Lunchtime Movie Review

It’s Christmas in the McCallister house. A family of smug and condescending suburbanites prepares for their trip to France, where they will learn how to sharpen their smug condescension from the experts. Kevin McCallister (played by Macaulay Culkin), a boisterous towheaded 8 year old causes trouble with his family, culminating in the spilling of a soda and the forced vomiting of an entire large cheese pizza. Kevin is chastised and sent to bed without his dinner or his passport. In his boyish rage, Kevin wishes that his family would disappear as a Christmas gift, which is the same gift for which Charles Manson wished that year they were sold out of Partridge Family lunch pails. As luck would have it, Kevin’s family disappeared that night, or so he thinks. Turns out they just didn’t notice that the loudest and neediest of their children wasn’t there until their plane was approaching Greenwich Mean Time. Kevin’s mom panics. Kevin, however, parties. He loves every minute of his freedom and does all those things his parents won’t let him do: eat junk food and watch gangster movies, jump on his parents’ bed while snacking on popcorn, dig deep into his brother’s porno stash. Someone else, however, is eyeing Kevin’s house. Two robbers, played by Joe Pesci and some dude with a beard, have been casing the house, hoping to steal its valuables and clog its sink. Despite being among the greatest cat burglars in the world, these robbers are only slightly less incompetent and cowardly than the Chicago Police. They come to burgle the house on several occasions but are scared away by Kevin’s antics...

Film. The final frontier. These are scenes of Star Trek: The Motion Picture. Its mission: to placate fanboys and shut Gene Roddenberry the hell up. The movie starts with a giant energy cloud in space destroying everything in its path. It was totally already done in episode # 2x18, The Obsession. Three Klingon Birds of Prey investigate. Two get blown up and the other then tries to retreat before they too meet Kahless in Stovokor. Wait, retreat? What the hell kind of Klingons are we dealing with? Qapla, indeed. Meanwhile in Sector 001, the Enterprise is undergoing a major refit. Kirk, who has been promoted to admiral for banging numerous Orion slave girls, throws a major hissy fit and regains command of the Enterprise to investigate the space cloud coming straight for Earth. Captain Decker, who oversaw the refit and was to take command, gets his space panties in a bunch and doesn’t take the news too well. Hey, at least he still has his relationship with Illia… who is bald… and took a celibacy vow. Ok, I can see why Decker is frustrated. Kirk addresses the crew in the most motivational way he can: showing the cloud destroying the Klingon ships. You can tell Kirk suppressed doing the jig when he saw the Klingons go the way of his son… wait… that happens later in the timeline. Nevermind...

Moonraker, AKA “Bond In Space”, is the eleventh James Bond film and starts with the Moonraker space shuttle being stolen, in flight, from the top of a passenger jet. If an airliner can f**king carry a space shuttle with no problem, then why the f**k do they need to charge $35 for our checked luggage? Keeping with the flight theme, we next see our grandfather, I mean James Bond, in a luxury jet. A fight ensues and Bond and Jaws, the only likable character from Happy Gilmore...

LTMR Hindsight is a series of podcasts that allows for a more in depth discussion about an area of film that we often don't get to talk about when discussing an individual film. For our seventh episode of LTMR Hindsight, we prepare for the release of the James Bond films, Skyfall, by looking back at all of the James Bond themes from all the official James Bond films since 1962. Last month, Garth Franklin of Dark Horizons ranked and published all the James Bond themes (sans Skyfall), for worst to best. That caused us to want to see what how we would rank the themes. So four of us got together and argued over what is the best Bond theme. Twenty-three songs, four reviewers, and four different number ones. Join us as we take a break from the norm and we talk about music and some of our memories of the films that they come from.

LTMR Hindsight is a series of podcasts that allows for a more in depth discussion about an area of film that we often don't get to talk about when discussing an individual film. For our sixth episode of LTMR Hindsight, we get into the Halloween spirit and look back at some of the big horror film franchises of the 1980's. Join us as we talk about some of the box office numbers for some of the most successful horror films from our childhood, including Halloween, Friday the 13th, Child's Play, A Nightmare On Elm Street, The Return Of The Living Dead, The Amityville Horror, and Psycho (yes, that Psycho - the one that had two sequels in the 1980's). We also discuss what makes a good horror film, and why sometimes they don't work. Join us as we look back at the films that scared us as children as we close out the month of October 2012.

