There’s a street party in the neighbourhood and Squiggy’s in charge of the barbeque because he scored a gross of ground chuck. But Lenny, his next door neighbour and best friend, can’t make it for the party. Too bad, because this year’s burgers are the best ever. h/t to the Stinky Meat Project Stinky Meat Project :: File Download (17:08 min / 7 MB)

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To celebrate the recent US Supreme Court Decision upholding the “fleeting expletive” rule (allowing the FCC to fine broadcasters for even a single instance of a word like fuck, shit, cunt, cocksucker, asshole, motherfucker, dickweed, shithead … you get the idea), I decided to do a podcast imagining a knock at the door early one morning. My podcast has an incidental cross-border issue – i.e. since I’m Canadian, the FCC can’t really fine me. Nevertheless, in a world without borders, USSC decisions have consequences beyond US borders. In this case, as in so many others, the world labours under an enormous burden called the United States of America. NPR :: Court: FCC 'Fleeting Expletive' Rule OK For Now File Download (7:03 min / 3 MB)

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Good nannies are hard to come by, but it’s important to give them some space of their own, as one dog-walking suburbanite learns the hard way.File Download (21:52 min / 10 MB)

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This podcast features two stories: the first concerns a mental health patient who starts to worry when the patient in the next room suddenly disappears and housekeeping whisks away some bloodied sheets; the second speculates about what might happen when a software giant gets into the funeral business.File Download (22:04 min / 12 MB)

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What kind of a conversation do you get when you force a paranoid schizophrenic to talk to an aphasic? Does it make any sense at all? This is the story of a psychotic – but harmless – man who has been convicted of being a nuisance and is sentenced to do community service at the Centre for Incurable Aphasia (CIA). He’s assigned to a priest who was in a cycling accident and has suffered a brain injury. The priest’s gibberish makes perfect sense!File Download (22:33 min / 12 MB)

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Listen to three poems. The first is titled “Improvisation on an Earlobe” and the text appears on the corresponding post at lifeinthemargins.com. The other two poems first appeared as the November and December 2008 poems for my poem-a-month newsletter which you can subscribe to at davidbarker.ca. They are titled “There Is No Sky” and “Prudence.” File Download (6:06 min / 3 MB)

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As the title suggests, this installment of Life In The Margins concerns an encounter with Leonard Cohen. The story is told by a neurotic husband who is worried that one day Leonard Cohen will seduce his wife. He arrives home from work one day to find that Leonard Cohen really is sitting in his living room sharing G & T’s with Suzanne, his wife. But seduction is the last thing on the man’s mind.File Download (16:28 min / 8 MB)

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Mohammed and Youssef are brothers who blew themselves up and have collected their reward – eternity with seventy-two virgins – only it’s not quite as idyllic as they had hoped. What’s more, they aren’t alone. One of their neighbours is the reverend Jerry who is also trying to collect on his reward, but as with Mohammed and Youssef, things aren’t turning out just as the good reverend had expected.File Download (9:49 min / 5 MB)

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This episode features two short shorts. The first is Couch Surfing, about a guy who stays home from work to lie on his favourite sofa and click his remote between the Maury Show and Jerry Springer. But his Karma is off, given that he stole the sofa. He falls asleep, then wakes up all of a sudden facing something a little unexpected. The second story is The Desiccator, about a couple who come home from vacation and notice that their neighbour has left a D27 Desiccator at the end of the drive for garbage pickup. The D27 is the Cadillac of dehumidifiers. It’s brand new and in perfect working order. So why would their neighbour want to throw it out? File Download (15:28 min / 7 MB)

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It was the best of busts; it was the worst of busts, the day I took down Tony Sarducci. There was once a time when we had such hopes for the man. It was nearly ten years ago now that he made the announcement. “I'm goin' clean,” he said. Even the papers picked it up. Front page news: “Sarducci runs a new game.” He gave us the feeling that anything was possible. Give Peace a Chance :: File Download (14:51 min / 7 MB)

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Think dufferent! That’s the motto of Yeskia, the Swedish cell phone manufacturing giant. (It could’ve been “Think different!” but then they’d be just like everybody else.) To break into the American market with their latest product line, they decide to incorporate all their electronic devices (digicam, camcorder, mp3 player, browser, etc.) not into a conventional cell phone, but into something more widespread – the handgun. The result is the Yeskia 9mm. You can shoot video, shoot people, chat with friends, surf your favourite web sites and listen to music all at the same time.File Download (22:18 min / 11 MB)

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Why is the grass always greener … ? Why do we always feel compelled to keep up with the Joneses? And who the hell are the Joneses that we’d feel such a compulsion in the first place? Of course, when you dig a little deeper, you find that things aren’t always what they seem. Sometimes, it’s better if you don’t get what you want – especially when what you want comes from envy.File Download (12:54 min / 6 MB)

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Willy Wonka loves the Oompa-Loompas and they love him back. You see, they're funny looking: they're short and have orange skin, with rotten teeth and bad breath, and they sing the damnedest song. The first time he ever saw them, Willy's heart brimmed with compassion. It was a sordid business, off-loading kegs from the local brewery and finding themselves (there in the alley behind the Detroit Eatery) the unwilling participants in an impromptu dwarf-throwing contest.File Download (2:29 min / 1 MB)

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Doctor Horvath motioned for Jack to take a seat by the round, low coffee table while he settled himself in a swiveling chair in front of the bare desk, and then he turned to face Jack while resting his right elbow on the desk. He tore a marked page from his pad (with the logo of a pharmaceutical company in the lower right corner) and dated a fresh page. Jack’s file lay close at hand.File Download (12:09 min / 6 MB)

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While cleaning a funerary vase from Queen Nefertiti’s tomb, a dweeb of an Egyptologist named Ikky gets some dirt on his collar which ends up on his paleontologist girlfriend’s lips. Interesting things happen between the two of them, but when Ikky suggests that it might have something to do with the dirt, his girlfriend laughs it off. Rubbish! And to prove how ridiculous Ikky’s theory is, she puts some dirt on his lips that comes from an Allosaurus she’s preparing for exhibit. The moral? Sometimes you need to listen to dweeb Egyptologists.File Download (18:53 min / 8 MB)

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John Henry is a legend that pits humanity against the dehumanizing forces of technology – in this case the dehumanizing forces of a fancy schmancy lawn mower. Rick and John square off in a suburban lawn-mowing competition to see whether muscle and a good push mower can even come close to the efficiency of a top-of-the-line gas-powered mower. John Henry :: File Download (9:41 min / 4 MB)

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Ever get one of those scam letters or emails from Nigeria? Who hasn’t? They’re the ones that ask for money to help administer the estate of some dead general who has millions locked up in a Swiss bank account. But what if … ? Here’s a story about someone who answers one of those scam letters – with unexpected results. Letter from Nigeria :: File Download (5:37 min / 3 MB)

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Ever run into someone who has difficulty distinguishing fact from fiction? Like the guy who believes everything an advertiser says about a product. “It’s the real thing. For a fresh clean scent. There’s no life like it.” Here’s a story about an encounter with such a person. A Model Abuser :: File Download (6:09 min / 3 MB)

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Can political correctness go too far? Or are some people just such assholes that extraordinary measures are justified? Read a tale where special measures are used to deal with just such an asshole. Metro Police, PCU :: File Download (7:38 min / 4 MB)

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Here’s the story behind unexplained crop circles – as told by a redneck from a farm in the American midwest. Alien Rednecks :: File Download (19:20 min / 9 MB)

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