Mustache Rangers

You may love time travel movies, but they don't make any sense. Don't worry about it. Your brain and the writer's brain are too dumb to make heads or tails of time travel. It's the limitation of this biological sponge in our head. You fill a sponge with protein lines and jab it with electricity and expect it to understand the flow and obstruction of time? If you do, then your sponge could use some extra electricity to the front part of the sponge part. Enjoy this week's podcast, dummy.

Diet fads come and go as surely as the tides and bell bottoms. You can say "bootcut" but you're not fooling anybody, the Gap. But getting back to diets, everyone is looking for the quick fix. The superfood or the magic bacteria that will eat your insides, but just enough so that you look pretty and your bowel movements smell like a kitten's dreams. We're here to tell you that the kitten bacteria doesn't exist. The only way to properly manage your weight is with a calendar of some kind. One that berates you daily. It'll say things like "how many doughnuts is that now" or "still putting off buying running shoes, huh?" If the calendar is correct about your laziness, you'll feel bad and maybe make a change. If the calendar is wrong, you can feel better about yourself for being smarter than a calendar. Either way, improvements are made and you'll start to feel better. This is for poor people only, of course. For rich people, get someone to stab the fat out of you. We think it's called "surgery" or "insurgency." Those words probably mean the same thing, like "flammable" and "inflammable." So get insurgency already.

Other people's opinions are the topic of discussion in this Mustache Rangers podcast episode. Interesting fact. Did you know that everybody has an opinion? It's true! Even babies are all, like, "what's with all the light and the lack of amniotic fluid out here?" That was just translated with a baby translator, by the way. That's probably why you haven't heard about it in the news yet. Some people say "opinions are like assholes, everyone has their finger in one." Stay away from those sorts of people. They really know how to mess up a good saying. They're probably mixing up that nursery rhyme about Little Jack Horner and that saying about opinions. At least, that's our opinion on the mattter.

Cards, books, and money. Isn't that really what the holidays are about? You receive cards that look good on your mantel until the year rolls over. You receive books that you'll never read. Or you get a card full of money. Really, those are the only three options. Sure, there may be a bike thrown in for good measure when you're younger. But beyond that, even as a baby who can't read you get books. Why all the books, adults? We know that rabbits are furry. Do we really need Pat the Bunny to tell us this? If you can't tell from looking at it that bunnies are soft, then you're in for a lifetime of hardships. Or soft ships. You probably don't want to use soft ships, or "rafts" as they are most commonly known. At least, not on the ocean. A raft is like a serving platter for sharks. What were we talking about? Oh yeah, the podcast. Listen to the new podcast. It's about the holidays, we think. And happy Terrance Day to you.

Hell and decorating are the topics of this Mustache Rangers podcast episode. More decorating than hell, but "go to decoration school" isn't a very catchy podcast title. Maybe you have a better idea for a title. Well, you can shove it. We don't want to hear it. Make your own damn podcast. Leave us along. Enjoy!

Andrew Zimmern, host of Bizarre Foods and the Go Fork Yourself podcast, takes time out of his busy schedule to deliver some very urgent news to the Mustache Rangers. Will it be food related news? Yes. Sorry, spoiler alert. You can see Andrew Zimmern live at HUGE Improv Theater, home of the Mustache Rangers, on December 10th at 8pm. You can find more information on seeing Andrew Zimmern or the Mustache Rangers on stage at hugetheater.com.

Security cameras, Big Brother, and ghosts invade the personal space of the Mustache Rangers in this podcast episode. This is the episode that was actually recorded for Halloween. Whoops? Enjoy it anyway. Don't worry, there is no candy involved. You won't have to suspend your disbelief too much.

A podcast about politics the day before a major election? It's like we planned this or something. Don't worry. Your values won't be challenged. It's mostly talk about teeth and aspirations. You know, things you talk about every day. Anywho, enjoy this Mustache Rangers podcast episode.

It is almost Halloween, and you know what that means? Podcasts with a vaguely spooky theme, but not really! This podcast is really about board games. If there is anything better than playing a board game, it's listening to two people bicker about it. So listen, already! And don't forget! The Mustache Rangers return to HUGE Improv Theater this Friday at 9:30pm. Come for the 8pm show and enjoy our show on the same ticket! Look at all the money you're saving on entertainment!

The milestone that is a quarter of a milestone, the Mustache Rangers have reached episode 250 of their celebrated podcast. Enjoy this special episode, recorded live in front of an audience at HUGE Improv Theater in Minneapolis, MN. The video of the show, including a look backstage, is still available right here

With our feet stuck well into the muck that is October, it's only proper to have an arachnid-centric episode. If you live in a place where spiders can't rot your skin if you're bit, you have no right to be afraid of spider. In case you were wondering. Spiders and hats will bring you smiles in this podcast episode. We think. Edit: Two separate spider hat related jokes in one week? What does it mean, internet? See Zach Stafford's Extra Fabulous Comics.

Temperatures are discussed in this podcast episode. After all, we know what our audience wants. Lots of talk about being too hot or too cold. Afghans aren't brought up, but they are a great way to keep you both warm and cold at the same time. We don't know why we're telling you this. Listen to the podcast already, dummy.

The "gentlemen" from the Shoddy Radio podcast join the Mustache Rangers this week playing the Beard Patrolmen. For those of you who didn't see the live show the Mustache Rangers did that one time, the Beard Patrolmen are the greatest enemies of the Mustache Rangers. Speaking of live shows, the Mustache Rangers will be performing their 250th podcast episode LIVE onstage and online on October 21st, 2012. If you live in Minneosta, go the Improv a Go-Go at HUGE Improv Theater to see the performance. If you live not where we just said, stay tuned for details on where you can stream the performance live! Now, enjoy this current podcast episode!

We know what you're thinking. Where have you been, Mustache Rangers? But you thought it with a real twinge of attitude, so we won't answer you. Next time, when you think of something you might possibly ask, you had better check yourself before you Rex Urselph. Don't know how that phrase became so popular. Anyway. Imagination, or the lack of imagination, is the target of this podcast episode. Empty your mind as you listen in.

Scents and tastes can strongly evoke memories and emotions. But can a taste take a memory away? Probably not. But that won't stop the Mustache Rangers from going on and on about it in this podcast episode. Honestly, can't they shut up for, like, 2 minutes? Some of us are trying to sleep.