LTMR Hindsight is a series of podcasts that allows for a more in depth discussion about an area of film that we often don't get to talk about when discussing an individual film. For our fifth episode of LTMR Hindsight, we look back at the first year of Lunchtime Movie Review. On August 15th of this year, our little podcast turned one. So we thought it would be the perfect time to look back and reflect on some of the high points (The Shining, Blade Runner, and The Star Wars Holiday Special), as well as some low points (Starman, Strange Brew, and The Transformers: The Movie) of the last year. In addition, we brought back everyone who has appeared on the podcast in the first year to see what they had to say. And it only took us two months to get everyone interviewed. Join us as we celebrate one year as a podcast and look back at everything from Top Gun to UHF. Some of the podcasts we discuss are: Top Gun, Sixteen Candles, A Fish Called Wanda, Blade Runner, Footloose (1984), Revenge Of The Nerds, This Is Spinal Tap!, Starman, Strange Brew, National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation, The Star Wars Holiday Special, Die Hard, Beetlejuice, The Goonies, The Shining, Overboard, Clash Of The Titans (1981), The Fly (1984), The Warriors, The Transformers: The Movie, Johnny Dangerously, Rocky III, Alien, Better Off Dead, and Total Recall (1990).

The date: June 3, 1984. The time: 5:30 P.M. The place: Uneeda Medical Supply in Louisville, Kentucky. The event: Zombies. Freddy is a new employee at Uneeda Medical Supply, Frank, the foreman shows him the cadavers and other no longer living things in the warehouse. He even shows them a secret military drum down in the basement. Frank kicks the drum to show how secure it is, but like anything made by the government, this drum is unstable and releases some sort of gas into the warehouse and on Frank and Freddie. We learn that the army has been searching for this container for 25 years and has no idea where it is. They start hearing noises coming from the cadaver locker and soon realize that the dead dude ain’t dead no more. They decapitate the reanimated body, but that still doesn’t kill it, so they take it to the cemetery across the street to the crematorium – brilliant. Freddy’s girlfriend Tina and his punk friends, Spider, Trash, Chuck, Casey, Scuz, and Suicide, just happen to be in that cemetery waiting for Freddy’s shift to be over and what better way to pass the time than to watch one of your friend Trash ( a girl and appropriately named) strip down naked on a headstone...

Andy Barclay is a sweet, loving, yet lonely six-year-old boy, who lives at home with his “older than she should looks”, single mother Karen Barclay. Karen is a hard working department store clerk, who by the looks of her apartment is getting paid way too much to act as if she has it so hard. Using all her money to pay for a nice Chicago apartment has left Karen strapped for cash, unable to buy Andy any decent birthday presents. She opts for some lame “Good Guy” tools instead of an actual Good Guy, Chucky doll...

David and Jack are two young Americans backpacking through Europe. Now we all know that nothing good happens to young Americans in Europe, so since they’re guys, kidnapping and raping is probably not in the cards. They make their way to the Moors of England where they stop by the Slaughtered Lamb, a local pub. They get a cool reception from the people in the Lamb who convince them to leave into the night. But don’t worry, the full moon provides enough light. After straying from the road, they hear a roar and are attacked by some sort of an animal. Jack is mauled to death and David is attacked, but survives. Thanks primarily to the lovely people of the Lamb. The people from the Lamb do to David and Jack what we did to the English in WWII – they help after most of the damage has already been done. They shoot the lycanthrope, saving David. David ends up in a hospital where he has some frightening dreams that make absolutely no sense, unless of course, you have some horrible Nazi-zombie fetish. David also courts a nurse with Nightingale syndrome – she wants to get her some crazy American strange. David also begins to have visions of his mauled and dead friend Jack who informs David that they were mauled by a werewolf and that Jack and all of the werewolf’s victims remain undead and in limbo until the lycan’s bloodline is destroyed. Why this plot line? Because this is a British werewolf story, and they are very much into doing the honorable thing, so suicide has to fit into that equation. Jack tells David that he is now a werewolf and will change on the next full moon...

