The Lefkoe Institute

 Hi, this is Morty Lefkoe with another edition of the weekly podcast, “Conversations With  Top Personal Development Bloggers.” Every week we have a conversation with […]

 Hi.  This is Morty Lefkoe with another addition of the weekly podcast Conversations with Top Personal Development  Bloggers.  Every week we have a conversation with […]

http://media.blubrry.com/recreateyourlife/p/s3.amazonaws.com/Podcast-Series/PodcastBrittReints090314.mp3 Podcast: Play in new window | Download  Hi, this is Morty Lefkoe with another edition of the weekly podcast, Conversations with  Top Personal Development […]

 Hi, this is Morty Lefkoe with another edition of the weekly podcast, Conversations with Top Personal Development  Bloggers. Every week we have a conversation with […]

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Hi, this is Morty Lefkoe with another edition of the weekly podcast, Conversations With Top Personal Development Bloggers. Every week we have a conversation with […]

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Hi.  This is Morty Lefkoe with another edition of the weekly podcast, Conversations with Top Personal Development Bloggers.  Every week we have a conversation with […]

Morty Lefkoe (M): Hi, this is Morty Lefkoe with another edition of the weekly podcast, Conversations with top personal development bloggers. Every week we have […]

Why do you read personal growth materials or purchase personal growth products?  If you are typical, there is something in your life you would like to improve.  Most people interested in personal growth programs would like to “get better” in some way. The meaning of “getting better” varies from person to person, but it can include relieving suffering, getting over various fears, taking action when we feel fear, stopping compulsive behavior, improving relationships, eliminating the barriers to making and saving money, stopping the negative self talk, etc.  Most of the people in the world are trying to get better in some way. (http://www.mortylefkoe.com/wp-content/uploads/bigstock-Hierarchy-Of-Needs-Pyramid-M-14588501-297x300.jpg)But what happens once we’ve eliminated the beliefs and conditionings that cause most of our behavioral and emotional problems?  What happens once we’ve stopped giving meaning to most of the moment-to-moment meanings we unconsciously create?  Once we stop seeking to get better, what’s next? Abraham Maslow, an American psychologist, identified what he described as a hierarchy of needs.  He said that needs must be satisfied in the given order.   Levels 1 through 4 are deficiency motivators, in other words, there is something missing that must be attained; we want to get better.  Level 5 is a growth motivator; it is about self-actualization. Maslow's hierarchy of needs 1. Biological and Physiological needs - air, food, drink, shelter, warmth, sex, sleep, etc. 2. Safety needs - protection from elements, security, order, law, limits, stability, etc. 3. Belongingness and Love needs - work group, family, affection, relationships, etc. 4. Esteem needs - self-esteem, achievement, mastery, independence, status, dominance, prestige, managerial responsibility, etc. 5. Self-Actualization needs - realizing personal potential, self-fulfillment, seeking peak experiences. Maslow argued and I agree fully that you have to progress through these five or from level three to level five.  Moreover, at any given level the higher levels levels in order.  In other words, you can’t skip from level one to level three or four, are not fully real to you.  But once you’ve satisfied your needs at any given level the next level becomes real.  And once you’ve satisfied all your deficiency needs, you are ready to self-actualize. Unfortunately, tens of millions of people still exist at levels one and two, still trying to meet survival needs. My experience with literally thousands of people has demonstrated that eliminating beliefs and conditionings can move people upward through levels three and four.  Moreover, hundreds of people who have learned to stop giving meaning to daily events report that they experience some of the characteristics of self-actualization. A website devoted to Maslow’s work (http://www.businessballs.com/maslow.htm (http://www.businessballs.com/maslow.htm)) presents a list of self-actualizing characteristics. Maslow's self-actualizing characteristics * keen sense of reality - aware of real situations - objective judgment, rather than subjective * see problems in terms of challenges and situations requiring solutions, rather than see problems as personal complaints or excuses * need for privacy and comfortable being alone * reliant on own experiences and judgment - independent - not reliant on culture and environment to form opinions and views * not susceptible to social pressures - non-conformist * democratic, fair and non-discriminating - embracing and enjoying all cultures, races and individual styles * socially compassionate - possessing humanity * accepting others as they are and not trying to change people * comfortable with oneself - despite any unconventional tendencies * a few close intimate friends rather than many surface relationships * sense of humor directed at oneself or the human condition, rather than at the expense of others

I recently got into a discussion about the appropriate use of emotions in making important decisions with my daughter Brittany.  Several points that I have never written about or which were touched on only briefly in prior posts were discussed in our c...

Because I’m in the change business I am frequently telling people that change is really easy if you know how to do it.  Almost without exception, however, their response is: “What do you mean change is easy?  Everyone knows that people resist change!” ...

