampton to get to those points so its not really a fair trade-off.

Christopher Lambert dons the worst hair we've ever seen and leads an uprising against the Romans only to ultimately accomplishing nothing and dies off screen. There's nothing good about this film. Zzzz....Oh I'm sorry. You caught me napping after watching Druids. What did I miss? Oh, nothing. Absolutely nothing? Ok. I'll move on to something else. Seriously, this movie sucks. Even for fans of Lambert's nonsense. Nothing happens. It's such a crappy Braveheart knock-off but fails in that it the world has not changed at the end of the movie. He doesn't even give the Romans that much grief. It's about as much grief as buying a $30 worth of lottery scratch tickets and finding 10 of them that are worth $1. Whoa the grievance... Oh yeah - where the hell are the damn druids?!?!  Seriously, don't spend a second of your time watching Druids. Go plant a flower. Eat a sandwich. Read a book about Gaul. Do ANYTHING but watch Druids.

Patrick Swayze says Dalton was a weiner and gifts us the pyschopathic, blood-lusting, and man of the road - Jack Cruise. Along the way Meatloaf delivers his best, but still manages to get Asahi Guy murdered and bankrupts his own villainy scheme before it gets started. Lets just get this out of the way - Black Dog is fantastic and is one of the few shining examples of perfectly bad in every way. Every bit of it is inept from the music, the casting, the script, the acting, the directing and the editing and has the "it" factor on all those elements for bad movie fans. It's a glorious seam-less mess that you couldn't set out to do such a bad job and have it work so well together. It's stunningly perfect and beautiful and a complete train-wreck. My next paragraph would like to be - "The best part of Black Dog is..." but I seriously can't say that. As soon as I think of something, say Meatloaf's character Red's seriously flawed villainy scheme (stealing his own stuff, make deal for stuff, rinse, repeat - never make any money) is instantly thrust into competition against say Asahi Guy's lack of steering or braking in the face of impending spolsion death or Jack Cruise showing his family how murder is just a darn good family activity or the wonderfully terrible ATF and FBI agent dynamics. There's no "best part" of this movie because it's ALL best part. So stop what you're doing, fire this thing up whether alone or with friends (you'll just end up watching it again anyways), try not to fall off the couch with laughter and enjoyment and most importantly - do NOT be like Jack Cruise - I prefer breathing, thank you.

Shabadoo, Boogaloo Shrimp and a cast of break dancers team-up with Golan and Globus, pump out a movie in a handful of months and leave us with one of the most important and culturally infamous bad movies of all time. Hope you like break-dancing! Let's face it - this movie stinks and rules. There's so little happening but no one notices because it's masked by CONSTANT break dancing. It's wall-to-wall. There might be more more dance/musical numbers in this than Caberet and Chicago and Grease combined. Now that might scare off the casual bad-movie goer who is here for movies staring shirtless men with guns, but don't be afraid - this thing is electric dog-poo on fire. It's really something of a special deal when a movie crams this much non-diegetic, metaphorical story-telling using dance as the device and still manages to contain as much mind-boggling nonsense within those dance sequences. For most of us, we just check out during dance numbers as they are just a showcasing of people's abilities to move their butt around, but this is not that. There's a constant tone of bonkers throughout these numbers and must be watched; especially the surrounding extras. The acting is hilarious, with two non-leads stealing every scene. The actors who played Lucia and Rhonda were both so bad that they had to be over-dubbed and the dub is absolutely laughable. Try not to fall out of your chair when Lucia helps Turbo bust out of the hospital. It's an absolute spectacle of ineptitude, all while still being the most competent film Golan and Globus ever put together - and they did it in less than six months. Breakin 2': Electric Boogaloo is an absolute must do for its historical importance but beyond that - it's just a damn good time.

The biggest flop in Hollywood history visits the podcast, eats all our food, backups the sewer system and kidnaps our children and then quietly makes us forget that any of it ever happened. Will it be worse than The Love Guru? Nope. The weird thing about Pluto Nash is that is just nothing. It doesn't make you angry. The jokes aren't groan-worthy. The plot doesn't cause your eyes to roll so hard they pop out. It's just a bunch of nothing. There may not be another movie that has ever made us feel so dispassionate towards it. We just don't care about it - not even enough to hate. Which is likely it's fatal flaw. Don't get us wrong, it's a turd sandwich. But does it belong in the same discussion as other bottom 100 movies? If you gave a Ted Talk about the worst movies of all time, you'd be a jackass because Ted Talks are super narcissistic but you'd also spend zero time talking about the biggest flop in Hollywood history. "Pluto Nash? Oh yes of course, but lets move on to House of the Dead." So just don't bother with The Adventures of Pluto Nash. No one else has.