Au Revoir Les Enfants (1987) was written and directed by Louis Malle. This is a sad story from his childhood. Our story takes place in January 1944, and the setting is a monastery and provincial boarding school for boys near Fountainebleau, France. The school is a rather gloomy, old and dark place; the younger students sleep on iron frame beds in a room set up like a barracks. However, the school’s priests provide the students with patience, warmth and normalcy during a time where nothing is normal. The headmaster of the school is Father Jean, who must make do with wartime rations of crappy food and insufficient heat for the boys, all while managing to placate their wealthy parents. We soon learn that Father Jean is also providing a clandestine sanctuary for three Jewish boys. Father Jean is truly a man of God. Aside from protecting Jewish boys from the Gestapo, he provides a lecherous French gimp named Joseph a job in the school’s kitchen. Joseph rewards Father Jean’s charity by giving the boys pornography in exchange for jam. Aside from the occasional air raid siren and German soldier entering the school’s chapel for a confessional, the boys at the school are far removed from the realities of the war, the German occupation of France, and the cloud of fascism over Europe. It is under this setting that Louis Malle tells us a story about innocence and betrayal brought upon by deeply imbedded anti-Semitism in French society...

LTMR Hindsight is a series of podcasts that allows for a more in depth discussion about an area of film that we often don't get to talk about when discussing an individual film. For our fourth episode of LTMR Hindsight, we look back at the month of September. And since it appears that Hollywood reserves September as its "dump" month, we looked back at five years worth of films so that we could fill up an entire podcast. Join us as we review the dust bin of Hollywood as we talk about some films that you probably never heard of, as well as some surprising gems that overcame their lowly September release status and went on to win the Academy Award for Best Picture. Some of the films we discuss are: Ordinary People, Tim, Mommie Dearest, Continental Divide, Chariots of Fire, Carbon Copy, The Incubus, Eating Raoul, Nightmares, Revenge of the Ninja, Educating Rita, Eddie and the Cruisers, The Big Chill, Exterminator 2, Ninja III: The Domination, Amadeus, All of Me, and Irreconcilable Differences. Join the Children as they take a more detailed look back at some of the films from our childhood.

Fletch is based on a 1974 mystery novel by Gregory McDonald. The book was the first in a series featuring the character Irwin Maurice Fletcher. The series lasted eleven books and even launched a spin off series for a supporting character, Inspector Francis Xavier Flynn, that lasted four books itself. The Edgar Allen Poe Award winning first novel, which the film is based on, introduces I. M. Fletcher, a journalist and ex-marine staying on a beach watching the drug culture for a story, waiting to find the dealer's source before publishing an exposé. When Universal went to cast the film, they initially looked to likes of Burt Reynolds and Mick Jagger, but ultimately settled on Chevy Chase due to his obvious marine like physique and gift of drama. He also had the decided advantage that the author had never seen him in anything when he agreed to his casting. Our film begins much like the book, with Fletch, now just a journalist, staying on a beach watching the drug culture for his column in the paper. Because when I think of drug dealers, I often think of Norm from Cheers. Aren’t drug users usually thin and strung out? Anyways, Fletch is approached by Alan Stanwyk, played by Tim Matheson. Stanwyk tells Fletch that he has inoperable cancer and wants Fletch to kill him so that his family will receive his life insurance...