In order to make this blog post personally valuable to you, I'd like to start by asking you a couple of questions. First, whatever sport you play, how often do you play up to your potential, in other words, if you rate your best performance a 10, how often do you play at a 10? ... The next question I'd like to ask you is: If you can play at a 10 sometimes, why can't you do it more frequently? You obviously have the physical skills and ability or you wouldn't have been able to do it that one time. ... I’d like to suggest that the reason your game isn't consistent and you don't play up to your potential most of the time is strictly mental—specifically, your beliefs, feelings, and the meaning you give what happens while you play, all of which are within your power to change. It’s not how good you play, but how often you play that well. (http://www.mortylefkoe.com/wp-content/uploads/ML-blog-12.4.12-Tiger-jpg-150x150.jpg) Obviously you need the appropriate skills for your sport but, as Jim Loehr (a sports psychologist who has worked with a number of successful professional athletes) points out, "the distinguishing trademark of great players in any sport is not so much their exceptional talent, but rather their exceptional ability to consistently play at the peak of their talent." (Emphasis added.) Many others agree. For example, a story in USA Today pointed out: "For years, golf's top players have agreed: little separates the physical capabilities of the world's 100 or so best players. The difference between success and failure, they agree, largely depends on their approach, their handling of crisis situations on the course, their response to pressure, the ability to handle their emotions and fears and doubts. In short, it's the mental side of the game." (Emphasis added.) Does this sound like you? If you're like most serious amateur competitors, you don't complain very much about your physical limitations. Here is a list of some of the most common complaints. Which sound familiar to you? • "It's not that I don't know what to do, it's that I don't do what I know." • "The harder I try, the worse I seem to perform." • "I know exactly what I'm doing wrong on my forehand (or my putting, or my footwork, or my swimming stroke, etc.), but I just can't seem to break the habit." • "When I concentrate on one thing I'm supposed to be doing, I flub something else." • "I'm my own worst enemy." Notice that every one of these complaints is a mental one. Moreover, all of them are the result of pressure you put on yourself. In fact, Loehr contends, "If you can take the pressure off yourself, then winning will take care of itself." Why? What's the connection between pressure and your ability to perform? Tony Schwartz points out in a New York Magazine article that "Thoughts about losing or playing poorly may lead to fear and anxiety, which prompt an array of physiological reactions such as increased heart rate, muscle tightness, shortness of breath, reduced blood flow to the hands and feet, and even narrowing of vision. All of these reactions make it impossible to play up to one's potential. " How do you react to mistakes? According to Loehr: "The emotional downfall for most players is mistakes. Mistakes can trigger strong emotional responses (disappointment, embarrassment, anger, temper, low intensity) that can cause inconsistent or poor play. For some players, nearly every mistake represents an emotional crisis. But it's interesting to note that everyone manages mistakes the same way when they're playing well. They simply turn and walk away confidently, as if nothing happened. Ideally, the best emotional response to mistakes is to get challenged. A mistake is simply feedback to the mental computer that the shot wasn't perfect, that some adjustment is necessary. And the simple fact is that without mistakes, the learning process would be permanently blocked. No mistakes, no progress.

My friend said to me: “I don’t believe you.  You are in total denial.” I had been having a conversation with my friend and I had just told him about a “difficult” circumstance in my life that hadn’t upset me.  He replied with a bit of righteousness that that circumstance was upsetting and, if I wasn’t upset, I had to be in denial. Most people can’t grasp “no meaning” (http://www.mortylefkoe.com/wp-content/uploads/bigstock-Denial-1238913-300x201.jpg)Most people in the world think that events cause us to have specific feelings.  Very few people understand, much less have experienced directly, that events have no inherent meaning and thus cannot cause feelings.  They aren’t aware that we automatically and unconsciously give meaning to meaningless events and it is that meaning that causes most of our feelings. As a result when I, or anyone else who is able to dissolve meaning easily and quickly, says that we aren’t upset by an event that most people consider to be upsetting, the only logical possible explanation for them is that we are in denial. After years of depression, neediness, loneliness, and general unhappiness, I am finally totally at peace with myself and with life.  I feel as though it has all turned out.  Although I still have things I would like to accomplish (in fact, more than I have time for), there is nothing more that I need to be happy.  I am happy, as my friend Marci Shimoff says in her book, “for no reason at all.”  (Happy for No Reason) I still have occasional incidents like the one I wrote about a few weeks ago where I get upset because I can’t immediately find the meaning causing the upset.  But I almost always do eventually and I’m able to dissolve the meaning and the feelings stemming from the meaning in a relatively short time. Don’t settle The purpose of today’s post is to remind you that there is a way to experience life that most people do not think possible—a way that is unimaginable to most people.  Actually that way of living is possible for anyone who eliminates the beliefs and conditionings that keep them stuck, and who learns how to dissolve the meanings they give to meaningless events. Don’t settle for less than is possible for you.  Your dreams can come true.  In fact, you can have more than you dreamed possible.  Please, never, ever give up.  This week’s exercise Try the following exercise for seven days. Whenever you think that your circumstances are upsetting you, or your goals are frightening you, or your relationships are annoying you, remind yourself that these circumstances, goals and relationships are not the source of your negative feelings.  You are. As long as you think something outside of you is the source of a problem, your ability to resolve the problem is severely diminished.  As soon as you recognize that you are the source of the problem, your ability to resolve the problem is significantly enhanced. Please comment on this post and write your results from the exercise. Your comments and questions increase the value we all receive.  I read them all and respond to as many as I can. If you found this post useful, please tell your friends and followers by using the buttons at the top of this post If you haven’t yet eliminated at least one of your limiting self-esteem beliefs using the Lefkoe Belief Process, go to http://recreateyourlife.com/free (http://recreateyourlife.com/free). To get my blog posts as podcasts, sign up for the RSS feed above or look up “Morty Lefkoe” at iTunes to have the podcasts sent to you weekly. Copyright ©2012 Morty Lefkoe