When it was originally conceived, Running Scared was a film about two older New York City cops who want to retire, but want to pull off one last big bust of a drug kingpin before settling into their golden years. MGM wanted Gene Hackman and Paul Newman to play the two leads. But after signing director Peter Hyams to the project, they were convinced that the two heroic cops should be younger…and from Chicago. MGM then went after Tom Selleck and John Travolta to play the lead roles of Hughes and Costanzo. Unfortunately, Selleck had to turn down the role due to commitments to Magnum P.I. And Travolta had several massages scheduled for that month. So MGM had to find their two hard as nails cops somewhere else. Eventually, they settled on the obvious choices of Gregory Hines and Billy Crystal. Hines , best known for dancing his way through The Cotton Club and White Nights, and Crystal, best known at the time for Saturday Night Live, but whose best known film role had been a pregnant man in 1978’s Rabbit Test. The man’s comedy was ahead of its time, beating Schwarzenegger’s Junior to the punch by nearly 16 years. Our film begins in present day, 1985 Chicago. It appears to be winter, but it always seems to be snowing in Chicago in the movies. Unless, of course, you are in a John Hughes film; then it is all sunshine and parades. Ray Hughes, played by Hines, and Danny Costanzo, played by Crystal, are two, unorthodox City of Chicago detectives. Their beat is Chicago's North Side, and what a wonderful beat it is. The film starts by our two hero detectives drinking soda pop and warming themselves by a trashcan that is one fire, as I imagine all detectives do, waiting for a crime to occur in their general vicinity. However, they are in luck on this particular occasion, as they see two of their frequent fliers, up and coming drug dealer Julio, played by Jimmy Smits, and Snake, played by Joey Pants himself. It seems these two are up to no good, so the duo decides to harass Snake, ultimately finding out that he has $50,000 in a suitcase. After convincing Snake that it is best if they arrest him, Hughes and Costanzo take him downtown and convince Snake to wear a wire and work for them. However, Snake is a sly one and is actually setting up the detectives...

Rad, otherwise known as Paperboy: The Movie is a film about dreams and America’s favorite pastime: montages. Cru Jones is a high school kid with a paper route, but don’t let his down syndrome fool you . . . this kid has more determination and talent than any other kid in the country. He can deliver his papers quicker than anyone else, he can out run the local motorcycle policeman, and he can bounce on the front tire of his bike as long as he wants. When BMX corporate comes to Cru’s small town for Helltrack, the greatest BMX race ever held (not to be confused with Heaven’s gate – the greatest pudding eating contest ever held), Cru wants to prove himself as the best in the world. Unfortunately, this race is only for professional factory racers like Mongoose’s Bart Taylor, played by the 1984 summer hero Bart Connors himself. Bart and his evil twin friends, who apparently only have one girlfriend between them show off their biking and dancing skills. The townspeople Occupy Helltrack and force the BMX people to open up the race to some of the local kids, but unlike all the other Occupy events, these simple folk are actually successful and Helltrack agrees to hold a qualifying race for the townies. Cru is intent on qualifying even though the qualifying race is on the same days as the SATs. Cru has to decide between college and a chance at Helltrack, or a chance at Helltrack and starting college in the winter instead of the Fall. Either way, Cru’s mom, Adrian, is pissed, but she gets over it pretty quickly because this story line is just bullshit false conflict...

The year: sometime between 1946 and 1985. The iron curtain has fallen over East Germany. Apparatchiks wield enormous power over the huddled masses. Grim soldiers stalk the towns for evidence of sedition. The French resistance . . . resists. And kids the world over groove to rock and roll. Nick Rivers is a rock star at the top of the charts. He’s a ladies’ man who doesn’t play by the rules, as long as chicks are 18. Nick has travelled to East Germany to perform in a music festival. While he eats, the police pursue a mysterious woman, Hillary Flammond, she whose bosoms defy gravity. Nick defends Hillary from the police and kills two cops in the process. The police arrest Nick. He languishes in prison for as many as twenty minutes before he is tortured for information about the mysterious Hillary and the resistance. Nick doesn’t crack. The Party allows Nick to perform at the music festival. He escapes with Hillary and joins the resistance, the French resistance, the French resistance to the East German government, in East Germany. There he meets Chevalier, Montage, Detente, Avant Garde, Déjà vu, Croissant, Souffle, Escargot, Chocolate Mousse, and the mysterious leader of the resistance known only as The Torch...