Have you ever noticed that sometimes you have a hard time letting go of a negative emotion that feels really painful, an emotion you wish you could make disappear? In today’s post I’ll explain why that happens and also give you a few techniques to lessen the intensity of those unpleasant feelings.  (I provided one such technique in an earlier post, http://www.mortylefkoe.com/upset-today-upset/# (http://www.mortylefkoe.com/upset-today-upset/#).) Why we resist letting go of painful feelings (http://www.mortylefkoe.com/wp-content/uploads/bigstock-Golden-Retriever-Dog-Biting-Ro-15065048-300x200.jpg)When a man says: “I am a man, or a woman says: “I am a woman”, they are describing who they experience themselves to be.  They are describing part of their identity. Our gender is so much a part of us that if you weren’t the gender you are, you would no longer feel like “you.” The same is frequently true for our intense emotions.  When you feel upset you experience: I am upset—with an emphasis both on the “I” and the “am.”  It feels like who you are is upset and that you are almost defined by that feeling.  Thus, when you feel upset, if the upset disappeared, it seems like the “you” that remained would not really be you, because the upset you are is no longer present.  If an emotion that seems like an inherent part of you—like part of who you are—disappears, it feels like you have been wiped out of existence There’s another reason it can be hard to let go of a negative feeling.  If you try to dissolve the meaning (the occurring) that gave rise to the feeling, some part of you doesn’t want to let go of the meaning because it validates and justifies the feeling.  For example, imagine someone says or does something and you feel angry.  Assume you had given what the person said or did the meaning: If he really cared about me, he wouldn’t have done it.  The meaning you gave to the event justifies and validates your feeling of anger, which feels like a part of who you are.  If you dissolved the meaning and realized the event had no inherent meaning, you could no longer justify the anger.  So some part of you wants to hold on to the meaning. How to lessen the intensity of your negative feelings In the blog post in which I describe my recent upset I offered you one technique for lessening the intensity of your emotions.  (http://www.mortylefkoe.com/upset-today-upset/# (http://www.mortylefkoe.com/upset-today-upset/).)  Here are three techniques that I’ve used personally. 1.  Get into the creator state using the Who Am I Really? Process.  In that state the negative emotion will disappear. http://d3n3f57qjh51zc.cloudfront.net/who-am-i-really-new.mp3 2.  Get into the creator space using the following technique. * Realize that the emotion I am having now is being caused by the meaning I gave a reality that has no inherent meaning. * If I created the meaning that caused the feelings and thoughts, what does that make me? * Is it real now that I’m the consciousness that creates meanings that ultimately determine how I experience my life? * Check and see if you are in the creator space. The way to be certain is to ask yourself what’s possible (answer: anything) and ask yourself if you have any limitations (answer: no). 3.  “Step outside yourself” and observe yourself having feelings.  Say to yourself: “I have feelings; I am not my feelings.  They have nothing to do with reality.  They are not caused by reality.  My feelings are the result of automatic, unconscious occurrings that are not true.”  To the extent you can make this real you will be able to detach somewhat from your feelings. This week’s exercise The next time you experience an upset or any other negative feeling, notice that some part of you seems to be holding on to it.  See if my explanation accurately describes your experience. Then, use any of the three techniques I described in this post to reduce the intensity of the feeling.